


A Splendor of Desperation

by Midnight Musume (Peas)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrinette, Adrino, Aged-Up Character(s), Bisexual Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Bondage, F/M, Fighting, Identity Reveal, M/M, POV Adrien Agreste, Paris (City), Plagg Being Plagg, Pre-Season/Series 03, Smut, Spanking, Sub Adrien Agreste, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-11-01 14:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 114,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peas/pseuds/Midnight%20Musume
Summary: After the defeat of Hawk Moth and the subsequent retirement of Ladybug, Adrien becomes obsessed with finding out who was under that mask while falling in love with the people closest to him. Adrien slowly learns who he is and what he wants, and where Chat Noir's place is in a world without Ladybug in it.





	1. Day 1- Hawk Moth

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This chapter contains suicidal ideation

 

 

 

Hawk Moth and Mayura have Ladybug. They are using her as bait. For me. We were so careful with our identities, but apparently even being teammates was a huge liability. We still put each other into danger. I glance over at Chloe-Queen Bee and Carapace. All of us have been in a crazy amount of risk. I hope Ladybug is okay. Rena Rouge drops down out of nowhere and I feel the instant relief. At least they hadn't caught her too.

"Ladybug's locked up in a crypt. They have her Miraculous, she won't be able to help fight unless we get it back to her," Rena reports quickly, anxiety filling her voice. Carapace reaches out to her, resting his hand on her arm. They are cute, but I can't think about that right now- Ladybug is in a _crypt_. 

"We are going to save her," Carapace assures. At least one of us is able to handle this maturely. I feel another wave of guilt slide through me. I should have prepared better. I had never, not once, strategized at all. I regret it. How useless I am. I can't even contribute to the plan, it was all Rena and Carapace. My eyes wander back over to Chloe. Her expression is totally unreadable. 

"Peacock's guarding Ladybug. Hawk Moth is waiting in his trap. So let's go. Ladybug can help us, we just need to stall long enough to help her," Carapace directs. We follow Rena to the memorial park. I split off with her towards Mayura and Ladybug. Chloe and Carapace were going to do their best to distract Hawk Moth long enough for us to rescue LB. We can only hope that the Miraculous isn't with Hawk Moth. After we save my lady, we run. No taking down Hawk Moth. Even though we've only even ever seen the dude once before.

 

I crouch next to Rena. Mayura is sitting atop the crypt where Ladybug is. It's just like... a block of stone. Does Ladybug even have enough air in there to still be okay? How long has it been? Mayura's been waiting for us, and of course she is. This is a double-level trap. They are good planners. I am not. I really need to start thinking like the bad guy. It might prepare me better. I pounce at her, knocking the woman back off the crypt briefly. The immediate retaliation collides with my hip and stars burst into my vision. Right. Of course this was going to suck. It was the Peacock Miraculous. Did I hear Ladybug just now? I lean on the staff and use it to sling myself around back at Mayura, my feet colliding with her torso. Rena is next to me, we have the Peacock _pin_ ned down.

"Get Ladybug," Rena instructs over whatever Mayura is saying. Rena rips the brooch from the woman's chest as I stand up. Ladybug. I slot my baton against the crypt, wedging the lid open. I drop my baton and push against the concrete with everything I have. I am so stupid. The girl looks so frail without her suit, her head bagged and her wrists and feet bound. My chest hurts.

"Lady," my voice sounds weird to me as I draw her into a hug.

"Chat! Chat, thank you!" kindness drops off of her words. I hug her tighter. I can't believe I let them take her. I suck.

"Minou, my Miraculous," she says. I can't believe I am this stupid. Anything could have happened to her. She could be dead. My brain slowly registers that everyone is trying to talk to me. I push myself away from Ladybug and force my eyes to Rena Rouge. She is still on top of Mayura, but is holding a fist out at me expectantly. Right. The Miraculous. I clumsily rush over and Rena presses the earrings into my palm. Getting the Miraculous back to Ladybug is the only goal here. The number one priority. Stupid cat.

 

I don't remove the bag from Ladybug's head. I am not going to look. We are already in too much danger just existing as Ladybug and Chat Noir. I lift the corner of the bag and run my fingers against her ear, fastening one. Her skin is soft and there is a well where her jaw meets her earlobe at her neck. I want to fill it with me. I pull the bag up slightly on the other side to attach the other earring. My breath causes some of her hair on her neck to sway. I could kiss her neck. I press my lips against her jaw and quickly move back, withdrawing my hands from her head. Why did I do that? Why can't I have any self-control?

"Tikki, spots on!" she declares. It sounds so strong. How is she strong right now? I am not that strong. The transformation breaks her free of the restraints and she pulls the bag off of her head herself, throwing it down angrily. Or maybe triumphantly? She gives me a smile that makes my chest feel like it's going to cave in on itself and-

"Are you alright?" Rena asks her. Rena is still straddling the woman who was Mayura on the ground. She must have knocked her out- wait why did I not ask Ladybug if she was okay? Shouldn't I have asked her? I was worried about it too! How could I not even think beyond myself to make sure she was okay?

"Much better now!" she says brightly. I feel like that calms a part of me, but it is still my fault this happened at all. It could have been worse. Ladybug helps Rena tie the woman up with the restraints that had been used on her. Mayura is familiar to me. Nathalie? What is Nathalie doing here? She's Mayura? How could she even have time to be Peacock? Wait. Nathalie is evil? All this time she was actually evil? I've known her almost my whole life!

 

"Are you okay, kitty cat?" LB is looking at me. I can't decide how to answer so I just nod my head. My Lady can even think to ask me that when I can't for her, and nothing even happened to me!

"Let's go get Hawk Moth once and for all!" Ladybug stands, balling her hands into tight fists. We've been fighting him for like a million years. I get it. But the plan is to run.

"No. We are leaving. Chat Noir, let them know to stop fighting," Rena Rouge says. Why am I not going anywhere? I always follow instructions. I do what I'm told. This was the plan!

"This is our chance to get him! We have to try," Ladybug insists. She's right. So maybe I only listen to Ladybug. Maybe Hawk Moth has gotten Nathalie to work for him the same way. Or maybe he's just forcing her. Hawk Moth is the worst.

"I agree. All of us are here," I nod, taking off in the direction that Carapace and Chloe had gone without giving Rena any time to argue. Let's not waste time discussing it. The rest of our group is battling Hawk Moth on their own at this very moment. I have to do better at protecting. I'm going to do better to protect them all.

 

The determination immediately washes out of me. Mom. That's Mom. Mom is _right here_. Ladybug and Rena bound past me into the fray. Mom! Mom. Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom. Shut up, Adrien! You are Chat Noir right now. Do not have a breakdown in the middle of a battle with your arch nemesis. We are fighting Hawk Moth. Focus! My stomach hurts. Hawk Moth. What the hell is he doing with my mother? How dare he. She's been his prisoner all this time? Mom. Hawk Moth has had Mom. I want to shove my baton down his throat. Hawk Moth isn't just the baddie anymore. He's destroyed my whole life. He stole my mom out of my world and turned my dad into someone who can't even look at me. I was a prisoner in my own home for years. I didn't know another person for so long. And it's because of Hawk Moth. I feel like I am flying as I duck through the others, spinning my baton and bringing the metal rod straight down onto his skull. When I see the blood I have never felt so satisfied. I reach my hand up to summon a Cataclysm now that Hawk Moth is stunned, but I don't. There is nothing to destroy except for the man himself. Chloe and Rena take hold of him. Ladybug is looking at me. She can tell. She knows that I was going to kill him. What will she think of me now? I swallow. What about Mom? What does Mom think of me? I look over to the case where she is being held. Hawk Moth must have put her to sleep.

 

"Give us back your Miraculous!" Ladybug demands. I turn away from Mom. Ladybug's Miracle Cure will help Mom. For now- Hawk Moth. I take my place next to Ladybug's side, falling into the fighting stance that had been drilled into me through years of fencing and taking on akumas.

"No! You can't!" Hawk Moth snarls at my partner, blood from his head dripping down the front of his mask and landing on his chest. I see Chloe visibly recoil at it.

"You've terrorized our beautiful city long enough. It stops now," Ladybug's words are truly fit for a hero like her. Carapace rips the Miraculous from Hawk Moth's chest. The others gasp but I don't recognize the sound that my throat makes.

Dad? My dad? Is this a trick? My fucking father who is too busy to even speak to me is Hawk Moth? 

"Gabriel Agreste!" the name comes out of Chloe first. I flinch at it.

"Give it back!" he bellows. Something else in me jerks. What is this?

"What do we do with him?" Rena looks at me and Ladybug. There is no way that this is real.

"The police," Carapace offers.

"No-" I choke immediately. Everyone is looking at me now but I only really see Dad. Hawk Moth. No, Dad. He gazes at me with confusion, face bloody. I should Cataclysm him.

"He can't do anything without his Miraculous," Ladybug is agreeing with me. Or maybe she's stopping me.

"He's a criminal!" Chloe scoffs. I can't look at Dad anymore. I am Chat Noir. I am Chat Noir, but I can't do this. 

 

I leave without another word, escaping from the mausoleum and the memorial park and down the street.

"Claws in," I melt down onto the sidewalk. I feel so sick. I actually retch a little bit. I lay here on the ground, everything flashing through my head all at once. Mom. Dad. Dad is Hawk Moth but Hawk Moth was keeping Mom hostage all of these years? Was Mom a prisoner just like I was? Nathalie too? Dad wanted to control us. He never expected anything other than absolute submission to him. Mom must have tried to stand up to his authority. Controlling us isn't even enough for Dad. He had to control all of Paris, too. Plagg settles on my chest but doesn't speak to me.

"It makes sense," I whisper to him. It hurts. Maybe I should have known. Of course Dad was capable of manipulating the emotions of the vulnerable. He had plenty of experience doing it to me. Wait. What were the others going to do with him? I sat up. I should go back. I should go back as myself so I can see Mom and Dad and not have to pretend.

 

Ladybug isn't there. Neither is Rena Rouge, Carapace, or Bee. Just my father. They had left him here in this dark mausoleum. Out of kindness, or because I had said something. Maybe this is an injustice.

"Dad," I choke out. It's much quieter than I meant for it to be. He hears me, though.

"Adrien?" it almost feels weird hearing my name. I look at the case where Mom is. She hasn't changed. Did Ladybug not use her Cure?

"Mom?" I say the question, my heart racing.

"She has been gone for a long time," I hear Dad say. What? She looks fine! I feel the tears burn against my cheeks. She has been dead after all. The grief is familiar. It has been with me for a very long time. Maybe I've always known.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I accuse quickly. It's loud this time. It echos.

"I could have brought her back," his voice breaks. I feel like I am drowning. Dad is crying? I've never seen him cry.

"What do you mean, bring her back?" I hiss, forgetting for moment that I am not Chat right now. He is still bleeding. I'm the one that did that to him. I can't believe I hit Dad. How dare I.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses have the power to do it, but I won't be able to get them now."

"What?" Wait. I've been fighting against Dad this whole time when he was just trying to help Mom? He was going to use his wish to bring her back? Doesn't he know the price? He is still crying. The tears falling silently. His lips are pressed into a tight line. I approach. I kind of want to hug him. He is all that I have. His suffering is at least the same as mine is. But he hurt people. He's hurt _me_.  He has been trying to kill me and my friends for years. He has actually killed me a dozen or so times, actually. He has single-handedly- well, not single-handedly... Nathalie. Was she still tied up?

"I'm sorry, Adrien," Dad says. What? Sorry? He looks like he might hug me, so I move away. I don't want to hug him now.

"You're Hawk Moth," I say, "Don't touch me."

"Adrien..." he looks hurt. How dare he look hurt!

"What happened to Mom?" I ask.

"I am sorry for lying to you," Dad wipes his face with a handkerchief, smearing the blood and tears and sweat together. He needs a doctor. 

 

I sit down stiffly at the edge of my bed. I don't know what to think anymore or what to do. My whole life feels like it's fake. It is fake. I am stupid and worthless. I pretend to be so smart at school but it doesn't help me at all where it really counts. I should be able to plan ahead to protect my friends from evil. I should be able to notice that my father is that evil.

"Adrien," Plagg finally speaks up, "There was no way for us to have known. Don't blame yourself."

"Leave me alone tonight," I whisper at him. I just want to cry. Plagg probably leaves because there is no answer from him. Mom hadn't left us on purpose, but that didn't redeem _me_  at all. I feel guilty that part of me had even thought of her like that. Like a person that would leave her family because she didn't want them anymore or they weren't good enough for her. I am so, so stupid. But Dad still doesn't want me, anyway. What will Dad do to me now? Maybe they can- no. It will never be normal. We will never have a normal family. Hawk Moth is an evil man, and I will never be able to forget it until the day I die. I should probably just die. I haven't done something like that in years. Since before getting to be Chat. I mindlessly scale my rock wall up to the window ledge and press myself against one of the panes. I jumped out of these windows as Chat all the time. I will just fall this time. I won't have to think about my of this anymore or have to figure out what to do or have to bother living this fake life. It's not very far down, I'd probably survive anyway.

 

"Adrien!" Ladybug is yelling in my face. If I had any shock left in me to give, I would have given it to her. The others are with her too. Why? How?

"Don't do this. It's not your fault," Ladybug says, her eyes are watery.

"Ladybug," I feel it roll out of me as a desperate sob. How embarrassing, but I love her so much. Now she's going to hate Adrien for trying to commit suicide. Why is she even here?

"Chat Noir told you about Hawk Moth?" Chloe wraps her hand around one of mine, dragging me down to the floor. Yeah. Sure. Chat told me. Chat motherfucking Noir would definitely go traumatize a civilian like that. Ladybug must hate Chat now, too. Nobody can ever love me no matter who I am. Chloe lets her bee transformation go and we were just Adrien and Chloe. The familiarity of it makes me feel more relaxed than I would have ever expected. Maybe I can't really feel a lot of anything right now.

"Hey bro, we are worried about you," Carapace is saying, "Do you have someone that you can stay with for a while?"

"You can stay at the hotel," Chloe offers immediately. I start to cry. Why am I crying now? Chloe wraps me up in her arms. Great. The only friend to Adrien here is Chloe, of all people. I wish that I was Chat so that Ladybug could hold me with as much familiarity.

"Mom... Mom is lost," I cry into her. I've done this before. Exactly this. Nobody says anything as I cry. Please stop crying, Adrien. Not like this. Not in front of all the other heroes. 

 

"Adrien, we know this is hard. We are worried for you. Does your father ever hurt you?" Ladybug asks. Oh. That's why they are here. They are protecting me from Hawk Moth. They also must know that I took dad to the hospital. They've probably been watching me since the moment I walked into the memorial park as Adrien.

"Lady..." I don't know how to answer her question. He's never done things that really hurt me physically. But I know that I can't completely deny it. I hurt right now. Because of him. I deserve that. I am not worth it. I am not worth the whole squad coming into my room in the middle of the night except for that my dad is Hawk Moth.

"We decided we should ask for you input about Papillon's punishment. If you want him taken to the police, we can and he will be out of your life forever. If you want us to lock him away and keep his identity a secret, we can do that too. If you want to let him off, that's fine. We can take you away if you want to go away." Carapace is so nice. He is really trying to help. They are wasting their time. I am the one that considered killing my own father. Twice. Or three times now, maybe? Is it more than that?

"Leave him alone," my head hurts from crying. Why am I sticking up for him? He's the bad guy. I'm the hero. I should have defeated him.

"Do you want to stay at the hotel?" Chloe asks me again.

"No. Thank you, Chloe," I murmur. I also don't want to be bothered by Chloe. If I go to her hotel she will have complete control over me. I don't want to be distracted from my pain.

"We can't leave you alone if you want to hurt yourself," Ladybug spoke up. My heart does a somersault but in a bad way. If Ladybug had any idea how much I tried to hurt myself. The things I had experimented with. The disappointment I occasionally felt following her Miracle Cure.

 

""Do you have a friend you can call if you don't want us here?" Carapace offered. He sounds strange.

"If Chloe staying over is weird, you must have a guy friend we can call," Rena offers helpfully. Carapace looks at her with a gratefulness I don't understand.

"That doesn't make it less weird for me," I mumble. Who cares if Chloe and some strangers know that Adrien is bi? Chloe probably already even knew. Nino definitely knows, too. "Oh. Nino." I blink. Were they trying to suggest I call Nino? Right now? I don't think I could look him in the eyes.

"We can call him to come or we can take you to him," Rena Rouge really doesn't get it. Did she hear me or not? Chloe doesn't look too disappointed to get to dump me off on somebody else. She probably had better things to be doing than sitting here with me. Nino, too.

"No," my eyes hurt from crying, they really do, "Not right now. Not today." If I could look at Nino, I'd be too comfortable. I need to be able to think first. All I want is for Ladybug to stay. I want her to hold me and pet my face.

"I'm tired," I squeak, realizing that I was thinking all of that while staring at her.

"Go to bed," Ladybug says gently, "We will all stay here for you."

 

I don't fall asleep. I just listen to the four of them whispering about me. My dad is Hawk Moth. They wonder about Chat Noir. They discuss whether or not they should keep an eye on Gabriel Agreste. Carapace tells Chloe that he knows me in real life. Chloe tells him that everyone knows me. I'm famous, but nobody knows me better than her. Ladybug wants to go find Chat Noir. Why did he run off like that? Rena asks if they should all reveal their identities now that Hawk Moth is defeated and Ladybug tells her no. Ladybug says that she needs to discuss all of this with the guardian and they will all meet up tomorrow on l'Arc de Triomphe at 9. She probably picks it because that's close to Chloe's hotel. Everyone can keep their Miraculous with them at least until then. The butterflies aren't a threat anymore. Someone says that they still can't believe it about Hawk Moth. They whisper until they start to fall asleep one by one. It's weird being left out like this. Like I'm not one of them. But I am one of them. 

 


	2. Day 2- A Pinch

 

Nino greets me with the hardest hug he has ever given me in his whole life. He looks like he realizes it.

"I heard you're not doing okay. Did something happen with your dad?" Nino asks. I, for once, am glad he's always seemed to understand about Dad.

"He was Hawk Moth and he was trying to bring Mom back to life," I am not going to hide this from Nino.

"Dude. Holy shit," he brings me into another hug. I can stay here forever. Nino is the only one in the world that I have right now. He is my one true friend. Maybe I am mistaking friendship for love, but I had decided or figured out that I was in love with him. It's only been a year or two, but I don't plan on ever saying anything. He and Alya are awesome together, and I know that they are very happy like that. Nino's friendship means a lot to me. If I just keep my disgraceful thoughts to myself nobody is worse for wear.

"I am tired of crying," I confess to him.

"I'm here for you. Whatever you need," Nino whispers. He's really all I have. Just Nino. Only Nino. I'd give all of my life for him. And Ladybug. Oh, Ladybug. My Ladybug.

"I am so stupid, Nino. I should have known."

"This is not at all your fault, dude. It's your father's fault and only his."

"I can't even be totally mad at him. He just wanted to bring Mom back," more confessions. At this rate I should just tell him I'm Chat, too. Nino rubs my back sympathetically. I don't say anything.

 

Nino takes me with him to meet up with Alya and Marinette for lunch. They look just as tired as I feel, but Marinette blushes anyway. I smile at her and compliment her jewelry. If I can bring some sort of happiness to others then my life has some meaning. Nino and Alya share a quick kiss. At least Marinette likes me and I can make her a little happy. We order our food and all sit in an uncomfortable silence. I swallow, feeling responsible for it.

"You can't tell anyone, but the heroes defeated Hawk Moth yesterday. I know because it turns out that Hawk Moth was my dad," I want it out in the open because I feel very sure that Nino has already told them. Why do I want to talk about it so much?

"What? Are you kidding?" Alya's acting is pretty good, actually. Marinette just looks sad. 

"Are you okay, Adrien?" she asks. Shit, it's genuine.

"I also found out that my mom has been dead, not missing."

"He lied to you about your mom?" more shock from Alya.

"Adrien," Marinette reached over to put her hand on mine. My friends do care about me. I don't deserve their love.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I beg. I am begging them. Save me.

"We will figure it out. We are here," Nino reassures me gently. If I had been better maybe none of this would have ever happened. I shouldn't be relying on my kind friends like this. Taking advantage of them.

 

I'm an hour early to the hero meeting that Ladybug had planned in my bedroom the night before. Ladybug is there already too. She knew that I would find her today.

"Chat!" her face brightens upon seeing me. My heart spins at it like the traffic below us.

"Sorry for bouncing like that yesterday, bugaboo. My time limit was up," I grin at her.

"That isn't true," she tells me with a nice voice. I love that she isn't being as accusatory as she should be. Heck, I just love her. But that's right, even if I had used Cataclysm I can hold my transformation for a long time after it now.

"Can I know who you are now that Hawk Moth's gone?" I ask even though I already know the answer. Maybe she will make an exception for me. Maybe I will be special enough.

"I don't think that we should. What if another bad guy shows up? What if it is someone close to us?" Ladybug replied. 

"Was Gabriel Agreste someone close to you?" if she knows my dad, she knows me. But everyone does kind of know me. I am famous.

"No, Chaton," she sighs, "I can't believe we really defeated Hawk Moth. You were amazing."

"What do we do now?" my honesty is starting to leak through Chat now too. Useless.

"We go back to being normal people." My heart stops. No. I can't lose Ladybug. I can't lose Chat Noir. I can't lose Plagg. I don't want to be normal.

"No," I sound just as panicked as I feel, "I love you, Ladybug. I have to see you."

"Chat..." she looks like she doesn't know what to do. Great. Good job, streetcat. You can't just yell that kind of stuff at the ladies. I don't want to take it back, though. Ladybug takes a deep breath, finally landing on her answer.

 

"When you are ready, return the Miraculous to Master Fu. If we are really supposed to be together, we will find each other... but there is someone I already love and he needs me right now."

"I need you," I feel like I am going to start crying again but I can't do that in front of her. The jealousy doesn't make me angry, it just makes me sad. Silence passes between us, the sound of cars and mopeds fades out. At least to me.

"Minou... yesterday, when you were fighting Hawk M-"

"I was going to Cataclysm him," I admit readily. I knew this would be her question for me.

"Why didn't you?" she tilted her head. Why didn't I? Why don't I just Cataclysm myself so I don't have to think about this at all. I look at my hand. Oh. Am I seriously considering that right now?

"Master Fu picked us to be the Miraculous holders because of our kindness. Letting Hawk Moth go like that is the kindest act I've ever seen. I am honored that you are my friend and my partner."

"It was good to know you too, Ladybug. I loved you," I force myself to smile for her. To leave her with a good memory of me, at least. I wish I could do more for her. I leave. If I had stood there any longer I would have ruined it.

 

"I'm keeping the Miraculous," I inform Plagg immediately.

"Okay," he nods his head. Why are you agreeing so quickly like that? Plagg is being careful with me.

"Do you want cheese?" I offer it to him, already heading for the kitchen.

"Yes!" he lets out in a desperate sort of way and nestles in the crook of my neck. He hums happily on our short walk. Nathalie is there in the kitchen, staring out into nothing.

"N-Nathalie," why did I say that? She blinks back into reality and stands properly. A sense of dread fills me up and I can't breathe. Nathalie was Mayura. She ruled my life and kidnapped my bug. The prospect of listening to her for one second makes me want to fight.

"Your father's condition is stable. He will be returning home tomorrow with your permission." My permission? Where else would he go? I remember again that Nathalie is Mayura and an anxiety sets back into me. Will I feel this way about Dad too? Knowing he is capable of committing horrors?

"Nathalie, was Dad forcing you to be the Peacock?" I croak out. I have to give her the benefit of a doubt, right? She could be just as much a victim as I am.

"I love your father. I will do anything for him," she says honestly. Well, at least I know how that feels. I'm sure if Ladybug asked me to turn evil, I would. Nathalie's never done anything else to me outside of enforcing Dad's will. I wonder if she maybe loves me like a son. She could, but it would be a stretch. My nervousness doesn't weaken. Every part of my body is screaming with danger.

"What would you like me to arrange for tomorrow?" Nathalie prompts. I tell her to let him come home. I know this is stupid. I deserve whatever happens to me for it. Maybe they will lock me up forever. I think that's even what I want.

 

I invite Nino over and he is at my house in record time. I tell him that I am scared and that my life is over and he swears to protect me. I laugh at that. Maybe I haven't laughed in a few days. I lean into Nino and I feel like I want all of him. That's selfish and even just thinking about it makes me a terrible person. Maybe the apple does not fall far from the tree. Ladybug was wrong about me. There isn't anything good about me. 

"Adrien?" Nino calls my name. Gosh I love him.

"I want to hurt," I whine. Very mature, Adrien. Just tell him you love him why don't you? Nino tenses under me. I am too aware of his body against mine.

"What do you mean?" he whispers. I don't know what I mean. I just want my body to feel the same way that my insides do. 

"I wish I was Chat Noir," I say shakily. I pull out of Nino's arms. I can't handle it anymore. The more of him that I want the guiltier I feel about it.

"Dude. I don't know what that means," he wants me to explain.

"He belongs to Ladybug. I have nobody to belong to. I'm alone, and I feel alone. I am so lonely, Nino. My heart is broken but it doesn't feel like enough. I deserve worse. Ladybug should tie me up before I do something terrible."

"Are you going to do something terrible?"

"All of my thoughts are bad. I feel like I am being punished for it, but it's not enough. I want to hurt. I want you to hurt me."

Jesus. Christ. Why can't I lie to him? Nino looks like he is trying to figure it out. Good luck. I don't know what I am talking about at all, either. I just want to kiss him, why don't I just say that out loud too?

 

"Stop me if this sounds crazy, but are you trying to ask me to hit you or something?" Nino asks. What? Why would I ask for something like that. Bt it sounds good. It sounds really good. If it's Nino. Nino! Punishing me. Yeah, that's maybe what I want. Yes.

"Is this weird? Do you hate me?" my mouth is working by itself.

"No, no!" he says it like he is promising me. I hold my breath. If I lose Nino too, I don't know what I would do. I can't imagine being in any more pain inside of my head than I already am.

"Okay, Adrien. We'll do something like that, but we really need to talk first. You just found out some stuff about your dad and now you say something like that? Do... we need to get you help? Not help from me, like real help?" Nino is wonderful. A saint.

"I think I just need time. Maybe."

"Swear to me that you will say something if you think that you want kill yourself," Nino said. How would he know that? Didn't he say yesterday that he heard that I wasn't doing okay? How would he know that?

"D-did Chloe tell you?" I breathe. Nino confirms it quietly. Something in me deflates. Is Nino only being this nice to me because he knows that I was going to throw myself out of the window? Alya would know too, and Marinette. Would they care as much about me if they didn't know? If I hadn't gotten caught? I might have not even done it. I don't know what to say to him.

"Do you still..."

"Not right now. No. That was just... everything was too much," I huff. I've already decided on Cataclysm and I can do that at literally any time. Right now I think I just want Nino to hit me like he said he would instead. That's just as good.

"Tell me if everything is too much. Please. You don't have to wait for morning to call me. You don't have to wait until I'm out of class. I will be here for you, you're my best friend. I couldn't stand to lose you," Nino sounds like he might cry now. I hug him. I dig my fingers into his back. My whole world is just Nino. If Ladybug is gone forever now, all I have is Nino. I want so much to tell him about Ladybug but I can't. She wouldn't want me to.

 

"And..." Nino is shaking a little, I can feel it. "This can't be something romantic or sexual for you. And if Alya says no then we don't do it again."

"Nino, I-" my hearts catches in my throat. That's bad. I pull out of his arms and avoid making eye contact with him. I was right. He definitely, definitely knows that I was just thinking things about wanting to kiss him.

"I'm sorry. We weren't going to talk about this, but having to hit you is something that can cross a line. There have to be ground rules," Nino said. Yeah. We were definitely never going to talk about this. What am I supposed to say now?

"You're my only real friend." Except for Ladybug. "I just think I got confused because I'm not this close to anyone else."

"It's fine, bro. I get it." 

"You don't hate me?" I mumble. Because I have never imagined any of this happening. Even in my fantasies with Nino it never goes this way.

"Of course not," Nino stands up. I stand up too but I don't know why. We wordlessly square off and I habitually slide into a defensive position. That's not right. I bring my feet together but I start to stoop down into a pose that would arguably come off as catlike. I try and reposition again.

"Dude, are we like going to spar or did you just want me to hit you?" Nino asks for clarification, watching me. How can he tell?

"Sorry. Habit. Fencing," I cross my arms to maybe stop my Chat Noir instincts. I focus in on Nino's movements. Oh boy. He's not going to hurt me at all. The punch doesn't even register. I audibly groan.

"You have to actually hit me," is my complaint, apparently. Nino swears he'll do better. I don't know about this. This is turning out to be very different than what I had envisioned. Next time an Akumatized person shows up I'll just let them pummel me instead. Oh, right. No more Akumas. But Nino's fists have tightened, I can see him thinking about it now. He takes a swipe directly at my face. Did I just duck? I look up at him apologetically but his knee knocks into my chin.

 

"Oh shit dude! Sorry! Are you okay?" he is saying. I squint at him and make myself stand again. Did he do that on purpose or was it an accident? If it was on purpose, that was a great move. It almost makes me want to spar with him. I grip on to my shirt to stop my hands from doing anything. I nod at Nino to take another shot. Left. I moved _again_! Stop it, Adrien! Nino brings the inertia of my block back around to land his fist just under my collarbone. I'm so surprised that he was able to do that that I don't even see him get my side.

"When did you learn how to fight?" I ask him legitimately. He hasn't inflicted much pain here at all, but regardless of that I fight people all the time and I think that Nino knows how to fight.

"You keep dodging me," I watch the way his body relaxes out of it. He is not planning on hitting me any more. I ruined it. This is over already. It wasn't enough. Not enough at all.

"What do you want?" Nino rubs his hands, "What do you imagine happening to you?"

I imagine Ladybug pinning me down and punching me repeatedly in the face. Why would she do that? She would never do that. Not even to bad guys. Why did I think of that? Is that what I want to happen to me?

"I don't want to be hit, I want to be beaten. Your punches don't even hurt, dude. Your technique is really good but you aren't trying to hurt me," I say instead. It's pretty close to what I was just imagining, right? I just want to stop thinking about Ladybug. Why do I keep reminding myself about her?

"You can't want me to hurt you too much if you keep blocking me," Nino crosses his arms, "What if you were tied up?"

"We can try that," I nod, my eyes scanning my room. If only we had Ladybug's yoyo or something. 

"Belt," Nino is moving already. I watch him fish one from my closet.

 

"Is this too weird?" I mumble as he wraps the strip of leather several times around my wrists. He's behind me. His fingers are on me. Don't think about that. Think about how my tail is just a leather belt, too. Well, that doesn't help. Calm down. Nino steps back in front of me.

"Yeah, it's weird. Can you keep your balance?" he asks, tightening his hands into fists. I nod at him and close my eyes. Maybe if I can't see him, I won't know to dodge. He's faster this time but the punches still feel light. He isn't trying to hurt me.

"Harder!" I spit at him without considering my word choice first. Nino is laughing at me now. I am not satisfied at all. This is like I've been teased and now I'm craving pain even more than before.

"Dude, chill out. Just sit down, I'll think of something," Nino instructs. I sit. I am really well-trained, aren't I? Ouch. A pang of... loneliness? Ladybug won't tell me to do anything again. Am I just lonely without her? How can I be lonely right now? Nino searches the room with his eyes for a long time. He is here with me. I have no right to be thinking about my lady right now. Nino has found one of my old practice sabers. Really? You're going to do that? There is no way he is capable of this. Nino won't be able to bring himself to smack me with a sword. He can spar with me and he can tie me up but there isn't anything he can do to satisfy the longing in my chest. I watch Nino raise the small sword a little and then stop. I knew it. He can't do this. He can't hit me. I sigh.

"I'm sorry, man," he sounds disappointed too. I don't want to give up and I don't want him to give up either. This is our one chance and I know it.

"You don't have to hit me. I just want to be in pain," my breathing is shaky. He drops the saber and hugs me. There isn't anything I can do, my hands bound behind me like this.

"We'll figure this out," he promises. Oh my god. I love him so much.

 

"Tell me what you're thinking," he says. He has now also strapped my ankles together for lack of other ideas.

"I don't want Ladybug to rescue me," I grin. I shouldn't joke right now. Nino is trying really hard to help me. His gaze doesn't waver. What does he want me to say? Does he want me to ask him to do something to me? He does? Alright. I am supposed to ask. What do I want? I just still want to hurt. If I was by myself maybe I'd cut. I haven't done that since I was 12. Stupid. Maybe there are other ways to feel pain than being punched or cutting. I'd like him to try again to hit me with the saber, I would.

"What if you pinched me? Or scratched?" I venture tentatively. Nino's posture visibly shifts with relief. He didn't really want to be doing this at all. Maybe he had been afraid I'd ask him to do something really drastic. I don't want to scare him off. I don't want him to leave me alone. I'm glad I didn't ask him to choke me. Nino reaches his hand out to run a nail along the skin on my inner elbow. I note that his fingernails really aren't very long at all. I wonder if Ladybug has long fingernails. His touch is sending out a bloom of static inside of me. This is probably going to be bad. My throat rumbles quietly. Nino presses in, bringing his thumb down on my skin too. I feel the pressure of his nails squeezing together under my skin but it doesn't really hurt very much. I close my eyes as his fingers move up my arm. He is touching me. I can't think about that. Focus on the pain. The small fires that erupt where he squeezes and twists. He reaches my sleeve, hesitates, and continues beneath it, getting the sensitive skin on my inner arm and moving closer to my armpit. There's a whimper. It's me.

 

"Is this okay?" Nino's voice is really quiet. Does he feel anything close to what I feel?

"Yes. Yes, it's okay," I moan back at him, nodding my head furiously. He continues to pinch my arm and I squirm lightly. He's touching my neck. My neck! I open my eyes to look at him but he isn't meeting my gaze. His fingers at my neck make me dizzy. Both of his hands are at my neck. In my hair. On my ears. My heart races and I catch a moan from escaping. A fingernail traces down the rim of my ear and across my jaw. I am on fire. I can feel his breath on my neck. My heart is pounding so much it hurts. My body cannot handle any more of this. My dick is hard and I feel dizzy. I am going to want so much more if he keeps going. I already want everything.

"Nino- Nino, stop," I can't help it. I can't. I feel him move away from me. I don't open my eyes.

"Oh. Uh. Sorry, dude," he mutters with embarrassment. I am the one who is embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. I got really turned on," I breathe shakily, "You can untie me."

"Adrien..." he ventures. Stop being perfect, Nino. Please. What if he decided he didn't care about Alya and he kissed me now? What if he sucked my dick and pinched my nipples? Wow, Adrien. Really? I need to stop imagining this stuff. I feel like I can still feel his hands, his touch. It's already so much. It should be more than enough. I feel like a hole opens up inside of me. We only have to stop because we do not belong to each other. I don't have anyone. I am just lucky I have someone who can play pretend this far with me. I love him so much. He didn't have to do this with me, but he did. I will do anything for this man.

 

"You really think about me like that?" he finally says something as he removes the belt from my wrists. I could have gotten myself out but I am happy to let him do it. 

"Yeah," I admit. I am just not a liar. It's a miracle I just haven't broadcasted to the whole world about Chat Noir, it really is. Maybe I just trust Nino. I would have let him go so far as to kill me today, right? I definitely trust him.

"Is there anyone else you feel like that about?" Nino rubs his thumb against my wrist. That's not helping my erection go away, Nino.

"Ladybug." She is the only other person I can trust like that. She is the only other person I could be honest- to a point- with. I am never going to see her again.

"Are you okay?" Nino asks quickly. What is he asking that for? "You look like you're going to cry." He can read my mind now?

"Lady... isn't coming back anymore," my lip quivers. I feel so distant. So lonely. It feels like she's died. Dead like Mom. Nino is concerned, I can see it. I lean into his shoulder. I don't cry. I can't cry.

"Do you think you'll keep feeling self-destructive?" he mumbles at me quietly.

"I feel better and worse at the same time," I almost laugh. I pull away from him and stand up, starting on a slow lap around my room. I need to calm down. I really need to calm down. There needs to be a little bit of distance between the two of us now.

"What should we do now?" Nino asks. I don't know. I really don't know what to do about anything. "I thought if there was someone else, maybe they would be able to do what you need. I'm sorry I can't hurt you. I can probably keep doing the pinching, if you need that."

"Ladybug wouldn't be able to hit me, either," I say. But she can hurt me. She has hurt me this much. I don't know what I am going to do without her. I look at Nino, who is still sitting on the corner of my bed. 

"I am really lonely, Nino. That's what hurts."

 


	3. Day 3- Spider-Man

 

Dad. He looks fine. He could at least have had the decency to look like he was injured. 

"Adrien," he says like he is frightened of me. I don't like that. Maybe I do like it. This is weird. 

"Did you know what the price for your wish would have been?" I ask Dad. I have to know if he knew what he was doing.

"Did Nathalie inform you of this?" he questions. I am silent. I had planned to blame it on the cat but Nathalie makes sense too. 

"I was blinded by my love for your mother. I would have done anything," Dad says to me, "I'm sorry. I know that I have been unfair to you due to this as well."

"I would prefer not to be your son," I say. A shadow crosses Dad's eyes. He's in pain. He's in pain the same way I am in pain. At least I'm not going to become something like he is. But I understand what he means. He must love Mom so much. I should me angrier at him. I should hate him more. I should just hate him, period. But I can't. He is still my dad and I don't think I've ever wanted anything but for him to like me. He's worked hard to raise me on his own. Even though I look like Mom and it must have been hard on him. He's tried so hard to mold me into a successful adult. To protect me. He's controlling but not neglectful. Maybe now I feel a little guilty for having said what I just did.

"I didn't mean that," I mumble, looking away. Dad sighs.

"I am sorry to drag you into this, Adrien," he apologizes again. If only he knew. If he had any idea just how involved I was.

"It's all over now. Right?" I ask. He nods.

 

A final interview with LB goes up on the Ladyblog that afternoon. Ladybug reveals to Alya that we have defeated Hawk Moth and will be hanging up the hat unless some other mystical terror we can help with starts happening. My lady lets everyone know that Hawk Moth was just a sad, misguided man who no longer has any power to hurt others. I don't know about that, but she doesn't reveal who it is. I read the whole thing twice. Alya doesn't reveal it either, even though I had told her to her face. This must have been what LB did before returning her Miraculous to Master Fu. She might even still be there, Alya was pretty fast after all. I spin my office chair around and hit the remote for the television. The news is already reporting on it. I'm going to watch everything. 

"Do you think Paris will throw a party with lots of cheese?" Plagg sounds cheerful. I have already given him 60 Euro worth of Camembert today, he should be happy.

"If they do, I will get us VIP tickets," I tell him. Man. I really do feel better somehow? Just that small amount of attention from Nino was enough for a lifetime. I hope.

"I'm proud of you, Adrien," Plagg is hovering around the television screen. I can tell that he has more he wants to say, but he isn't going to say any of it. He wants to ask me about what happened with Nino, I'm sure.

"Are you okay staying with me even though we are the only ones?" I ask him.

"You're the one that has cheese," Plagg nods his head happily. It's probably that he knows I don't want to be alone. I turn back to the Ladyblog on my computer and scroll through the comments. The people of this city are going to miss the beetle as much as I am. What am I going to do without her? I should at least try to figure out who she is. She did say that if we were fated, we would be brought back together somehow. Well. We are fated, so. I should start looking. And I know where to start.

 

When I find Alya, she and Nino are talking about me. I didn't want to hear it so I go and lounge on the awning above the flower shop across the street from their apartment building, letting the afternoon sun kiss the parts of my face that aren't under a mask. The leather gets hot enough, but it's comfortable for once. It's about half an hour later when I see Marinette ringing them at the callbox. She has to wait for an answer. She fiddles with her box of treats until she is buzzed in. I know Marinette's boxes. I am definitely crashing the party if she is there with sweets. I give my friends some time to meet each other and settle in. I check my phone to see if they've invited me or not, and they haven't. I tuck it back into the leather fold at my ankle. I fashioned the holster a few years ago after Dad and Nathalie got mad when Adrien disappeared for a few days when Chat Noir was busy. I bounce my way over to the other building and shuffle over to the window. This looks a little too serious for Marinette's tarts. I hope I haven't hurt Nino's relationship with Alya by making him do that weird stuff with me, because this is what that looks like. Marinette sees me at the window. She says something and then Nino let me inside.

 

"Chat Noir!" Alya is surprised. I should probably be apologizing to her right now instead of this.

"Hey Alya! There's something I was hoping you'd give me a paw with," I grin at her, leaning on my baton.

"Chat Noir, bro, she is taken," Nino says. I laugh.

"It's nothing like that. I just want to know if you can help me figure out who Ladybug was."

"I don't know who she is," Alya shakes her head.

"That's okay. I am just looking for clues. Are you willing to help?"

"I don't know. Protecting her identity was the most important thing to her after protecting the city," Alya sighs and crosses her arms. I look at Nino, and then at Marinette.

"I'll let you know who I am if you help me find her."

"Chat Noir, you can't reveal yourself either," Marinette shakes her head. This is a disappointment. They were going to be my only chance to find out more about my lady. My love.

"I will, right now, do anything." Please help me, friends. Please save me. 

"Why did you tell Adrien Agreste about his father?" Alya sounds mad. I am not prepared for that question.

"He deserves to know."

"He tried to kill himself, bro," Nino is frowning at me. I don't like this at all.

"How was I supposed to know he would do that? He still deserved to know. He is in a lot of danger, isn't he? His dad is Hawk Moth," all this lying is really painful. Especially lying to Nino.

 

"Adrien is our friend. He's not doing good," Nino says to me. Alright. This is probably some stuff I should not listen to. Marinette reveals that her box was full of crisp pastries. I see Alya take one.

"Why are you meeting up here without him, then? Look, I just need to find my ladybird. I am going to go crazy if she really disappears. I'm not going to get to see her in the suit again, so I have to find her as she is," I need to steer this conversation back around to Ladybug. I am not going to talk to them about myself when I am dressed up like Chat Noir. That is a huge violation of my ethical protocol.

"Do you know Adrien?" Marinette asks me anyway. Come on, Marinette! I know that you are in love with me, but Chat Noir is trying to talk to you about something else.

"Only as well as I know you," I sigh. They are really stuck on me.

"What do you think we should do, Chat? Do you know how we can help him?" Marinette looks hopeful for some reason. You can help Adrien by helping me find Ladybug. I know I have to act like a hero right now. I can't just selfishly keep asking them for my own benefit.

"I don't really have a lot of experience in that area," I apologize, "Have you asked him what he needs?"

There is silence. Alright. I mean, I know what my answer was. I see Nino thinking. I look at Alya.

"Chat Noir... shouldn't you also... disappear like the other heroes?" Marinette asks. I look into her pastry box and pick out a small one.

"I'm going to hang around. I'll be like Spider-man. Only Paris instead of New York. And a cat," I joke at her. She looks mortified. Alya stifles a laugh.

"That's just like you, Chat Noir."

"I'll keep being me until I find my Ladybug again. I'll look for her my whole life."

 

"Why?" is the flat question from Nino. Why? What do you mean, why? And I can't answer this looking at Nino's face. I look at Marinette instead. She is the only neutral ground here. I take a bite of the pastry I nicked earlier.

"Because I am her cat. She's my owner."

"You should listen to your owner. I bet she told you not to do this," Marinette frowns at me. I swallow.

"I love her. My world isn't anything without her in it. She's been everything to me for almost seven years. I can't rest until I find her. I need to watch over her. I need to know she's okay. I'll always need to know she's okay." Marinette is blushing. I finish off the pastry.

"That was really delicious, princess. Think about it, Alya. I'll drop by again in a few days. I'll keep an eye on the Agrestes for you in the meantime," I wink. How awful this sounds. I drop backwards out of the apartment window with a little salute. I hear Nino laugh.

 

I'm going to double down on this. Adrien and Chat Noir are going to work on finding our lady. I go home and tell my dad to get me a doctor's note so I can drop all of my classes this semester for my mental health. I tell him I'm talking a hiatus from the company as well. He complies because he has no choice but to. It's weird. My life before this week is starting to feel more and more like a lie. Like I imagined it. An article goes up on the Ladyblog- Chat Noir is Looking for Ladybug. Thank you, Alya. At least Ladybug will know. I scroll through the comments, people have theories. I write them all down. I will look into every lead. I make a list of physical traits. Her height, build, eye color, hair color. Pierced ears. Her smell. I hope I don't forget her smell. That small kiss I gave her in the crypt. That feels far away already. I set up a bunch of social media accounts for Chat. I make a comment with one on the blog and the followers start to trickle in immediately. The messages eventually start to flood in. Someone thinks it's their sister, someone on the subway yesterday had the same hairstyle, someone suggests that it is Chloe Bourgeois and that Queen Bee is just a ruse to throw everyone off. I know I can at least skip looking into that one.

 

Then I open up Amazon and start shopping for bondage gear. Plagg laughs at me but I ignore him. I buy all of it. Handcuffs, chips, floggers, blindfolds, butt plugs, candles, rope, lube. Everything. If this is the kind of thing that I like I should at least be prepared for it if I ever get another opportunity, right? Nino or not. There are people you can hire to subjugate you, after all. Maybe when I find Ladybug she will be nice enough to tease me sexually and bring me to a point where I can't stand the pain any more. I a couple hundred Euro later and a box will be here for me to experiment with in two days. Maybe I should have sprung for the instant delivery instead but now my head is full of Ladybug again. Walking her fingers up my chest to my bell. She pinches below my chin like Nino had and replaces her fingers with her teeth. What am I even thinking about? I need to snap out of it. There is nobody to stop me from jerking off to LB and it's not like I haven't a hundred times before. It just feels extra wrong today. I look down at my arm where Nino had pinched me. There's only one very faint bruise. Ladybug would mark me up. She would claim me as hers and I'd give everything to her. I'd give everything to Nino if I could, too. Am I cheating on my feelings for either one of them if they dont like me back? They don't like me back because I am not worthy of either one of them. I just have horrible fantasies like this. I need to get that out of my system. Maybe Chat can find a baddie to beat me up a little bit.

"Let's go be the friendly neighborhood black cat," I call for Plagg. He doesn't object.


	4. Day 4- Negroni

 

Marinette finds me in my home gym the next morning. Do not laugh at her, Adrien. I am not going to give the poor woman grief about liking me but her face right now is hilarious. I greet her with a _quality_  smile. If it is possible for her to blush deeper, that's what happens. I shouldn't torture her. I wipe myself off quickly and find a shirt. 

"What brings you here?" God, she is still a tomato.

"I-I was wondering if you would like to have breakfast together," she holds up a paper bag. Yes! I am starving and that smells like bread!

"I will eat breakfast with you forever if you wanted to," it's an overreaction but her dad's baked goods are the best. Marinette's eyes grow wide and she seems completely stunned. I hope that I haven't broken her. I take her to the kitchen and pour us some coffee. I place out milk and sugar, I'm not sure how she drinks her coffee. She always gets lattes and cappuccinos when we are at cafes. 

"N... Nino said that you might be lonely, so I..." she trails off in explanation. Oh, Marinette. I have been lonely every day of my life. I do kind of like everyone checking on me like this, but they shouldn't have to. I don't deserve it. 

 

"Adrien. I didn't realize that you had a girlfriend over," my father's greeting is especially horrible. It's got all kinds of suggestions that are wrong. I see Marinette tense up immediately at the sound of his voice.

"Marinette is checking on me. I may be in a self-destructive downward spiral," I answer him flatly.

"I believe we have met before Mademoiselle Dupain," he extends his hand to her. Marinette doesn't move. Why is she so afraid? Maybe I shouldn't have told her that my dad was Hawk Moth. Anybody would be afraid.

"Dupain-Cheng," I correct my father, pushing his arm away from her. He nods his head. I watch Marinette as he pours himself a coffee and exits. Her eyes are locked on my dad in an intense, calculating way. I can't tell if it is hatred or fear. Or something else.

"He's harmless right now," I try to reassure her when he's gone, even though I'm not sure that I believe my own words. 

"You don't think it's dangerous?" she asks me.

"I think I can defend myself," I smile. Marinette has no reaction to it like she usually would. Ten minutes with me and she is already immune to my charms again. Maybe I should take my shirt back off.

 

"You guys are really worried about me, aren't you? I swear I am feeling much better. You don't have to go out of your way like this, Mari."

"Nino thinks that it is really serious. I am really worried. I want you to know that I am here for you. If you want me to bring breakfast forever, I really will," she insists quickly. I kind of feel bad again. I know that she has a crush on me. I shouldn't give her all this false hope all the time but I really like the attention. I'm just using her. That's really unfair. I am such a bad person. All of Marinette's feelings for me have always been nothing less than genuine. 

"It's okay to rely on your friends," the petite woman says like she's listening to my inner thoughts. Phew.

"I asked a lot of Nino yesterday and I feel bad about that. Now you're here too. I don't really think you guys should care this much," I admit, "I don't want you to waste your time on me, Marinette."

"It's not selfish to ask for help. We want to help you. It's not a waste of time."

"Thank you." But what she is talking about helping with is totally different from what I mean. I don't need to be kept company. I need to be kept. I am pretty clear on this now with myself.

 

"Yesterday I asked Nino to try to hurt me. I'm worried now that I might have disrupted him and Alya because it was really intimate. I don't want them to break up. I was just desperate," I confide. I know this girl, she isn't going to judge me. Marinette is Alya's best friend. She will know how Nino and Alya are doing.

"You wanted to be in pain?" Marinette misses the point completely and her eyes widen a little. 

"Nino actually has some fighting skills, I was impressed," let's go along with it. Whatever.

"Really?"

"Yeah. He did like some Wing Chun shit when I blocked his hits," I hide my mouth behind a croissant.

"I wonder if that comes from all of that partying," Marinette giggles. She really is a cute girl. Her eyelashes are lovely. 

"All of those raver skills but he wouldn't use them."

"I've taken some martial arts lessons, too. And self-defense. Do you want to try fighting me? I don't want to get hurt, though. So you have to cut me some slack," Marinette offers. What? I can't imagine Marinette fighting anybody. If Nino isn't capable of hurting me, Marinette _definitely_  isn't. I kind of want to see her try, though. It will be funny if nothing else. I should really stop teasing her like this.

 

Marinette's fighting stance is actually pretty solid, I note. She is wearing my clothes because there was no way I could stand to have a match with her in that honestly really adorable dress that she had on. My clothes swallow her but she has balled the side of the shirt at her waist to fit. I have outfitted her with knee pads, boxing gloves, a boxing helmet, and a mouthguard. I did myself up the same way. I am mostly interested in seeing her try to fight and she won't think it's fair if I am not in the same equipment. I am going to probably let her win, anyway. I just have to pretend enough so that she gets frustrated and really hits me. If she can. I initiate, throwing a light punch square at her nose. She effortlessly blocks it. Effortlessly? There's a jab at my sternum followed by a quick, light hit at the side of my head. I jump back. What? There is no way Marinette is this good. I stare into her eyes. We are assessing each other. Are all my friends secretly black belts? I'm going to increase my skill level for her. I go in again and we can't land a hit on each other. She is the one that steps back this time. I see a flash of competitiveness in her. I would have never imagined that from Marinette. I didn't imagine her to be able to fight, either. Forget trying to get hurt. I want to see just how good she is! Marinette clumsily removes her mouthguard.

"No gloves. I want to go all out!" She puts the guard back in and starts ripping at the velcro on her wrists.

 

We brawl for a while. It's satisfying. I let her hit me but I can't get through very often to her. I get her jaw but she hooks her foot behind my ankle and I'm on the ground. She's on me, hands pressed at my shoulders. Wow. Holy shit, Marinette! I spit out my mouthguard.

"You're amazing," I mean it. I really do. I watch her face flush and she seems to realize what she's done. She goes to scramble off of me, but I catch her arm to stop her. My adrenaline is rushing. That was a genuinely satisfying fight. 

"Let's go again," I say quietly, searching her face. I wonder what else I don't know about Marinette because this feels like something big and important. She leans over and catches my lips with hers. She's kissing me? Right now? With the mouthguard in the way? Aaaand she's gone. I sit up. Wow. Marinette is hiding her face in her hands, probably chastising herself for doing that. She has always done a pretty good job of restraining herself, I guess. I don't feel violated like I do when it's strangers that kiss me. And I know she means it. I can't brush this off. It would be really cruel to pretend that didn't happen. Don't forget she can take me in a fight, too.

 

What do I say? A real man would just go kiss her again. I'm not a man, I'm just a cat. I can't reject her, either. It would crush her, I know that it would. Is this how Ladybug felt with me? God. What do I say? I need to say _something_  and I need to say it fast. I can see Marinette starting to spiral. 

"Thank you, Marinette," I stumble. She looks like a deer in headlights. Okay. Now I have a few more seconds to come up with what to say. What do I say? What do I do? What would I do if I were Chat right now? Say something cute and peace out, probably. I can't do that. Come on, Adrien!

"I really like that you like me. I mean... I mean, I've known for a while, but I just don't want to do the wrong thing. My heart is really fragile, and I think that how I am isn't... normal. There are people that I think that I like more, but they don't like me back. I don't know what to do about you. I don't have a lot of friends so you are precious to me already." Where the hell did that come from? "My heart is really broken right now, so I can't stand to do that to you, too."

 

Oh god it sounds like I'm rejecting her. Stop it. Say something else. But I do want to reject her, don't I?

"Maybe we can..." I don't know. I really don't know. Shit. I am so stupid.

"It's okay, Adrien. I didn't mean to add to your stress! I know that you've got a lot going on right now," she waves her hands around in the air like that's going to make this whole situation disappear.

"We don't have to figure it out right away," I agree. Is this okay? Am I leading her on too much? Should I explain better that I would leave her for Ladybug?

"I want to be honest with you, Marinette, but I don't know what to do," I apologize. She doesn't seem like she's upset and Marinette isn't good at hiding her emotions, so I think we might be alright.

"Marinette?" I venture. I have to make sure.

"I'll bring you breakfast until you don't want me to anymore and we can talk. I want to know about your broken heart. I really want to help you," she says quietly, "You don't have to feel guilty about me liking you. They're my feelings." 

"I seriously have no idea how I didn't know you were this amazing," I smile. It's a real smile this time. She blushes and goes to take off the headgear.

"Wait, fight me again!" I insist. She laughs. We spar some more and she shows me some moves and I show her some techniques I've picked up as Chat. It almost feels like we are back to normal by the time she has to excuse herself to go to her internship. I tell her to come dressed appropriately tomorrow.

 

I snap a selfie with the ice cream cone, add a filter and post it up on Insta ('Looks just as delicious as LB!') and crosspost it to everything else. Chat Noir now has more followers than Adrien Agreste. I have more followers than my dad's brand. Hell, I have more followers than Mayor Bourgeois. Can I get elected as mayor? Maybe even president! I laugh and post that in Chinese on Weibo. Why the hell not? I am actually feeling much better. It's good to have a plan. Have some direction in my life. And I am going to find Ladybug. I am sure of it. I log the ice cream in my fitness app along with the sparring I did with Marinette and the running across all those rooftops. How was I ever a superhero without a phone? This ice cream is pretty nice. I give some tourists directions in English and let them take selfies with me. This is a pretty good life. Chat Noir has the best life. Alya texts me to meet her. Adrien's life? Not so much. I scamper over to the jazz club she mentioned and turn back into Adrien on the fire escape.

 

"Hey Alya," I greet her. Oh my god I'm nervous. What if she hates me? I can't tell if she hates me or not. I take the barstool next to hers. The place is deserted because it's only the middle of the day. There is a person on a laptop in a booth but we are the only other patrons.

"What is going on with you?" is her opener. O-kay. The bartender had been on her way over but turned a heel back around when she overheard Alya's tone. Cool. I should have expected this. I _did_  expect this.

"I'm sorry," I cringe. 

"You can't tell me Adrien Agreste is into BDSM, not with that face of yours," she points at me. I'd laugh if I wasn't scared.

"I think that I am?" This is embarrassing. "I didn't realize. I'm sorry for roping Nino into it."

"I don't get it!" she shakes her head. The bartender gathers enough courage to approach us to take my order.

"My life felt like it was falling apart and I was desperate," well that sounds like an excuse, doesn't it? Alya stares at me. She doesn't seem like she knows what to say.

"Did Chat Noir come and see you last night?" she asks.

"How do you know that?" I hate lying. I really do.

"You should have Chat Noir do that kind of thing to you instead. He looks like he'd know a thing or two," she tells me. I choke. Jesus. Christ. She's so wrong but she's not wrong. I want to die. I really want to die right now.

"He's probably way more of a sub than I am! He wouldn't shut up about Ladybug for hours." Good. That was quick thinking. I am given my Negroni by the bartender, who is blushing. She's recognized who I am. I legitimately can't go anywhere, can I?

"Adrien."

"Yeah?" I hum.

"Nino really seems to think that you're in love with him. I don't know why he would still do... that with you if he thinks that."

"He was trying to be a good bro. I was crying a lot." I am 1000% on Nino's side. I have to smooth this over with Alya for him no matter how much self respect I give up in the process.

 

"But what were _you_  doing?" she accuses, " _Are_ you gay? _Do_  you like him?" Well. I need to drink more for this. I peer into my glass at the soft red liquid.

"I was being really selfish. It's not my intention to steal him," I mumble, raising the glass to my lips. The cold feels good. Alya is quiet for a moment. What is she thinking? I hope she doesn't hate me. If Alya hates me, Nino will leave with her. I don't think I can stand for anyone else to leave me.

"You do love him?" she asks to make sure.

"I guess. I think I got confused but I can't go back. I do still mostly like women," I whisper. I don't want the bartender who knows who I am to spread around rumors about me, whether or not it's true. Alya orders another boozy soda. 

"So when Mari kissed you, the person that you like more is Nino?" Man. This is hard. That's a doozy.

"She told you about that?"

"Mari is losing her mind," Alya chuckles at it. I smile too. Her crush on me is, if nothing else, adorable. I love it. The sides of my glass are wet now from condensation.

"I want... I don't know if I want an owner or a master or whatever or if I need to be controlled? My dad always controlled me? But... I know that I want to feel pain. Can you imagine Marinette standing over me with a whip?" I smirk. Alya laughs at the visual.

"You're right. There's no way," Alya wipes at her eyes with a finger, jostling her glasses. I know that Ladybug can do it, though. She's demanding enough. She's tough. Just like Nino. Ladybug could set aside her kindness and do it, but unlike Nino, she would be able to make me feel.

"Poor Marinette, if that's why you don't like her!" Alya sighs dramatically. Yeah. Poor Marinette. I do feel bad about it. Really bad.

 

"I'm going to help Chat Noir find Ladybug. I feel really bad for him, he was abandoned."

"Abandoned? Have you seen the internet today _at all_ , Monsieur Agreste?" Alya leans in at me, "he's running around like a child having the time of his life!"

"Maybe he's doing that because he is lonely," I can't help but to defend him. After all, it is me, isn't it? Is this what people are thinking? Chat's on the loose without his lady to reign him in? Is that right?

"I did him a huge fucking favor against Ladybug's wishes. I hope he appreciates me," Alya grumbles next, biting on her straw.

"Do you not like Chat?" I take a swig of my drink, too. It never occurred to me that it was possible for anyone to not like him. Me. Him.

"Maybe he's not the guy we all thought he was. He looked good because Ladybug was there. He's just throwing a fit now because she's quit and he doesn't want to. It's selfish. He wants to find out who she is but that's her biggest secret! What makes him special? Why should we all bend the rules for him?" Is the criticism. It's fair. It's completely fair. My chest hurts.

"Maybe he can't help it because he is blinded by love," I can't help it.

"You know who else was blinded by love? Hawk Moth-" Alya stops herself, remembering that it is me that she is talking to. Yeah. She has a good point.

 

"So it's immature? Chat is probably only our age. Maybe he would rather die than to be alone."

"He doesn't have to be alone, he's Chat Noir! He has..." Alya pulls out her phone to dramatically check, "92 thousand Instagram followers. He can probably bed any woman he wants."

"I don't think that he is that type of guy," my drink is empty so I motion for a new one.

"What type of guy do you think he is?" She groans.

"The type of guy who is really heartbroken. He's completely alone."

"You're projecting, Adrien. Your projecting onto this super hero. You're the one who is hurt and lonely and feeling betrayed by your family," she wags a finger, "you're the one that wants to die."

"Yeah," she is still not wrong. Maybe wrong about Chat Noir, but not about me. My second spicy red drink arrives.

"I thought I was feeling better, but now not so much," I mumble.

"You should date Marinette. She would be good for you."

"I want her to truly understand what she's getting into first," the ice cubes are great.

"She isn't stupid. She is aware that you are damaged goods," Alya says.

"I'll think about it. The woman I love the most in the world just rejected me and then my dad was... That. I don't want to make Marinette the one that has to heal me. I want to be me if I make love to her."

"Whoa boy, that's a jump!" Alya looks completely scandalized on Marinette's behalf.

"This is Paris," I grumble into my glass.

 

"Nino!" I catch sight of him and raise my shot glass in the air in greeting. Alya turns and yells his name too and then I say it again and she says it again and we laugh.

"Hey guys. Finish up, let's go," he is really nice about it. I wave over the bartender who knows who I am and I pay off our tab. I'm the rich friend! Nino leads us outside and down the street. Alya is hanging off him but I am pretty good at walking. I didn't expect to be so good at it. The night air feels so nice against my face. The streetlights are pretty. This is great. I feel free. I feel wonderful!

"Nino! Nino I'm sorry," I grin at him. I don't care what he's saying. I am transcended! Today was such a good day! I have a harder time with stairs. Oh I should probably go back home instead of crashing with them. Nino's arm slides around my waist. He's touching me! Touching! Me! I am helped up the steps to their apartment. Alya is laughing so much. She's so happy too. Alya! I like Alya. All her hair and her flawless skin and her perfect makeup. Whoa buddy I can't have the hots for everybody I know that's bad that would be a bad. Nino gives us both a glass of sparkling water. I really like the bubbles. I only ever get plain water at home. There's nothing special at home. My name? Oh hey, Nino. I can't listen to you right now I am not can do it. I cover my face so I can't see him so he can't see me.

 

I think that I would give up Adrien if it weren't for my friends. I could just be Chat Noir all the time. He's useful. Dumb, but at least he helps. Contributes to society. I'm just a stupid man with a handsome face and my daddy's money and I do nothing. I have no dreams at all, no aspirations. And I am a bad person just like my dad is a bad person, I never learned any better except for Ladybug. I can't believe that Nino would do so much for me. I barely bring anyone any happiness as myself. Why do they keep me around like this? Maybe they are just waiting for a good time to let me go just like LB. 


	5. Day 5- True Heroes

 

My watch alarm starts to vibrate and I lazily hit the button. I should delete my alarms now that I am free of my father's tyranny. I can sleep however long I want to sleep. I am curled up on the floor with Alya. There are pillows and blankets. Bless you, Nino. Nino's on the couch with his laptop and his headphones, getting some work done probably. I get up carefully, not wanting to wake Alya. 

"Do you want some food?" Nino offers, quiet.

"Um... Yeah," I nod sheepishly. He's a saint. The Dali lama, mere Therese, and Ladybug all wrapped up into one. He makes some toast and fries an egg for me. I gladly tuck in to it, realizing just how horrible my body feels. Maybe I will go back to bed.

"You really have a Ladybug boner, dude." Yeah. I really do. You don't even know the half of it.

"How are we supposed to feel safe now without her around?" I sigh. I might have a headache.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need real help." Yeah I definitely have a headache.

"Was I a mess yesterday? I'm sorry," please don't hate me, Nino. 

"You don't remember how much you cried?" Nino is making another egg. Yeah, I do. I fucking lost it. My thoughts went way out of control and I was scared. There's some sort of deep terror inside of me now that I can't stand. What happens if people die? What happens if I can't save them and it's my fault for not being good enough? What if it's my fault for being a bad person or a stupid guy. Chat is useless without Ladybug. 

"Adrien," Nino pulls me out of it, "we are here for you, bro. It's going to be okay. We will help you when you need us. Whatever you need from us, okay?"

"Marinette said the same thing yes- Shit. Marinette! Where's my phone?" My hands instinctively go to my thighs and chest in a quick check for my phone. I hear Plagg's muffled exclamation when he gets hit in this.

"I plugged it in for you. Hold on," Nino goes to get it. This guy is the best. Is there anyone out there as good as Nino is? Besides LB?

"I was supposed to have breakfast with Marinette and we were going to work out together," I explain to Nino when he delivers my phone. There are a million notifications from Chat Noir's socials but two texts from Marinette and one from Nathalie.

 

<Good morning Adrien, are you home?>

<Is everything ok? Please answer.>

 

<Your friend is looking for you, should we send her away since you are not here to receive her?>

 

I have left poor little Marinette in the clutches of Mayura and Hawk Moth just like I did to Ladybug.

"Sorry, I can't leave her with my dad. I have to go," I look around for my shoes. Nino points to them silently. I have them on and am going down the stairwell three or four steps at a time. I was irresponsible. Like extremely irresponsible. I knew that I had this planned with Marinette and I totally forgot about it and went out to get drunk instead. I might be the worst superhero in the history of superheroes. I run the whole way to my house as Adrien, it won't be any faster as Chat and Plagg could probably use some food today first. My head is pounding. Really pounding. I find the three of them in Dad's office. Marinette looks like she is anxious. I grab Marinette's elbow, excuse us curtly, and take her to my room. It feels like the safest place. I lean against the door, locking it and bolting it.

"Adrien?"

"Are you okay? They didn't hurt you?" I sound crazy. I am an insane person. My body hurts, my breathing is really heavy. I feel like I am about to die.

"I'm fine. Nobody hurt me," Marinette answers gently. I feel better.

"I'm so sorry Marinette! I ended up staying over at Nino's. I didn't mean to forget that we were meeting. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone with them."

 

"You're shaking," Marinette reaches out with her little fingers and squeezes my shoulder. I think I'm going to be sick. I am so relieved. Nothing bad happened. My stomach really, really hates me right now. I really, really hate me right now. What if I had lost Marinette to them? Marinette who is so good and pure and wholesome that she has never even been Akumatized before. They could have ended her. I wrap her up in my arms just to make sure that she is real. They took Ladybug, they can take anyone they want to take. All those people they've hurt. I've seen it all first hand. Stop freaking out! Marinette probably thinks I'm crazy. This is crazy. I am absolutely crazy.

"I'll protect you," I mumble into her hair. I say it again. And another time just in case. I mean it. I am not going to let _anything_  happen to her. To anybody. I have to get stronger. I have to get serious. Alya is right. Chat shouldn't just be goofing off like he is.

"Adrien... Hey, come back to me," Marinette says. I let go of her reluctantly. She is so, so comfortable. I want to hug her more.

 

"Does your dad hurt you?" she whispers, pushing some of my hair away from my forehead. He never hurt Adrien. He only tried to kill Chat Noir every day. That was my dad.

"No. I know what he is capable of," I say shakily. Marinette's eyes stay on me, clear and confident like if she can hold my gaze she can save me from this. Maybe she could, maybe I should let her. My stomach churns again.

"Mari, I'm so sorry. I'm so hungover," I whimper under her stare. My breathing has mostly returned to normal from my four kilometer run. 

"It's okay," she says, her voice is so tender. So kind. I'm so sick.

"I didn't mean to forget about breakfast. I'm sorry I didn't see your texts. I really don't want to worry you like that. I'm sorry you had to be captured by those people." I feel like I'm going to cry about it but my head is pounding too much for that. "I'm such a horrible person, Marinette. I really don't deserve for you to like me. I don't deserve anything at all."

"You're a wonderful man, Adrien. Everyone makes little mistakes all the time and none of that is a big deal. I forgive you, everyone forgives you." My heart melts. This time I absolutely fucking kiss her. Before I can deepen it I realize I still feel really, really sick. I should not be kissing anyone right now at all. I release her to go vomit in my bathroom.

 

"Are... are you okay, do you need me to go get you some water?" she offers. A saint. A literal saint. I spit out my mouthwash.

"No," I sigh. I retrieve two bottles of water from my mini fridge and I offer one to her. I quickly take out wheel of camembert and open it, leaving it out inconspicuously. Plagg will get it once he has the chance to. He really needs to be fed. I still feel like I am going to die, too.

"You keep all this in your bedroom?" is Marinette's question. I sit down on the couch, gulping the water. I don't know what she wants me to say about that. The part of me that doesn't feel like complete shit wants to keep kissing her. I am very emotionally vulnerable right now, aren't I? I finish the water and cover my eyes with my palms. Dig the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.

"You should call out sick for today," she is really trying to be helpful.

"I dropped out of this semester," talking makes me woozy, "I don't have anywhere to be or anything to do. My schedule is just breakfast, which is why it's so dumb I forgot about it."

"What are you going to do if you're not going to classes?" Marinette sounds worried about it.

"I don't know. I want to keep an eye on Dad."

"That's not your responsibility. Let Chat Noir do that," she looks upset. I mean. That's technically what I'm doing. But mostly I am searching for Ladybug. Ladybug. Don't think about her, there is this adorable young lady here who has already made my heart glow twice today. In the last twenty minutes, even.

"I want to kiss you more but I really feel shitty. I'm sorry for wasting your time today," I mumble, "Your outfit is really cute."

"Th-thank you," she is red like a tomato again. At least I can give her that much in return.

 

"So what are you doing with Marinette?" Plagg makes eyes at me when I get out of the shower. I've been asleep for a while, and my body still feels really sore.

"I'll try it out. I need someone to love me," it's a very bad excuse. A terrible reason. It's using her, but she does make me feel something.

"Mmmm... what about Ladybug?" Plagg looks way too cheerful. I hate that.

"Ladybug is gone. I might not find her for a long time," that's a bad excuse too. I should work on my Ladybug research for the day. When I feel better I should start going to find some of these women. Can you imagine? Chat Noir shows up on your metro train and asks you if you're Ladybug, the superheroine of Paris? I need to come up with a good way to approach this. How am I going to know if someone lies to me? What if I do find Ladybug and she tells me that it isn't her? This is starting to feel hopeless. Where is the enthusiasm that I had yesterday? I know what kind of heart that Ladybug has so I just have to watch them, I guess. There are a million suspects, am I going to keep eyes on all of them? I wonder what the man that she loves is like. I wonder why he needs her so much. He can't need Ladybug as much as I do, can he? He can, I know. I really am being selfish. Bad cat. What if... what if Ladybug already knows who _I_  am?

 

I sift through all of the online comments and I respond to most things or hit the like button so people know that I saw it. There's so much. This is going to be a full time job just by itself. Maybe it will die out when this is not so new. When I think I'm done my excel spreadsheet has a few thousand names on the suspect list. I had given each suggestion a letter grade of vagueness about likelihood. Next I will probably look up a photo of all of them, but it's already nighttime and I am starving. Doesn't seem like Chat Noir will be out on the prowl tonight. I text with Nino a little as I eat the leftover croissants from Marinette's breakfast the other day. What happened to the cook? Did Hawk Moth have everyone under a spell or something? Had he ever put me under a spell? I shudder at the prospect.


	6. Day 6- Promises

 

I meet Marinette outside when she arrives. I have two to-go cups of coffee for us and two water bottles for later. I'm glad to see she's worn athletic clothes again today, with her hair tied back. She has a paper bag with breakfast food. This is going to work out!

"I thought we could eat together in the park and go for a jog. The weather is really nice," I hand over one of the coffees. She bites her bottom lip as she tries to confine her smile. Adorable. Maybe not what I'm into, but still adorable. I'm not blind, she's super hot. I am not supposed to think that way about Marinette. She _chats_  to me about Chat Noir's new online presence and what Alya thinks about it.

"Yeah, Alya definitely is not a fan of the kitty," I laugh as we reach a good spot to have our meal. Marinette sits on the bench happily, opening the bag of baked items.

"She just doesn't understand him. Under the mask he is honest and true. He's sensitive. He must be taking Ladybug's retirement really hard," Marinette picks apart her croissant with her thumb and forefingers. That's right. I've spent some time with Marinette as Chat, haven't I? When I was feeling down about Ladybug, no less. At least Marinette doesn't hate Chat Noir. And she even has a high opinion of him.

 

"Under the mask?" I raise and eyebrow in a teasing way. She becomes very flustered, her response is nearly incomprehensible. I look up at the sky and the trees. It is a nice day. I take a light hold of her chin and give her a small kiss on her pink lips. She's so warm. We relax into it immediately. I kiss her bottom lip, the top, I slide my tongue in to meet hers. It's not like I've never kiss anyone but maybe Marinette hasn't. I grip her waist with one hand and slide my fingers into her hair with the other. Marinette melts in my hands. She really does. I can feel her pulse speeding. I might be giving her a heart attack. We make out tenderly. I want it to be like I am cherishing her. I want it to be nice and beautiful and romantic and it feels like it is. I plant some small pecks at the side of her mouth and press my forehead against hers. I raise my chin back in for another kiss. And another. Wow Adrien you are greedy. I could have been doing this with Marinette for years. Like Nino and Alya. I plant a gentle kiss on her eyelid, cradling her head in my hands. I run a thumb across her earlobe, past her earrings. Her neck is so small. I kiss her nose. I kiss her lips. I press my cheek against hers, falling into a hug. She holds me back. I can still feel her heart thumping at me.

"Marinette," I whisper her name delicately.

" _Je t'aime_ ," she says in my ear, " _mon amour_." My insides become complete mush at that. I think I am in love with her.

 

I forgot about my Amazon delivery until I see the three boxes in my room. Maybe I bought more stuff than I thought that I did. I don't open them and just move it all over to a corner in the loft. Chat Noir has stuff to do. I pull up the profiles of a few hundred names on my list and get that down to a few dozen names. Maybe this isn't so bad, it's pretty easy to eliminate people. How I'm supposed to find any of these women, I don't know. Who could I ask? Could Chat ask someone? Would the government help me with this? There's only so far I'll be able to get using social media alone. A private investigator? Chat Noir can hire a detective, can't he? I'll need cash. And to widdle my list down way more. We know that Ladybug is most recently 175 cm tall, we know her build, we know she lives in Paris and has for at about six years. We also have recordings of her voice. If I voice match her along with everything else, LB won't be able to lie to me that it's not her. If the detective can locate the women I can match the voice. There's probably software for that. Then I can check her personality. This is doable. I can probably ask Nino about how to match voices. I'm sure there's a way to look at sound wavelengths or something. I text him to ask if he's free to come hang out tomorrow.

 

The sunset is beautiful. Today was a beautiful day. I kissed a beautiful woman. I came up with a beautiful plan. This is great. I get as far away from the bank as I can before transforming into the cat. I go to a store and buy two digital recorders- and take photos with pretty much everyone in the store. I drop in on a very shocked detective. I make her swear not to look into my identity and fill her in on the plan as well as my hefty down-payment. I watch the city from the Eiffel for an hour or two as a break, posting a photo to the socials and scrolling through the comments. On my way home I stop a drunken brawl, help change a flat tire, and return a lost dog to its owner. Pretty friendly neighborhood Chat Noir. I feel really, really good about myself for once as I roll dramatically into my bedroom from the window.

 

"Chat Noir?" it's my father. Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

"Hawk Moth," I lower my voice. We stare at each other. I am not speaking first. If he tries anything, I can Cataclysm him right here.

"What are you doing here?" Dad finally gives in first. Good.

"Checking to see if Adrien Agreste has killed himself today or not. His friends want me to keep an eye on him and I want to keep an eye on you." This is pretty cold. Downright mean. But it is what the black cat of Paris would do. Dad takes his time with replying.

"I understand," Dad pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. You understand? What do you understand? How dare you think that you understand _anything_?

"It seems as though my son has run away again tonight."

"What would he stay here for?" I hiss. Dad shakes his head, stumped.

"Would you know where he spends his evenings?"

"Even if I did, it's not any of your business. Ask him yourself." I'm pissed. I am so angry about this. Unbelievable. 

"You are here every night?" Haw- Dad asks me. I don't answer. He could be trying to trap me again. If Dad got the cat Miraculous there is no telling what he could do. That is the most dangerous thing I can think of. It's scary. Terrifying. I move backwards a little towards the window. Just in case.

"It may be inappropriate to ask anything of you, but do not let my son die," he says. What? Does he actually love me or is he trying to manipulate Chat Noir? I can't tell.

"I can't promise something like that," I leave.


	7. Day 7- Cat Walk

 

Nathalie fetches me around noon because my father wants to meet with me. I don't understand it but my hands are shaking as I step into his studio office. Plagg pats my chest from his place under my shirt. I don't feel better, Plagg.

"What do you want?" I put on my best delinquent teenager act. I'm not a teenager anymore but I feel like this is how I should still be. Like an attitude of rebellion that has settled completely down into my being. It's fake.

"I met Chat Noir last night in your room," he says.

"Why were you in my room?" I have already rehearsed a few versions of this conversation in my head.

"I was checking to see if you were here. Which you weren't. Where are you going at night?" I hear something familiar in the tone. Any sort of bravery that I had a minute ago is all gone. What do I do? What does he want to hear? I can see that my silence isn't satisfying. Come on and think of something to say, Adrien.

"How close are you with Chat Noir?" he rumbles. I flinch. Get it together.

"Close," don't start dropping hints like this, Adrien! "Just because you're Hawk Moth doesn't mean that I can't be friends with Chat Noir."

"Are you lovers?"

"What?" I choke. Plagg is trying _very hard_  to contain his laughter, I can tell by the way he writhes around against me.

"His behavior towards you was similar to how he treats Ladybug. I know that you are gay. Is it Chat Noir?" You know _what_? This is too much. Too. Much. Do you not know that I made out with Marinette in our house for an hour earlier today? I guess that it's good to know that the place isn't full of video surveillance after all, but really! What the hell is this? What is going on? Why- oh. He wants to get to Chat. He is thinking of using me as bait for Chat Noir.

"I don't know who he is," I finally say. That's fine. It works if he's not suspecting that I'm the kitty, at least.

"I don't care who he is, Adrien. Where are you going with him?" is the demand. Alright. I give up. I don't understand this at all. Maybe I should inject this with a little bit of truth.

 

"I'm not lovers with Chat Noir. I am helping him find Ladybug. I am maybe a little bit gay, but there isn't anything happening with _Chaton_ ," I use one of LB's nicknames here because I feel like I should probably still give Dad a little bit of a runaround. What a dumbass way to have to come out. I can tell Plagg is having literally the time of his _life_.

"What are you doing outside in the middle of the night, then?" Dad sighs.

"Drugs," I respond automatically. Plagg definitely squirms at that one. This is his favorite conversation with a super villain ever.

"Adrien." O-kay. That's scary.

"I'm with friends or other people. I'm not just hanging out on the street. I don't want to be alone. Especially at night," it sounds right coming from me. Like if I weren't being Chat this would be the real answer to this question. I watch something in Dad's face soften. What? Is he caring about me?

"You could have told me if you were having a hard time, Adrien."

"I was right not to trust you but you wouldn't have cared anyway," I grumble. Why is he trying to act like a good father now that he isn't busy trying to take over the world every day? It doesn't magically make him a good person again. I know that having a miraculous doesn't change your personality. It's still you in there.

"I care now. If you aren't doing okay, I want to know. It seems like all of this is a cry for help and I hear you. I want to do what I can to help you." This is really too much. And I do want him to care about me. It's just weird.

"Are you upset about Mom?" I whisper.

"Of course."

"I feel like instead of having to lose her once I'm having to mourn all over again but this time I can't be sad enough. I feel guilty that I can't be more upset. Like I don't love her as much this time," I let out. Only Dad can understand what it is like to lose Mom because she is gone from him too. Dad hugs me and I don't flinch away from it and I don't feel scared of him.

 

"So Alya says that your pain stuff is okay but she is proposing some rule changes,"  Nino says as soon as I close the door. Excuse me? Today is really something else. 

"You are still okay with doing this?" I make a face at him like I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening.

"Yeah. Alya says it's okay if you get an erection but not if I do. No touching each other with our mouths or on the no-no zone. She wants photos if you are okay with that. I also have to tell her everything."

"Dude. Alya is kinky."

"Bruh," Nino nods his head solemnly. Okay now I know way too much.

"Second thing: Are you dating Marinette now? Why didn't you tell me?"

"We... I don't know if we are dating, I'm just making out with her a little right now," I know that's rude to say.

"Mari isn't the kind of girl you just make out with a little bit. Don't mess with her feelings, man. She is super in love with you."

"I want to take it slow," I sigh.

"Did you want to do the pain stuff? I researched ideas a little since last time. I think I feel better about it."

"Sure. But there was something else I needed your help with first. I want to help Chat Noir find Ladybug. I had the idea that- Nino, my dad thinks that I am sleeping with Chat Noir," I interrupt my own thought to tell him this. Nino starts to laugh. He is nearly crying he is laughing so hard. I laugh too. This is funny. It's so ridiculous.

"I'm sorry Adrien- but the visual," Nino can't breathe. I try not to imagine it. I can't even begin to decide how any of that would work even if Chat was somebody else. You can't take the suit off without detransforming. Plagg is not into bodily functions. I wait for Nino to recompose himself before explaining the sound analysis idea.

 

"I bought a bunch of stuff. I don't know if you'd want to use any of it but I thought it would be good to have. As options. I didn't even really think we'd do this again," I retrieve the boxes. Nino is fiddling with my computer a little still but we are basically done with business.

"It's just like you to buy out a store just in case," Nino teases. I shrug at it, finding some scissors to open the boxes with. Nino joins me. He's curious. I can't believe that he's into this at all. We are really doing this? Is this real? I sift through the first box,  all of it is individually packaged. What a pain.

"Dude. You really have a Ladybug thing," Nino has found the little collar. I got it because I thought it was funny, it has a tiny bell on it. I smirk. It is funny. I'm the only one who will get the joke. I don't dignify his accusation with a response.

"So if you bought something, that means you're open to trying it out?" Nino asks to make sure. He has set the rope aside with the collar. Oh my god. Yes.

"Yeah. I wanted options so everything I'd be okay with is here," I'm saying when he finds the butt plugs. Well. That is bad timing. 

"Really?" He looks at me.

"I want buying it all for you, I was buying it for me. You don't have to use anything," this is embarrassing.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to judge you. You're allowed. Were you imaging me using this stuff on you when you were shopping?"

"Yes and no. Depends on the thing. Sometimes it's Ladybug," that is maybe too honest. I hope I don't give myself away. Nino's quiet as he finishes sorting through the one box. I continue opening bags myself, stacking bondage paraphernalia in the table.

"You didn't buy any whip things?" Nino asks out of the blue. Holy shit. 

"They're probably in the other box," I try and keep my cool. This is so hard. He is going to try to hit me again. I want that. I really want it. I love this guy.

"I thought... I thought maybe spanking would be good."

"Yes!" No hesitation, Adrien? Nino laughs a little nervous laugh. It's so cute. What do I do?

 

"I think you probably have to take off your pants," he is embarrassed. I am, too. Just because it's him. Plenty of thousands of people have seen me nude. Photoshop retouched nude, but they've seen me nonetheless. I bet Marinette keeps the pictures tucked away somewhere, even.

"My shirt too? If you want to use my torso?" I offer, stepping out of my pants and boxers.

 "Um... Sure. You have a tattoo?" I am taking my shirt off. Oh right. I did that when I turned 18. I thought it was cute and funny and that people would never really see it. There's a small paw print on my hip with a Ladybug pattern fill.

"I got really fucked up at a party three-ish years ago? I'm glad it's in a place people can't see," I explain. What is he thinking, looking at me like that?

"I was joking about you having a Ladybug fetish earlier but you really do, don't you? You kept saying the other day you wish you were Chat Noir, too."

"I'd be a bad Chat Noir," I mumble. Nino has completely caught me red-handed.

"You can be Chat Noir if you want," he is okay with it? What did I do to deserve Nino? 

" _Purr_ -fect."

"Oh god, no," Nino laughs. He's so beautiful. Please don't forget that you are naked right now, Adrien. You can't think this stuff. Don't think it. Don't.

"Okay. We'll do the cat cosplay. So um... Did you want to use names? Or be called names? Or use a word for me?" Nino is already working. He  wraps the collar around my neck and my spine tingles when his fingers brush against my neck as he fastens it.

"I'll call you whatever you want," I swear. He's probably not going to choose 'Master'. There's no way.

"You can't do 'Daddy', right?" He asks. Whoa. I also did not see that one coming. I can't do it? 

"That's okay," I mumble.

"Are you sure?" He makes eye contact. I nod. Nino! Nino you're wild!

"What about you? Do you want to be called bad stuff or a name or something? Do you want Chat?" Oh my god. That would be too much, I am getting hard just at that suggestion. 

"Maybe other kind of cat names," I look away.

"Like what Ladybug uses?" He suggests, "Kitten? _Minon_? Streetcat? _Pepito_? Tiger?"

"Yes. All of that is okay. I don't... I don't want you to use bitch or anything like that."

"Good. Just pet names, then," he looks really relieved. Nino doesn't actually want to be mean to me.

 

He just uses a scarf to lightly bind my wrists in front of me. I'm sad that we aren't putting the rope to use. There's going to be a next time to look forward to, though. I can't believe that still. I can't believe this is even happening now. 

"What do we call this?" I ask, "like... doing this. What do we call it?" I hate to have to develop our whole vocabulary right now but my head is starting to hurt.

"A tryst?" he jokes.

"That makes me feel guilty. Like we're having an affair," I say. His smile falls immediately. We need to brainstorm something better.

"Alya has given her complete consent for me to help you with this. I want to do it. This isn't an affair," Nino tells me. I nod my head. Still have to come up with some sort of name.

"Cat walks."

"Wow, Nino." What a multi-layered pun. I should give him some kind of award.

"No good?"

"It's fine," I chuckle at it.

"We can change it later. Are there any other things we should talk about first?"

"Don't be afraid to hurt me. I want to feel the pain," I mumble, "you don't have to feel like you're being mean to me. You are helping, I promise."

" _Oui, chouchoute_. Let me know if it's too much. What kind of position do you want to be in for this?"

 

I don't know. It's still totally unbelievable that he is planning to spank me at all. Maybe I am dreaming. I climb onto my bed as best I can with my arms tied and raise my butt. Shit. This is definitely a 'fuck me' pose and not a 'spank me' one. I press my face into the scarf fabric. I don't know how to do any of this. I feel his fingers graze my hip and I shudder a little bit at the sudden contact. He is tracing my tattoo. I am on fire. Completely incinerating. Nino. Is. Touching. Me.

" _Minou_..."

Is he saying something? I can't think. My brain isn't working anymore. Where is he? Touch me more. Touch me forever. Nino. A hand slides across my buttcheek. I twist my neck to look. There is no way this is real. It is a good thing Alya changed the rules about getting turned on because this is what I will use for masturbation material for the rest of my whole damn life. Nino squeezing my ass. I can't. I can't handle it. His first hit collides with my upper thigh and it is so soft. A gasp escapes from me anyway. My whole body is paying attention now. I close my eyes.

"Please punish me more, Daddy." I whimper shakily. Nino slaps me again harder and I feel like I can feel it everywhere. I let out an embarrassing noise every single time his palm comes into contact with my skin. It jolts through me like electricity. I am losing my mind. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He works up to smacking me hard. The pain flashes through my brain with every impact, erasing everything else there is. Nino presses his hand against where he's been hitting and leans over my back. I am going to explode. How am I not dead.

"Is this good, Chaton? Do you want the whip?" His voice makes the blood rush to my ears. Chaton! This is heaven. 

"Please!"

"Please, what?"

"Daddy," I comply immediately with desperation, "Daddy, please!"

 

I let my legs slide out from under me so I am just laying face down and I press my hips against the mattress. I am so hard. I shouldn't be this way. I look for Nino. Help me, Nino. Please. He's got the flogger. That isn't a whip, Nino. I don't really care as long as he actually hits me with it.

"Can you go back to how you were, Chaton?" Nino asks. I pull my knees back up under me. If you want me to, I will. I lean back, raising my ass for him. I want to do what he says. I will do anything for him. Anything. The pain is exquisite. I whimper in response, my breath catching in my throat. Holy shit.

"Is that too much?"

"No," my voice sounds like a completely different person. He hits me again. It's like a million fireworks in my brain. I love it. It hurts. It does really hurt. Nino is hitting me. The sound it makes is even amazing. The next one is an intense shock. My body flinches. Yes. I bite into my bottom lip. This time I hear it hit me before I feel it. The pain is incredible, like it is building and building. It's like my skin is being burned now and there are little embers erupting everywhere.

"Daddy," I have started to cry. I am crying. Oh my god.

 

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No." Please don't stop. No matter how much I cry.

"Lay down if it's too much, _mon minou_ ," Nino says gently before hitting me again. I can't tell if he's doing it harder or softer. I can't think of anything. I throw my head back. Somehow I want more. He thrashes the flogger against my thighs in quick succession and I quiver. I can't think. I can't think. I'm shaking.

"Hold on," Nino pauses, "Hey kitty kitty, look here."

"What?" I sob at him, turning my head to find here he is. He has his phone out. Why? I feel another pained wail escape my lips. I am crying so much.

"You still want me to keep going?" is a question. Nino's phone is pointed at me. Yes. Maybe I nod. People are going to see this. But. I need more pain. I want more of it. I look down at my hands, they are shaking. I am completely shaking. Nino is touching me. It's a gentle touch but my skin hurts. It's so sore. He rubs where he has hit me. I convulse, my body racked with cries.

"Adrien..." he takes my shoulder and rolls me onto my side. I am a blubbering mess. Nino removes the scarf from my hands, it had mostly fallen off of my wrists already and I had just been holding on to the fabric. I can't breathe I am crying so hard.

"I'm here," he reassures. I can't bring myself to look at his face right now. I don't want to let him see me. He pulls me into his lap and I push my face into his knee. He pats my head.

 

I fell asleep on him. I still have the collar on, too. Am I an actual real life cat?

"Are you okay, Adrien? I think you passed out," Nino is so close to my face. Please don't be so close to me, my heart cannot take it.

"How long?"

"Like fifteen minutes? Are you okay, though?" he asks again.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine," I sit up. My butt doesn't really hurt even though I expected it to. I feel so at ease. My chest feels... free? I don't know how to describe it, but I don't think I've felt like this before in my life.

"You sure, bro? You... were pretty upset," he cringes.

"No. That was great. Perfect," I shake my head, rubbing my face with my hands.

"Really?"

"Yes! Absolutely what I wanted. I feel so relaxed now," I confess, "You were great. Thank you."

"Good," he seems relieved.

"Are you still cool with this?" I mumble as I stand up. I still feel a little shaky. I find my bottoms and gingerly get dressed.

"I... I definitely am. It's kind of fun?" Nino is really bashful now. I rub the back of my neck. Oh. The collar.

"Do you want me to leave this on?" I offer. Nino... blushes? What?

"Nah, bro. Take it off," he grins. What is that? What are you doing? Are you trying to make my heart implode? I manage to undo the buckle myself and I drop it into his lap.

"Here you go, Daddy."

"Do you want to see the picture I sent to Alya?" he asks. I sit next to him.

"100%."

 

I've never felt this good before. My heart feels extremely calm as I stroll along the sidewalk on... Rue St. Dominique. Wherever. I just find my way around with my own little landmarks all the time. I know the city really well. Better than anyone else. I like this street because you come around the bend at night and it is a really good view of Eiffel. Romantic. When I get to the right spot I jump up to a ledge so I can enjoy the view. It's really weird how I was in so much pain earlier and I don't feel it at all now. Spanking is some magic stuff. This scenic spot is so good. The view is extra excellent today. It's really busy tonight, there are a lot of people out enjoying the weather. There are a lot of eateries here too, which I guess helps. And tourists, but I can't blame them. They found a treasure location. There's a soccer match playing, I see it in some of the windows. Cheers and yelling drift up from one of the pubs. I drop down and let myself in at halftime, take a bunch of selfies with people and have a lot of beer offered to me, but I'm not drinking because I'm Chat right now. I have to pretend to be a good example. Even sober, I am having so much fun. We yell at the PSG match and I get especially into it. I've never done anything like this before. The game ends in a draw and I sneak my way onto a good comfortable roof to monitor social media. I'm in the gossip column on news websites now. It's kind of fun to be famous like this. I like it so much more than I would if it were Adrien. I'd feel violated if it was me in these pictures having a good time. But with Chat Noir, I'm bringing people some happiness. It's innocent, and he's beloved. It's fun. I have so much more fun when I am Chat Noir. I am careful to turn back into Adrien before getting anywhere close to home and it is much harder to climb through my window. Plagg snickers at my struggle.


	8. Day 8- Sugar Crash

 

"Mari!" I am glad to see her. When did I start shortening her name like that? Right now? She blushes shyly. I should probably not do that yet.

"I wanted to cook today, but can we spar first? I am a little excited about it, I'm fired up!" So cute. She is so cute. I can't believe I am kissing someone this cute that likes me so much that is so good at kung fu. What about what Nino said? I should probably talk to her before out makeout sessions become something more. This is our third duel and it's becoming a real rivalry. We are very well matched. We don't bother with mouth guards or helmets or anything this time. It's probably going to just end with my tongue down her throat again, anyway. Maybe tomorrow we can start with weapons instead. Does she know how to use any weapons?

"I am not going to hold back on you today at all!" she proclaims. So cute.

"You've been holding back this whole time?" I whine. She _smirks_  at me. My heart clenches. She is perfect. We trade blows evenly. I get her by the neck, she throws me off. I roll out of it and speed back at her, using the momentum in my punch. My fist definitely collides with her ribcage but it's like she doesn't even notice it. Her shin hooks my neck and she pins me down with just her leg. Would she be able to take me down as Chat too? That's scary! I need to enroll in some sort of fighting school. I tap out and we stand back up.

 

Marinette immediately sweeps her leg at mine and I jump over it reflexively. Shit. I shouldn't do stuff like that. It's too catlike. _She is thinking the same thing._ I know it. Her hands even drop to her sides. I let my guard slip and she caught me. This is my fault.

"Chat Noir?" she looks really upset. She's the first person to ever ask if I'm him. Why does she look so upset about it?

"I've been sparring with him lately, too. Apparently you guys asked him to watch me. He's cool. I'm going to help him find Ladybug," I play it off. Hopefully this is a good enough excuse. Please fall for it, Marinette.

"You're not just fighting with me?" she pouts. Her lips are so cute. I want to eat them. Is she really jealous of Chat? That's just sparring. What about my Catwalks? Nino? That's even worse.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"You can tell me anything," her eyes sparkle and she nods her head enthusiastically. But she still looks a little disturbed. What is that? What do I even say now? Alright. Take it slow. I can do this.

"I know that this week we've kind of... started to be a _thing_. But I... kind of started a thing with Nino, too." Ugh. This sounds really, really bad. Is this how bad it really is and I'm only realizing hearing myself say it out loud?

 

"Nino?" Marinette looks really confused. Like, severely lost. She was totally in a different place from where I was. I have made a big miscalculation here. Had she thought that I was going to tell her I was Chat or something? But I've said this horrible other thing out loud now. I can't take it back.

"It's not kissing or anything," I say quickly, "But it's like... I can't ask you out without telling you about this. That wouldn't be fair."

"Ask me out?" she goes into full tomato mode. No, Marinette! I need you to be serious right now, don't get flustered!

"Nino... Nino and I are experimenting with BDSM together. It's not romantic, but I am in love with him. I just... want you to know that. I am falling really hard for you but I don't want to stop with Nino, either. That's why I've been leading you on," I guess it feels good to get it out in the open but it doesn't look like Marinette's handling it well. I shift my weight to my other food anxiously.

"W-what about Alya?"

"She says it's okay. I don't know why, but she did." Man. This is nerve-wracking. I am glad Plagg's not here to laugh at me.

"You're in love with Nino?" Oh no she looks even more upset than she did when she thought I was Chat Noir. 

"I am pretty sure that I am in love with you, too. Like, really," I swear, "I just don't think I want you to have to do the kind of things that Nino is. It's completely different."

 

Marinette sits down on the mat. She is thinking. I have totally broken her brain. I shouldn't have said anything at all. This is a mistake. I'd choose Nino because of how he made me feel last night. I think Marinette's amazing, but she wouldn't be able to do that. Her beautiful soft kisses, though. I wish this guilt would go away.

"You want to date me but do BDSM with Nino?" she finally speaks. That makes it sound like I am a horrible person. I am a horrible person. The worst.

"Um... yes? I guess. Nino is not a love thing or a sex thing. I don't want to manipulate you into something you don't want, Marinette. I know you have real feelings for me. If we keep kissing it's going to be something more soon, and I don't want you to feel like I've cheated on you." Hello. I am asshole of the year, aren't I? What a disaster, Adrien. If I never see Marinette again, I sure as hell deserve it. 

"Is there anyone else you're in love with?" she whispers. Oh my god. I have really broken her heart. This is the worst. The worst. How could I do something like that to the purest woman in the universe?

"I had a crush on Nathalie, and I am _really_  in love with Ladybug. I also really think Alya is pretty sometimes." This is probably too much honesty. Marinette lets out a very small, soft laugh. Maybe I'm saved.

"Ladybug, huh?"

"I-a million times over- have the hots for Ladybug," I nod my head seriously. I am not lying. I will pick Ladybug every time.

"What about Chat Noir?" she asks.

"I don't like Chat Noir like that," I know it isn't what she meant but I will take any opportunity that I can get to lighten the mood.

"He loves Ladybug," she shakes her head, not letting me have the joke.

"We have that in common. I might let him have her." What are these words that are coming out of my fucking mouth right now? This is it. The worst thing I've ever done in my whole life- jerk Marinette around like this. I'm so stupid. I should have never even let her kiss me. I shouldn't have kissed her, either. This is cruel.

"I'm sorry, Adrien. I have to think."

 

I go through two thousand suspects from my list. It's cathartic. The short list from that is 80 and then 40 and down to 8. Most of the people from my suspect list don't live in the city proper. I am fairly certain Ladybug's in one of the numbered arrondissements. She is always as quick to get on-scene as I am. I feel like maybe even arr. 18 or 19 would be stretching it. But this is just a hunch, so I mark all the women I've eliminated this way. I'll circle back around if I have to. I print out the list of 8 names to take to the detective. I probably won't do that today. There is no way she's had the time to get through the list I already gave her. I mark off the women who don't hide their locations online. Two. I can go find them myself. The first goes to Sorbonne too, which is easy. It will be cool if that's Ladybug. The other works at a pet groomer's. I really like the idea of that. I decide to do that first and I've got both recordings in a few hours without even transforming into Chat. I already know that neither of them are Ladybug. The student was too short and neither of them sounded like her. I load the voice files into the music program to compare anyway. I don't think about Marinette at all during this until I get a 'dude WTF' text from Alya. My heart sinks. Was I really holding out hope this whole time that Marinette would be just as cool with my weird shit as Alya was? I groan.

 

                                            <I can't not tell her, Alya.>

<you think im pretty?>

                                            <Only sometimes>

<careful, im the one with that pic of you>

                                            <Enjoying it??>

<already did😉😉😉>

<🐱 is a bad influence on you and I regret ever asking for his help>

                                            <This didn't happen b/c CN>

<im gonna show mari the pic ok?>

                                            <She might die!>

<is it ok tho?>   

                                            <yes>

<yuppppppppp she dead dead>

<👻>

                                            <I will pay her funeral expenses RIP>

<you cant, youre in jail for being a murderer>

<👮>

<murderrrerrrrrr>

 

"Adrien, will you join us for dinner tonight?" Nathalie interrupts me laughing to myself about Alya. I take a deep breath. I haven't eaten yet today because I scared Marinette off before she made breakfast. Wow I am really using her.

"I'll be down in a minute," I answer. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. I want to have dinner together. We haven't in years.  Chat Noir having dinner with Hawk Moth and Mayura. Hilarious. Like one of those dysfunctional family comedies. Oh. That's not a joke. That's exactly what this is. My dad is a monster and I'm just going to eat dinner like nothing's wrong with that? What am I holding on to him so hard? I should just move out and never see him again. I don't want that. I want a family. I really hope that he isn't evil now. That's what I want.

"Dad," I mutter, back to my teenager act.

"Where is your superhero friend?" he asks.

"Probably snooping around in your stuff right now."

"If he is here, he is welcome to come and eat, too," Dad says to me. That's... I'm glad?

"He's not my boyfriend, Dad," I say. I see Nathalie nearly spit out her wine. He nods his head like he doesn't believe me. That's fine.

"We haven't eaten a meal together since I was 13," I go for my own glass of wine. Dad looks like he actually feels bad about that fact but it doesn't change that he's neglected me for 9 years, does it? I don't know.

"So were you busy with being Hawk Moth all of that time?"

"Adrien..."

"If you really cared about being a family again, you should have made this one work," I gesture at the three of us with my finger.

"I can't go back in time to change it. I hope that we can make up for lost time," Dad says softly.

"So you just want to start over now? I take a bite of steak because I am prepping to storm away angrily, but I also don't want to starve. I should take the plate with me when I go. The wine, too.

 

"That is correct. Nathalie and I intend to become engaged and this could be a good new start for the three of us." Engaged. They're getting married. Cool. Fine. Whatever.

"You realize that I am an adult. It doesn't matter now," I frown.

"It does matter. I regret the past but I do not wish to regret the future as well," Dad says. Wow. That was pretty good. Why didn't I pick up any of those debate skills like that from him? Oh right. Because he never spoke to me. Why aren't I getting up and storming off?

"Dad... I spent a lot of time being completely terrified of Hawk Moth. I guess I kind of want to be a family too, but I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get over that. You hurt so many people. Most of my classmates from high school are still in therapy. Do you know that? It was _you_."

"I was wrong," he breathes.

"No matter how hard you try and make things right now, I'm still going to think of you that way. Forever. Both of you. Chat Noir is here every night because I am scared. I might get over it eventually, but I'm never going to forget." Dang. That was good. Maybe I did get some skills. Probably from Ladybug. Dad and Nathalie look at each other briefly.

"Adrien, that wasn't really us," Nathalie lies at me. I swallow. I hate her so much.

"Don't lie. I asked Chat if something made you evil and he said no. You guys were totally prepared to kill some teenagers to bring Mom back. Children. If you hadn't been stopped I don't know if I could ever even consider forgiving you like this," I take my knife and fork in one hand with my plate and pick up the wine glass in the other. Peace out.

 

That night I accidentally save two people who had been locked out on the roof of a department store for days. I didn't even see them, I just tripped over them. It was really lucky for them. They were dehydrated, sunburnt, and exhausted. Maybe by morning they would not have still been alive. At least that's what the hospital people told me. Someone had locked them up there on purpose. That's horrible. Maybe I am not the worst person in the world. I am glad I could save them. But it was just lucky. Maybe I should start carrying a flashlight or something too? Maybe I should figure out who would want to kill them? A police officer frowns at me and says that's not my job. I'm a superhero, how is that not my job? I offer to help them out and they decline.

"Aren't you just looking for Ladybug? Shouldn't you just focus on that?" That line really bothers me. I think over it all night. Well. That and the fact that I have really fucked up my friend Marinette. She is probably miserable right now, and that's all on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn I hope them emojis showed up cause I am feelin it


	9. Days 9 & 10- Lifting

I should take Marinette breakfast today. She probably doesn't want to see me, she might not be ready. I could have Chat Noir deliver breakfast on my behalf since apparently I am such good friends with him now. But I shouldn't mess with my real life too much as Chat, that's my rule. And I'm sure I would try to talk to her about me. I don't want to trick her even more. I don't think I can stand not seeing her today, though. My head is filled with her. I tell Plagg that I am in love with her and he laughs at me. Yeah. Way to be super supportive, tiny cat-man. I want to see Marinette. I want to see her just as much as I want to see Ladybug. I only have one person that will berate me appropriately. I should go see Chloe. Shit, maybe I can fall in love with her too while I'm at it. There are no downsides about visiting Chloe as the cat, though. She won't want to talk to him about Adrien. That's maybe the level of removal from the situation that I need. Hell, maybe Chloe can even help me with Ladybug. She's a big fan too. I send a text over to Marinette saying that I understand if she isn't coming today in the hopes that she will let me know if she for some reason is. I really don't want her left alone here again with my parents. My parents? They're my parents now? I'm thinking of them like that? This is fucked up.

 

I enter the hotel through the front door, it feels like something Chat Noir doesn't really do that often. I should just go in places normally, there's nothing stopping me. There doesn't have to be a dramatic window entrance every time. I even tell the front desk I'm there for Chloe and will show myself up. I was about to have an awkward elevator ride with a foreigner but I take a funny selfie with them on my phone despite the language barrier and post it up. They're able to find the post on their feed. We fist bump. Bless phones. I have to knock a couple times on Chloe's door before she bothers to answer.

"Blackie!" She is pleased to see me and gives me a hug.

"Hey there Queenie," already this is the most normal I've felt as Chat Noir in a week. I follow her in to the suite and curl up on one of the chaise cushions.

"I can't believe you haven't been here yet!" She whines like she's hurt by it, "Let's do a picture."

"Of course," I immediately agree and our selfies devolve into weird meme poses and we even record dancing for TikTok. It's fun. Chloe is a little shallow but it's still certainly a good time. It's still stuff that matters to her. Matters to a bunch of people. We feast on a crazy spread that room service brings in and drink mimosas while scrolling through our phones. I could have probably just come over as Adrien and it would have been exactly the same. But I am not here as Adrien.

 

"Queenie, I really need to find LB," I flop onto the floor and roll into a comfortable, weird position. I don't think I've ever been a drunk cat before. "Help me find LB."

"I can't, she took all my powers away," the blonde is trying to decide what outfit to wear for the rest of the day. I sit up.

"So if you had your Miraculous you could help me? I know where they came from," I say. There's no way Master Fu would give me Bee, right? He'd probably even take mine if I went over there. I don't want to steal it. But it's a thought. There at least would be no harm in asking for it, right? Besides that I might lose mine. I won't ask if Chloe is done with being the Bee or not. I won't ask if she misses Pollen or not.

"What do you need to find Ladybug for, anyway?"

"I love her."

"She doesn't belong to you. If she doesn't want you to know who she is, then you don't need to know," Chloe is changing her clothes in front of me. I look because she is doing this because she wants me to look. She's my childhood friend and it doesn't do a lot for me. 

"I don't like being a stray."

"Find a new owner, sweetums!" She is so blase about this. Chloe is completely unmoved by the magnitude of my feelings for Lady. Is she offering to be my new owner, is this what all this skin is about?

"Actually I did, but it isn't the same," I say with ambiguity. I don't really know if I'm thinking of Nino as my owner now or not. Chloe doesn't even respond to me. I roll around lazily on her floor some more.

 

"Hey I almost forgot, but that Adrien Agreste kid is my good friend. I don't think you should have told him his dad was HM." She is pouring more mimosas. God Chloe your life is relaxing. 

"It's okay. I'm taking care of them. He's gonna help me find my lady," I close my eyes. I could fall asleep here.

"Why would Adrien want to do that? To get revenge for his dad or to thank her? Maybe he thinks you're hot."

"Why do people keep thinking that we're fucking?" I am so over this. It's not funny anymore, not that it ever was.

"I don't know what Adrikin's type is but he's lonely and now so are you."

"You think I'm into men?" I sit up. I knew Chloe knew about me. She even picked it up in Chat Noir? That's incredible. I must be way more gay than I think that I am. She makes a face, squeezing her lips together in a tight pucker. 

"You don't seem like you have any standards," she finally says. Whoa. Chloe hands me a mimosa. Am I supposed to take offense to that or what? What's wrong with not having any standards? What's wrong with just the feeling of being in love? I like being in love.

"Isn't Adrien ranked the seventh hottest man in the country or something? How do I not have standards?" I do feel offended. Really offended! I sit back on my heels so I can drink properly.

"See, that's why people keep thinking you're fucking," she giggles. I let it go. I should have really just come as Adrien. 

"Do you love anybody, my queen?" I ask her. I am genuinely interested now that I think she might like me- me, Chat Noir me, not just Adrien me. She hesitates and then proceeds to tell me about some guy from some boy band and I get surprisingly into it. It's a lot like how I feel about Ladybug. 

 

Nino texts me to come over to their apartment and despite being rather drunk for this early in the day I excuse myself from Chloe and make my way over to his place as Adrien. I buy some (a lot of) cheese and wines and bread on the way. I drop Plagg into the paper bag so that he can help himself to what he wants of the cheese. He's been a very good sport this week. I retrieve a very plump kwami when Nino buzzes me into their building.

"Are you okay?" is what Nino says.

"I had brunch with some fashion people. I'm a little drunk," it's not totally a lie. I can't lie to Nino, "I brought wine!"

"You are the besssssst," Alya happily takes the whole bag from me. Glad I got Plagg earlier.

"How about a lot drunk?" Nino is frowning.

"I didn't think I was going anywhere. I was having fun."

"Don't be so judgy, babe," Alya is defending me, working some sort of magic on my grocery offering.

"You are definitely pretty, Alya," I nod at her. Nino is super right. I am super drunk.

"You got it!" She laughs at me, slicing the loaf of bread. I sit on one of the stools at their small island.

"So what's going on?" I ask innocently.

"Nothing. Just wanted to hang out. Nino and I are both free for the rest of the day, anyway."

"Oh, it's your turn to babysit me," I point at her. She shrugs.

"There's not a schedule like that, Adrien," Nino still seems unhappy. Alya opens the wine, chewing obnoxiously on a piece of bread as she does so.

"I don't mind if there is. I just already feel much better. You guys don't have to worry as much," I lean into my hand as Alya pours,"I hadn't been in a mental place that bad since before I met you guys. It's over now."

"Well, that makes me feel better," Alya nods her head, setting out the bread slices and cheese. I honestly don't feel very hungry due to Chloe's smorgasboard. I can tell that unlike Alya, Nino is not convinced by me at all. I did have some sort of breakdown on him when he spanked me, so I can't really blame him I guess. 

 

"Did you see all the pics Chloe posted this morning with Chat Noir? I can't believe he can stand her," Alya immediately moves into gossip mode, clinking her wine glass against mine and Nino's.

"Chloe's not so bad," I have what is basically a sworn duty to defend her at any and all costs. She's a bitch but I love her.

"She's the only hero everyone knows the identity of. He was probably there to ask her about Ladybug," Nino says.

"That makes sense, but maybe he was just lonely. Chloe's fun. I see how they'd get along," I make a show of pulling out my phone to go check the pictures. A lot of people were just as dumbfounded as Alya, but the majority had started to come to the same conclusion that NIno had. I click on Chloe's #QueenieBlackie hashtag and there are actually a few other shots of Queen Bee and Chat Noir together. I didn't realize. I remember the silly face selfie from two years ago. We are friends in and out of costume. Her hashtag with me as Adrien is #parispowercouple and it's years running.

"Chloe is anything but fun," Alya whined. She and Nino went back and forth on it briefly. I double down on defending my blonde bitch, inspired a lot by our intangible internet proof of closeness and hashtags. The three of us have a good time chatting about nonsense until the day fades away.

 

"So what are you going to do about Marinette?" Alya drapes her arm over my shoulders. I like the touch a lot. I am so drunk. This was the first question that I expected, not the last one. Why did it take so long to start talking about Marinette? I am not capable of answering her now. Marinette, though!! Marinette!

"Oh my god, Alya. She's so amazing. Why didn't know how amazing she is?" the praise comes tumbling out of me, I can't help it. I want to even say more!

"You definitely knew," Alya scolds. I laugh. I lean over at Nino and point my stupid finger at his gorgeous face.

"She is even better than Nino at fighting. She's so good at kung fu!"

"I never claimed to be good at fighting," Nino shakes his head. He's glad to be praised, though.

"Alya. Alya, listen to me. Nino is really good at fighting."

"I know," her eyes sparkle proudly. I nod my head with enthusiasm. She knows Nino's goodness! She is a good girlfriend. She knows all about it, about his hidden fighting talent!

"Alya is a pretty good fighter too because of her sister," Nino sighs. Oh man. I was right! All of my friends _are_ secretly black belts!

"I think! I think Marinette could beat all three of us! I wanna take classes where she did."

"Must have been when she was a kid, I don't remember her ever saying anything," Alya. Girl. If there is a place that can make children into fearsome opponents for the rest of their lives, sign me up to go there tomorrow.

"Mari says she thinks that you're Chat Noir," Alya ruffles my hair. I automatically lean into her hand. I can't help it. So Marinette was really serious about that, huh? I am going to have to lie to beautiful sweet awesome Marinette so much. So, so much. Alya's hand feels so good.

"Alya!" I jerk up, remembering, "You showed her that _picture_!"

"You did what?" Nino is asking, over Alya's laughter. He's pretty appalled. 

"You should have seen her face!" Alya is probably dying. I am dying imagining it. The apartment is full of laughter. Alya pulls the photo up on her phone to show it to me even though I've already seen. My face is red and wet. The scarf in my hands and my tattoo and my flushed body. There was no way Marinette could handle seeing this. There is no person in Paris that could handle seeing this picture. It's undeniably erotic. Absolutely explicit.

"I'm really hot," I laugh.

"You're a fucking _supermodel_ and you're just now figuring that out?" Alya slaps me.

 

Despite how drunk I am, I can't fall asleep. It's not that Nino and Alya's couch isn't comfortable and I haven't slept on it a million times before, I just feel restless. I clean up for them a little and read a part of one of Alya's books. I'm just not tired. I mumble quietly for Plagg and surprisingly he isn't asleep either.

"I feel anxious about something," I whisper. Plagg rubs his eyes.

"I don't know, Adrien. Do you want to go run around?"

"I've had a lot to drink today," I shake my head. Plagg curls up on my shoulder against my neck.

"Is it because Marinette thinks you're Chat Noir?"

"I wasn't thinking about that at all." But now I am. Thanks a lot, Plagg.

"Maybe you should think about it, she even said something to Alya and Nino. If your friends really get serious about it, we can get in trouble." What do I do? Hire someone to pretend to be Chat Noir while I'm with Marinette? That's dumb. There's no way I could get away with that. Whoever I hired would figure it out right away. I could try Photoshop. Yes. Great. Now I have to learn Photoshop. I'm not sleeping anyway. I open my phone and start researching how to fake images. At least I can use all this social media stuff to my advantage. I should probably set up a whole different phone for Chat Noir, but I don't want to carry phones around. Who does that? Someone suspicious. That's who.

"You can also ask Marinette to keep it a secret," Plagg suddenly speaking startles me out of my brainstorming. That and it's crazy. Ladybug said no.

"That would put her in danger. Especially around my house."

"If she's going to be your girlfriend, she's in danger anyway. It will be hard to hide it from her forever," Plagg points out. He is right. I don't know if I could lie to my girlfriend but Marinette's not my girlfriend. At least not right now.

 

I read image manipulation tutorials until about four in the morning before getting a taxi to go home. I shower and text Marinette with an offer to treat her to breakfast at a cafe by her house. She doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to. So I get to work on my Photoshopping, snapping some pictures of myself as Adrien with a tripod and then changing into Chat for some selfie poses. If I post pictures like this of us in my room there are definitely going to be more people assuming that I'm dating myself. Too late for something like that, I guess. But I try to pick the most innocent photos that I can to mash together.  Adrien Agreste probably doesn not need to be outed by Chat Noir. That sounds like a huge pain. I print out the final draft and take a picture of the printout with my phone. Good enough. At least nobody will be able to put the raw file through an analyzer to see if it's shopped. I still apply a filter when I post it up on Chat Noir's account anyway. <<Rise and shine! #AdrienAgreste #Igothisautograph #alarmclock #brosbeforehos>> It looks perfectly normal and at home in Chat's feed of selfies with the random people of Paris and the rooftop views. Maybe people won't think anything of it. Shit, I should have made one of these pictures to post as Adrien, too. Oh well. Next time. Instead, I head over to the cafe where I said I'd meet Marinette. I am not going to stand her up even if she decides to stand me up.

 

I fully expect her to not show, so I order some coffee and yogurt. I'm logging the calories (and the calories from all that feasting yesterday) when Marinette sits down at the table. I didn't notice her approach at all.

"Hello beautiful," I say. Does that sound creepy? What that okay for me to say? Marinette's face flushes a little bit. I'm not going to worry about it, then.

"Good morning. You were with Chat Noir?" she asks.

"I actually spent the night at Nino's," I'm just going to avoid straight up lying if I can. Going to use misdirection and distraction instead. "Sorry that Alya showed you that picture of me. It's really embarrassing." She goes completely red this time. That's better. Back to normal. She orders a chai latte and a muffin for breakfast.

"That's what I'm like, Marinette. I want to be messed up," I continue once I'm sure nobody can overhear again.

"Why?" her voice is so soft. It sounds so nice. Shit I have really fallen hard.

"Because the pain feels right."

"Adrien..." she sounds concerned. That's not what I meant to happen.

"I want to give myself up to someone else because I hate Adrien Agreste." Did I just say that? Is that what I think? I should go Cataclysm myself after all. Marinette takes her time finding a response. I don't blame her. I've shocked myself a little.

"I love Adrien Agreste," she says. My heart completely stops. Oh. I'm staring. Stop staring. Oh. Wow. Stop staring. Hearing her say it out loud is really something else entirely from just knowing it already.

 

"I... I'm really sorry I'm putting you in a situation like this." I am still a little too shaken to come up with anything romantic to say. I just _want_  her but that's not something I can allow myself to say out loud. Both out of common decency and the certainty that I just wouldn't be able to say it.

"It makes sense with what you've been through lately that you would change your outlook or look for something that makes you feel better."

"You think that I'm acting out, right? Maybe I am? My whole life feels like it was a lie. Everything was pointless. I was abandoned by everyone except for my friends. I can't lose any of you. I need this," I didn't want to make her the one who had to save me, but here I am demanding it from her anyway. I can't help it. Ladybug doesn't want me so I need to fill that gap. I need someone to direct all of this emotion at, and Marinette has always allowed me to be honest and real. And unlike Nino, she is free to accept all of my feelings.

"I don't really understand, but... but I want to be here for you. I w-want to be your boyfriend. Girlfriend. I mean I want to be my boyfriend. I mean um... I want to go out with you," she looks down at her lap. She's so funny but I don't laugh at her. She gets so mixed up when she is nervous, but I've always really liked that. Especially when I know it's because of me. Okay. If I ever find Ladybug, I'll reevaluate everything then.

"Marinette. I will absolutely be your boyfriend." Marinette's smile is like I've made all of her dreams come true. It might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my whole life. 

 

No matter how much I want to kiss her and touch her, I don't get to. Marinette has to go to her fabric internship and classes. I won't be able to see her again until tomorrow, because she even has plans for tonight already with a club meeting. This might be torture. I can't believe it, though. I'm dating Marinette. Marinette! She's such a good person. I definitely do not deserve it.

"What about your Lady?" Plagg's voice escapes from my sports jacket.

"We'll see how I feel about it when I find her. But I have to find her. I have to know if she wants me," I mumble. I don't want to look too much like I'm talking to myself. I already have a little bit of a reputation for it. I finish my coffee and walk around aimlessly for a while. Not sleeping is really starting to get to me. I don't want to go home. I record the voices of people that I pass on the street. I don't know why. Even if I did match it up with Ladybug's voice, I then wouldn't know who the person was. When I do go home I listen to the recordings anyway. Then I watch old videos of Ladybug and Chat Noir on the internet. We were so little back in the beginning. We were so awkward. I fall asleep at my desk. I dream that I am an airplane going to meet Ladybug. The world is really pretty from up high. My Paris is so beautiful. When I wake up the first thing I think about is Nino. Wonderful Nino. 

 

                                        19:23

                                        <Do we schedule cat walks or is it just on a whenever basis?>

 

I have a full dinner with my parents in complete silence and I help out with an entire car accident fiasco as Chat Noir.

 

22:55

<Sorry. Clubbing RN. Tmrw?>

                                        <Yes. Where/when>

<Your house>

<TBD>

 

At least I don't have to worry about him coming over in the morning. That's Marinette time. Am I really now the kind of guy who balances two relationships? I'm not that kind of guy. But I'm doing it. The car accident stuff is on the news and they talk about how I saved those roof people too. Speculation that it's not so bad I stuck around and that I seem to mean well. I do! I am doing my best! Why is this even a point of debate? Can I really not be trusted without Ladybug with me? I know my power is just destroying things but that doesn't mean that I can't use it for good. I haven't used Cataclysm in a long time. I look at my bare hand. It seems so soft and fragile without the suit. Like how Ladybug looked to me in that crypt. Right. My parents. I shuffle out of my room and go to my dad's. He's asleep. I watch him from the door for a while- like he might be faking it and at any moment he can attack.


	10. Day 11- Two Enchantments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is illicit. Just so you know that there is nothing wholesome here whatsoever.

She is sitting on my couch, her legs wrapped lightly around my torso. I'm kneeling on the floor, my face pressed into her neck. She smells wonderful. I am euphoric. I look up at her again hopefully and she immediately indulges my unspoken request for another kiss. Thank you. I slide the top of my tongue against the roof of her mouth but it's kind of hard to reach. I step up, leaning into her. Marinette falls back against the cushions with me easily as I deepen the kiss. Her hands are still cupping my jaw. Our tongues dance cautiously- happily with each other. I run my hands along her sides and that gets me zero response so I gently caress a breast. There is a tiny noise in her throat but our kiss does not change. This is okay? Really? I kiss does her chin and lick at her neck as I slide my hands up her shirt. Marinette had the decency to think that we were going to work out together again today, so it was just an Ellesse tank hanging loosely off of her. Over a pink sports bra, I learn. So cute. She is so stylish. I lower myself back to the ground to kiss her stomach as I pull the tank over her head and discard it. Why isn't she stopping me? We've only been dating for like two minutes. I'm thankful, but still. She smells amazing. Her skin is so soft. I can see her muscles twitch at my touch. I dip my tongue into her navel and drag it up her chest.

 

"Marinette," I murmur against her, the tip of my nose pressed against where her bra elastic falls away to bare skin. She buries her fingers into my hair in response. I love that. I love it so much. I lick and kiss at the fabric, taking my time. We have forever. I could do this forever. Her chest lifts as she draws in air and I push back at her with my face. I want her so much. I rub my hand across her breast and squeeze. She moves her hands to my neck and my shoulders. Please don't let go of me. I finally pull the sports bra up over her head too and lean back into her chest gladly. She is completely weak under my tongue, letting out a soft whimper as I close my lips on her nipple. I suck gently, coaxing a gasp out of her. Oh my god. That got me deep inside somewhere. I stretch my neck to kiss her again, my hands at her breast.

"Adrien..."

"Is this okay?" I pant.

"I love you," she nods her head. Holy shit, Marinette. My heart is so full right now. I kiss her again, deeply. She's amazing. I can't believe this. I run my hands down her sides and hook my fingers inside of her waistband, pulling her bottoms down. I have to move back to get them completely off. She's got nothing on now. That's not really fair. I pull off my grey polo- immediately going back to dabbling light kisses at her knee and working my way up her beautiful thigh. This is the best thing that has ever happened in my whole life.

 

Marinette's breath catches when I touch her. Woah. Wow wow wow. She's so warm. So wet. Is this really happening? She is making some more noise now, but it's quiet and sweet. It's so cute. My heart is pounding in my ears. I carefully rub my fingers against her. I'm not totally sure what I'm doing. Every time I've slept with women in the past it's not been in situations where I wanted to touch them.

"No one will hear you," I say, licking small circles on her hip. This doesn't make her louder, but her lips part. Her face is a nice pink. My heart absolutely clenches. She's beautiful. I run my tongue up to her breast and her hands run through my hair again. I hum softly in response so that she knows I like it. Marinette kisses the top of my head. I slide down to replace my fingers with my mouth. She whimpers immediately. It's nice. I can do this forever. I still have no idea what I'm doing but it sounds like Marinette likes it anyway. Her light whimpers turn into moans as I knead my tongue against her. I reach up with one hand to squish my fingers against a boob and use the other to enter her with a finger. There's a small cry as her body twitches under me. I keep up the licking, pressing my finger against her insides.

"Ad... rien..." she pleads at me. Holy shit. I want to make her cum. I slide another finger into her and use my thumb to help my mouth. Her fingertips press into my bare shoulders. This is incredible. It might be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Or to her. To us. Her whole everything writhes against me suddenly and I stop. Her grip on me relaxes a little. Marinette's breathing is heavy and I watch her chest rise and fall with it. I kiss her stomach softly. Do I stop here? Are we done? Is it okay not to be done? I want her just as much as I did a second ago and ten seconds ago and an hour ago and a day ago. Maybe no matter what we do I won't stop wanting her this much.

 

"Condom," Marinette whispers at me, both bashful and eager. **_Yes!_** I comply immediately. I had one in my pocket because I wanted this to happen. I am really not innocent in this at all. I don't feel guilty about it, instead I am just happy. I feel like the happiness is going to take me away. I step out of my slacks and underwear and roll it on. I lean over to kiss her forehead, rubbing my thumbs across her cheeks.

"Marinette," I whisper shakily. I love her so much. I really do.

"Adrien," her smile is absolutely precious. I can see how much she loves me back in her eyes. I do not think that it is physically possible to feel more desire than I do right now. I lift one of her legs, sliding my knee under it to support myself. I kiss her jaw and her neck and the depression where her neck meets her sternum and she moans with want. It's one million times better than music. I push my dick into her slowly. I do at least think I have an idea of what I'm doing with this part. Marinette gasps at it and I take her head in my hands, cooing at her reassuringly. After a few seconds she nods her head and I move my hips minisculely. The noise that she makes is better than the moan from before. Marinette. Oh, Marinette. I thrust into her with smooth, even, controlled movements. Keep it together. That's all I can do. Control yourself. Her voice flows through me. So good. So, so good. She clings desperately to my arms. I totally can not keep it together. I grip blindly at her hair, my pace getting away from me. Her lovely cries egg me on.

"Marin..." I gasp at her desperately. She kisses me. Shit, shit shit shit. I let out a... mew... as I climax. I nestle into her neck. My heart is racing, I can feel it beating behind my eyes and in my ears. She kisses my forehead and runs her hands behind my head lightly, her fingers barely in my hair. Heaven. I have never felt like this.

 

"Do you really have to go," I cling at her waist. She giggles quietly and removes my hands.

"You're like a puppy," she pats my cheek before bending back over to pull on her shoes. A puppy? Not a cat? I feel a little weird about that.

"Can you come back after your internship?" I ask hopefully.

"We should probably go slow. I shouldn't start spending the night all the time right away," she laughs. I am glad that she is happy too. I am.

"We are not going slow," I lean back. Marinette! _Marinette!_ Wants to stay over! She wants to stay over all the time! I can't believe there is anybody as perfect as this. I want her to stay. I never want her to leave me for even a second.

"We can be as star-crossed as you want but I still have a regular life," she grins. She is slightly embarrassed to say so, I can tell. I can just read her like a book sometimes. Either that or I've been projecting or making it up. Hoping too much. 

"My whole life is you, Marinette," it sounds pretty romantic I guess because she looks delighted. And now she doesn't.

"Me and Nino," she points out. I almost chuckle at it but that would be rude, especially considering what we've just done.

"And Nino. Mari to make me happy and Nino to make me hurt," I yawn. Right. Nino is supposed to come over later. I kiss Marinette goodbye and I walk with her a block or two down the street just to make sure that my dad can't get to her. I stand there on the corner for a while. Dazed. Marinette has clouded my whole brain. An unease comes over me at this.

"Plagg?" he's not with me. I walk home as fast as I can. 

 

Plagg is fine aside from being hungry. Right. He is literally just a black hole. But he doesn't tease me about my romancing with Marinette. Maybe he's not fine. Shouldn't he say something? Wouldn't he usually? I get him some wheels of cheese from the kitchen and after giving them to him I order more over the computer. I have my own specific cheese supplier now. They've never asked why I order so much camembert monthly, they are just grateful to do the business. Supposedly I order just as much cheese as one of the restaurants nearby. But Plagg isn't teasing me about sleeping with Marinette and that is really getting to me.

"Are you okay, dude?" I ask him quietly.

"Couldn't be better!" he reports before somehow downing a slice of camembert that is bigger than his head in one bite.

"You're not going to say anything about Marinette?" I mumble.

"No. Do whatever you need to do."

"So that was okay?" I ask.

"Do you think that it isn't?" Well. Alright. No, I don't think it's wrong at all. It was the best. Literally the best. I can't wait to tell Nino. I have some of the cheese, too. I am glad that Plagg is here. I felt like I had lost him there for a few minutes.

 

I post up a selfie of Chat Noir alone, up on the Eiffel because the view is beautiful today. It's cloudy, but where the sun shines through to light up the buildings... it's lovely! I deliver my list of six to the detective and retrieve the information on the last batch. She's eliminated people too, which is good. There are only five left from the original batch and I have three of the voices on tape in the next two hours. I am getting really good at that but I already know that none of them are Ladybug, even the one person who seemed the most likely. I don't run the audio program when I get home. It's not worth it. This is really discouraging. What if I never find her? What if I keep searching and she's left Paris or something else has happened to her? When do I give up hope? I never want to give up hope. I am not going to give up on Ladybug. I take a shower and watch the news, snacking on a random assortment of nuts and crackers, cheese, jam, and meat that the chef brings up. I don't open the wine, I feel like Nino really doesn't like me as much when I am drunk. The news is full of things that I don't think that I can help with.

 

"Nino!" I meet him at the door. I am not letting _anyone_  get caught up by my _parents_. I might let them get Chat, though. I might do that tomorrow. Just to test them. I'm confident that without their Miraculouses I could beat them if anything were to happen. But right now Nino is here. 

"How are you today?" he asks me. I grin. So good.

"I am really great. I'm so glad you're here."

"Do you still want to do this today?" is the question. Yes, Nino!

"Absolutely. If you still do." Maybe I should be asking him if it is okay that I'm dating Marinette? I don't even know if he is thinking of me as his in this or if he is just doing it to help me. I should be able to date Marinette, though. Right? Since he has Alya and he likes Marinette and he seemed okay with it the other day. I just don't want to say all that stuff that makes me sound like an asshole again. I am sorry, Nino.

"I do want to. I have no idea why I like this, bro. It's weirding me out. I started researching a bunch, too. I don't really know what you think, though," he's looking down at the ground.

"I've been thinking a lot about it too. I want to place myself completely into your hands. I don't want to have to be me, I want pain to erase all of it. That's all I'm thinking. I trust you completely with me." Does that mean I don't trust Marinette? It doesn't. I just want something different from her.

"You do?" he seems really surprised. Why is he surprised? I let him spank me! I wanted him to spank me. I want him to spank me now.

"What do you want to do with me?" I'm excited about it. 

 

    I take off my shirt and hang it on one of the foosball table handles. Nino leans over my shoulder to fasten the cat collar on me. I guess we are doing that to start these sessions. I like it. It's not Chat Noir's collar anymore, it's not a joke. This is Adrien's.

"You won't be able to see, kitty," Nino slides a facemask around my head too, "So stay right here."

"Yes, daddy." I don't recognize my voice anymore. It's so dark, the mask is tight. I didn't really think through this whole blindfold thing. I can't see Nino. I can't see anything. I don't really hear anything either, just my own breathing. I am just standing somewhere in my room in complete darkness. All alone. I don't think that I like this anymore, but it's not anything I'm willing to stop over. I wait for Nino to come back to start hurting me. Where is he? I don't hear him. More seconds pass and I like it less and less. My breathing picks up.

"Daddy? Don't leave me by myself," I need Nino to save me now, "I don't like it."

"I'm here," Nino's voice. He's actually pretty close. Good. He didn't abandon me. I reach an arm out to the direction his voice had come from. Nino slaps my arm down. What? I don't know what this is supposed to be. He's not hurting me and he won't let me touch him and nothing is happening. I feel like I am getting dizzy from not being able to see, my legs are jelly. I don't know which way is up anymore.

"Daddy?" I whisper.

"I'm here." Stop saying that if you aren't here. I reach out for him again but don't get anything. Extending my arm like that throws me even more off balance. I take off the face mask because I feel like I'm going to fall. Nino is just sitting on my couch, watching me. At least he's really there. He stands up quickly.

"Why did you take it off?" he is taking it from my hands. Maybe he should have tied my hands again. There is a lump in my throat.

"I was going to fall over," I manage. I can't look at him. I feel really bad about ruining this, but it also feels like he rejected me first.

 

"I'm sorry, mon petit. Why don't you sit down?" Nino presses on my shoulders. I do sit on the floor, clinging to the bottom of Nino's jeans with a hand. I don't want him to go anywhere.

"Would you like me to put the blindfold back on?" he asks. I don't know. "Mon petit? ...Adrien?"

"Please don't leave me."

"Whoa. Hey, buddy. I wasn't going anywhere," he squats down. I ball my hands into his shirt.

"I don't want to be alone," I will not cry today. Not about this.

"I'm here, Adrien. I'm not leaving you alone. I'm sorry, making you wait was supposed to raise the anticipation," he apologizes. That makes sense. I should have thought of that instead of spiraling. Of course Nino wouldn't leave me. I trust him. He's the person that cares about me the most. I thought the same thing about how Ladybug felt about Chat Noir but she left him, too. I just have to trust Nino.

"I will just close my eyes instead. Is that okay?"

"Are you sure you want to keep going?" he asks. I nod. I wanted this a lot. He kisses my forehead. Nino! Kissed me! Me! "I'm sorry, Chaton."

"You should punish me for being a scaredy cat," I say. Chat Noir would definitely say something like that. I'd know best. 

"I'm going to stand up now. I'll just be a few seconds."

"I trust you," I mumble, closing my eyes. It really is only a few seconds until Nino rests his hand on my head. I'm so relieved.

 

    He runs his fingers all over me. Across my neck, down my arms. It sends shivers through me. He uses something a little rougher instead. What is it? It drags across my shoulder lazily, around my neck, down my chest. Across my nipple. I flinch. Is Nino really doing this? No wonder he doesn't want me to see. He brings it back across and I flinch again, drawing air through my teeth. Wait. Is this really happening? Nino is going to pinch my nipples? Never in my wildest dreams. He taps the object against my nipple a few times. It might be a clamp. Oh wow. Wow. I can't wait.

"Daddy..." I squirm in anticipation. That side must be hard because he drags the object across to my other nipple. I hold my breath. Nino circles it slowly. Then comes the slight pressure. It is a clamp or a clothespin or something. Oh my god. He lets it close very slowly. So slow. I grit my teeth, breathing quickly. I don't really know how much something like this is going to hurt. It hurts. It's not terrible and I try to focus on the pain.

"Is it too much, chouchoute?" Nino asks. I shake my head. I love it. I wish he could use his mouth but this is more than fine. He gets up again but leaves some fingers on my head as he moves around in front of me. He slaps me. I let out a quick cry of pain.

 

What? I squint at him just because I'm so surprised but I close my eyes again. He holds the back of his hand lightly against my cheek where he just struck me. I was so surprised because my eyes had been closed. The darkness is actually working on my side. It is better if I don't see him.

"Is that what you want?" Oh. I am super turned on now. There's a small, small tug at the nipple clamp.

"Daddy-" I plead at him. Yes. He slaps me again and my voice breaks. The sound of skin hitting skin is so loud. My free nipple is being rubbed. Is it his hand or another clip? Does it matter? My cock is throbbing, it doesn't care. Nino takes hold of my face with one hand, his finger tips pressing into my cheek and my chin. He tilts my head back like this. I feel dizzy again but it's okay. The other nipple clamp gets attached, but much faster than the first. I whimper violently, but it's hard to get the could out with my neck bent back like this. Wow Nino. This is amazing. Another one at my clavicle and the inside of my elbow. The little blooms of pain sprinkling across me and folding deep into me. Nino let's go of my face but hits me again. I unclench one my fists to reach up to my face. It's painful. He flicks at one of the clamps and I squirm. My dick can not take much more of this. Nino is a real magician.

"Chaton can you give me a cute pose?" He whispers into my ear. Nino stands, probably to get his phone. Oh I definitely can. I cup my erection with one hand and run my hand through my hair with the other, tensing so that the muscles will show on the image. I am a model, I know what I am doing. If Alya is going to be getting off to this I might as well give her something quality. I'm so glad I'm still in my slacks.  I don't think I want her to have nudes to someday blackmail me with. Nino seems satisfied with it because his hands are back on me.

 

He scrapes his nails across me, not actually scratching at all but the touch leaves me burning just the same. He takes off one of the nipple clamps and pushes his thumb against it. What kind of noise am I making? It takes everything I have not to pull away. It feels so much more sensitive now. So tender. Sore. Sore is the word. I whine loudly and the is another sharp smack across my face. Wow. More. It stings. _Please more_. Nino presses the back of his hand against my cheek again, softly. Whimpers are escaping with each of my breaths. My arousal aches. My nipples hurt. My face hurts. It all hurts. Good.

"Is everything alright?" Nino's voice is small. I swallow.

"Purr-fect," I manage to squeak out for him. He laughs. Thank you.

"Do you want me to keep going?" Is the next question. I nod my head quickly. This can't stop, I don't want it to stop. He pinches my nipple, twisting. I shudder. The unexpectedness of it that comes from not being able to see is worth it. I will let him do anything that he wants. My whole body is his. He pinches me with his fingers and the clips and he pretends to scratch me and I lose track. I can't think. Nino.

 

"Can you stand?" Nino has taken off all the clamps. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know why.

"You can open your eyes now, mon petit. Here, get off your knees," he helps pull my legs out from under me. They are totally asleep. How long has it been? There's a dull ache in me from my body's pain. I can't see any traces of it on me though. Oh. We must be done now? We are. He removes the collar from me and I feel empty about it. I take hold of his shirt. Don't stretch it out, Adrien.

"I'm not going anywhere," Nino locks his eyes with mine. Good. That's good. My legs start to tingle and I groan at it, doubling over into myself.

"Is it pins and needles?" Nino asks carefully. I make some sort of affirmative noise. He helps me massage it out. This is actually way more painful than everything else. I ride it out, there's not really a choice. Nino gets me to the couch somehow and I gladly melt down into it. I'm so tired. Nino is next to me.

"Do you want anything?" He mumbles. I don't think that I know how to speak yet so I just shake my head. Nino holds my hand.

 

"The blindfold was probably okay, I just felt like I was losing my balance standing up like that," I explain.

"And you didn't like me leaving you."

"I didn't. When you pushed my arm away, that was really bad."

"I'm so sorry."

"You wouldn't have known," I mumble, "I really don't want to be abandoned. Or rejected. Maybe if I could have seen you it would have been okay to leave me alone, but I thought that you left. And then I was dizzy..."

"I was here. I saw you panicking but I didn't know it was bad," Nino pets my shoulder. 

"That was the only thing, though. I loved everything else." I snuggle against him. I don't really know if that's okay or not but he lets me do it.

"I didn't think I was the kind of person that would like this so much," Nino says quietly. I am glad that he is. Really glad.

 

Nino stays with me for a long time. We talk or go through long stretches of comfortable silence. Trying to process by ourselves and then reconvening. We laugh at how my heart rate monitor picked up the cat walk. I have dinner brought to my room for us and we play video games after that. I stay really close to him but he doesn't say anything about it.

"You probably need to go home," I realize. He's been here for almost seven hours. It's getting late.

"If you don't want to be left alone, I'll stay. It's not a big deal." My heart swells, completely full. He is the epitome of best friend. He really is. I can't keep him here.

"What about Alya?" I ask.

"It's fine. We have her total approval. I'll just call her to let her know I'm staying," Nino shrugs. 

"What do are you going to tell her about today?" I ask. I want to know if he's sent the picture to her or not yet, too.

"Not a lot. Honestly I will probably tell her that I think you have serious trauma from parental neglect and we will just talk about that."

"That's why you thought I couldn't call you Daddy?" I chuckle. Nino nods his head simply. Maybe I should go to therapy after all. My friends think I'm traumatized and I definitely have abandonment issues now too. I shouldn't burden Nino and Marinette with this. It's not their responsibility to take care of me. Marinette.

"Nino... I think I'm dating Marinette now."

"Bro. I definitely know that already."

"That's okay?" I ask.

"I'm not looking to control you outside of the cat walks. If you like her, man, go for it."

"Thanks. Is it weird to tell you about it?"

"Nah. What we are doing is different, right?"

"Yeah."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plagg totally unconcerned. He knows who LB be.


	11. Day 12- Taking Care of Myself

Nino is on the other side of the bed when I wake up to my watch's vibration alarm. He really did stay. I'm so glad. I'm really careful not to disturb him as I get up. I shower. I just wear another polo with a blazer. I'm not planning on taking all of Marinette again today but I really don't want to be messing with a lot of buttons if I do. I pocket another condom too just in case. Plagg snickers at me and I roll my eyes back at him. I send Nino a text that I am meeting Marinette & I'm just outside but please don't leave my room by yourself. I ask him to let me know when he wakes up. I want to leave the door locked so I shuffle out of the window carefully and climb down on a ledge. This is such a pain in the ass without my super suit. I make it to the ground in one piece and turn to see my dad. What the fuck.

"D-dad?" I swallow.

"That's how you do it?" his arms are crossed over his chest and he looks at me over the rim of his glasses. I think he used to look down at me like this, but I am as tall as he is now. He's not really that scary. But he's Hawk Moth. So.

"What's it to you?" Good one, Adrien. Backtalk to your supervillain dad like you're five.

"I don't like you sneaking out."

"You have no right to supervise me." I am so mad!

"I am worried. I've only wanted to protect you, and if you're scaling buildings like this I can't do that."

"What are you protecting me from? Stalkers? Fans? The world? I am capable of taking care of myself. I've been sneaking out of this window since I was 15. I have to go meet my girlfriend. Don't go anywhere near my room." I hiss. I leave him. 

 

I catch Marinette with a kiss.

"Hello! Croissant delivery," she smiles at me. She's so beautiful.

"Hello _minette_. Thank you." Kitty. Cute, Adrien. Very cute, it even sounds like her name. She won't get the joke. She blushes, though. Still a win. "Are you good at climbing?"

"I'd like to think so," she is pumped up about it. She's worn workout clothes again today. A plain tshirt and sweatpants. We kind of match.

"My father is... I left Nino in my room by himself. We're going in through the window," I clarify. I don't want her thinking we're going rock climbing or something. Since she knows I'm into rock climbing. I can't read her face right now.

"You better not let me fall. You hold the croissants. There should be enough for Nino too." She passes me the bag. I direct her up the side of the house and I scramble up too. Nino's still asleep. We sit up in the loft and feed each other croissants until Nino texts me that he's awake. I throw the bag with the bread in it down at him. Marinette laughs.

"Good morning, Nino!" Marinette looks down at him.

"What time is it?"

"8:34."

"Can I use the shower?"

"Yeah. I'll find some clothes for you, too," I tell him. He yawns. I am going to dress him up real cool. Alya will appreciate it.

 

Marinette and I spar again today. I don't go easy on her this time and she doesn't with me. Our score at the end is 7-9 to me. I'm even extra careful not to do anything like Chat Noir would. I can see her watching for it to happen again. I don't know why she's looking for it, but I'm not going to indulge. She doesn't have to go work at her internship today, so we have the whole day ahead of us for the first time. I shower so fast and Plagg nestles in my blazer, making kissy faces at me. I take her home and get grilled by her parents while she changes clothes. We take the metro to Abbesses because I think it's exactly the kind of place Marinette will love. We watch the carousel and enjoy the assortment of market stalls there. We stroll into the park and take photos at the Love Wall. Marinette posts them online immediately. Okay. I guess we are Facebook official now. Dad is going to be so confused. The park is really nice, and the neighborhood is fun. We look at some boutiques and art galleries. We eat burgers and share fries. Flower shops. We hold hands. We kiss. It's fun and I can tell she loves it. We talk about everything and we even talk about nothing. She laughs at my very stupid jokes. I'm happy. I am so happy.

 

    These baddies are a super serious pain in the ass. Maybe I should not have gotten involved in this fight. They have guns and stuff. I honestly have no idea if this suit protects me from non-magical guns. If I live I'll ask Plagg later. I'm not going to worry about it too much right now. I barrel roll out of my hiding place and take a strong wipe with my staff near the ground, knocking over two of them. One of the guns goes off and I flinch. Yikes. No time. I extend the baton out at the remaining member and it collides squarely with their chest. Not bad. Now Ladybug can tie them up and we can scoot. Oh. It's just me, isn't it? I don't have rope or anything. How do I keep five criminals subdued by myself until the cops get here? They should be here already, actually. I did call. Another person appears from one of the warehouse cages I hadn't had time to think about. Yeah. This looks like the final boss. I should have called that. Why am I _so bad_  at being prepared? It's like literally everything surprises me. They don't have a gun, though. Just a knife. That's good. This will be a good fight. I slide the baton into the loop at my back and ball my hands into fists. Let's do this the long way.

 

"Look sharp, bro," I grin. There is nobody to appreciate my cute weapon reference because the baddie certainly doesn't. They lunch at me. I sidestep and grab their wrist.

"Now, Lady-" I freeze. Right. Shit. Okay. The criminal growls at me and we grapple. I am extra aware of this knife now. Maybe I'll get cut open. What happens then? Everyone's favorite neighborhood Chat Noir stabbed to death trying to stop a Gennevilliers crime ring? That's not the worst way to go out, I guess. Ouch. My arm stings. Well. Now I did actually get cut open. Cool. Focus, Adrien! I wrap my foot around the person's ankle to copy how Marinette had brought me to the ground the other day. It works. This person is way bigger than I thought that they were, there's a definite thud and the knife slides across the floor. I am not going to be heavy enough to pin them down. What do I do? They reach up and grab my throat with both hands. I bring my fists down in a couple of very successful hits and break away, hooking their arms in mine. Alright. Stuck now. I should have just hit them with my stick to begin with. I just had to want to fight them, didn't I? Probably need to get far enough away so that I can hit them with the stick. I don't know how that is possible. I really need to take some martial arts classes or something. Experience obviously only gets you so far. 

 

Knife Boss manages to free an arm from my grip and now I'm the one being pinned down, their elbow pressing into my neck. Can't breathe. Choking! This is bad. I only have seconds. Cataclysm? I can't do that! This is a person. I kick my legs uselessly and slide my hands under their arm to maybe get a little space to breathe. They grab my wrist with one hand to stop me but my other arm is enough to slip their elbow off of me momentarily. I punch their face and roll to my side to get my baton. They flail at my head too, the impacts knock stars into my vision. I manage to bring the side of my baton against their nose. I take the half second this buys me to lock my legs around theirs and push up so that I am on top again. Phew. I ignore the arms coming at me and bring the metal stick down on their face a few times. I extend it as I release the grip on them with my legs. Somersault in the air. And land. Nice. I'm not dead! That's a little bit of a shame, this was a good opponent. They stand too, not taking their eyes off me. I've given them a broken nose and a black eye. They still want to keep going? I realize that one of the other members has recovered by now, too. And they've got a gun. Shit. I really miss Ladybug.

 

I extend the baton back out into a staff and spin it in front of me like a shield. If it works against akumas, maybe it works against real bullets? If I'm using this as a shield, I can't use it as a weapon. Takes out my hands, too. Feet only. Ugh. I regret this whole thing so much. The gun unloads a few rounds at me and I'm not dead. Wow. I run at the boss, jumping to land a kick at their head and then I am on the ground. They had grabbed my leg and tossed me. Just tossed me. I did not see that coming. There is no time to think about any of this! I'm spinning my staff just in time for some bullets to ricochet off of it. I dash behind the nearest pillar I can find. It looks bulletproof enough. This is really not going well. They _both_  have guns now. I am definitely dead, here. I need to get a gun, too. Adrien, you don't know how to use one even if you did manage to grab one from the floor. Damnit. What am I going to do? Two people is really all it takes to defeat a superhero? Focus. What can I do? If I Cataclysm this pillar the roof would probably fall in. But again, these people would die. There's no Miracle Cure coming once this is over. I wish I had even an ounce of the creativity that Ladybug does. There's nothing on the ceiling that I can climb around on. I am just going to have to go back out with kicks. I go for the little one first this time. They are shooting at me, I think I get hit but I can't think about that. My kick definitely breaks ribs and they double over. I take the gun from them and point it at the boss. We stare at each other. Which one of us is going to shoot first? I don't think I can do it. The police burst in. About time! I do the same as the boss does, slowly put the gun and my baton on the ground and hold my hands above my head. THe boss and I are still staring at each other until the police handcuff them and take them away. I give my statements, decline medical attention, and peach out through the window.

 

I'm on the roof of the Grande Arche de la Defense, dangling my legs off the side. I really have no fear of heights left in me at all, do I? This is what? How tall? Tall. It was actually really hard to get up here. I am acutely aware of just how much my body hurts because of that.

"Claws in."

"That was a close one!" Plagg seems cheerful enough. I pull up at the leg of my slacks to see my shin. A deep green bruise is visible even up here in the dark. I think this is where I got shot. I shine my phone's flashlight at it briefly, and then I slide my arm out of my blazer to check the cut there with the flashlight too. It has already stopped bleeding.

"Why did I get stabbed but not shot?" I complain. Ladybug's Cure would have put me back to normal right away.

"Probably some complicated science reason. Or a complicated magic reason." That is the opposite of helpful, Plagg. I need to know exactly just how bulletproof I am. I'm sure my face doesn't look good with how many hits I took, either. 

"What am I going to use as an excuse?" I sigh. 

"You can get into a fight as Adrien." That's actually pretty good. I don't know who I'd fight, though. I rub at my neck, which also really hurts. I can't believe that Knife Boss tried to choke me out twice. Do I like any of this pain, though? It seems a little too real. Well, because it is. 

"I really needed Ladybug out there, Plagg."

"You're just unprepared for fighting solo. You'll get used to it." I don't want to get used to it. I _miss_  her. It's lonely up here by myself. Really lonely. I look out down the avenue. The street carves into Paris, completely straight down through from here to the Triomphe to the obelisk at Concorde. I can't even see that far from here. And to my right I can see the Eiffel, sparkling gold and completely indifferent to the lives of everyone else and how isolated I feel. I take some photos, because the city is still beautiful. I love Paris. I pick a really good one of the view down the avenue to the arc to post and I start typing.

 

<<Everything that I do, I keep expecting you to be there and it is really hard not being at your side. I feel like I am missing part of my soul and my purpose. How could you leave your cat without a home? You're my home. My owner. I am so lost out here. Did you know how hard I am looking for you? Are you looking for me, too? Will you ever look for me? Why don't you want me anymore? You don't need me anymore like I need you? Do you worry about me like I worry about you? Were you glad to get rid of me? Maybe I was only a coworker to you, but you own my heart. Everything about you is perfect to me. I love how brave and creative you are and how caring. How your sense of justice is so strong. How you always made sure to ease my fears and give me confidence. How you always knew exactly what to say to me. Please give me a sign. I am trying to hard to live normally but I can't stand the hole you've left inside of me. My heartbreak is burdening everyone around me. Would you hate me for that? Do you hate me anyway?>>

 

I buzz the call box for Alya and Nino's apartment. It's almost one in the morning but I saw Alya awake at her computer from the window. Nino is definitely asleep. That's good. I don't want to see him right now. I don't want Nino to see me when my heart hurts.

"Who is it?" her whisper comes loudly over the intercom.

"Chat Noir." She lets me in instantly. I trudge up the stairs normally. My body hurts so much. She is waiting with the door open when I get to their floor.

"What happened to you?" she asks quietly.

"I um... took on a gang. Forgot that Ladybug couldn't just heal me after," I smile at her.

"What are you doing here?" is the next question.

"I want to know if you had anything to help me find Ladybug."

"Posting creepy monologues on the internet at midnight is not the way to get her to come to you," Alya states. Yeah, but wasn't my picture really good?

"Do you have any other ideas? I'm desperate. I love her."

"I know. I feel for you, I really do. But that doesn't give you the right to invade her privacy."

"She said that if we were meant to be, we would find each other."

"Maybe you should just live your life and let it happen naturally. Haven't you ever fallen in love with anyone as your true self?"

"Maybe you," I smile. It's all I can do. I know that she is right. That is exactly what Ladybug meant. I don't trust that much in luck like Ladybug does. I can't leave it up to fate. Alya sighs.

"Do you need help with your injuries?"

"The bad one is under the suit, and I can't take it off. Thanks for offering."

"Wait. You'll still watch my friend, won't you?"

"Of course. He feeds strays like me," I wave, making my way back down the stairs. Time to go find some people to fight with Adrien Agreste.

 

I am arrested along with the other guys and I only sit in holding for like twenty minutes before I am bailed out. It's not Gorilla or Nathalie here to pick me up. It's father. He actually came himself? This is weird.

"Look at your face! What were you thinking?" he scolds me immediately. We haven't even left the station. Give me a minute! I follow him silently to the car. He delivers me to a doctor (at 3am!!) who stitches up my arm. I'm given painkillers I won't take and we continue our silence almost all the way home. Almost.

"So you can take care of yourself, huh?"

"I won most of that fight. There were just more of them than of me."

"Why would you do something that stupid?" he snaps.

"Sorry if this is going to be a PR problem for you."

"You could have been hurt!" What? He is actually _worried_? About me? Good. That's good. At least he's not totally a heartless monster. Maybe he does care about me a little? Or am I stupid if I fall for that? What would he even get out of manipulating me? What else would he have to lie about? It's all out there now.

"Do you still love me?" I ask quietly.

"Of course I do, Adrien!" I relax. That's all I want from him. "Do you still love _me_?"

"What?" I blink. Do you want me to love you? You're a criminal. Dad doesn't say anything as we pull through the gate at home. I can't not answer that question, it would be too mean. Saying no would just be cruel.

"I don't know why, but yes. I love you too." It actually feels really good.


	12. Day 13- Strategies

I scream and clamor away, but I am all tangled up. My breathing is fast but I adjust quickly to the light. I hurt so much. I learn these are my bed sheets I'm trapped in.

"Adrien..." It's Marinette. Just Marinette. Oh. Breakfast. I take a deep breath.

"Good morning minette." I try a smile. My face hurts.

"I didn't mean to scare you," she looks really concerned. I don't want her to be so worried.

"My alarm didn't go off," I apologize, checking my watch. Yeah, out of battery. I pull myself into a sitting position that doesn't hurt too much. I am hyper aware of my nakedness under the sheets. How did she even get in here? Did I forget to lock the door? Did my parents let her in?

"Oh Adrien... what happened?" Marinette sits down on the edge of the bed. She looks like she wants to touch me. I want her to.

"I was just being dumb and got in a fight," my heart rate feels like it might be back to normal now. I reach out to take her hand. She grips it tightly.

"What were you upset about?" She's asking because she really cares, I know. I look down at my other hand. Ladybug. Ladybug is the true answer here.

"I just felt frustrated. It was stupid. I'm stupid." I mumble. It had actually been a pretty good fight. The crime ring, too. Pretty good fight. In both of which I wanted to die. 

"Why were you out so late like that?" her voice is so nice.

"I couldn't sleep. I was just walking around. I do it all the time." 

"Where are you hurt?" she asks. I understand it as an offer to take care of me. I tell her that everything hurts. There is no place on me that isn't awful. I ask her how she got into my room and the amount of satisfaction on her face when she tells me she came in via window is priceless. I love her.

 

We lay together in bed and watch TV and eat the bread and jam she brought with her. She has my same weird habit of watching the news, which is really surprising to learn. They eventually gossip about Chat Noir and how he single-handedly brought down a dangerous gang. Like a hero, guys. A hero. Why can't they say it?

"He's being really reckless now without Ladybug," Marinette comments.

"He doesn't seem like he thinks a lot to begin with," I mumble back. She looks at me. Is she thinking that I'm Chat Noir again? They show my Really Good Picture from the la Defense arc and discuss my really embarrassing plea for Ladybug. I am so ashamed of it now. How dare I write stuff like that to a mystery woman when I have plenty of people that do love me? When I have Marinette and I have Nino and a kind of really fucked up family. Doing my best.

"Do you meet him a lot?" she asks, "I haven't seen him in a long time. He's kind of my friend. Can you have him come see me?"

"Why?" I'm the one that's suspicious now. What could Marinette possibly have to say to him? Does she like Chat more?

"I am worried about him," she says sternly, "He needs friends, too. All of his friends are gone, aren't they?"

"I'm sure he has real-life friends, too."

"It never felt like that," she shakes her head.

"What do you mean?" I blink. Did I really hang out with Marinette too much as Chat?

"I don't know. I just always got that feeling from him." Weird. I have plenty of friends.

"Maybe if you stick around, he'll show up. He's gonna be pissed I got beat up so bad, though," I laugh.

"He will be upset about it. You're his only friend right now," Marinette insists. Ah. I want to tell her. So that she can just feel bad for me instead of feeling bad for Chat Noir. The TV gossip changes over to how Adrien Agreste was shockingly arrested for assault, which is surprising to literally everybody ever and Marinette and I are completely silent about it.

 

I fall asleep again and when I wake up Marinette isn't there anymore. She left a note, though. That's nice of her. The TV is still on. My phone is dead and I plug it in with my watch. I very painfully take a shower. My face is really messed up. I'm probably not going anywhere for a week or two. At least not as Adrien. The arm stitches look fine and it's not restricting a lot of my movement. The bullet bruise is still a good, gross black and green. I have maybe a million other various bruises, too. At least I look as bad as I feel. I definitely prefer it when Nino hurts me and then it's all over at once. I find the loosest clothes I have.

"Cheese." Plagg demands when I am dressed. I get some from the mini fridge for him and sit on the couch.

"I'm really stupid," I sigh. The Chat Noir news is running again. Plagg eats another slice of cheese wheel. I have some missed calls from Nino and a slew of texts from maybe every person that has my phone number. Who would have thought that all I had to do for attention was get into a fight? I try and answer everyone as honestly as I can. I call Nino because he is very ride or die about me. I tell him maybe seventeen times that I am okay.  

 

Nathalie summons me to come speak to my father. I wonder if he should get a new assistant. It feels a little bit wrong that Nathalie would still be running his errands now that they are dating. Also I am pretty sure that the grace period I got from his big evil persona reveal is probably over now. I should have taken more of an advantage of it. You can't exactly strong arm getting your way for moral reasons after you get arrested. I'm instructed to sit at the meeting table and Nathalie sits across from me. I hope this isn't anything big, because it definitely is. Dad's office is a little bit of a mess than it would usually be. They are trying to finalize the designs for the Fall/Winter line for production. Or at least that's the stage that I assume they are in from what I know about the cycle. I wonder if Marinette would be like this too if she really goes into the same thing. Man. It's like we are fated for each other. If I believed in that.

"You were correct in your assessment that this is quite a public relations problem," Dad sits at the head of the table. I kind of wish that I had gotten shot yesterday instead of having to do this now.

"Am I fired?" I cringe. Am I even technically an employee? I never really paid attention because I didn't have a choice in the schedule that was made for me.

"That is not off the table, but we have plenty of other options we would like for you to review," Nathalie presents me with a small project binder. Wow. This really _is_  serious.

"We need to discuss how you would like to handle this. I assume it has been your intention to manage this company in the future. If that is the case, we should not fire you as brand ambassador at this time," Dad says. Wait. I have a choice? And they want to talk it out with me? This had never happened in my life. Also, more importantly, 'brand ambassador' is what it's called? Really?

 

Together we draft up a statement and a showy strategy to redeem me in public opinion over the course of a year or two. An exhibition of healing and goodwill. Luckily my reputation had previously been very good, and there are records for when I dropped out of school and took a work hiatus last week. You can't blame someone _too_   _much_ for having a mental breakdown if they've already warned you that's what they're doing. I was just being responsible. Planning ahead. Dad lays down some ground rules that we shouldn't discuss the whole Hawk Moth thing with any psychiatrists since apparently not only am I going to do normal therapy again but also family therapy now too. I make a quip about how we won't resolve anything since " _Papillion est mon_ problem" in the first place. The response from my limited audience is silence. Would have been a great Chat Noir joke, but the light wordplay sounds stupid coming from Adrien. Oh well. If they want to be serious, I can be serious too. I'll make you feel bad about it.

"What did you expect? You barely acknowledge my existence and then everything that I thought I knew was a lie? Am I guilty too? An accomplice because I should have known? Just because I'm your son?"

"Perhaps we should scout a professional who an be trusted to have an extreme amount of discretion about these sensitive matters," Nathalie says when my father clearly can't come up with a response. Come on, Nathalie. Just say it simple. Find someone that won't snitch.

"Would that be for the best, Adrien?" Dad asks. We would be trusting someone with this and putting them and Dad and all of us in danger. I look down at my ring. If the three of us are going to be honest, I will have to eventually let them know why I am so upset. Do I want to do that?

"Only if we are absolutely sure that we can trust them," I say. I know this means they will probably blackmail some poor therapist, but hopefully not. Shouldn't be too much harm done.

 

"Also, I would like for you to not bring your friends in through the second story window. It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt," Dad says. A. You care about my friends now after having akumatized all of them and their families? B. Do you have surveillance on my window now? Poor Marinette, got caught sneaking into her boyfriend's house. I hope they don't use that against her, she would not stand for it at all. It would make her so mad.

"I am afraid that you will try to hurt them again," I look back down at the ring. "I just want to protect my friends." That's what Chat Noir is for. That's who he is. That's who I am.

"I will not hurt your friends," Dad says sincerely.

"I know that, but I can't help it. Is that everything? I'm tired and in pain," I go ahead and stand up because I don't feel like listening even if there is more to do. 

"I hope that your intentions towards Mademoiselle Dupain are sincere and not another outlet for you to express your displeasure with me."

"Dupain-Cheng," I correct him, annoyed. 

"Your father thinks she is a great talent and pure of heart," Nathalie says like she is diffusing the situation somehow. I frown at them. So, Dad approves of Marinette? He likes her? He's scouting her? Or what?

"I was never able to akumatize her," Dad clarifies. Of course you couldn't! Marinette is the nicest person to ever exist. I'm upset that he even tried to.

"I'm not using her," I huff. The implication now is that they fully expect me to hurt her. How could they think something like that? I would never! Right? This is the first thing I'm going to complain about at family therapy, right after the doctor gets over the whole magical personas thing.

 

"That was bo-ring," Plagg yawns. I stop by the kitchen for cheese to restock the room. Good to know you're so invested in my future, buddy.

"I think I'm going to tell them about Chat. Not right now, but I feel like I should," I gather a box of small wheels into my arms.

"You don't think that's dangerous?" is the question.

"Honestly, if it is... I'm okay with that. If he could really hurt me or try to manipulate my power, it would really break my heart and I am better off knowing."

"It's up to you. It's not like you have to follow Ladybug's rules anymore. She's gone." I don't like that he uses those words. She's gone. She's not gone. She's somewhere. She hasn't disappeared like my Mom. Except for that she has.

"Should I tell my friends, too? I trust them. I don't like lying. Especially to Nino."

"It's up to you. I don't care." Plagg. Don't be an enabler like that. I really might tell them and then Ladybug will be mad at me. There is no Ladybug to be mad at me anymore, though. I sort through the Ladybug suspect list, the news running in the background. When the new cycle about me comes around Plagg and I both watch it. They read off the statement that we had prepared only two hours earlier. It feels like an out of body experience. Everyone knows all this really personal stuff about me now. I was always so good at hiding my pain but now it's out there on display for the whole world.

 

There's a huge influx of messages on my phone again once the PR statement really starts making the rounds. How do I know so many people? I am careful to respond appropriately to everyone. Then I switch over to Chat's account. Holy shit. He has at least three times as many messages. Good to know that Chat Noir is that much more popular. He definitely should be. I sit back down at the spreadsheet, feeling a little dazed. There are suddenly a lot of people _claiming_  to be Ladybug now. I know very clearly that Ladybug won't tell me this way, but I prioritize every single one of those people on the suspect list anyway. Occasionally they're already on the list so I stop to go ahead and look into them. The document grows by a few thousand rows. I have it backed up in like six places. I cannot risk having to do this all again. I have to go back to school for fall semester; I need to get through a majority of this before then since it's a huge time sink and I feel like I am in a battle against time. I need to find her as soon as I can. What if she doesn't live here anymore or if she dies like my mother? What if she's not a girl or doesn't ID that way or something else and I'm just totally doing myself a disservice by only investigating women? Shit, am I being super sexist? I look at Plagg but I know better than to ask him. I look back down at my phone. Another person that wants to be my new Ladybug, winking emoji. I don't add any of those people to the suspect list. I can always go find the messages again later if I have to but if I am sure Ladybug wouldn't reach out to me on social media, I am positive that she wouldn't hit on me over it either. The real Ladybug is probably actively trying to avoid me. I can't blame her.

 

Marinette is alone in the studio at her school. This is a part of her I haven't seen. Or thought about, I guess. I had never really thought about her life a lot until recently. Very recently. She is super busy. And my father is right- she really is a creative genius. She's draping fabric over a dress form like she is trying to make a decision about the way something should be.

"You called for me, Princess?" I pick up a hat from one of the other sewing stations and put it on. She drops everything that she had been holding.

"Chat Noir! What happened to you?" is her gasp.

"I took down a crime ring but I'm not _mew_ sed to fighting by myself," I sit up on a counter with a cute pose. She doesn't laugh. I am really not funny today at all, I guess. "What are you working on here?"

"You must be in a lot of pain," she ignores my question.

"Comes with the job. I saw some doctors, so don't worry."

"What does organized crime have to do with Hawk Moth? You need to be careful. Weren't you just supposed to be looking for Ladybug?"

"Do you know how I can find her? Any ideas?" I ask hopefully.

"Chat... what will you do when you find her?"

 

"I'm not sure. But I have to find her. Or him? Them? Maybe. Magic stuff," I make an exaggerated confused face. Dang. Marinette is super not having it out of Chat today, she is not amused by this at all.

"Don't destroy yourself looking for Ladybug, Chat Noir. Wouldn't she be upset if you got hurt because of her or because she wasn't there?" Marinette says. She is absolutely right. I love this woman so much, she's really good.

"Are you mad at me, Marinette?" I take off the hat I plundered earlier. She takes a deep breath, obviously working up the courage to answer.

"You are my hero, Chat Noir. I just want you to be okay, but I think that you are really sick right now. I will do anything you want me to do to help you, but I don't think that Ladybug is the answer. You have to learn how to be okay without her."

"You'll do anything I want except the one thing I want?" I smirk at her like I think that it's funny. I'm actually really disturbed.

"Whatever _you_  need," she nods resolutely. I briefly consider teasing her, like asking her to kiss me or something but I can't do that to her. I also really want to cry. Marinette's the most amazing person I've ever met in my life. How can she cut down into my very core so precisely like this?

"I'll ask if anything comes up."

 

I stand around looking at a fountain for a really long time. I'm devastated? Why? People go around me but nobody talks to me, which I'm really glad for. Marinette was completely spot on and I just can't pretend like I didn't hear any of it. She is right that I am hurting Ladybug by hurting myself. She is right that I am hurting myself. But I'm her hero. Marinette's hero, Chat Noir. That really bothers me, too. Who is Chat Noir if he's not with Ladybug? A guy that's paranoid his powerless parents are going to kidnap and eat his friends? I'm a grown man. Why am I throwing such a fit about this? I am acting like an entitled asshole. LB doesn't owe me anything. I am being an embarrassment. Maybe I am sick. Am I crazy? I don't feel like I'm crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Errbody drops all the hints all the time about LB and he remains SO DUMB. 
> 
> Back to other things tomorrow.


	13. Day 26- Mania

My face is back to normal now, so I'm taking Marinette to the opening reception for a new exhibition at Palais Galliera on my father's invitation. It's very exclusive. I still can't believe he likes Marinette this much, or maybe he's just glad that I'm not dating Chat Noir. Or a boy in general. Marinette got so excited  when I asked her if she wanted to go that I've never been more glad to be privileged enough to have an automatic in to events like this. It's going to be a good opportunity to be photographed for my celebrity mending quest, too. But that couldn't be less of a priority to me now verus how please Marinette is. Seeing her happy wraps me in euphoria. It really physically does, I swear I can feel it. I feel it on me and in me and I can't get enough. I am super addicted to this woman. Being in love with her makes me regret the rest of my life because I could have been feeling this happy for so much longer. I don't think I've ever known emotions as positive as the ones that Marinette fills me with. It's like when I first went to school and made friends and became Chat Noir. A whole new world.

 

Marinette's outfit is beyond stylish. I can't even handle it. Her white blouse has a v neckline that actually plunges _all the way_  to her high-waisted red pants. It's going to be too hard not to stare. I wish we had coordinated so that I looked half as sleek and sexy and classy as she does. Not like I picked my outfit anyway. Whoever did went directly for simple cool and I am in a leather jacket. I'm unbearably hot in it. Temperature-wise. 

"Oh minette, you look wonderful," I kiss her gently. She blushes, pleased with herself. I load her into the car and get in on the other side. I briefly regret that we are being chauffeured because if we were alone we would not be going to the museum reception anymore. I should probably learn how to drive? I wonder if Marinette knows how to drive. Why don't I know _anything_  about her? Why haven't I absorbed her whole life into my head yet? Maybe we can talk forever and I still won't know anything. She's telling me about the exhibit that's opening and why it's important to the history of fashion design but I can barely hear any of it because I am trying so hard not to look at the sliver of skin down her torso. How am I supposed to get through the whole evening with her taunting me like that?

 

It is almost already crowded even though we aren't too fashionably late. Chloe finds us immediately anyway, throwing her arms around me and pecking my cheeks. 

"Adrikins! You look so good!" she exclaims.

"Thanks, Chloe. You know Marinette. She's my girlfriend now," I introduce like this because I want to see what happens. I already know that Chloe is aware of my relationship, there is no way she hasn't seen all the pictures of us on social.

"Hi Chloe, how have you been? Marinette at least put in the effort to smile and extends a hand. I know they don't like each other.

"Hello Marinette. What are you doing now, I haven't seen you in forever," Chloe reciprocates. Wait. Are they actually going to get along? Or like... pretend to? I guess we are adults now, right? They chat briefly and Marinette excuses herself to join the line for the wine. Chloe lifts her face up at me with a Look.

"I get that you're going through some shit with your dad, but you pick _now_  to date her?"

"Chloe, I've never been happier in my life," I grin. She sighs at me. 

"Pretend like you don't hate each other. I'm trying to repair my image and I don't need to be the cause of an incident."

"Just for you," she laughs. Marinette comes back with three glasses of wine. We catch up a little more and then Marinette pulls us off into the exhibit. There are way fewer people here.

"I've never looked at any of this stuff before," Chloe sounds upset at having to leave the party behind. Marinette starts to tell her the same thing she was telling me in the car about the historical context something and Chloe cuts her off sharply.

"Let's at least look. Wouldn't your mom be glad to know you took a little interest here?" I try. I like the glare I get from her.

"You wouldn't usually be interested, either," she points out but she sticks with us anyway. Marinette offers up so much information and points out a lot of little details on the displayed outfits to us. It is much more interesting this way. Mostly I am interested in Marinette, though. And her outfit. That's interesting.

 

We end up back at the reception and I mingle relentlessly with everyone that I recognize. I introduce Marinette to a lot of industry hotshots and critics. She is positively starstruck. I am really glad I can do this for her. I make sure we are photographed together looking like upstanding members of fashion society. Chloe delivers more wine into our hands and eventually the three of us und up a little tipsy and also across the street at Palais de Tokyo. It's really pretty here. So pretty. Chloe is telling us about how she brought down Hawk Moth. I don't think I've seen any media statements made by her about it at all. Or any social media. Chloe even stops herself before she tells Marinette about Hawk Moth's identity. What a good friend she is.

"Marinette knows about my father," I nod, standing up on the side of the rock pond. I think I can jump over to one of these boulders as Adrien but I don't know yet if I'm too drunk to try or too drunk not to try. Chat would already be sitting up on top of the statue at the other end.

"Are you feeling better about it?" Chloe asks. Chloe! Deep inside you do really care about people. I don't care what anyone says.

"We are... different now that I know it was him. Like Chloe, he tried to kill you! But he's my dad and he wants to pay attention to me now and I really want that, too." I sit down and lean against her. I see the jealousy spark behind Marinette's eyes. I love that. Marinette's so competitive. 

"Heroes and bad guys are supposed to fight each other, Adrien," Chloe shakes her head. I stand back up. I'm supposed to fight him. My destiny.

"Let us get you back to the castle, queen of heroes," I hold out a hand dramatically.

 

"I hope that you didn't have a curfew or something," I grin at Marinette as we get in the elevator at Chloe's hotel. I had forgotten about this amazing outfit while we were busy at the event but now its monopolizing all of my brain. Even Marinette's hair is down today and she brushes her bangs gracefully out of her eyes before she says anything.

"Thank you for bringing me today. Being able to see the exhibit like that and meet all those people was really incredible," she gushes. So cute. The elevator has stopped and it take everything I have to not start kissing her right now and to get to the room. It's a really nice suite. Being friends with Chloe does have perks outside of mindless entertainment. I am so glad to be free of this leather jacket. I instantly feel like I can breathe again. Marinette's hands run across my shoulders. Oh, Mari _nette_! Her arms wrap around my waist and she presses into by back with her body. I put my arms over hers. I think I really like being hugged his way.

"I love you, Adrien," she says, her voice soft and beautiful. If it is possible to fall even harder than I already have for her I do it right now.

"I don't even know words strong enough to say to let you know how much I love you," I answer her. She puts her weight on my back, hugging me as tightly as she can. Does she think that I am going to disappear? I know what that is like and I would never do it to her. I am not abandoning happiness like this. I want Marinette next to me every single moment of my life. I remove her arms from my waist and I turn.

 

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," I whisper to her as I lean down to press our lips together. I wrap my arms around her, locking her up in me. I can't get enough of her. I will never be able to have enough of her. Marinette returns the kiss. My whole head is filled with Marinette. We explore each other's mouths with increasing greed until Marinette grabs my shirt collar and drags me with her to the bed, our lips still locked. We fall into it next to each other and I kiss across her cheek as she giggles. Her ears are so small and round like Ladybug's and she lets out a satisfied whimper when I run the tip of my tongue along the edge. I nibble tenderly against her ear, breathing her in. Marinette's smell is the best smell. I kiss my way slowly down her neck. I love her. I push my palm firmly across a breast and she rewards me with another whimper. I want more. I want Marinette to make so much noise tonight. I slip my hand into her plunging neckline like I've been fantasizing about for hours now and push the fabric away. Her shirt completely slips loose from her waistband and it hangs off of her like wings. She is so beautiful. I lick and knead and nibble until she is floundering desperately with anticipation. Her hands are at my pants, pushing against my hard-on mercilessly.

 

"Mari-" I interrupt myself with a moan as her lips make contact with the base of my shaft. Nope. I can't stop her now. No way. I feel like I catch her smiling but I forgot already. The warmth of her tongue travels up to the tip of my cock and I don't even know where we are anymore. I roll my fingers into the comforter on the bed. It's so soft. Marinette's mouth is on me and I instinctively push my hips at her even though I don't mean to. I feel like my body is on fire. How wet this is feels unbelievable. The sensations from her mouth rolling against me ripple through me and my chest feels tingly and hot like I am dizzy but I am not dizzy.

"Marinette," I moan her name and this just seems to inspire her more and she agonizing stride she had quickened to be somehow even more infuriating. I can't handle this. This is too much. It's so much. My cock is so wet and warm and hard and it feels so good. She massages my balls and I make a raspy gutteral noise in response, my whole torso tensing. Her eyes find mine and I _can not do that_ , Marinette. She slows. So slow. Too slow. I can't handle it. The sensation of the way her mouth is sliding against my dick is reflected with electricity in nearly every other part of my body. I have to gasp for her to stop and she does but she just _climbs on top of me instead_. MARINETTE.

 

She takes hold of my erection to guide it into her. Is this real? Am I dreaming right now today? Is all of today just a hallucination? We let out matching cries as I slide in. I am awash with affection all over again. Marinette leans forward to kiss me and this is literally the best. Her hips raise and fa;l and I push at it desperately. I slide my fingers all over her, wanting everything. Her soft whimpers only give away to a moan occasionally but I want them. I pull myself up to a sort of sitting position so I can have more control over thrusting into her but she won't let me take over. This is Marinette's show today, she's completely in charge. I kiss her again. I love it. I love her. I love all of this. I don't know what to do with all of this lust that's gathered in my chest, pressing against my lungs and my heart and my stomach.

"Be louder, let me hear you," I don't even know how I can manage to say a full sentence. Her beautiful moans overflow. Her voice is wonderful. I take a nipple between my lips and there are more moans for that. I squeeze her butt cheek with my hand and a different noise for that. I could learn all of this sound. I want it ingrained in me completely. She is hanging on to my shoulders now, still mostly moving herself on me. Her eyes are closed and her face is flushed. Her lips glisten. I love her.


	14. Day 27- Perfect Specimen

Chat Noir has gotten a little complicated. People message me for help sometimes, I don't usually respond to those. I am cautious if I do, or forward to the authorities if I don't. I don't want to walk into a trap or get taken advantage of. My main priority is a little less being-a-hero and a little more finding-Ladybug. I stay away from a lot of crime but I feel obligated to intervene in disputes and violence. The police don't even think that I should do that much. I'm not really friends with the police anymore, if I ever truly was. They don't like me. I think I'm beginning to understand why. Once when I dropped in on Alya she told me to be wary of becoming a villain myself. I laughed it off but it stuck with me. I've been focusing hard on being careful about what I do and being _good_. But I don't let that cut into Chat's fun. I am getting into parties and weddings and playing boule with old dudes in the park. I went on a walking tour in the Louvre and performed stand up in a basement. I delivered a pizza like Spidey. Just anything that catches Chat Noir's whim, he can do. It's more free than being free.

 

I continue taking selfies with everyone in my city. Might as well. It's only a matter of time before people are tired of it. I've even started to receive some praise for my night scene photography. Like people are really starting to talk about if I can be considered an artist or something. I don't really agree. Paris is doing all the work, it's just that I'm the only guy with a cell phone on the roof. People are plotting out where I've taken pictures too, to see if they can triangulate where I'm based or predict where I'll go and when. That's a fun game. I even run some of my own calculations and post a prediction as Adrien Agreste because I might as well. I am going to have to wait a month or two to go to that spot now. Like Adrien was right but just not right enough. Chat has more followers than the boy band guy Chloe's in love with and I'm about on par with Jagged Stone now. This is a level of celebrity I never considered having. Sure, I was pretty much a celebrity as Adrien but this is something else entirely. It's taking on a life of its own. 

 

Not necessarily in a good way, either. I didn't expect the copycats but I wasn't completely surprised when it happened. I found the costume supplier and Cataclysmed the lot of them, but people are making their own. Chat Noirs are starting to pop up everywhere. And Ladybugs. Which is extra disheartening. It gets my hopes up every single time, even just for half a second. Once I just saw a girl in a red dress and had the same feeling. But things are probably going to get super dangerous with this situation. What happens when one of these normies get in a real fight and dies? Then it's on me. Isn't it? I need to do something but I have no idea what. I posted a little statement about it but I know that won't help. Maybe people are going to start wearing Chat Noir costumes to commit crime. Murder. Alya was very right. I am going to be a bad guy one way or the other. I hate that. What would Spider-man do? Can I call him? So I look it up online and when this happens to Spider-man he just beats them up or lets them get beat up or something but I can't do any of that. This is real life. Even with The Owl, Ladybug and I just kind of let him do his thing. But he was harmless and more or less knew his limits. And he wasn't impersonating us. I should probably just let this whole thing run its course naturally, but I know it's not going to go well at all.

 

Maybe I won't even be Chat Noir at all anymore. I am really trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I have a very _very_  good Ladybug candidate. The detective thought so too, enough to point her out as a priority. And then the voice matched. I have been antsy ever since. I don't know how to handle this now that it's here. I can't not talk to her, I have to make sure. The detective got me the rest of the details on her today. The woman's name is Eloise. She is almost one year older than I am. Her height and build seem right. Her hair is right. She's lived in the Croulebarbe neighborhood her whole life. In high school she won multiple martial arts competitions, she has extensive training. She's a cop now, too. It all fits way too perfectly. It's got to be Ladybug. I hope that it is. It's so perfect. What am I even going to say? Should I ask as Adrien or Chat? The police don't really like Chat right now, but Adrien is just out on bail until trial so we are going with Chat on this one. I make myself comfortable on the roof of a newstand outside Glaciere station. According to my detective, Eloise will come through here when she's off work for the evening. The weather is still really nice. I scroll through Chat's social media to pass the time. The rail line is elevated right above me here so it's not like I won't notice when the trains come in. I couldn't ignore it if I tried. God. What am I even going to say?

 

I feel my heart literally stop when she comes out of the gates. It has to be her. It just has to be. I jump down and approach with a friendly save. She is a cop so I don't want her to immediately taze me or something. 

"Hello mademoiselle Eloise. I'm Chat Noir. Can I treat you to dinner?" I offer with a heavy dose of certainty weighing down my words. I can hear it. She is stunned. My heart is _pounding_. Please be LB. Please. You have to be.

"Are you the real one?" she finally says. Her voice! I feel my soul fly away from me for a second. Of course she knows I'm the real one! My Lady wouldn't mistake me. I grab the baton and perform some tricks anyway. I will do anything she asks.

"There are some pizza places down the street here. We should be able to have a fair amount of privacy to speak," she offers. She's so pretty! I love her! I'm so happy I found her! I take her arm in mine and realize that she wears my perfume. Adrien's. Maybe fate really is real! The restaurant is pretty nice and dark, we order pizza and wine. I can't keep myself contained I am so excited. I feel so happy! So relieved. All of those things. Would Marinette be okay with me having dinner with another woman? It's just dinner. But it is with Ladybug.

"So what is this about? Do you need police help? Because I'm at the bottom of the food chain, I don't think anyone will listen to me," she says as the waiter pours our wine. He is the opposite of bothered that a superhero is dining here. I don't faze him at all. I wait until he's gone, though. I'm so nervous. I'm so sure now that she is Ladybug. This is really Ladybug. 

 

"Were you Ladybug?" I get the courage up somehow. Eloise laughs immediately. She's wonderful!

"People used to ask me that all the time but I never expected it from Chat Noir!" she exclaims. Of course Ladybug isn't going to admit it to me so easily. She doesn't want me to know who she is. 

"I have been doing nothing but searching for Ladybug and you are the only person to ever come close." What should I say so that she lets this happen?

"Really?" she seems surprised. 

"You're perfect in every possible way. There's no way it isn't you. You can tell me. Please," even I can hear the desperation in my voice.

"You're the real Chat Noir and you really think that I'm your partner?" I don't know if she is concerned or flattered. Please just admit it, Ladybug! I found you, why are you testing me like this? Do you really not want me that much? She stares across the table at me, biting her lip.

"I'm sorry," Eloise shakes her head. I forgive you, Ladybug. I'll forgive you for anything. For abandoning me. For making me try so hard to find you.

 

"I miss you so much," my breath catches with it. I feel like I'm going to cry, my happiness will spill over! She can take me home with her and I can tell her I'm Adri-

"I wish that I was, but I am not Ladybug," Eloise is shaking her head. What? All of my internal organs wither. No. No, no, no. You have to be Ladybug! It's so perfect!

"Why would you still deny it when I've found you?" I'm shaking.

"I'm really sorry, Chat Noir. I'm really not her," she looks guilty like someone lying would look guilty. She must really not want me. 

"What if I told you who I am?" I ask quickly. She's silent. The pizza arrives and we don't touch it.

"You shouldn't do that. I'm a police officer. I would have to let them know." Ladybug is just like this. That is what Ladybug would say to me if Ladybug were a cop who didn't want me to know she was Ladybug. 

"I am really not Ladybug. I can see that you really think so and you aren't the first person to suspect it, but if you really are Chat Noir, you should be able to tell that I am not Ladybug once you can think clearly about it."

"You are," I insist. I'll let her pretend not to be if she has to but I want her to be sure that I _know_. She pulls out her phone and swipes around briefly before holding it out. 

 

It's a clear video of Ladybug saving Eloise from a rampaging Akuma. I'm in the video too, making some stupid joke about karate tournaments. I think I remember something like that happening. I was wrong. How could I be wrong?

"I'm really sorry, Chat Noir," Eloise says gently. I wipe at my masked face and drink some of the wine. I feel like I have slipped into the ground and I just keep sinking further down into it. I am a bad cat in all the ways I could be bad.

"I'm sorry for harassing you. I should have looked into it further before talking to you. That was irresponsible," I manage. Eloise feels sorry for me. I can tell.

"I'm really flattered." Now she is even trying to make me feel better. I shouldn't be that much of a burden to a stranger. Or to anyone. And she is right. I should have known that she wasn't Ladybug. Ladybug doesn't even wear that perfume. I should have accepted it right away when she said that it wasn't her. I just wanted it to be her so much. I miss her so much. I hang my head, unable to stop the tears from falling. I'm so sorry Eloise. Nobody should have to see me like this. It's not your fault.

 

"Adrien?" Alya looks surprised. I know I look like I've been crying, because I have been and I can barely keep it together at all.

"I'm sorry. I just... wanted to see Nino," I sniff. Alya pulls me into a graceful, firm and tight hug. I am so glad for it. 

"He's DJing a party tonight. What happened?" she doesn't let go of me and I am still glad. Don't let go of me.

"I'm stupid. I'm so stupid," I let it out. I might as well. 

"Come on, you're the smartest dude I know. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes sometimes. It doesn't make you stupid." Oh Alya. Alya is actually the smartest. More intelligent than I am. She always knows what I need just like Nino does. They are made for each other. Like me and Ladybug.

"It's not anything to do with Marinette if you're worries," I mumble into her shoulder, "I just feel bad for no reason."

"That's okay. I'm glad you came over," she says quietly and waits for me to be done crying and to get my fill of the hug. The door is even still open. Geeze. I pull away and rub my eyes, trying to focus on breathing.

"Good boy," Alya pats my back. She closes the door and pours me a glass of water. She had obviously been in the middle of doing schoolwork. I shouldn't have distracted her. I am thankful for the water, though. Alya sits down, watching me.

"What do you need, Adrien? Do you want to talk to me? We can joke or be serious, or do you just want quiet?" she rests her head on her fist. I sit down, too. What do I want?

"A little talking. What are you working on?" She explains her journalism and creative writing assignments and what's been going on at her school. I offer my input where I can. It's just enough of a distraction that I don't think about Ladybug but I do still feel the lump in my throat and the pit in my stomach.


	15. Day 28- Cat Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is gross. I want to let them bang but I can't out of RESPECT for my girl Mari ok

My vibration alarm encourages me off the couch. I text Marinette to cancel breakfast and I rinse my face off in the kitchen sink. I don't want to wake up Nino and Alya, they are the kind of people who sleep in the mornings. I'm not but I don't feel like doing anything today at all. Even the thought of going home seems exhausting. I'd cook breakfast for the couple but I'm not the best at cooking and I don't know what time that they are actually going to eventually get up at. I sit myself up on a window ledge with a glass of water. I can just barely see a sliver of the street below in the morning light. It's just enough. 

"Too bad that wasn't Ladybug," Plagg mumbles from my chest. I guess he's determined that it's now safe to say something about yesterday's humiliation. Not only humiliation, heartbreak. It was not yet safe to ask me about it, Plagg.

"Why, did you like her?" I could have definitely gone an hour or so more without having to think about it.

"I like Marinette more."

"I do too," I sigh. Yeah. But Marinette is Marinette. She isn't Ladybug and there is this hole in me that Marinette can't fill. That Nino can't fill. Maybe Ladybug can't fill it either and I am just a pathetic terrible shadow of a person. Just incomplete for the rest of my life. I watch the florist across the street bring out the displays for the day. People on their way to work. Everyone with something to do and somewhere to be and it's not like me at all. The only thing I'm here for is to find Ladybug but I can't even do that. Ladybug will give my life meaning again once I find her. I just have to find her. The real her. I scroll through my phone. Someone's drawn Ladybug and Chat Noir fanart and sent it to me. We are fist-bumping in it. My heart clenches. We never fist-bumped after we beat Hawk Moth. More things left undone. I send compliments about it back to the artist. Thanks for making me feel so sad so early in the morning.

 

"Oh hey man. You're still here." Nino doesn't say it like I'm not supposed to be here. Alya had left a while ago and I had just listened to Nino's shower running and him humming to himself. 

"Yeah. I just... didn't want to leave," I get down out of the window and stretch. Nino looks at his watch.

"I don't have to be anywhere until tonight. Do you want to do a catwalk? I just got an idea." It sounds so casual. Today I will ugly cry if NIno hurts me, I know it.

"I'm not sure. I don't feel very strong right now," I manage a small smile. I don't really want to turn down a catwalk because I am still so amazed that it is a real thing at all. Nino nods his head understandingly, obviously thinking. I let him think because I am curious. 

"Do you just want to act like a regular pet for the day? No pain. No tying up." Whoa, Nino. How are you even coming up with this stuff? How are my friends so creative? It really kind of seems like that would be just enough so I don't have to think about Ladybug anymore, like when I helped Alya with her homework.

"Do you want me to crawl around on the floor?" I joke. 

"Not really. You can just do whatever you want but as a pet. If you want some restriction, you don't have to talk," Nino offers. It sounds so comfortable, and it's a good excuse not to be alone today.

"What will you do?" I ask.

"Just be me, I guess," he looks embarrassed. He hasn't thought this out yet past the idea. He will definitely come up with something to do to me.

"Do you want me to be a cat or a dog?" I give him a model grin now. Nino thinks about it. Why do people have such a hard time with the cat thing? I'm Chat Noir! I'm a cat!

"Both. Either. Just be what you're comfortable with." Nino. Both? What about me is like a dog?

"Do you want to give me a name?"

"You have one already."

"How is this different from just hanging out normally?" I laugh.

"I'm sure that it is," Nino nods his head with certainty. It's worth a try. I don't have anything to lose. 

"I'll speak only if I have to, but I'm a cat. If you play video games, I want to play them with you," I tell him. Nino smiles his big goofy grin. I love him so much. Who can resist that face?

 

I wonder if this is what it's like to be Plagg. I bet Plagg is super judging me right now. How offended he must be that I'm basically just pretending to be him. Plagg is definitely like... a person, and a friend and not my pet but this is probably how he's living, isn't it? But Plagg doesn't even get a Nino, he's stuck with _me_. Imagine having to be attached to a dude who just wants to trade lives when he's got it as good as he does. I know my life is the opposite of hard, but I feel terrible regardless. If I were Plagg I would hate me. Nino fed me an omelette for breakfast, served up in a small bowl. It was so nice. Maybe I can quit everything and just live the rest of my life as a real cat that doesn't have to worry about anything. He's working on some music stuff now, but he isn't using headphones like usual. I guess you don't have to use headphones if there's only your cat there to listen. I go for the TV remote to put the news on and he takes it from me.

"No." It's a mumble like he isn't even paying attention to me. Pay attention to me! I groan at him with displeasure. Nino ignores it, busy on his computer. God. I feel worse and worse for Plagg. Well, I am the one intruding in his apartment uninvited and taking up his whole day. He doesn't owe me any attention. I walk around lazily in circles. I didn't exercise yet today and my body is starting to itch with it. I really thought that I had been fatigued by my sadness, and I am. But I want to move, too.

 

This is horrible spending all this time in my own thoughts. It really is. I curl up on the couch and scroll through my phone, but that only makes me think about Ladybug. I can't believe I got it wrong like that. The voice matched, too. I want to ask Nino about that but I guess that it can wait until I can talk again. I think I get that this definitely is a catwalk, now. One for my head, where I don't need to be hurt more. I get up, shuffle over to Nino and sit on the floor by his chair. I lean my forehead against his leg. Nino pats my head dismissively. No. Touch me more. I rub against his leg with my face in request.

"Hey kitty," he rubs my head with his fingertips and knuckles. It feels great. I look up at him. I hope he can see how much I like it. 

"You're bored already? Wait for me to finish this and I'll play with you," he says. I pout but I don't move. I wait for him. It takes what feels like forever but he ruffles my hair once in a while to keep me satisfied. I look at my watch. This whole session has only been an hour and a half and I feel like it's been a year. Nino scratches behind my ear and I hum. It feels so nice. 

  
"Alright. Stay laying down, otherwise it's too easy with your giant arms. If you catch it I'll give you a treat," Nino kneels on the floor by me. He's got a pendant necklace of Alya's that hangs off his finger. It looks like one of Marinette's designs. It definitely is, actually. I reach up. Giant arms, huh? I am taller and more lanky than Nino is, but I don't think I look that weird. Nino moves the pendant away but I catch it in my fingers as it swings back from momentum. I am going to be way better at this game than he is. Nino doesn't have any idea just how good my instincts are and how precise my coordination is from years of fighting. Nino bends over to kiss my forehead before sitting back up.

"Nino!" I breathe. Nino grins down at me.

"Your treat." He says. _Dieu_. My reward is _kisses_  from Nino. Is he even allowed to do that to me? He holds out the necklace again. I am _very motivated_  now and I catch it immediately. He laughs and bends over to kiss my cheek. I close my eyes to savor the sensation. I have hold of the necklace again right away.

"You are too good at this, Adrien," Nino complains. It is too easy, he isn't fast enough to beat me. When he comes down for my kiss I take hold of him at his neck. I press our cheeks together, feeling his breath against my neck. Nino. I let him go after a second and I roll over. I climb into him, nestling my face into his chest. He murmurs my name, resting his hands on my back and on my head. I stretch my arms over his shoulders and he falls backwards under my weight. I am reminded briefly of Marinette falling back onto the bed at the hotel. I hold my breath. This isn't that. I won't let it be. I hug him and press my eyes into his shoulder. Nino is my best friend. I am in love with him, but that doesn't change anything between us. I love Marinette and this isn't like that.

"Okay Adrien. Get up," Nino says. No. No. I can't get up. I don't want this to end. Nino sighs. He pushes at me a little so I roll off of him even though I don't want to.  His hands don't leave my arms until he reaches one up to pet my hair.

 

"Are you still sad?" I think maybe he asks because he knows that I am. I make an affirmative noise, closing my eyes.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" he asks. I shake my head. 

"Did... did something happen?" is the question. Does he want me to answer or is he asking because I can't? I don't respond at all and that's enough for him since he doesn't ask anything else. I feel him sit up but he's still touching me so it's okay. 

"Come sit in my lap, kitty," he directs. I roll my head into his lap, looking up at his chin. He rests his hands on my chest, rubbing his thumb lightly. I am content. What if he gets bored of this? He isn't doing anything at all. He's the owner, it's his choice what he wants to do. I hope he's not feeling like he has to do this because he's my friend and he thinks it's what I need. I think I do need it, though. I feel safe. After a while, he inches his fingers to my waist and tickles me. I laugh through the light convulsing of my body. 

"You are ticklish. I was wondering, my prince," his touch just becomes light caresses. As much as I try not to, I get hard from it. I can't hide it and Nino is for sure aware. Please make a note to never call me a prince again in the future, my dick thanks you. He tickles me again, gripping me down tightly across the chest with one arm and using his other hand to wiggle against my stomach. I writhe under him, laughing. He pauses then tickles my neck. Pause. Armpit. Pause. This is driving me crazy, Nino. My neck again and I flinch hard enough that his grip slips and I roll away. He grins at me. He liked doing that. I wipe the tears from my eyes. I feel better. I really do.

 

Nino goes back to his daily life and I just follow him around the apartment. If he moves to the couch, I go. If he gets a glass of water, I follow on his heels. If he goes to the bathroom I wait outside the door. Sometimes he pats my head but he doesn't say a lot. It's comfortable. He works more on his music until lunch and I play on my phone. He makes sandwiches and I watch over his shoulder. Nino turns and holds a corner of the tomato sandwich out to me. I reach to take it but he pulls back quickly.

"One bite," Nino's eyes twinkle. Okay. I get it! I open my mouth obediently and he lets me take a bite. Oh man this is messy. That's exciting. Nino looks like he's just realized what he's done and I laugh, wiping my face. I hold my mouth open again. I am actually kind of hungry now that I've had something. Nino grabs a towel first, holding it under my chin. I take a very, very slow bite so he has to hold everything up longer. 

"Is that good?" he asks in a pitch you would use for an animal or a baby. I lean down and lick his nose. What was that? Why did I do that? Nino laughs. That's okay? I'm going to do it again if it's okay. I lick his cheek this time.

"Adrien," he laughs my name. If there's anything more perfect I don't know what it is. I lick again just to be cute. I hold my mouth open, obnoxiously waiting for him to feed me again. He wipes my face after this bite. 

"You are definitely a dog," he tells me with resolution. I have no idea what he's talking about.


	16. Day 30- Somebody to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this "fluff"?

"Adrien?" Marinette huffs. We just finished an hour long jog. I am chugging water so I just wave my hand in answer. "Nino and I have noticed that you really crave contact. Why?"

"What?" I choke. Literally choke. I cough for a few minutes from almost drowning myself with a water bottle. Marinette laughs but pats my back protectively until I've recovered. I am still a little winded from running, too.

"So? Tell me. Why do you think that you're so lonely?" she takes my hand.

"I'm not really lonely. I have you guys. I'm not by myself very much," I assure. I could actually use a little more time alone to sift through Ladybug suspects but I know everyone is just watching me carefully since I could maybe be a danger to myself. I do appreciate that.

"Being alone and being lonely are different things," Marinette says.

"You don't hate me for that?" I mumble.

"Of course not, Adrien." She's so forgiving. It's like she will let me get away with anything. I don't really think that's good, but I am taking advantage of it. I really am a terrible and selfish person.

"I shouldn't feel lonely if I'm with you," I tell her, "I love you."

"If we talk about it, maybe we can fix it. I want to help you because I love you too," she smiles. She's beautiful. "Do you want to get crepes on our way back?"

"And undo everything we just burned off?" I chuckle.

"What other reason is there to work out for if you don't get to eat the good stuff?" Marinette tells me, a mischievous glow on her. Marinette is going to completely ruin me and she is going to enjoy every second of it and I will let her.

 

Strawberries kind of remind me of Ladybug. I think everything reminds me of Ladybug. I don't really want to eat more of this.

"So Nino's really... talking to you, huh?" I watch Marinette chewing her nutella and banana crepe.

"We are a little bit. There are things we want to tell each other or ask to make sure we don't..." she doesn't look like she knows what to say. That they don't hurt each other or me. That they don't cross a line.

"He's worried, then?"

"Yeah." Oh Nino, my friend. Nobody cares about me as much as Nino in my whole life. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me besides Chat Noir and Ladybug. And he's worried about me. I must be really extra messed up lately.

"I just... feel really helpless."

"What about?" Marinette asks even though her mouth is full. It's adorable, but I can tell she really means it when she asks. She's so worried, just like Nino must be. What do I even tell her? I can't tell her about Eloise and how lost I feel without Ladybug. How scared I am of my own father. How I don't know what to do to find Ladybug and how that is killing me.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't... I just don't know anything anymore. It's like... I'm trying so hard and it's not for any reason and it is just making me feel terrible and I am so confused," I pick at the half-eaten crepe in my hand, "I just want to know. I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Adrien..."

"I don't think that's anything you can help with," I tell her. She folds her fingers in with mine.

 

We walk shamelessly through the streets in our running getups, hand-in-hand. If someone takes a picture of us I am never going to hear the end of it from Dad. Or I guess _before_  he would have ragged on me about it. I wonder if he would even say anything now. Probably. Since I'm supposed to be endearing myself to the public I shouldn't go out looking like a mess. Marinette doesn't seem to care at all. We talk about the shops and stalls we pass and she tells me things about the concepts behind the collection she is designing for her portfolio class and about the nuances of the fabric business from her internship. I make little jokes or puns about everything to make her laugh. Marinette likes my jokes so much more than Ladybug does. I don't know how that makes me feel. We watch some pigeons in a square and Marinette points things out to me I never would have seen or noticed. It's like she's got everything that I don't have. We don't talk about my hopelessness anymore either. We go to her parents and they shower me with a dreamlike amount of affection and pastries as always. I chat in Mandarin with her mom and her dad and I discuss PSG's season after I tell him I recently got really interested in it. This life with Marinette is everything I ever wanted and I couldn't be happier. If I never find Ladybug, I can see myself maybe becoming content with just this.

 

Marinette has to at least attend class today and I don't let her part from me without showering her in a million kisses first. I don't feel up to returning to my Ladybug search yet. I consider transforming into Chat and flaunting about Paris but I don't think that I have that in me yet, either. The people of this city don't deserve a dispirited hero, even if all he does is provide fleeting moments of entertainment. I mindlessly walk. I get on the train, I walk some more. Past the lawn and all the way straight up to the Eiffel. I look up at it's insides. What am I here for? Why do bad guys like this place so much? I buy a ticket to the top even though I could just transform into Chat Noir and be there in five minutes. I want to be with the other people. I listen to all the languages, most of which I know, and I watch the tourists with kids in tow or the couples. I'm almost invisible in with everyone else. I am back to pick up Marinette from university and I treat her to a really fancy expensive meal somewhere with a Michelin star and she is embarrassed the whole time. I love it.

 

I play the piano for her. Actually play it. I let her sit in my lap and I show her an easy pattern to play as my fingers dance across, brushing against her hands when I can. This is so blissful. I feel like this is some kind of dream, like the kind of dream you would have if you were under a sleeping spell cast by a fairy godmother. I am not sure I want to wake up from it. I want to forget all of my regular life and live here in dream world with Marinette. I wonder how long it's going to be until this infatuation wears off. It's so new, I have to stop feeling like this at some point, don't I? I can't imagine being this way forever. I kiss the back of Marinette's neck where her hair is parted out into her trademark pigtails. Everything about this is comforting.

"Adrien," she keeps playing random little notes on the keyboard even though I've stopped, "Do you want me to tie you up or something?"

"No," I chuckle. 

"But if you like it, I can do that too. Not just Nino," she mumbles apprehensively.

"It's not the tying up. It's the pain. I like the pain. I don't miss it with you. There's not anything else Nino can give me," I want to inhale her, "You are everything I could ever dream of. I'd be wounded if you hurt me."

"I'm not innocent or weak. I can handle it," she careens her neck back to look at me. I kiss her cheek. 

"Is that what you want to do, minette?" I chortle a little. She blushes. "What do you really want to do? I'll do anything."

"I-I don't know," she stammers.

"Oh you don't know? Do you like this?" I kiss her neck and behind her ear, wrapping my arms comfortably around her waist. She giggles.

 

"What are you doing?" Marinette leans over my shoulder to see my now extremely complicated suspect spreadsheet. When did she wake up? I didn't hear her at all.

"I'm helping kuroneko find tentomushi," I shrug, closing out of it. I must know our names in every language that there is by now. But Marinette catching me working on this feels dirty. I hadn't even been doing any work on it, just looking. I still don't feel up to continuing after Eloise.

"What exactly are you doing for him?" she sounds serious. I turn in the chair to look at her. I reach out to lightly catch her hips with my hands. 

"I'm keeping track of who he should look into and who he already has. I'm running the voice analytics for him, too."

"This is what you're doing instead of work and school?" Marinette is frowning. She looks... scared? Is this too creepy?

"Pretty much," I confess.

"Don't do this anymore." Is the command. What? I can't just stop. Maybe if I was just Adrien Agreste I would listen to her, but I'm not.

"Marinette..."

"Stop looking for Ladybug. Right now. That list is a serious invasion of privacy. Delete it." Whoa there, Marinette. That's a little extreme.

"I can't just do that. This is Chat Noir's thing, not mine. I'm just helping. I'll tell him what you think," I say. She's searching my face in the light from the computer. What are you looking for, minette?

"Why are you doing this?" is the whisper, "Why are you so fixated?"

"She abandoned him. I just feel bad for him, that's all. And he's been helping me, so I wanted to do something for him too," I lie. Her expression falls into something I don't recognize. 

"Why is finding Ladybug so important to you?"

"I told you it's important to Chat Noir. I want to feel like I'm useful." I clarify. Marinette doesn't say anything for a few minutes. I keep my grip on her, frightened. Please don't leave me, Marinette.

 

"This is not how to find purpose. It's not going to make you feel less lonely. What are you supposed to do after this is over? Where is your purpose then?" Marinette rests her palms on my cheeks. "You have to figure out you. Don't let Chat control what you think is important to you."

"It is important to me," I mumble. If only she knew. If she had any idea just how involved I was in the things that are important to Chat Noir.

"This is wrong, Adrien. I don't want you to help with this anymore. Promise me that you will try to stop."

"I promise," I say weakly. Marinette kisses my forehead. I feel guilty.

"When I'm alone I can't think about anything else." The confession tumbles out of me. I'm obsessed. I'm blinded to the point where I can't even tell what's real. I should have known right away that Eloise was not my partner but I just wanted it so much that I ignored it. Why should I care so much about a girl who isn't Marinette? That's not fair to her at all.

"Why? What would you think about if you didn't have Ladybug distracting you?" She asks. I don't know. I don't know a world without Ladybug in it. My whole existence is wrapped up in her. This is my life. What else could I possibly think about?

"What are you scared of? What hurt you?" She whispers. Ladybug. I'm afraid of losing her. I'm afraid of being left alone. Of not belonging anywhere. If I said something like that to Marinette, would it hurt her?

"Myself," I say. She hugs me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is long and intense and also has no sex in it so I am sorry in advance.


	17. Day 32- Chat Noir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papillon saves the Day: An Adrien Isn't OK At All Not One Bit Chapter 
> 
> TWarning: Suicide Attempt

This family consultation doctor is super hot. Did Nathalie pick this guy or is my father just super oblivious? I exchange looks with her. She definitely didn't know about this previously, but she is absolutely on the same page that I'm on about it. If I get to look at him the whole four hours, this might not be the worst thing to ever happen. He tells us all to call him Ed, so that was a little bit of a let down. How am I supposed to fantasize about him later if his name is Ed? There are ground rules and things and my parents have already briefed him on their identities. They all go to start but I stand up. I've decided this already. It's only fair. I know who they are. Hell, Ed now knows who they are too. They are putting themselves at a huge risk because I can't control my emotions properly.

"I have... something I've been hiding and I think it's the time to say something," I announce. This is scary. It's so scary. I might be dead in ten minutes, who knows? That's fine. It's fine if they kill me, I'm okay with that. "I am not friends with Chat Noir. I am him. I'm Chat Noir. That's why this has fucked me up so much."

The look on Dad's face can be described as nothing else but just horror. Good.

"Don't make jokes, Adrien," Nathalie sighs at me. 

"What makes you assume that he would lie?" Ed questions. I reach into my blazer pocket to get Plagg before Nathalie is able to answer. I present him, my hand shaking. Their eyes widen.

"'Sup," Plagg yawns. He really could care less about this whole life-changing moment.

"Are you borrowing him from Chat Noir?" Nathalie asks, her voice quiet. I wasn't planning on transforming. I would really rather not have to do that to prove it. They should realize easily now that I've said it.

"Your ring," Dad says, frowning.

"Yes. I will protect it from you, now that you know," I am still really scared right now. What did I do this for? I slide Plagg back into my pocket. I'll protect him, too.

"Thank you for your honesty, Adrien. You can sit back down if you'd like," Ed clasps his hands together and leans forward in his chair, "Gabriel, would you like to share what you are feeling right now?"

 

"I always suspected but never believed it."

"Ladybug said a few times that you could be Hawk Moth but we never believed that, either," I mumble. She had brought it up again once or twice after Collector but I always shot it down. There was no way my father could be the bad guy, right?

"Who is Ladybug?" Immediately? Are you serious?

"I wish that I knew," I feel like crying. I am goddamn Chat Noir and all you still want is Ladybug? I sit down now, safely removed from them. Dad's eyes don't leave me at all. He's thinking. I am on high alert. He might really kill me.

"That's not important. What we need to do is find a path forward," Ed directs. A path forward? Literally the only future I see right now is one where the three of us get into a battle royale right here and Dad akumatizes everyone and the world is over because Ladybug is gone. My breathing picks up. I am ready to fight, I guess. The silence hangs in the air for what feels like forever.

"I don't think that Adrien's confession changes what our goal is, here." Wow Ed. You are like the bravest dude I ever met after Carapace. "What did you want to hear from your father when you decided to tell us about your secret?"

"An apology," I know the answer so it doesn't take me long to think about it.

"And did you feel like you wanted to apologize, Gabriel? Nathalie?" Ed really has balls, "There is still time to say it, but it has to be real."

"Adrien... we never meant to hurt you. We would have never!" It's Nathalie that speaks up first. I don't really expect anything from Dad now.

"You just wouldn't have hurt me if you knew it was me. That's all there is stopping you? Chat Noir had to be _somebody_ and it shouldn't make a difference of who he is to you about whether or not you want to destroy him." That seems to shock Nathalie. She starts to cry, actually. I am the one that should be crying right now.

 

"Gabriel, if you are waiting until later to discuss something with your son, you don't have to. This is this time. He will only be intimidated and distrustful if you wait," Ed eggs him on. Damn, Ed. You're not wrong. 

"I would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you," Dad says quietly. I really don't like it. It sounds exactly like what Nathalie said.

"Do you understand at all how wrong you were about everything? What would have happened if your plan worked? You were doing all of that for nothing. Now my whole life is defined by this whole thing!"

"I wish that you had not hidden this from me."

"Why wouldn't I? Why is it okay for you to hide things from me but not the other way around? It's not like I would have ever taken your side, anyway. I don't mean anything to you, I don't owe you any loyalty."

"If you know who Ladybug is you can still help me bring back your mother."

"What about Nathalie?" I feel so disappointed by him. I knew he was Hawk Moth. I knew he was evil, but this is still not who I thought that he was. "How can you be so fixated on someone who is gone when Nathalie has been here for us all this time?" The irony of what I am saying is not lost on me. Not one bit. "Would you rather have mom? You'd pick mom over me, too? All you've ever wanted is to control me. Control everything."

"I was right to keep you reigned in and sheltered from the truth because look at who you are now that I'm not!" He bellows. I really feel like I am sinking into the ground the same way that I had when Eloise wasn't Ladybug.

 

I scamper across the rooftops for a long time, aimlessly and blindly. It rained earlier in the day so everything was still wet and more slippery than usual. I fall several times. Recklessly. The last time, my toe gets caught in a grate and my chin knocks _hard_  against a metal ridge in the roof. I groan, knowing that it's going to bleed a lot. I wrench my foot free of the grate and sit where I am, holding my hand against my chin like it would be possible to stop my blood from leaking out of my body. Who does Dad think he is, anyway? Man. I might need stitches for this. On my face. Will that help or hurt my modeling career? Maybe I don't want to model anymore. I don't want anything to do with him. Then I'd even have less of a life than I already do. I turn on my phone and click around on it as I wait for the wound to clot. It hurts a lot. I start on WebMD but quickly end back up on social. I don't copy any names given to Chat over to the spreadsheet. I don't know if I should keep going or not. Marinette doesn't want me to, and I'm also not sure I could take another shock to the heart like Eloise again. Fuck. Eloise. I was so sure. I'm so stupid. And my father. My father. I feel like Hawk Moth has won. I am so completely defeated. There is no reason to continue searching. Or living.

"Chat Noir!" the confident, kind exclamation of my name makes my heart stop. Ladybug.

 

"Lady!" I scramble immediately, throwing my arms around her tightly.

"Hello Chaton," she says it so carefully like I am made of glass. I am made of glass.

"It's you." I can't believe it. She's here! She came back for me! She couldn't leave me either.

"You're bleeding!" Ladybug gasps. That's not important anymore. It couldn't be any less important. I hold on to her, avoiding her attempts to look at and tend to my cut.

"I knew you didn't abandon me," I feel like my chest is about to burst.

"Oh kitty, how have you not realized?" she pats my back.

"I looked so hard for you and I thought I found you but it wasn't you and it hurt so much I wanted to die and I can't tell anyone and I need you. I can't live without you please don't leave me again. I miss you. My soul feels incomplete. I'm so happy to see you. I missed you so much, Ladybug. I missed you."

"I know, kitty. Why did you miss me so much?" she coos. If voices were tangible I'd want to eat hers.

"I love you. I love you so much Ladybug." I'm dying. How is it possible to feel this relieved. She's okay. 

 

"What do you want from me, Chaton? Do you want me to be your girlfriend? Your wife?" she asks cooly. What? Is that what I wanted? It is what I mean when I say that I love her, but _Marinette_. I take a step away, releasing Ladybug from my grasp. I really had no right to say anything at all to my father. Shit. Don't think about that right now. 

"You... I... in my real life, I have a girlfriend now. She's amazing," I mumble. I don't want to lie to Ladybug. I don't want to put her in an awkward position, either. I am not going to be the biggest asshole this time like when I made Marinette accept my relationship with Nino. I won't make her have to accept that I have one with Ladybug. 

"I know," it looks like Ladybug is smiling but she might not be. Has she figured out who I am? Was she looking for me like I was looking for her?

"I've been really bad to her because of how I feel about you."

"Do you love me more?" the question sounds innocent but it actually hurts a lot. So much.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, Lady. It's like I'm a ghost."

"I know that you miss me now, but would you miss her? What if you had to choose?" Ladybug crosses her arms. I'd choose Nino, probably. I'd give my whole life to Nino I don't care what else there is for me in the world. I know he's not a choice, though.

"I don't want to." Not today. Not right now. Ladybug takes a deep breath. It's like what Marinette did the other week before telling me (Chat Noir) off. Am I really thinking about Marinette right now? At least I'm not thinking about Dad. Until now.

 

"I'm not sure what my feelings for you are, Chat. If you really think that you need me instead of her I will tell you who I am. If not, I need you to stop looking for me. No more begging on social media. No more detective stuff. You have to stop," she gives me the ultimatum. I look at her. This is too much. It's cruel, Ladybug. I know she's doing this because she is clear on who I will pick. She knows who I am. Better than me. Better than anybody.

"I'm Adrien Agreste," I tell her. If Hawk Moth knows, Ladybug definitely should. She nods her head, she did already know. "Everything I thought I knew about my whole life and about us isn't what I thought and it's messed me up. If you knew who I was already, you knew how much pain that I must have been in. I've been begging for you to save me, but you're gone. My friends have tried so hard for me, they've done so much. I can't betray that love."

"Ladybug is gone. Ladybug can't save you," she says. I'm shaking again. This is horrible.

"I won't look for you but please come find me if you need me. You have to need me too, don't you?" It's really hard to keep it together. I can't believe I'm doing this. Ladybug has been my life for years. She rests her red hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"I am not abandoning you, Chat Noir. I need you to know that. I haven't thrown you away. We just have to have new lives. I am with you even if Ladybug isn't. You don't have to be Chat Noir anymore. You are free from him, and you are free from me."

 

I watch Ladybug disappear into the darkness. My face throbs from my wound.

"Fuck." I let her get away. I just broke up with _Ladybug_. My _soulmate, Ladybug_! Why did I do that? When Ladybug talks to me I just automatically go with whatever she says! She just hypnotizes me. Am I the stupidest person to ever exist? My heart breaks. Ladybug is my sole lifeline. My savior my whole life. I told her I picked Marinette, but this feels so bad. I'm like a really bad person. Am I even allowed to regret it now? Is that wrong? Nino. He can help. I can tell him and he will make me feel better. I look down at my phone and text him. After a few minutes there's no answer. He is probably DJing or clubbing. I drag myself back out of my regret for Ladybug to send a text to Alya instead.

                                            <Where is Nino?>

<at a show. you wanna come over babe>

                                            <What show & where?>

<you cant just get tix halfway through lol>

<no matter how rich you are>

<come over hell be back>

<i got wine 🥂>

                                            <Maybe tomorrow.>

 

There are other texts from Nathalie asking me where I am. It starts to drizzle again. I lower myself to the street and change into Adrien, ducking into the nearest bar. I wash the blood off my face and neck in the bathroom sink and Plagg hovers over my shoulder with a concerned expression on his face.

"All I have is you, buddy," I swallow. 

"What about Marinette? You can go to her," he suggests. No. There is no way I am going to go cry on Marinette about Ladybug. That's cruel and I might be terrible but I'm not that terrible. I look at him in the mirror.

"I am not free like she said that I am. I don't want to be free," I tell Plagg.

"You can be Chat as long as you want, Adrien," he says like it doesn't matter but we both know that it matters and that we both care a lot about how much it matters. I wipe my face with a scratchy paper towel, careful of my chin cut. It bled so much for being such a small nick. I probably won't need stitches after all. Plagg makes himself comfortable back in my blazer pocket and I go out the bar and pound back some shots. I overpay and take myself outside into what is now just completely rain. What happened to all that nice weather? 

 

I move back into the catsuit and start out. I know where I am going but I don't want to admit it to myself until I'm standing at the memorial park entrance. Mom. She's still where she was when we defeated Dad. I put my hands on the glass. Is this glass? I tell her everything. How much I miss her. How much Dad must have missed her to do what he did. About how I'm Chat Noir and how in love I am with Marinette. I'm sorry for blaming you for running away. I know you didn't abandon me. I'm so glad you didn't. I'm so sorry that Ladybug and I can't bring you back. I can't bring Ladybug back either. I tell her about Dad and Nathalie and how I am so mad at them and so scared of them. How I feel bad that I am glad that she is dead. How much of a relief. How bad I am for thinking something like that. How tired I am of searching when I don't even know what it is I"m really looking for. Ladybug was the only pillar of hope in my life and now I'm never going to see her again. How I hate being a burden on my friends. I don't even know if any of them understand me because I don't even understand myself. I wish I would disappear. I curl myself up here below her. I can't even cry anymore? I just feel empty. I stare at my clawed hands for what feels like a very long time. I don't want to be confused anymore. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had things that are out of my reach. I've done this to myself, too.

"Cataclysm," I mumble. I watch the dark matter fall out of my palm in little bubbles and dissipate into nothing. Into nothing.

 

A firm hand grabs my arm and I open my eyes in shock. Wait! No. No! NO! Let me go! Please! I let out some sort of deranged noise, trying to pull my arm away from Dad but he holds fast. I'm not even Chat anymore. When did that happen? I didn't notice. I feel like it takes a really long time for my brain to readjust. I must have missed something. Why is my father even here?

"Let go of me!" I exclaim quickly once I remember that he knows who I am. 

"No. Stay right here. I'm not going to hurt you," he says. Am I supposed to believe that?

"Let go. Let go!" I repeat like a child. I can't even summon the strength to break away even though I know I am more than capable of it.

"Be quiet, Adrien," Dad commands. I feel myself completely freeze like I am holding my breath. This is an amazing reflex. This is a nightmare. I must be in hell.

"I won't let you use your power like that," Plagg's voice. I don't know where he is because I can't stop staring at Dad. I can't move. I am so scared. The look on Dad's face is totally unreadable. Nobody says anything else. My mind is just blank. I feel Plagg land on top of my head. My buddy! He's okay. Okay. I need to think. Where do I start? Is it possible to process this? I was going to destroy myself with Cataclysm and Plagg must have de-transformed me before I could. But Dad?

 

"How are you here?" I ask as I think the question. I'm surprised I remember how to speak properly. Maybe I can remember how to move next. I am going to have to find a different way to save myself from Adrien. I was so sure Cataclysm was the best way. Dad is talking but I don't really hear him. It's something about what I said about Mom earlier. That feels like years ago. So he came. For Mom. He only cares about Mom.

"I cannot lose you too, Adrien." Why not? You would have killed me. You were basically killing me my whole life anyway. No freedom. I was just a toy to you. I might as well have never been born. Someone else could have been CHat Noir and maybe it would have been someone that Ladybug would have loved. I pull my arm away but I don't stand up or otherwise move. At least he's not got his hands on me anymore.

"That's so selfish." I don't know what I'm saying or why. Dad frowns at me. It's a face that I am used to. He is disappointed in me. 

"You just don't want me to kill myself because of how much it will hurt _you_. It would be better if I just never existed. Just because you don't want to be in pain doesn't meant that I have to be."

"No, Adrien. That's not true. I am sorry about what I said to you today. I was too surprised that you were Chat Noir. My reaction was inappropriate and I didn't mean any of it. You are my precious son. No matter what you do. You are my whole world, everything that I do is for us." This is a really good speech, Dad. Too bad you didn't say it this morning.

"I'm not your whole world. You never cared about me at all."

"Just because you think that I don't love you doesn't mean that I don't. I am sorry that I don't express it in a way that you understand, but I care about you more than anyone else. You've become really an amazing man, Adrien. You are smart and responsible and funny and you have a strength of character that should be admired by everyone. Even Chat Noir has my respect. I am very, truly proud of you. You don't have to do something like this." I can't make my brain keep up with him. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm back to not knowing anything at all. Dad sits with me for a long time before one of us speaks again. It's me. 

 

"I don't think that you can help me. My problem is with me," I mumble, looking down at my hands. Cataclysm. The words cut through the building harshly. "It doesn't really matter what you say to me now, I'm grown up. I can't change what I think now. I want to believe you when you say that you love me and all that other stuff, and I do believe you- but inside my head it just doesn't... it doesn't."

"I was wrong how I treated you. I thought I was doing the right thing so that you would grow up safe and successful. That's all I wanted for you."

"You should have wanted me to be happy." I am fast. Faster than the rest of my brain.

"I thought that I was right. I am sorry. I am sorry about everything, Adrien. You're my son and I love you much more than you think." Alright. I am tired of listening to him say this. There is no way this can fit into my reality and it's exhausting.

"So what now?" I breathe. I want to go home and jump out the window now that I know I won't be able to use Cataclysm. Dad saying that he loves me does not change how much I don't love me.

"I'm not sure. Do I take you to a facility? Do I have you watched at home?"

"Just leave me alone!" That all sounds like prison. The same prison from before I was Chat Noir. Before school. Am I just the same person now that I was then? Is that all that Adrien is? Is that my answer to who I am?

"I can not do that, Adrien. I won't let you get hurt," he says. I scoff automatically.

"You do not have to have a high opinion of me or believe what I say that my feelings are, but we will sit here as long as it takes for you to regain your senses," Dad's eyes drift to Mom, though. This is where we unmasked him. Where I hit him and almost killed him. Would I have regretted it? Would I go back in time now to do it when I had the chance?

 

"I held out for a month. I'm just tired of trying now. I don't want to have to feel like this anymore. I can't stand it."

"We will help you tolerate it." What a weird way to have control over me.

"I want to be free like Chat Noir. I like Chat Noir because he isn't anyone. He belongs to everyone. He's the only good part of me. But he needs Ladybug to be anything. He needs Hawk Moth. I don't know anything anymore. What am I supposed to do now? It's so much better if I'm just... not." I don't know why I am confiding in my father like this now. He's the only one that knows my secret, maybe?

"There are plenty of people besides me that love Adrien. If I'm not good enough for you, what about Marinette? Or your other friends? They would be devastated. For Adrien, not just Chat Noir. That's worth something, isn't it? People really care about you as Adrien and you seem to have a good, happy life as him."

"I feel like I am pretending," I mumble. Some time passes. Dad tells me nonsense stuff about him and Mom. He tells me about Hawk Moth and how he akumatized people and what his strategies and methods were. He tells me about films that he likes and the first time he saw Mom on the big screen. He asks me about my face and I explain my stupid fall. None of it helps me, but it's not supposed to. It's just something to fill the silence between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid that Mari might come off bad here but she doesn't realize what she sounds like from Adrien's perspective. She just wants him to stop being stalker-y so she has to tell him as LB. She has no idea what's just happened with his parents. She knows that he is Adrien by now so she is trying to drop playful hints to help him realize and is having a little bit of fun by making him pick. Mari has no clue that she has compounded his very bad day, her intentions were truly to help him.


	18. Day 33- Carapace

I sit up with a start. Nightmare? I'm just in bed at home. My father is at my desk, working on his sketches. Probably next year's spring line. I have a band aid on my face now. I also feel horrible in the back of my throat. I shouldn't have let myself get so soaked yesterday. If I get sick it is really going to cut into my precious kissing-Marinette time. I squint over at the window, it's still raining. I check my watch, the battery is dead again. I guess that's just what happens when you do more than 45,000 steps a day. I still have my ring on too. As far as I know my father hadn't taken it while I was asleep. That's a relief. 

"My phone..." I mumble. I need to tell Marinette not to come over. I don't know what time it is, but it feels like time for her to come over. Dad gets up and hand it over to me. I still have all the unread texts from Nathalie from yesterday as well as a bunch of new ones from Nino.

"Is Nathalie home?" I ask as I text Marinette. 

"No. She is still quite angry at me about yesterday." I thought so. Otherwise she would be be the one here babysitting me. 

"I really like Nathalie. I've never really treated her as my mother but she's always been as good as she could be to me."

"Thank you for your approval." Dad's face remains stoic anyway. I rub my eyes. "Are you hungry? What does your kwami eat? It won't speak to me."

"His name is Plagg. There's camembert for him in the mini-fridge. Any dairy can be okay, but he's really picky."

"Mini fridge?" Dad makes a face. I manage to unwrap myself from my bed and I open a wheel of camembert. Plagg floats over and snatches it from me as soon as it's sliced without a word. I'm so glad I didn't accidentally kill him with Cataclysm. It was something that hadn't occurred to me as a possibility at all until after I had tried it. I'm stupid.

 

"What did the butterfly kwami eat?" I ask hesitantly. Just for conversation. I wonder if Dad was close to his kwami or not. 

"Flowers. I had deliveries scheduled from suppliers and everything."

"Me too but cheese. We spend a fortune on camembert."

"Adrien... speaking of Nathalie..." Dad trails off like he doesn't want to finish asking. We weren't speaking of Nathalie anymore, but okay. I take off my watch to plug it in. It doesn't seem to be charging. I fiddle with it.

"You really don't know who Ladybug is?" 

"Even if I did I wouldn't tell you. I've spent the last few weeks doing nothing but trying to figure it out. I can show you my research if you want."

"I believe that Nathalie may know who she is. To her credit, she has not shared the information with me. Who knows what I would do about it? I think that I can't control myself. I wouldn't want for you to tell me if you knew, either." Dad says. All this time I could have just asked Nathalie? I remember when we rescued Ladybug from Mayura, Ladybug hadn't been transformed because Nathalie had her Miraculous. Why didn't I realize that Nathalie would have known? But is it even within my right to ask her now? I told Ladybug I'd stop looking for her. Asking Nathalie wouldn't be keeping my promise. Is this irony?

"I saw Ladybug yesterday. She doesn't want me to know. I'm supposed to stop looking," I tell him. Dad nods his head in a very adult way like he understand her reasoning. I'm glad somebody gets it because I'm not sure that I do. This is actually very painful. 

 

"When I saw her she asked if I liked her or Marinette more," I tell him now because I have to tell somebody. Otherwise it will keep eating away at me like acid. 

"You chose Marinette?" Dad seems surprised. He does know how Chat feels about Ladybug, I guess. Given the number of times he's tried to use it against me.

"I can't just like... dump Marinette like that. I like being with her, she's perfect for me and you like her too. I don't think you'd enjoy it a whole lot if I brought Ladybug home one day," I grin. Shit it hurts to smile. Fitting.

"I would do my best to accept anyone that you were dating even if it were Ladybug or another man or Chloe Bourgeois or anyone." That's a little nice to hear. He might be a supervillain but at least he's not like... a bigot or something. 

"#parispowercouple is _almost_  worth giving Chloe a shot. It's a really good hashtag," I joke. I feel like I've talked to my dad more in the last two days than in the entirety of my life. Have I ever told him a joke before? It's a little hard to believe that him being Hawk Moth would have any positive outcomes like this at all. Is this even a positive outcome? I mess with my watch a little bit more. It's dead.

"If you say so."

"You do really like Marinette, though, don't you? I guess she's the kind of ideal daughter-in-law for you." She has that whole fashion designer thing going on. She's like the most _Parisian_  person I've ever met.

"You need someone in your life who is as kind as she is." He sidesteps that she's probably like the daughter he never had or something like that. Man, I picked somebody to date, didn't I?

"She's not just nice. Marinette's got a huge competitive streak and she can be really jealous. She gets angry when things don't go her way. She can't stand rude people or liars." I explain.

"That is a good person," Dad looks worried, "You are in love with her."

"She's amazing but not because she's 'kind' or has never been akumatized before." Is the point I had wanted to make. To praise Marinette's kindness is to not see who she is at all.

"And you would even still do what you did yesterday when you are so in love like this?" Oh.

 

"I'm fine now." I really don't want to talk about my suicide attempt right now. It will probably sink me right back down if I think about it too much. Nino. Nino can help . I type out a text to see what his schedule is today. I put in a cat emoji. Dad is talking but I'm not listening. I don't want to hear it. I wonder how far I can get Nino to go. I go to Amazon and buy myself a replacement watch. I pay for the extra fast shipping this time.

"so what do you want to do?" my father ends his speech. 

"I don't want to do anything. Still want to die. Are you going to lock me up here again? I have plans with my friends today." I mean, I technically don't yet but hey Chat Noir always has friends. I can go play with anyone out there at all. I turn on the television, there are riots happening somewhere. I'd be more interested if I didn't have my own personal crises happening.

"You need to at least speak to a doctor."

"So call Ed to come back over, you're blackmailing him, aren't you? Shouldn't be too hard to get a last minute consultation that way." Nino texts me back and he will come over in the afternoon.

 

"Fine," my father sighs. He must not have a phone or anything with him because he doesn't make any texts or calls. Nathalie probably usually does everything for him. That's wrong. He really shouldn't treat her like that, especially now that they are a couple or something. The news catches our attention with the mention of my superhero name. A copycat shot himself before he was taken into police custody following a hostage situation at a store in the suburbs. Shit. The real Chat Noir's been on radio silence for almost a week. Where is he and why hasn't he done anything? Thanks, news anchor. I'm wondering the same thing. I knew something like this was going to happen.

"You need to make a PR statement as the cat. Today," Dad says. I'm beginning to feel like a PR horse. First all that effort for Adrien and now Chat Noir? Isn't the point of Chat Noir that he isn't anyone?

"A statement telling people not to dress like me is literally the last post I made on all accounts last week," I groan.

"Good but you need to say something right away," Dad is turning to a new page in his sketchbook to probably draft an outline. 

"Why do you care about Chat Noir's reputation?" Because I don't think that I care about it. Someone has _died_. Even if they were being a criminal, they're dead. They're dead and they were dressed up as me. I am giving a cover of anonymity for evil. It's not enough that I was already just a nuisance. Now I'm a danger. My father hands me a very professional statement. I log in to Chat's side of my phone and I don't use my Dad's statement at all. Chat Noir isn't that kind of person.

 

<<I know the best how fun it is to be Chat Noir. I know why someone would want to hide behind a mask, those are all the reasons I'm still here as him. Having anonymity makes you the most honest version of yourself, for better or worse. I am heartbroken to see someone use that to do evil but I am also heartbroken that they are no longer here. When you hide who you are it's dangerous no matter what you decide to do with it. It is a risk every time I go out as Chat Noir and I have a lot of protection that you can't get in a costume. You don't have to be Chat Noir to be free or to be a hero, you can be you. Know your limits and put your safety first- always. Whether it's your body or inside of you. I know that I can't control who uses Chat Noir and for what, but I am going to ask you, Paris, to let me keep being me. -CN>>

 

I am still talking to Ed when Nino opens the door.

"Nino... did you text that you were here?" I stand up immediately. I don't even have my phone on my person, what an idiot.

"Yeah, your dad let me in," Nino seems really thrown my Ed's presence. I know, man. I know.

"This is Ed, who is my um... therapist. Ed, this is my best friend Nino," I introduce quickly. 

"Nice to meet you, Nino. I'll go ahead and get out of the way now. We should speak again tomorrow and I will have medication for you as well, like we discussed," he and Nino shake hands and it takes a few seconds after Ed is gone for Nino to say anything. I lock the door.

"Of course you find the hottest doctor in Paris, dude." Nino shakes his head at me, judging. I laugh even though my chin hurts.

"Dad found him. Nathalie and I are shook. He has no idea what he did. Ed's been here for three hours and I can't even remember what we talked about."

"You need to remember what you talk about in therapy," Nino grins back at me.

"Whatever. You're here now. I feel a thousand times better already.

"What happened with your face?" Nino points at me.

"I fell. Tripped in a storm gutter because I wasn't looking where I was going on a jog," I explain. It's not a lie. Nino nods his head slowly like I am hard to believe. 

"Do... you want to hang out for a while or just go ahead and do the walk now? Alya's given me more freedom than before, so I've kind of been looking forward to it," he says a little bashfully. So cute. He is so cute.

"What kind of permission are you getting?" I tease but I'm also _extremely excited_ too.

"Almost everything," he says it in a way that carries some weight. A lot of weight. I understand what he must mean. Anything he is interested in doing to me short of sticking our dicks in each other. This must be why he was bold enough to kiss me as a game award the other day. I wonder how long he's had this kind of permission. Bless you, Alya. For somehow being as cool as you are with this. I have to remember that I owe her bigtime.

 

"Wow." I said it without thinking.

"Yeah, so we should probably discuss what you're comfortable with and not. Now that it could be different."

"Nino. I will let you do literally anything that you want. I want anything that you are willing to do." I state immediately. He smiles at it.

"That might not be true. You don't know. And what about Marinette? We should probably have some safe words or signals," he puts his bag down and sits beside me.

"I thought using our real names was a good signal that it's gone too far."

"Sometimes I just want to say your name." Nino looks away. My heart spins. Holy. Shit.

"So what do you suggest?" I breathe. We work through some vocabulary. A word to completely stop, one for a small break, one for doing something later, a word for feeling bad like when I was blindfolded, and one for feeling guilty towards our girlfriends. I feel guilty about even having to have a word for that in the first place. And then hand signals for all of the words, too. Just in case. Nino quizzes me on all of it a few times. He goes to find where he's left my collar. 

"Nino... I almost forgot, but actually... I've done something really horrible so I really want you to beat me. Like, really beat me. You can still do whatever you were planning but I want to be in so much pain by the end that I don't forget it," I say. Nino looks at me like he's trying to read my face. He comes over to attach the collar to me.

"What was it that you did?" his voice is easy and kind and nice.

"It's a secret," I mumble. He won't do this catwalk if I tell him about yesterday's suicide attempt. I am acutely aware of that. But this is why I need the catwalk.

"You really do want to punished, not answering a question from me like that," he frowns, "Take off your clothes. All of them."

 

I unbutton my shirt, suddenly very self-conscious. Nino is watching me. I am literally a supermodel, I have nothing to be anxious about and I have stripped for rooms of people before. But it's _Nino_. I drop the shirt and blazer to the floor and stand to remove my slacks. I avoid looking at him now. What is he going to do? How far are we supposed to be going today? Is he still looking at me? What is he thinking when he's looking at me? Is Nino even attracted to men? I should have asked before. If he wants to do the kind of stuff Alya has to give permission for, then he must be at least interested in me a little bit? Or the psychological aspect of it?

"Okay kitty, go get the box of supplies," Nino instructs. A small pang deep in me- Ladybug. I retrieve the box of stuff and place it carefully on the coffee table. 

"Good boy," Nino takes his time fishing out the rope. He really likes this anticipation stuff, but I would rather be hurt immediately. Whatever he wants to do, Adrien. Remind yourself.

"Fold your arms, hold your elbows in your hands," he says as he's moving my arms into the position anyway. He methodically wraps the rope around my forearms until they look like just a log of coiled rope. This is taking forever. What Nino must really want is time.

"Does it feel tight?" Nino asks as he knots the ends.

"No, Daddy," I say. The rope is actually pretty loose. Due to the amount of rope I probably can't shimmy my way out of it but I can still slide my arms past each other a little bit. Enough to breathe. Not sure I like that.

"Don't lose your balance," he teases as he pulls on the long end of the remainder of rope and I follow him over to my bed. A leash. Good idea, man.

"I want to use candles, is that good?" a pause in which I nod at him hungrily, "If you want me to beat you, I assume you're okay with me leaving marks today?"

"Mark all of me, Daddy," my heart is racing. Something changes in Nino's face but I don't know what it is.

 

We both watch all of the muscles in my torso flinch in reaction to the first drop of wax near my navel. It solidifies quickly and the warmth is mild. It doesn't hurt, at least not on a level I would categorize as pain, but I will let Nino play it out. Watching my muscles react under my skin to the unexpected touch of the candle wax is interesting enough. Nino's right. I am ticklish.

"Do I keep going?" I can feel the tension in Nino's voice. I nod at him with approval. The next pool of red liquid drops closer to the tattoo at my hip. My tattoo. Ladybug.

"Erase it," I breathe, surprised by how husky I sound, "Cover it up."

"Lift your side," Nino agrees automatically. Most of him is too preoccupied with the open flame to maneuver me into the exact position that he wants, but I do my best so that the tattoo is the top most part of me. He shifts hi body a little, in with mine to provide support at my back with his thigh. The fabric of his jeans scratches against me. All of my senses are on high alert. He tilts the candle again and I watch the splatters hit against my branding. I tense the muscles there and hitch my breath for show, but I can feel my heart rate pick up regardless. It doesn't hurt and it's not hot but it's a heat that lingers, even after the wax hardens into a delicate silky surface. The visual alone is worth it. I want to reach out to have him bring the flame closer. Melt the wax that is already on me. Burn Nino into my skin instead. I am tied up so I can't make that move. I don't open my mouth to suggest it, either. Nino is focused on the task and on my body and I won't ask for more than what he is already giving to me. It's already more than I deserve.

 

The candle doesn't last as long as I think it does and Nino scratches at some of the random splashes of wax on my torso to rid me of it. Maybe he is checking to see if my skin is burnt but I am appreciative of the scratching.

"Da-"

"Who said you can speak?" Nino cuts me off quickly. He had been waiting for me to say something, I realize belatedly. Does he want me to really not say anything or is he setting up something so he can punish me for something arbitrary? I'll test it out somewhere in-between. I whimper. It's a question. I see the corner of Nino's mouth twitch. He's trying not to smile? There's something else here, too. Like affection. Does Nino like me? He likes me like this? Vulnerable? Powerless. My breathing catches. Is this really the moment to get hard? Before he's even hurt you, Adrien? It's just. How he's _looking_  at me. Somehow. What is this? I let my breathing pick up. I let my lips part with it. If he's going to look like he might think I'm attractive I'm going to do my best to convince him. This body has to come in handy for something. Nino reaches up to stroke his hand through my hair and I totally freeze. What are you doing? What are we doing? He tugs at it tightly. Oh. Good. I bite my lip. He pulls more, testing my pain threshold for it. I let my body react however it wants and I lean up towards his hand, no matter which direction. Nino grips in tighter and pulls me up this way. My scalp doesn't appreciate it and I scramble, armless, to stay with his hand. So now I am sitting, cross-legged and hunched over.

"Stay."

 

The first impact shocks me completely for a few seconds. Wow. He actually used some strength instead of relying on the object to  create its own momentum. It stings so much. It still stings. What's he using to hit me? The shock wave from the next strike washes over my body, awakening my skin like a rock chucked into a still pond. I expect it now. I'm prepared. I want everything. Nothing's happening. What is he doing? I can't hear anything. I dare to glance over my shoulder at Nino. He really likes teasing me, doesn't he? It's the crop in his hands for the first time. Oh wow. I wiggle with anticipation. 

"If that's what you want, maybe you should beg."

"Plea-"

"Are you going to talk?" This again. What am I supposed to do? I'm not allowed to move and I'm not allowed to speak. I stifle a noise deep in my throat. Frustrating. Nino's figured out that hitting me isn't a punishment. It's a reward. Just like the tender forehead kisses when I caught the amulet dangling from his fingers. I feel my head vibrating with anticipation. He is still making me wait? What am I going to have to do? What does he want? Maybe all he wants is my frustration. I whine again, like a puppy that was enjoying your attention and then doesn't have it anymore. Nino nods and brings his arm up and I look away, ready for the hit. It burns so much more than the candle wax had. I hear my involuntary welp. My dick suddenly brushes against the rope around my arms. Nino hits me again. I don't hold anything back, he doesn't want me to. I can't think. I lose count. The crop bites into my back and the pain spreads across me. Through me. My body tenses with expectation at the rhythm of the blows, but I don't know where they'll land. This is what I want. This tension. This pain. To suffer in delirious ecstasy.

 

"How are you, mon petit?" Nino leans in close to my ear. I can't control anything long enough to answer him coherently. Nino. Nino. I'm fine. I'm perfect. Perfectly purrfect. My back throbs with heat. Nino presses his hand against my cheek and I lean into it gladly, reflexively. Stop. Keep going. Something. Nino.

"Hey kitty. Stay with me, okay?" Nino says. Yes. I lean into him and the fabric of his clothes skims across my back and it hurts anew. Nino coos into my ear, if he's saying words I can't hear them. He wraps his arms around me, untying the rope from my arms. I whine about it. Don't stop. Don't end it. Nino's voice. Okay. I'm fine. I don't hurt anymore. Nino ties my palms together lightly. It takes so little of the rope, the rest just piles up next to us. My hands are just together like I'm praying. This is so funny.

"Don't wiggle out of it, Adrien," Nino commands softly into my ear. Me? No. I'll stay tied up for you. I can slip right out of it but I'll stay. I drop my head back against his shoulder. That move hurts too. My brain fully comes back online the second that he touches my cock.

"What?" I exclaim immediately, but it's too quiet.

"I haven't told you it's okay to speak," he mumbles. He's in my ear. He's around me. His hand is on me, pressing. I tighten the muscles in my thighs. I was already so hard. Nino is really doing this to me. This is real. Maybe I'm imagining it. His hand slips up and down my shaft, his grip tight. So tight. I let the noises come from my throat unimpeded. I can't speak to him. I feel the rope against the backs of my hands. 

"Stay still or I won't let you," Nino says. That's so mean. I press my wrists against my stomach, concentrating on my task with half of my brain. The other half is focused on Nino jerking me off. This is infuriating somehow. Even though I am so happy for it. I am really too close for this. I lace my fingers together and squeeze, desperately trying to direct the energy inside of me somewhere. Nino's chest against my back still hurts. Nino's hand at my cock is outrageous. I hold my breath. I can't. I can't hold on.

"Go ahead," he mumbles. I gasp at air and rock slightly. Holy shit.

 

"Are you okay?" his breath on my cheek. It is just as heavy as mine is. I've stopped seeing stars.

"Nino... keep going. It's not enough," I mean with the catwalk but i have no idea what he thinks that I mean. More. I want more of everything. He slides the rope off of my hands. 

"Just take a second to recover," he holds me to him. Nino. 

"I'm not beaten yet," I mumble. He shushes me and runs a hand through my hair. Feels nice. So nice. To be someone's. Nino's. The rise and fall of my chest gradually slows but I can feel my heart still pounding in my eardrums. How long is he going to make me recover for? I don't want to recover. I want to get totally wrecked. I hum at him, deep and long. He draws away from my obediently and I suddenly feel so cold without him. Alright well I regret that, then. He traverses around the bed to come in front of me. He carefully draws one of my legs out from under the other and then he extends the other too. I just blankly watch him do this? Am I a doll now? He runs a finger along the arch of my foot and I flinch away a little at it. Ticklish.

"Don't move," the instruction is so calm. Natural. I feel all of me tense. He pinches the inside of my ankle and I squeeze my toes harder. Is he really going to go back to pinching now? He digs his fingernail deep into the soft flesh there and I can't stop the cry that comes out of me. Ouch. How can that even hurt that much. I can't help it and pull my leg away. Nino climbs up on me, straddling my thighs. What are you doing? He leans in towards my face carefully. I can't do anything but look at him, my heart racing. Is he going to kiss me? Are we really going to kiss? I swallow. I can't kiss him. He nestles his nose into the small of my jaw and I feel him move to the base of my neck. I start as his teeth sink in.

"Daddy," I grip his shoulders quickly. He is biting _hard_. Oh dieu. Oh. OH. He is _marking me_. He did ask before. Wow. Wow wow wow. He releases and bites again by my clavicle. I whimper. This is amazing. He works his way over to my shoulder.

 

My mind can't keep up anymore. Between his pinches and teeth exists nothing else. My body absorbs all of it. There is nothing in the world I wanted more. He draws away and unbuckles his pants. I feel my heart totally stop. Is this happening?

"If you do good, I'll hit you like you asked before," he says. _Nino_. Jesus. Christ. He is just as hard as I am. Or was, I guess. I have literally no experience in this and I consider telling him that but I don't. Nino definitely already knows that I've never done this before. I pull myself up so that I am eye-level with his cock. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel it.

"Here, let's show everyone," Nino says just as I had steeled up all the courage I had to lick him. What? I glance up but I'm met with his phone. Oh.

"Video?" I squeak, mostly shocked that Nino would even _consider_.

"It's okay," is what he says. It's okay? Do you mean you're not streaming it to- that is probably what he means, he just wants to keep up the act by not saying it explicitly. I know that Alya will still see it. That doesn't bother me. Nino has really over-estimated my humility. But since he thinks he's being demeaning like this, I'll take it. I look straight at the camera lens on his phone and take his dick into my mouth. The noise he makes in response is worth it. I do my best, sliding my tongue where I can and applying pressure with my lips or my fingers. I kiss the tip before taking the whole length, which coaxes out an innocent groan. I experiment, using my whole mouth or just my tongue. Using my hand in tandem with my mouth, or tongue, or other hand. I suck on spots, or nibble. I dare to run my teeth along him. I think maybe I'm getting the hang of this, and I'm able to adjust easily to the instant feedback. I could really learn what he likes if I did this enough. Everything is wet from my saliva and I can feel the heat from his body at my face. The only rhythm I settle into is the one where I am massaging his balls with one of my hands, because I am focusing on what I am trying to do with my mouth. I can't believe I am actually giving my best friend a blow job right now. I've fantasised about this a million times, but this is really real. Nino spares one of his hands from the phone to bury in my hair with a tight grip, pulling me where he wants me. He climaxes really soon after that, holding me tight against him. What now? I look up at him for some direction but I can still only see his phone. I swallow it because that's what they would do in porn, I guess. Nino's chest is heaving, and his stomach pulls with it lightly. He releases his grip on my hair and I pull away sloppily. My chin and neck are wet from spit. This was really a mess. He tosses the phone onto the bed, staring at me. I can see he's having some sort of internal crisis. 

"Was that okay, Daddy?" I ask him. I don't want him to lose whatever headspace he needs to be able to hit me more like he promised. 

"Yes, pet," he almost stutters. I lay myself back down, the invitation clear. If we have to have some sort of weird talk about sexuality later, I can do that. But not right now.

 

Nino is relentless when he starts hitting me with the crop again. I savor it for as long as I can mentally hold out. Every impact feels real and new. It's not like when he was hitting my back before. My body is succumbing to the sensations so much easier now and it hurts that much more. The blossoms of heat against my back and my ass and my arms and my thighs all start to meld together in my brain. I don't want to start crying again, but a sharp snap against a spot that had already been hit on my thigh breaks through all of my control. As soon as he sees that I am crying, he stops.

"No," I complain mindlessly. Don't stop hitting. I'm not thinking straight. I can't even keep myself together. Don't think that crying means I'm done. "Please."

"Do you still want me to keep going?" he sounds breathless.

"Daddy." That's all I can think to say. I hear the way that it sounds coming out of my mouth and I feel ashamed about it. That's _pathetic_. Nino slaps my thigh in a non-committal way. I huff with frustration. I need more. I need it. He hits me again and again, aiming for the same spot. My brain finally turns off, consumed by it. I don't think I am crying anymore. Adrien is nothing. Into nothing. I am conscious of the spanks happening. I don't think I can feel them but I don't know. I'm so glad. Nino keeps going. Go forever. He's talking but I only hear the pitch of it. Some time the hits cease and Nino bites into my shoulder. He takes off the collar and I just stare at him blankly. Nino gathers me up to him. He is still talking. Oh. I'm shivering.

"Merci," I manage somehow. It sounds like someone else is saying it.

 

"Can I see the pictures?" I ask shakily. Nino leaves the gob of cream from his hand on my shoulder and gets up to retrieve his phone. He hands it over to me as he settles back behind me. It's his texts with Alya. She has got _stuff_ to say.

"Does it bother you that your girlfriend is jerking off to me?" I'm embarrassed by some of these messages. I finally get back up to the pictures and the video. Nino's fingers are really focusing on a spot that stings. 

"Not really. I mean... I look at porn, too. So it's only fair, right? We are pretty open about this stuff with each other," Nino explains, "If you and me keep doing this, I want her to watch sometime."

"I think I'd really like that too," I confess easily. These photos are horribly rude. I don't remember him stopping to take any of them, but there they are. They are probably worth a lot of money. If it wasn't me in them I'd probably pay a couple dozen euro for the photoshoot copies too. The video almost makes me hard again and I only watch a few seconds in the middle. At least I knew that one exists. Nino can blackmail me to the end of the world and back with this if he wanted to. He has so much power over me now, doesn't he?

"Hey Nino... what do you get out of this? You're not really the kind of guy I'd expect to enjoy bdsm. You couldn't even hit me before," I mumble. He's quiet for a few seconds but his hands don't stop working on me. 

"I know you're trusting me with a lot doing this and I want to trust you with something, too. It doesn't really make sense without it," he seems hesitant. I put down his phone.

"I will do anything for you, Nino," I assure. He crawls over to my side. 

"This is going to sound crazy but I swear I'm not joking. You remember one of the heroes? Carapace? That was me." What? Wait. All this time? Carapace is _Nino_? What?

"Holy shit. I'm fucking in love with you and I didn't realize you were Carapace? For five years?" I choke out. Nino winces. 

"I mean, there's no reason you should have noticed. And I know how you have a thing for Chat Noir. Carapace really isn't a cool or popular as Chat anyway, so I-"

"Nino, I am Chat Noir," I interrupt him immediately. I don't want to hear more about how cool Chat Noir is. "My Chat Noir thing is because I am Chat Noir. No guy that isn't Chat would get a tattoo like this one."

"Oh no," he breathes as it sinks in. Alright. Now I am up to four people that know my identity. Maybe five if the tattoo artist a few years ago wasn't an idiot. Ladybug will be so proud of me.

 

"I can't believe I had no idea it was you, dude," I say. I am still pretty thrown. 

"No. Hold on. Forget about me. Adiren, you... your parents, and LB..." 

"I don't want to talk about me. I'm too freaked out it's you! You're Carapace! I trust you with my life twice over! There's not anyone else I can say that about." They don't look alike. 

"You haven't posted anything in days... did something happen? You were upset the other day when you came over to my house, too," Nino continues in his own trail of thought instead of mine, "Wait, what was the bad thing you did that you needed to be punished for? It wasn't that criminal's death, was it?"

"No. It wasn't," I feel like I'm going to have to back up and tell Nino so much now. I can't just cold tell him about being suicidal or something, there would be no context for it. That feels exhausting and as much as I want to be honest about everything to Nino, I don't think my heart can take it. I just feel tired.

"I don't know where to start and a lot of stuff did happen to me that I feel terrible about and I don't think I can do it right now. Please just talk to me about Carapace." It sounds more desperate than intended. He's quiet for a few seconds. I think he is still reconciling what he knows about Chat Noir with me.

"We knew you were hurting, but... I am here for you, man. You know that?" he puts his hand on my knee. Carapace. I can't believe it. I still can't even begin to see it, but I know that he is.

"I used Cataclysm on myself last night. Apparently it doesn't work on me, but I did it. If it could work, I would do it again now." I can't lie to him. And I want him to know. I want him to help me, he's the only one that can.

 

"But Cataclysm..." I can see how hurt he is when he understands what I'm saying. I lean into Nino's shoulder. "We thought Chat was watching you but you've just been alone?"

"We can talk about this but not right now."

"Adrien..."

"My dad caught me and I've been talking to him and you saw Ed earlier and I'm just tired of it, Nino. I want to forget."

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with being cruel to you if you're already self-destructive. It's like you're using me to do it for you. I don't know if participating like this is healthy or ethically right," Nino's frowning at me.

"I need it to feel good and alive and maybe this is an outlet but I always feel better. And loved. Needed," I shake my head. Please don't abandon me, Nino.

"I don't want to lose my best friend. I am more scared of that than anything. I want to help you."

"You are helping and you can help more, but just leave the Cataclysm thing alone for a bit. I promise I will tell you as much as you want tomorrow."

"Alright. Can I tell Alya who you are?"

"Absolutely not," I say quickly. I'd wake up tomorrow to news crews outside my house.

"She's Rena Rouge," Nino says flatly. He knew exactly what I was thinking about his girlfriend.

 

"What?" suddenly a whole lot about Alya makes sense, and how she treats me when I'm Chat. Why she is so insistent that I don't look for Ladybug. Why Rena and Carapace are so close, how they immediately inexplicably trusted each other wholeheartedly and never stopped. Why she knows so many details about the inner workings of our fights and our magic and our strategy. "Don't let her tell Marinette. I want to tell her when the time is right."

"Mari... dude. What about Ladybug? Aren't you in love with her?" Nino blinks. I guess I am going to have to talk about this now. Again.

"Ladybug abandoned me and then made me choose between her and Marinette. I had to pick Marinette, Nino. But it hurts. My whole life has been Ladybug. I know Marinette's liked me for a long time and she makes me happy but I still feel like I've made a horrible mistake and I don't know how to face Marinette now. I feel like I've lost," I know how crazy I am starting to sound. Crazy just like Chat Noir is crazy, "I regret it so much and then I feel bad that I even regret it because I do also really love Marinette but I am supposed to belong to Ladybug."

"You don't belong to Ladybug. You belong to me," Nino says quietly. The air in my lungs is suddenly painful. I love him so much. He's saved me completely. I can't believe he could be this much to me.

"Nino, I want to kiss you," I manage to say. He leans over to make it a reality. We have too many questions. Too much to catch up on now. So much we have to discuss. It was already late but we stay up until dawn, reviewing our double lives with each other. Trying to make sense of it. I text Marinette not to come over for a few days because I have a cold. I can still feel it coming in the back of my throat and in the crack of my voice. I'm only using it as an excuse not to see her, because I'm sure that it's only the kind of thing you can catch from standing out in the rain.


	19. Day 34- Allergies

I drag myself forcefully out of the dream, willing my body to move. I groan. My body aches and I feel cold and the scratching at the back of my throat is prominent now. I have a dull ache in my sinuses that is going to make it hard for me to breathe by tomorrow.

"Adrien?" Nino's soft, sleepy question. Nino. Carapace. "Are you okay? Nightmare?"

"I guess," I mumble. I don't remember it, I don't really remember my dreams anymore. On some level I know that I'm reliving akuma attacks but it doesn't feel like anything important when I wake up from them. As long as I can sleep, it's fine. Three or four years ago I had gone through a phase of not being able to sleep, and Ladybug had comforted me through it. I miss my watch and get up to find my phone. It's almost noon. I let Nino know this and he groans heavily. He probably has school or a gig or something he needs to do. I sit at my desk and wait for the computer to wake, watching Nino try to motivate himself to get up. He rubs his eyes and his face with his hands. It's impossible to me to believe what happened between us. It's the kind of thing I had only ever daydreamed of. I can die happy. I sneeze miserably. Definitely have a cold.

"You never answered my question," I say when I think he's awake enough for it.

"Which one?"

"What is it you like about doing catwalks? Because you were afraid to hurt me in the beginning but you are really good at it the whole dom thing now." I know it is too early in the morning for this question but I still feel like I need an answer to it. Nino looks down at his lap.

"When we gave up our miraculouses, I felt really helpless. This... made me feel powerful and in control again. And I was really convinced that I was helping you. That I could protect you. But honestly it might be that I like that side of you. You just... you're you and to think that you could... you know. Maybe I am just into it and I didn't know before. Alya's not really... I couldn't hurt her or act like I'm above her but you want me to. It just works. The more I learn about this stuff the more I want to do and it's just because I know you'll let me. I've never had desires like that. I never thought I'd do anything with a guy, either," it spills out of Nino. I don't think I have ever known someone so intimately as I know him now that there are no secrets. Not even Ladybug. I know that he really loves Alya and I've definitely corrupted him with my perversion. 

 

"Is Alya doing okay without her Miraculous?" I ask, thinking of the drinking we've done together lately and catching her up really late at night on her computer. She wouldn't have the same kind of outlet that I've graced Nino with. And Chloe? Is she really as okay as I think that she is?

"She has nightmares too, but other than that she just seems bored. Alya was really invested in the Ladyblog. I don't think she knows what to do now. She probably thought it would last forever," Nino glances over at me quickly, as if he's just remembering who I am. I sneeze again.

"She misses Ladybug too," her attitude towards me has made that pretty clear, "She's mad at me for keeping it up."

"She won't me once she realizes why. We never really thought too much about who Chat Noir was. Cat feets like he's just his whole own person. Like you knew he couldn't be the same as his counterpart. You act the way you do as Chat because it's truer than Adrien."

"I'm sorry," I mumble. He's my best friend. I should have been more open with him all this time, at least with my personality. Everything just comes easier when I don't have my identity to bear. "I haven't talked to anyone about any of this before. About me.

"It's cool, man. I get it. you too. This is like... stuff about me nobody else knows," Nino assures, climbing out of the bed. I mumble the word for feeling guilty towards our girlfriends and he chuckles.

"I didn't get permission from Mari and I know for a fact that you didn't," Nino says, "So don't tell her. You're not allowed, okay?"

"I go crazy when I'm with Marinette. Like I'm totally delirious. I'll try. I don't like to lie," I take a few deep breaths through my mouth since my nose has suddenly stopped working. Nino frowns at me. Oh. This is like... homework? "Yes, Daddy. I won't tell her." Boy that sentence sounds bad on a lot of levels. But it should be an easy promise to keep if I just don't see Marinette like I had already planned.

"Good," Nino stretches lazily. I still can't see the physical resemblance between him and Carapace at all. Are they even the same height? Maybe I'm just really bad at this. I had been so sure about Eloise. Stop. Don't think about that.

"Let me pick an outfit for you," I stand stiffly. At least I am good at seeing when it comes to clothes. Or at least I think that I am. Maybe I'm not. What, what if I'm really not? How am I supposed to run a design label with zero sense? I should ask Marinette. Maybe she can let me know if I'm fooling myself. She's going to actual school for clothes. Nino is saying my name.

 

I give Ed his two hours with me and I gracefully accept his prescriptions while I ignore the words he's using to tell me how I feel. Like he can explain all of it. I don't want to know. I don't care. I don't want to think about it. But it is a little cathartic, letting go of this secret that I've guarded with my life for years. I'm going to tell Chloe. She's my dear friend, and was a hero too. And after hearing about Alya, I am a little concerned about her. I strap my new watch, fully charged, to my wrist and pack a wedge of cheese into my sports coat. I call for Plagg and we transform into Char Noir. I go out the window now that there's no real danger of anything being discovered if I do. I don't go through the hotel lobby this time, I just drop onto Chloe's balcony and rap on the glass smartly with my claws. Chloe's in a bathrobe and facemask but she lets me in and doesn't seem embarrassed to be caught like this.

"Good afternoon, your highness," I bow at her. She takes off the facemask and balls it into her fist pointedly.

"You know, you should really DM me if you want to come over. Or I can give you my phone number," she pouts. Oh Chloe, we have each other's numbers.

"Not really my style," though she does have a point. I do have a good method for contacting people now instead of just showing up on windowsills. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't thought about a lot of things. "I'm here today to check up on you, my liege."

"Check on me?" she scoffs immediately. I let my smile drop.

"I've not been okay. I recently met Carapace and he isn't okay, either. You're the only other hero I know. If you're feeling empty too I want to be here for you."

"You think I don't have better things to do?" she tosses her head and side eyes the ceiling.

"No... just..." I mumble, not sure what to say. I'm used to Chloe. I know she won't admit her pain. I'm her friend but I still am not sure how to broach this topic with her or how to get through to her. I sneeze, which quickly becomes a coughing fit.

 

"Are you sick?" she makes a face like she's grossed out.

"Allergies. Chloe. Nobody else is going to understand but me. You don't have to act mean. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Do you just want to hang out?" I offer. That might be all I'm capable of. She looks like she's considering it.

"I have a real estate meeting in two hours."

"Are you buying another hotel?" Sometimes I forget who Chloe is. And that she actually works. And that she's somehow good at it.

"Mmn hmm. So maybe we can meet up again some other day," she looks proud of herself.

"Okay. DM me if you need me, Queenie." Guess that I'm not revealing my identity to her today after all.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know," I nod, heading back to the balcony.

"Hey, Chat," she stops me. I look at her expectantly.

"Did Carapace do that to your face?" she asks. I reach up to the bandaid at my chin, long forgotten. Oh, Chloe. That's the one thing that Carapace _didn't_  do to me.

"No. I kissed him, though," I smirk, extending my baton and jumping. All of that did really not go according to plan. But I do know for sure now that Chloe isn't okay, either. Something about that makes me feel better, and I feel guilty that I feel that way.

 

Today in my endless weird Chat Noir tourism inspired by the ever diligent internet sleuths, I go to the Ménagerie zoo. I think that the only other time I've been here was in high school, even though Sorbonne is basically next door. It was when I was trying to coach Nino through a date with Marinette. Well. Wow, that's maybe a bit to unpack later. I think that there was an akuma attack that day, too. If I remember right. Maybe I'm filling in everything I'm not clear on with akumas. It's nice here though. Definitely a good spot to bring Marinette to on a date. Being here as Chat is resulting in _a lot_  of photographs with people and their children and some babies. I take a selfie with the enclosure for the Spotted Marsupial Cat. It's not a good photo and you can't really see the animal, but it hits the right irony notes for me so that's what I post up. <<Chat Moucheté! Even cuter than me! #ménagerie #catsofinstagram>>

I go to the Gallery of Evolution building and stroll through the glass halls, my sickness pounding in my head relentlessly. I deserve it. There are even more kids here than in the zoo, somehow. I see their eyes all sparkles when they talk to me. At least I am still a hero to them. It takes a really long time with all the kids, so I leave and stroll casually along the Seine. I walk almost all the way back home like this except that I meant the ice cream guy on Pont des Arts. It's really a fitting place for him to be, I guess.

 

"Chat Noir! Would you like a cone? On the house, of course! Or are you still on a diet?" he offers jovially. At the mention of the word 'diet' I remember that I haven't actually eaten anything today at all. I had half-expected Chloe to feed me. I accept the treat from him and lick at it as I continue my walk. I wish I had brought Marinette with me today. THis would have been a great date. She would have liked it a lot. Instead I just went at it alone as Chat Noir. Who is alone now, basically. When am I going to have the courage to see Marinette again? What am I even afraid of? That my feelings for her are too real or maybe that I will give away how heartbroken I am over someone else? She will know my pain and I won't be able to hide it from her. I sneeze again and one of the ice cream scoops slips to the ground. That feels like the saddest thing that's ever happened to me. I quickly eat the rest of it and duck into a nearby restaurant for some real food. Everyone is still delighted to see Chat Noir even when they aren't children, which is good news to me. I expected for Paris to immediately turn their backs on Chat. I'm so uplifted by it I perform some various heroic acts before going home. Including but not limited to: ensuring a moped accident is avoided, helping a drunk person into a taxi and paying for it, changing the lightbulb at a back alley entrance, and helping a man find his dog. Definitely keeping Paris safe, here.

 

Marinette's in my room. Shit. She looks up from her phone and sees me. I can't run now. I sneeze. Again. Ugh.

"Chat Noir?" she asks after a long pause of us staring each other down, like she doesn't know what to do either. 

"What's up, Princess? Where's Adrien?" I make eyes at the bathroom like I'd be in the shower or something. Wow. What am I insinuating here?

"I don't know. He said that he's sick, but he's not here." Marinette. I regret sneezing earlier. She isn't dumb like I am and she's already suspected me once.

"I must have caught it from him." I act like this is new information.

"You went to the zoo today?" Marinette asks conversationally. I'm satisfied that I've covered enough.

"You follow me? I feel really honored! Should I follow you back? Would that be too weird? I don't follow people." Just Chloe. And a lot of cats. The rest is all police and Ladybug news sites and of course points of interest around the city. Some restaurants. Places I go. PSG, too, now that I'm into that.

"Of course I follow you," Marinette grins briefly, "Did you give up on Ladybug?"

"How did you know?" I feel my smile fall. I want to hug her right now but I can't do that as Chat. 

"I didn't know. I only asked you to. When you came to my school," she says. I swallow. Man, my throat hurts.

"I didn't listen to you. I should have."

"So you've given up now?" she asks.

"Yes. I won't make your boyfriend do any more stalker stuff, either. Come on. I'll take you home. I don't think he's coming back." I say. I don't know what else to do.

"Why not?" she asks innocently. I freeze. There's something just impersonal enough about this.

 

"He attempted suicide the night before last. He's probably too ashamed to face you," I say. Her eyes go wide. 

"Adri-"

"I don't think it had anything to do with you, Princess," I interrupt her quickly. She looks so pale. I shouldn't have said anything. What do I say now? What have I done, here? "He's okay now. Let me take you home."

"He doesn't want to see me?"

"I'm sorry," I shrug. I don't know what to say. Or to do. At least I won't have to tell her as Adrien. There is a stiff silence.

"Chat Noir, I need you to know that I love Adrien. He is who I've always loved. I want to help him," Marinette is wonderful and I love her too. "He doesn't have anything to be ashamed of when it comes to me. I can accept all of him. No matter who he is or what he does."

"Yeesh Princess, I can tell when I've been rejected," I smile not because I'm cracking a joke but because of what Marinette said. Is it possible to feel this much affection for someone? It is taking everything that I have not to kiss her. I need to turn back into Adrien as soon as possible so that I can push her back down against the couch and fill her with my love.

"You're not listening, Chaton."

"I'm sorry. I'm going to go. Are you sure you don't want a lift home?"

"I will wait for Adrien to come back," she sets her eyes on me with some sort of coldness. Like she is expecting something from me. I really don't like that. I leave unceremoniously and detransform in an alley nearby, anxious to get back to my girlfriend. I can't believe I wanted to avoid her. What was I so afraid of? I climb up the side of the house and scramble unpracticed through my window. I try to act surprised that Marinette is there, she is still standing exactly where Chat Noir left her.

 

"Welcome back," she stutters. I feel like I hear Plagg's laugh. Did I forget to change back? I glance at my hands- human.

"Marinette?" Still pretending to be shocked. She moves quickly to draw me into a tight hug.

"I can't talk about it," I tell her, the tears welling up in me. She says nothing. I am somehow able to stay composed. The warmth of her body against mine, the pressure of her arms at my back. It's everything. Oh. Maybe I just do need to be touched. I let it go on for a while, maybe Marinette will dutifully stand here hugging me for the rest of time. She probably will.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you if my sense of fashion is actually really bad?" I pull away out of consideration for her.

"Your sense of fashion?" she squeaks in confusion. 

"I just... realized I was not really good with visual stuff, so I thought maybe I just look dumb all the time?" I smile at her hopefully.

"You're not good with auditory stuff either, I can't believe Chat Noir trusted you to run sound analysis," she shakes her head, and then realizes that she's messed up somehow, "I mean. You're way stylish! Your fashion sense is spot-on, you don't have to worry about that." I can't tell if she's being serious or if she's just jumbled or if she's just trying to make me feel better. Chat Noir probably shouldn't trust Adrien to do anything, she's right about at least that. I am going to trust her to not be too much of liar, because I know that she isn't anything but honest. The doubt still tugs at me.

"Just checking. I just feel like I am much more stupid than I thought that I was."

"You're not stupid. You were valedictorian."

"Stupid in everything else," I laugh lightly, kissing her.

 

She easily shuts down my advances for sex, so I curl up with her on the couch, having pulled over all the blankets from my bed.  I am sick, and she has decided to take care of me. The news is running on mute on the TV and she is saying something about my favorite pair of sneakers from back when I was like 15. I give it to her that those were bad, but argue they were really cool at the time. We both fall silent as the news topic shifts into Chat Noir. I feel my body tense, but it's just benign gossip about the hero at the zoo. They criticize that while all this goodwill is nice, Chat isn't actually protecting anyone from anything. I look away, pushing my face into Marinette's thigh. I should have been focused on crime or something instead of blindly only looking for my lady.

"Everything else is too dangerous now. It's not the same thing as when he was fighting people with magic powers, is it?" Marinette mumbles softly. I turn my neck to look up at her. That is a pretty good point. I hold in a cough.

"It hasn't been that long. He'll figure out something to do," I say. I can't just let people talk about me without a defense, even if this defense is weak and only given here to Marinette. She pats my head and I curl up against her.


	20. Day 42- Rena Rouge

She had beaten me in almost every sparring match that morning, or maybe yesterday morning now technically. The image of her standing over me victoriously, with disheveled clothes and hair, heavy with sweat had not left my mind all day. So to see Marinette now, looking so different and so chic in a black halter top and pink, shimmery pencil skirt shocks me a little bit. She is so beautiful. I feel like I think that sentence all the time. I take her waist in my hands and lean in close to her ear so that she can hear me above all the pulsing club music as I tell her as much. I feel like she probably blushes. I pull her hand, guiding us over to meet back up with Alya. Today's my first time actually seeing Alya since she knows who I am but we haven't mentioned anything about it to each other yet. We are all here to see Nino's show, he's going to spin some new songs or however you say that when you're a DJ. Nino's actually the headliner tonight, which is a really big deal and be's been working really hard lately. It's not his first big show but Nino's jitters have been as bad as if it were all week. He had taken his anxiety out on me during a catwalk the day before and the marks are still there, which is very unusual for him. Even his bite marks usually don't last through the night, so I know he's been stressed. Alya kisses Marinette's cheeks and then pulls me in again for it too. I yell that I am going to go get us drinks and I peel away, watching as they huddle together like magnets. I feel a light uneasiness at the fact that Alya is definitely closer to Marinette than I am even though I know that jealousy is really dumb in this case. The floor is very crowded because it's late in the night already and I have a wait for a bit for my turn with the bartender.

 

It is very hard to carry three cups through the crowd and I only manage thanks to my cat skills. Alya downs her cocktail quickly, I am actually pretty impressed by what a power move that is. She gives me another round of cheek kisses, too. I don't know if all of this is because of Chat Noir or the visual content that Nino has been sending her of me, but I don't mind either way. The three of us dance, Marinette and I doing our best not to spill our drinks and Alya with an endearing wildness that is so typical and true of her. I see Rena Rouge in it, I really do. She drags us over to the bar with her and I hear that she is ordering shots. I hesitate a little as she places a tiny glass in my hand. The last time I did shots didn't end well, but I clink glasses with her and Marinette and tip the liquid into my throat anyway. Same with the next three. I pay for our twelve tequilas and link arms with the two women, newly enthused. Nino's set starts and we go wild. He's cool. He look so cool and it sounds so cool and this is awesome and I love it and I love him and I love Marinette and I love Alya. We jump around wildly in time with the beats and I let it course through me. This is amazing. I take a few photos over the heads of the rest of the crowd and do my best to pick the clearest one to post. As Chat. I tag Nino's music account. This is probably an abuse of power, but I don't really care. This is still something Chat would do, and has done before. I pull Marinette to me, dancing up against her. My hands at her waist, her back, her hips. I am euphoric. I kiss her enthusiastically, deeply.

 

When it's over, we get more drinks and manage to snag one of the couched lounge nooks along the side of the venue. People are mostly filing out now, it's almost 2am and the show is over but there are a surprising amount of stragglers like us. I feel pleasantly exhausted and sweaty and I'm really considering if I should start joining Nino when he goes dancing. We all talk excitedly with each other, on top of each other, loudly. I love it. We are all full of pride for our friend. That was an amazing show. I drape an arm around Marinette, again completely mesmerized by her. We've all gone clubbing together before several times, but I had never specifically danced with her before. All those wasted trips. How could I be so blind at how wonderful she is? She is a little breathless, too, a hint of sweat at her hairline. She smells magnificent and I love it. She and Alya are talking but I can't really hear any of it even though the volume in the club has lessened considerably. I think it's still about Nino. I don't care. There isn't anything they can say about him that I don't know. I learn over to kiss Marinette's ear and she predictably turns red at it. I grin and lean further in to start whispering about how beautiful she is and a great dancer and how much I want to take off her honestly really great outfit, and to plunge my fingers into her and make her moan and- Marinette pushes me off with a deep embarrassment. She's biting her lip, though. She didn't _not_  like it. I think. My eyes somehow drift off her to Nino, who looks very amused. I suddenly register Alya's giggles too. Oh. I probably shouldn't tease Marinette in that sort of way in front of our friends. 

 

I lean across behind Marinette to clap Nino on the shoulder.

"That was an awesome set, bro! Lemme buy you a drink," I go to stand. He holds up a glass in response and we all laugh. I am satisfied that I've save the situation from my own awkwardness with even more of it but I still mostly just want to take Marinette to some dark corner and fuck. I try to push it out of my mind but the desire persists in me anyway. It takes a lot of restraint to keep my hands mostly off of her, more restraint to keep my lips off of her, too. She and Alya excuse themselves eventually to go to the ladies room together and I watch them go. My chest aches.

"Dude, you were not kidding when you said you're crazy around her," Nino smirks at me. I blink. He hasn't seen us together yet, not really. 

"I can't control it at all," I laugh, "I keep waiting for the feeling to cool off but it doesn't."

"Obviously," he is still smirking at me. I hate it. I feel like I want him to be jealous even though that is definitely the opposite of what I want.

"Saw your post," Nino says next.

"One time favor, especially since nobody saw him here today."

"There were like a thousand people, nobody is going to think twice," Nino is giddy.

"Did I already tell you that you were awesome?" I clap my hand against his shoulder again. He laughs bashfully. The girls come back and Marinette occupies all of my consciousness again. We all drink and laugh and gossip until the club closes for the night and we are in a taxi to Nino's.

 

Alya and Nino are definitely making out next to Marinette in the back, but I can't give them shit for it since I would have certainly done the same if they had allowed me to sit next to Marinette. I feel like they are acutely aware of that. I expect to feel jealous but I don't. At least not in the same way that I had felt earlier with Marinette's attention on someone else. Man. Am I really going to be one of _those guys_  about her? I don't really want to be that way. I am going to ask Ed about it the next time. Hello, very attractive therapy man. How do I not be a total creep? That'll go over nicely. The four of us stumble out of the taxi in various stages of intoxication and begrudgingly climb up the stairs to the apartment. It slowly occurs to me that I probably won't be able to sleep with Marinette here. At least not in the way that I want to. I should have taken her back to my house instead. She and Alya lean on each other, giggling as Nino unlocks the door and ushers everyone inside. He is definitely the most sober, which is a shame since we are supposed to be celebrating him. I look at my watch. It's almost 4am. Alya's had the sense to set up an additional spot for sleeping in the living room. That's good. Nino is pouring out glasses of Perrier for everyone.

 

"Hey Andi, are you doing okay?" Alya takes my arm, "I haven't seen you since it happened and you know you can talk to me, right?" She still seems very drunk and that's why I know it's sincere. Very real. Talking has been doing a lot for me yet, it just makes me feel bad over and over.

"I'm okay now," I laugh it off.

"That's bullshit. You're a mess and we are your friends."

"Alya," Nino says in a warning tone. She is obviously going to ignore him.

"We would all be miserable if you were gone." Alya. I like you so much, why do you want to fight with me?

"Does that cancel out how miserable I feel now?" I am getting really tired of this selfish argument everyone has. Just their feelings are important.

"No, but _now_  can be fixed. We couldn't fix it if it's too late. We don't want you to give up, we want you to be happy." Oh. That's not something anyone has said to me. It makes sense, but I know I'd hate hearing that if I were in a slump. I'd probably hate it if I were any less boozed up than I am, actually.

"Thank you," I mumble at her in a stupor. The words hang in the air. Nino sets his glass down on the counter and it sounds really loud.

"Do you want to talk about what kind of things you were thinking about? You don't have to give us reasons why you decided to do it, but I want to hear what you thought of. What was important," Alya's arm is now firmly entwined with mine. I lean into her, I don't know if it's because of the alcohol or just because someone is touching me.

"You can tell us, Adrien," Marinette sounds soft. I want to curl up into her. I want to do a lot of things into her, though.

"I don't even know where to start," I am going to have to leave out a lot with Marinette here but I don't want to do it without Marinette, either. It would be wrong to keep even more from her. I know right now is not a good time to let the cat out of the bag, even though I've wanted to more and more through this past week while I was sick. I want to lay all of me out for Marinette like I had with Nino, but I am too scared. Alya pulls me onto the couch with her and Marinette. I look at Nino, pleading silently. I see the muscles move in his jaw but he says nothing.

 

I shakily say something about my mom, the nerves unraveling my voice. The girls clutch at me with encouragement or comfort, but nobody says anything. Nobody laughs. Nobody says anything with any sympathy at all, and that's good. Really good. I venture next with something about her being dead and how I always blamed myself for her not wanting to stay with me. I move on to Dad. I'm saying things I didn't even know that I thought. Nino sits on the coffee table in front of me and that makes it easier. I confide about my fears of being trapped or left alone because I'm not anything more important than an animal. I tell them how inexplicably scared I am that I will wake up one day and be rejected by everyone that means anything to me. I can't stop myself and more about my dad comes out of me, how I am horrified that he's Hawk Moth and has hurt me and all of my friends directly and indirectly. And then I am just talking about him him. How I used to tiptoe. How much I always hoped he would agree to even the smallest of my requests. How bored and sad and lonely I was all the time before I convinced him to let me go to school. How I worked so hard so that he would be proud of me and he never was and how he never noticed me at all until I wasn't within his control. How much I abused that because it made him look at me even though the words he would say were not the ones I wanted to hear and they hurt. I say how there was someone who always said what I needed, who always saved me and let me be who I was and they've left and how it feels just like when my mom left. How I think I might be becoming like my father because of it and nothing scares me more than that does.

 

"You have been a little obsessive about everything lately," Alya says, obviously talking about how I've been as Chat. It's the first thing anyone besides me has said since we sat down. Man Alya _does not like Chat_. Drinking was a mistake. I am blaming the shots. I know I sound like a crazy person rambling like this.

"Do you think I'm like my dad?" I swallow.

"Maybe you get it from him, but you're not a Hawk Moth," she says, "You're a good guy and you're upset like this because you're a good guy."

"Have you talked to your dad?" Marinette says quietly. I've somehow almost forgotten about her. I don't know how, I had been trying to scheme a way to sleep with her not even ten minutes ago.

"He's saying everything that I've always wanted to hear but it's too late now," I rub my face. I am suddenly hit with just how exhausted I am. It is so early in the morning and we are still awake. 

"THe damage is already done," Alya nods her head.

"I know I'm old enough to leave and never have to see or think about him again but I still want so much for him to be proud and to acknowledge me. I need his attention so much. I want to stay together and it's stupid and I'm stupid." I groan. "I want a family. Even if it's just with these really evil people, I can't stop myself."

"Because you love them and you are kind. It's really brave of you to want to try," Marinette's hand tightens against mine. It sounds like how Ladybug told me that letting Hawk Moth go was the kindest act she'd ever seen. Don't think about Ladybug right now. She is gone. My friends are here. I look at Nino, who has been extra quiet.

 

"I thought I was mad at your dad but now I am really mad at him," Nino offers me, seeing my expectation. Right. I've forgotten he's ride or die Nino. He will do anything for my sake from being akumatized to BDSM. I wonder passively how far I would go for him. 

"Dad's harmless now," I say quietly. I don't want Carapace to go to beat up my dad just for no reason or something. Not that he would.

"You are harmless too, you'd never do something like all of the things that Hawk Moth did," Marinette assures. I catch the apprehensive look that Nino and Alya share with each other and I remember that Alya has been doing is telling Chat Noir not to get crazy. Not to become a villain myself. They know me the best, and they are worried I could become just like my father. Exactly what I am afraid of, and here is my confirmation that my worries aren't unfounded. That I am not stable. How extreme and single-minded I can be. And I still have superpowers. Unlike everyone else. Nobody would be able to stop me. That makes me dangerous. I hadn't considered that I was dangerous. But I can't give up Plagg. I can't give up the only true freedom in my life.

"I need some fresh air," I pry myself out of Alya's hold and remove my hand from Marinette's. Nino announces that he's coming with me.

 

We are silent until we hit the sidewalk.

"Do you know where Master Fu lives? If I ever go bad and put anyone in danger, please stop me." I say.

"I don't think you would hurt anyone," Nino shrugs. I turn and start walking, the cool comfortable air in my lungs and the darkness a comfort. If I were alone I'd go up to the roof tops and run. "I'm more worried about you and Mari."

"Dad thinks that I'm using her and she's going to be hurt by me," I say, "He really likes Marinette."

"You guys are perfect for each other but I kind of think that too. Like you just swapped all the obsessive stuff about Ladybug and put it on Mari. And you've never really had any... restraint with anything. A little inconsiderate, too."

"Great. Thanks. That gives me a lot of confidence that I really am going to end up hurting people."

"You won't, but love is different," Nino takes the sleeve of my jacket between his fingers to slow down my pace. "I thought it was funny, but now I don't. You're acting a little bit like a possessive creep, just like with Ladybug." Possessive creep. Great. Very encouraging words to hear from my best friend. It was bad enough when I called myself that.

"I can't help it. I don't know what to do. I've never known love from anybody before. I really don't want to lose it. I don't think I could handle losing it. I feel myself slipping away at even the possibility of Marinette leaving me like Ladybug. Or you leaving me," I tack on, "It's so scary even knowing it's a possibility that I want to die. I know I'm being super irrational about everything because of Ladybug and my father but when I'm with Marinette I literally can't stop thinking about her for a second. I know it's fucking crazy but I get all messed up on hormones or something and I honestly would just giver her everything. I don't want her to leave my side for a second so I can protect her. I just biologically want her and it's so intense my brain doesn't even exist anymore," I really sound like an insane person right now, "Like her fucking smell and her voice and everything messes me up completely. My physical need is disgusting- she makes me drunk on just her. Like if this is half of what my father felt about Mom, what am I if something happens to Marinette?"

 

"Dude, that's like... not healthy," he mumbles. My pulse is ringing in my ears.

"If we were in an actual relationship, would you feel that way about me?" Nino asks. It only sounds curious, not a hint of jealousy.

"I'm totally different when I'm not reigned in, huh?" I chuckle. I see a smile threaten Nino's serious face. "I go crazy over you, but it's not this 'creepy' way, If you abandoned me it would probably hurt a lot more. I'd be very lonely."

"I'm not going anywhere, bro."

"I'd pick you over Ladybug and Marinette," I say. Nino side-eyes me for a moment, thinking.

"That's gay."

"It is," I respond immediately. He laughs.

"What does that make me?" his question catches me off guard. I knew we'd get here but I'm not prepared right now. I catch sight of a bench and head for it.

"I don't know, Nino. You can just think of me as the exception if that makes it easier." I'm not going to make assumptions for him or suggest that he's pan or bi or straight or anything. Because I don't really know and it's also not my place to tell him.

"I'm not sure. I did think your therapist was super hot."

"Because he is super hot," I laugh. "Anybody would notice that."

"He's almost as hot as you. I bet he was a model, too."

"Ed's not tall enough," I shake my head. Nino stares like he's calculating it up. I shift. 

 

"What I do know is that you love Alya," I say to him. Because I do know it.

"I know that too," Nino nods his head in agreement.

"So you know that your life won't change a whole lot no matter what label you pick or even if you don't figure it out right now. It took me a long time to come to terms with it for myself, really. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. And it was Chloe who just... said something about Sabrina's feelings for her and I was just like... I understood it. Like 'oh yeah, I guess I really am bi and I am in love with Nino.' Then she tells Chat Noir the other day that he's bi because he just has no standards. Can you believe that?" I huff, getting sidetracked. Chloe has still not reached out to me.

"If you don't have standards, what does that say about me?" Nino jokes. His glasses glint in the streetlights and he looks exhausted. He's gorgeous. And Carapace. This is Carapace and Nino. I am so glad for it.

"You're cool and honorable and an awesome fucking musician. I love you. My life would have been even more horrible if you weren't my friend. I appreciate everything you do for me, I really do. Even if I had the highest standards, you would still meet them."

"Thanks," he looks down at his lap and reaches for his hat brim that isn't there. It's so Nino. He pushes his hand across the top of his head instead with a sigh, "I don't know what to tell Alya. I don't want her to think that she's not enough. She is. Or she would be if you just weren't so..."

"Completely desperate for affection?" I fill in with the most extreme conclusion I can think of. Nino nods his head and then yawns.

 

"I can't explain away my feelings about you and there's no denying it's definitely satisfying something. I don't see myself ever pursuing another dude, though." I feel pretty special, but I can tell he is still really conflicted about it. I want to say something reassuring and encouraging since I kind of know what it feels like. I don't know what to say. Why do words only fail me when I need them?

"You can take your time, man. And we'll love you just the same." is what I come up with. I guess. Nino stands up.

"Let's go back to the girls who... what was it? Make us drunk on lust?" he teases as we start our way back to their building.

"You laugh but I am serious. I just black out." I'm laughing too. Nino pats my back sympathetically. I shake my head, almost all of my fear from earlier coming back to me. I am one or two unlucky days from being the next Hawk Moth. I should neutralize myself before I'm an actual threat.

"Try to reel yourself in or at least be self-aware about what you're doing. You sound like you want to keep her hostage or something," Nino says. Hold her hostage like my dad holds me hostage, he means. "Don't knock her up, either."

"I'm crazy but not stupid, Nino," I feel scandalized. I do have _a little bit_  of self-control! I won't do anything she doesn't want, especially not that.

"Hey man, you were the one crying about the wanting a whole family thing earlier."

"That is not what I meant."

 

I wake up literally on top of Marinette on the couch. My head on her stomach and hand at her shoulder. My legs entwined with hers. I am flooded with immediate happiness. I love her. I love her so much. She is wearing one of Nino's shirts, which basically just swallows her but I think it's adorable. Best thing to ever happen to me, probably. I push up the hem of the tee and press small, gentle kisses against Marinette's skin. She, predictably, stirs under me but I keep at it. 

"Adrien," she says my name in a groggy, sleepy haze. I relish in it, slowly pushing my fingers further up her chest.

"By all means, please continue," Alya. I feel Marinette jerk away in a flash of shock and embarrassment. My body feels so cold without her. I squint at Alya, who is perched across from us in a chair, legs crossed and a mug of coffee in her hand.

"You are a dirty voyeur," I critique, the annoyance at having been interrupted obvious in my tone even to me.

"Settle down there, tabby cat," she laughs at me. I rub my eyes and find Marinette curled up on the other side of the couch, red as she could be.

"Good morning Marinette," I say comfortingly like I'm apologizing. Alya laughs again. Obnoxious. I love it. I check my watch, it's not a weekday so that's why my alarm didn't go off. I obviously needed the sleep though. It is, again, almost noon. I note that according to the watch this still means I had less than five hours of sleep. Cool.

"I think I'm hungover. How are you?" I don't know if Alya's talking to me or Marinette so I just shrug. I don't feel that bad.

"I'm tired," Marinette mumbles.

"I'll get you a coffee. Adrien, take a shower while I try and wake up Nino. Let's brunch." _How_  can a woman who complained about being hungover not even two seconds ago can manage to say the words 'let's brunch' in such a cheery way like that? I don't know.

 

We are like zombies. Our table is nearly silent as we all pick at our various breakfasts. Alya, who had coaxed everyone here with so much enthusiasm is now holding her head in her hands and hasn't touched her bloody mary at all. I'm probably going to drink it for her. I don't think she is going to notice. My phone goes off just as I'm about to reach out for the glass, having just finished my own. I glance around before I answer, it's obvious none of them are going to offended by my rudeness right now. They aren't even looking at me. How is it that I am the most sober one? It's Nathalie. My stomach clenches a little. I've done a great job completely avoiding her since I learned that she is the only one in existence that knows Ladybug's identity.

"Nathalie," I say quietly, watching Marinette shift in the seat across from me. As much as my parents like her, Marinette doesn't seem to return the affection. At all. I wouldn't if I were her, either. Especially after all that stuff I said about them last night. This morning. Whenever it was.

"I just wanted to remind you that we have a group meeting today. You have one hour to come home," she says. A _group_  meeting. Nathalie. So discreet. I like you.

"I forgot. I'm at brunch," I answer.

" _Oh_ ," is the understanding response. I don't understand what she understands, but Nathalie knows me pretty well so I'm going to let it go. "One hour. Do you need me to send a car?"

"I don't ride in cars sent for me," I remind her, biting into my celery stick, hoping the noise annoys her. It annoys my friends, that's for sure. I think Alya groans. This has been my protocol for a long time now, almost three years. I was just tired of being _retrieved_. Not something most adult men have to deal with.

 

"I have to go to to family therapy later," I offer immediately after hanging up so that none of my severely hungover friends has to muster up the strength to speak. I take Alya's bloody mary because she is _not_  going to touch it.

"Isn't that what made you Cata-" Nino stops himself. We both look at Marinette to see if she has a reaction but she is still chewing distantly on her quiche. Okay.

"Yeah, well... there was a lot we were unprepared for last time. At least now I know how much it's going to suck."

"I don't think drinking is going to help," Nino is watching me now.

"Don't be judgy," Alya grumbles quietly. I wonder if she's defending it just as much for herself as she is for me. I should probably talk to her hero-to-hero soon, but that's not a possibility at the moment.

"I need all the help I can get," I take a very loud bit of celery by Nino's head and he groans. Alya groans again too. 

"How are you so okay?" Nino huffs at me.

"I work out?" I don't know. Maybe they should try drinking real water instead of the fizzy kind or they can try crying about childhood trauma for an hour to sober up before bed. "Hey. I was thinking that maybe you guys should come spar with me and Mari sometime."

"Spar?" Alya glares at me. I can clearly see all of her childhood trauma in the reaction.

"Yeah. Since you guys know how to fight, too. Marinette keeps winning, so I need a little confidence boost. If you don't mind."

"You _like_  getting beat, don't complain now," Alya sighs heavily, pointing a finger at me. I chuckle into my glass. You're not wrong, foxy girl.

"I just thought it'd be interesting." I order waters for the table and another bloody mary because dang that's good and I have to go sit in a room with a fine specimen of a man and my super duper evil parents for the rest of the day.

"That could be fun," Marinette agrees with me belatedly. Man I love her. She doesn't seem to be moving too fast today, though. Alya groans. Again. We ride out the rest of the meal in the miserable silence and I somehow deliver the three of them back to the apartment before making my way home. Purposefully late.

 

"How was brunch?" Nathalie asks neutrally. I've always appreciated that about her. She never actually scolds me even though she must want to. It's always just passive with her. But she knows who Ladybug is. She knows.

"Miserable," I shrug, slumping into the only unoccupied chair in the study. Teenager mode activated.

"Anything anyone needs to get off their chest this week before we begin?" Ed asks cheerfully. His smile is lovely, but there is a certain chill in the air in response to his attempted joke and he quickly moves on. I'm able to drunkenly bring up my opinion that the way my father treats Nathalie kinda sucks and then everyone fights about it for a while. She sets her eyes on me and calls me out for avoiding her and I assure that it's not because I hate her. I like her! I like her way more than Dad! More fighting. It's a miracle that Ed has been able to keep this from becoming physical, it really is. 

"I am just disappointed that you feel that you have to rely on alcohol to help you be here." Dad. You're the worst.

"You're _always_  fucking disappointed! I will never be good enough for you," I'm yelling, "I worked hard for you and got good grades and never did anything that wasn't right and you don't care! You don't even hold yourself to the same standards. I don't have a drinking problem. I'm just scare of you and doing all of this is hard and it hurts and it sucks and I don't want to have to do all this fucking arguing!"

"Then what would you like to do, Adrien?" Ed leans towards me, hands clasped together.

"I want to fight," I breathe.

"What for? Do you can prove something?" Ed is way too cute for the amount hat I don't like him right now, and that's confusing. "We don't have to resort to violence, here. What do you imagine happening?"

"I just want to fight until I can't think anymore," I grumble. I have no idea what I want to get out of it, Ed. You're here to tell me that!

 

"If I remember correctly, you were the one that defeated us both. With your friends, but it was mostly you," Nathalie speaks up again. I hold my breath. What? I try and replay the fights in my head but I can't. I just keep thinking of Dad with his face all bloody. I did do that. I could have killed him. I wanted to kill him. Maybe I really am just like him. Someone is saying something else but I don't register what the words are.

"I wish that I wasn't an Agreste. I want every part of me that's you to go away. I should have killed Hawk Moth before we knew it was you."

"That's very extreme, Adrien." Shut up, Ed.

"That's the part of me that comes from him," I growl.

"But you didn't act on it, did you? You are your own person," Ed extends a glass of water to me and I take it. "Gabriel, do you have anything to say here?"

"I believe that if our roles were reversed, I'd feel the same way," Dad says solemnly.

"How does it make you feel when Adrien says he wished that he had killed you?" Ed doesn't mess around. I should know that by now.

"I am only glad that he didn't for his own sake."

"Gabe," Nathalie reaches her hand over to his. I don't know that to think or what to do. He's right. I'd be even worse off if I had killed him.

 

There is nothing more Chat Noir to get involved with than this right here right now. I drop off the lampost. Land on my feel and slowly stand. I hope this looks as badass as it should.

"What do you think you're doing?" I say. No puns. No jokes. The other Chat Noir laughs anyway.

"Me? What about you?" it's maniacal. This is a sicko. The homeless fellow he had been kicking at says my name in confusion. The faker laughs some more, head thrown back all the way.

"What? You think you're the real one?" is the giddy sneer. Boy, if you had _any_  idea. I reach around to the small of my back to retrieve my baton from the loop there. I extend it wordlessly.

"Oh, you wanna go?" he reaches back too, but what he gets is a gun. Shit. Every fucking time? A gun. Damnit. I'm not going to worry about it this time. I probably can't be shot. And if I can be... well, good riddance. I guess. At least that would stop shit like this from happening. I point my staff at him.

"You're lucky that I am the real one," I grumble, "Drop the gun and I'll let you off." This is more than a kind offer, really. I should probably just Cataclysm this guy. I _have_  to stop thinking that. I'm _not killing anyone_. That would make me worse than my father. _Bang_. Bang? Am I hit? Probably not. This sicko's response to my very kind offer is to shoot me? I crack the staff against his hands to knock the gun away and I wack him at the side of his head, too. I jump over and tackle Sicko to the ground. Belt-tail to tie him up, that's Nino's idea. He groans in frustration. I use my baton to call the cops, I am too paranoid to use my phone for that yet. They can probably trace me. I don't know. I tell them to send an ambulance for the victim too, hoping that they heard me over the sicko's protests. They did. When the medics take the victim, he reaches out and gives my hand a tight squeeze. That means everything. A cop also tells em I did good. Good. I just have to beat up other Chat Noirs, cool. It feels good to finally have a real win again, though. It's on the news when I get home. I have a small round bruise on my stomach that wasn't there before. Bulletproof. 


	21. Day 62- Queens

Being bulletproof makes a big difference. I fell into a very balanced roll as Chat now that I know about this. I'm stopping the copycats and other acts of violence. I continue the mundane do-gooder stuff, too. Spider-man stuff. I should probably find a better role-model but I don't want to do any better than this. It all still feels really empty without Ladybug. I don't want to think that my heart isn't in it, because it is, but... I don't know. It's just different now. Everything is. Chat's night scenery is getting more than a little bit of recognition now. A gallery messaged me wanting to do a show and I agreed to it because of course Chat would. Going to donate the proceeds to one of those akuma victim support organizations. It does also make me feel a little good that I'm good at something. I bought myself some cameras and I've been carrying one around as Adrien at least. Those are daytime photos and I'll let the gallery display those too, but I haven't put any online. The internet sleuths have caught me twice now, luckily both times as the cat. If I remove the date taken from the equations it should keep them at enough of an arm's length for me. But taking pictures has become interesting. Something to focus my compulsive energy on. I guess. Finding something lovely and deciding on the best way to capture it is satisfying and I'm really enjoying it.

 

As Adrien I go twice a week with Marinette to her fashion design classes. Even though the semester is basically over, I got permission from the staff and faculty to audit as many of these classes as I want. I guess you can do whatever the fuck you want in fashion when your father is the hottest shit since Coco Chanel or something. I don't know the first thing about it, which was made painfully obvious really quickly. But I think I've got a good idea about it all now. Marinette says I have a good sense, and that seems to be the general consensus. Sometimes I sit with her in the studio late into the night and she and some of the other students ask me for my opinions or suggestions. Nobody laughs at me even when it's dumb. It's a little bit the same like taking photographs. I guess. ut I don't really know a lot about photographs either. Mostly I'm glad to spend the time with Marinette. Especially here where her talent is so abundant and clear. I know some of her classmates talk shit about her being with me, but I know the accusations are out of jealousy because of _how much better she is than them_. Also that I am pretty sexy. That's my talent, I guess. We just continue our enthusiastic love affair, me ever cautious of Nino's warnings. It's getting easier to keep myself under control. I don't know if it's because I'm aware of my behavior now or if it's due to one of the million of pills that Ed has me taking.

 

Nino and I haven't done anything sexual in nature since that first time almost a month ago. Maybe Alya was actually a little upset about it, or Nino too freaked out. I've been losing myself to him so quickly now, I don't even care that we don't go further. He coaxed me into a crying stupor in less than five minutes last week so then yesterday's catwalk had been another where we spent most of the time pretending I was his dog. Right up until the end when we switched it over, when he started using the flogger my brain shut down way too fast for the both of us. There is so much that is freeing about crying like that but I wish that I was able to hold on for longer. I want so much more of it. I am able to hold on longer during family therapy, though the arguments aren't fewer. But I am starting to see the benefits. The benefits of having our identities out there in the open for each other. And the benefits of the three of us being forced to say what we are thinking to each other. I still don't understand them but at least I know what their defense is, whether or not I agree. It's refreshing. Somehow. I don't hate them any less and I don't hate me any less, but when Nathalie asked if I wanted to participate in their wedding ceremony I agreed. I started to miss working, so I hired my own personal manager who only works for me. He booked me a small commercial almost immediately. I guess getting arrested hadn't been as bad for my image as I assumed. Either that, or people have forgotten that it even happened. And life goes on, Ladybug or no Ladybug. And that still hurts.

 

I'm reviewing all of this to distract myself from this horror. My head is currently nestled between Chloe's thighs and she is putting makeup on me. I'm used to makeup, but it's Chloe and she's upside down and I am still not sure why she suggested doing this at all and I had no choice but to go along with it. I have zero leverage when it comes to Chloe and she knows it. She really does. She even put on fake eyelashes.

"Alright. Done," she presses a mirror into my hand with a satisfied smirk, releasing me from her clutches. I sit up, warily taking a glance into the hand mirror. It's not bad at all. Just girls' makeup. Innocent and glittery.

"I thought you were going to make me into a clown or something," I laugh, "This is pretty good."

"Adrien. I am not going to waste _your face_ on a joke," she pouts.

"It even makes me look a little less boyish," I compliment, making faces at myself in the mirror. Chloe takes a poignant gulp of wine and refills her glass and refreshes mine.

"Selfie," she commands next. I lean in with her and but on my best impression of a teenage girl pose. And the photo evidence of my weakness to Chloe is immediately out there for the world to witness. I don't mind.

 

"Chlo, there is a secret I wanted to tell you. You have to swear to me that you will never say a word to anyone, no matter who they are," I say seriously, not breaking eye contact with her. I run my thumb along the rim of my wine glass.

"I know you like Nino," she rolls her eyes and takes another sip of wine.

"Not that," I sigh. I keep forgetting that of course everyone would expect for me to come out to them for that. That's what I'd be doing if I were just a normal person, I guess. Apparently everyone already knows that I like men, which is a little disconcerting, too. I mean, even my father did?

"Chat Noir?" she raises an eyebrow suggestively. Ugh.

"No. Because I am Chat Noir," I tell her seriously. Chloe frowns. She isn't saying anything and it's not like her to be quiet. I feel my chest tighten. 

"Don't fucking joke with me about Chat Noir, Adrien," is what she says when she finally talks. Why not? I can't ask that right now, though.

"I'm not joking, I swear on my mother," I look down at my reflection again. I'm actually kind of pretty. Chloe gets up off the bed and goes over to her desk. I watch her come back with a magazine and a marker. She slams the magazine down on the bed between us and flips pages _violently_  until she finds me. She uncaps the marker with a dramatic flourish and doodles on my face. What an idea, Chloe. Why didn't I think of something like that while I was looking for LB? Her finished product looks exactly like Chat. And I should know.

"So? If that's not enough, I can just tell you some kitty secrets that only we know," I offer. I'm too scared to look at her.

"Chat Noir!" Chloe huffs. I look up just in time for her to _hit me_. What the fuck? Seriously? What? What the fuck?

 

"Why are you telling me this?" she follows it up while I'm still in shock. I don't know how to answer for a few moments. She takes a sip of wine. She doesn't even look angry anymore. I feel like I have whiplash.

"I told my father and Carapace and... it really helps a lot," I mumble, "You deserve to know, you're my friend."

"You told HAWK MOTH?" she gapes.

"There isn't anything he can do about me now. I needed answers. I have to get through this and work it out with him, so I had to," I mumble. Chloe drapes a hand over my wrist. Non-committal. 

"I'm glad that you're trying."

"I wasn't," I mumble, "I wanted to give up everything."

"What happened to looking for Ladybug?" she questions quietly, not wanting to get too much deeper than we already are. I can't blame her for that. We never really discuss anything too serious. That's part of Chloe's charm.

"Ladybug told me to stop. So I did. I miss her," I sigh. I drink some of the wine.

"You didn't let me miss you."

"Yeah," I nod, "You're my friend, not just my teammate. Carapace and Rena have each other, but us..."

"I wonder about Ladybug," Chloe sounds wistful. Yeah. Me too. Constantly. 

"She said she has somebody that needs her more than I do, so..." I shrug. Chloe looks like she feels bad for me, but it changes quickly. I can feel it coming. I know what she's thinking.

"How can you date Marinette like this?" she accuses quietly. Like we're going to be overheard. I swallow.

"I fell really hard for Marinette and it's like a tar pit or quicksand or something."

"You _love_ her," Chloe sounds annoyed by it. I bet she is annoyed by it.

 

And I do love Marinette. So much. I'm even standing outside Marinette's building less than an hour after Chloe says it. From across the street I can catch a glimpse of the railing up on the balcony at the top of the building. I could just go up as Chat. The moon's shining, I think it's full or almost full. I raise my phone to my ear. It takes Marinette only two seconds to answer. 

"Hey my minette, I'm um... outside." Way to be creepy, Adrien. 

"Do you... want to come in?" she offers. 

"I want to see you," I confess gladly. She tells me the code to her building. I think it's the first time I'm using the resident entrance instead of going through the bakery. I take the stairs two, maybe three, at a time. Marinette's there at the door to greet me at the top and fold me into her embrace. She's the best. I follow her to her attic loft and my lips are on hers the second the floor hatch is closed. I will do it right on the floor here- I swear. She's delicious. I want her so much. Her pajamas are definitely in my way. I give up her lips for a second to drag her tank over her head and then again for her sports bra. Her fingers are somehow managing my buttons and I catch her eyes briefly in a silent offer to do it myself.

"Wait," she breathes at me. I halt, stomach churning. I search her face. Why are we stopping?

"Are you... wearing makeup?" she asks, stifling a giggle.

"Oh." Right. "Chloe."

"Oh?" she is trying her best to keep herself together. I can tell.

"Do you want me to take it off first?" I propose. Marinette lets herself laugh, pulling my chin back to her. My makeover is immediately forgotten in our tangle of warm kisses. 

 

I pick up Marinette and deposit her on her bed and pull at her bottoms. They slide off of her easily and I lean my face into her stomach, breathing her in as I try and control myself. Marinette runs her fingers lightly through my hair. That. Does not. Help. I really can't stop the wave of heat that rocks through my body and I moan a little against her. She shushes me but it doesn't register in my brain for a few seconds. I've already lowered my head between her legs and pressed my mouth up against her. Marinette lets out a restrained noise from the back of her throat. I'm not going to get her to be any louder because her parents are downstairs, but I'll take it. I press my tongue earnestly between her folds. Her hips squirm. I think I have sort of got the hang of this by now, which is really impressive since I am sure I can't even think real thoughts at the moment. Everything just makes me want her more. I'm blind and reckless and I want her to be half as messed up as I am. The muscles in her torso tense and ebb in rhythm with my efforts. I love it. I want to make her crazy too. Her fingers clench at my hair and I release her slowly. I mouth at a nipple as I try to escape from my trousers. She's smiling at me. My heart spins even faster than it already was. It's some sort of miracle I'm clear-headed enough to manage the condom. 

 

Marinette gasps when I push in. It is so warm inside her. So so warm. Amazing. Holy shit. I ensnare her lips, running my tongue along her teeth and deeper in her mouth. I want everything. She kisses me back just as urgently. There's a tightness in my chest, by my back. I can't control how much I _want_. I might be delirious with it. I am totally addicted to Marinette. I slide out and press in just as quickly and she bites down on her lip, escaping my kiss. Beautiful. She's beautiful. I really can't handle this. This is too much. Way too much. I am really going to go crazy. She's perfect. Every part of her is perfect. I try to keep pace, drinking up every single little noise that works its way out of her mouth. A small whimper, a whine. I'm done. That sets me over whatever sort of cliff I was clinging to. I bury myself in her, pressing my face into her neck. Damn. Marinette runs her finger tips down my back. I'm overwhelmed. This is so much. Too much. I pull out and rub my face. I have to focus. I kiss her again, and her mouth is hungry. 

 

"What do you want?" I whisper into her ear and she squirms. I bet she's blushing. I bet a million dollars. I kiss her chin and her neck and drag down to her breasts. She tastes so sweet but also lightly like sweat. It's perfect. I take a nipple between my lips and the sharp gasp she lets out clears my brain a little. She pulls her legs in and sits up. I grip her sides and her back, pleased. It's easier to kiss her body now. To press my mouth against all of her. Marinette. I slide a hand down to her ass and squeeze it gently. Her hands rest on my shoulders and she gives me a small squeeze. Okay. I slide my hand around her side and push my fingers between her legs. She moans quietly. So quietly. But it's enough for me. I look up and kiss her. I push a finger into her and her grip on my shoulders tightens again. I can definitely bring her over like this. I want to. I slide my finger in and out, pressing against her insides as I do so. She is still good at staying completely quiet, her fingers pressed into my shoulders the only indicator for me. I hate that I can't hear her but that's just the way it is. I slide in another finger, hooking them inside to rub her gently. Rhythmically. Marinette rests her forehead on my shoulder, rocking her body with my fingers. This is amazing. Her fingernails dig in and it hurts and I like it. I kiss the side of her head. She suddenly freezes and I press my hand against her tightly. She bites into my shoulder, shuddering. I'm in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Service bottom bro


	22. Day 63- Mayura

 

Marinette's gorgeous. There's just enough of a suggestion of light coming through the windows for me to admire her with. The hint of freckles at her nose and cheeks. The softness of her lips. My watch starts to vibrate. Why did I reset the alarm so that it goes off on the weekend? What an idiot I am. Why would that ever be a good idea? I have to make too much movement to turn it off, and Marinette stirs a little. 

"Adrien," her voice is quiet and soothing and kind and radiant. It envelops me. I can't believe how good her voice makes me feel. How my name on her tongue stirs something deep inside of my gut. Every time she speaks, some part of me feels... complete. Complete like I've never felt.

"Marinette. Good morning. I love you," I kiss her gently before sitting up. If I stay there pressed against her I am just going to want to stay there all day. I don't know if Marinette would allow me that or not but I feel like we probably shouldn't.

"I love you too," she shines her brilliant smile at me and I smile back. My heart. It's going to explode. Is this what a heart attack feels like? Am I going into cardiac arrest?

"My heart can't take that," I lament, hand pressed against my chest. 

"You're gonna have to get used to it." What a threat!

"If you can kill me with those words, that's the way I'd choose to go," I stand up and find my clothes from yesterday. I am going to look like a wrinkled mess. It would be better if I could transform and go home that way, but I need to bring Marinette with me for our morning battles. Nino and Alya have finally agreed to fight today. Took them long enough. I'm really looking forward to it. Back in action with Rena and Carapace!

"I'll try and remember that," I can hear the cheer in Marinette's voice. Can she be any more perfect? Is that possible?

 

Her parents are already at work in the bakery so it's a cinch to leave through the resident entrance and turn the corner into the bakery to 'pick up Marinette'. They load me up with all of their usual affection and enthusiasm. They are everything I wish I ever had. I honestly don't even think they would care if I had been caught sneaking out of their house after corrupting their daughter all night right above them. Well, they might already know, if I'm putting it that way. Tom suddenly seems even more gracious than I thought before. Maybe they don't know. Maybe I should stop thinking about this. Marinette shows up in athletic leggings and a loose shirt, her hair tied back into a tight ponytail. She's so cute. We obtain an extra amount of baked goods from her parents to reward our best friends with later. Nino and Alya are not morning people. The weather is lovely and I really enjoy the walk from the bakery to my house. The weather is always great when I'm with Marinette.

 

"Let's team up. Couple versus couple," I suggest. I've decked everyone out in light protective gear. Shin pads, mouth guards, helmets. We probably need none of it. I'm actually sure that we don't. Not even Marinette.

"I wanna do boys versus girls," Alya whines, grabbing Marinette's arm and swaying the both of them. Nino and I both laugh at it. I agree despite Nino's reservations. THey are underestimating just how cool Marinette is. The point is made as Marinette takes Nino to the ground immediately while Alya and I have only exchanged one or two test blows.

"I wasn't ready!" Nino groans after removing his mouthguard. Marinette helps him back up. Alya can't stop laughing. Guess we're not going to spar each other anymore right now. Nino stands and holds up his fists. I know that stance. It's a Carapace stance.

"Just try that again," Nino challenges and Marinette swipes her foot at his ankles and takes him down again before he's even really done talking. The _laughter_  from Alya. Nino stands up again, clearly agitated. He throws the mouthguard aside. I knew we wouldn't need those. Though maybe Nino does.

"Okay Marinette, that's not funny anymore," he squares off. She smirks. I love my girlfriend! Nino dodges expertly when she goes to repeat the same move, but Marinette is ready for him to do so and lands a deep thrust against his chest. It knocks him back, but Nino rolls into it. He pushes his foot back to stop and leaps back at her. This is not regular sparring anymore. Marinette steps to the side but he hooks her ankle with his arm and brings her down. Marinette locks his arm under her leg and rolls up on top of him impressively. It's so smooth.

"What the fuck?" Nino tries to struggle for a second but it is obviously futile. He nods at Marinette and she stand back up, releasing him. 

 

"You are so out of practice, babe," Alya is in hysterics. 

"Yeah... sure," Nino grumbles, "I'd like to see you try."

"Okay boys. Try and keep it in your pants," she winks before putting in her mouthguard. Marinette blushes lightly but they face each other seriously. It's a wicked good matchup. There's none of the grappling like Marinette uses on me or Nino. This is almost all arms. Flailing fists and blocks and palms and elbows. A heartfelt sparring match. I am dazzled. This is incredible. Are they showing off for us? But even more amazing, Marinette isn't just better than I am. She's better than Carapace and Rena Rouge too. I wonder if she'd even be better than Ladybug. Marinette catches her arm around Alya's neck, somehow behind her now. Her grip is strong and she holds the brunette against her strongly. Alya taps out. She takes out her mouthguard but is too stunned to say anything. It's not often that Alya Cesaire is speechless.

"I told you guys that she's a monster," I grin proudly. Not that I had anything to do with it- but that's my girlfriend!

"Let's do the couple's teamup. Alya and I work better together," Nino says. The look in his eyes stirs my heart a little bit. He's curious and determined now. Hungry. 

"Don't hold anything back and we won't either," I will give him the fight he wants.

 

Marinette and I work together well. Like, way good. Too good. Maybe better even than me and Ladybug. Better than Ladybug? Stop thinking about Ladybug! I dodge a kick from Rena- um, Alya- and grab her foot. Marinette takes the half second of pause to knock Alya down for me before rounding it out on Nino. Incredible. Alya recovers instantly and throws a punch at my head. I duck and land a punch at the back of Nino's knee while I'm down there. Marinette braces herself on my shoulder, taking off of it to take Alya down. I only know because of the sounds of bodies hitting the mat. I push Nino's shoulder so that he stays down and I stand up. I hold out my fist for a victory bump. Nothing happens. I catch Marinette's wide eyes. Shit. I glance around, both Nino and Alya are staring at me with shock, too. I lower my arm slowly. Well, that was a huge slip. What do I do? What should-

"Damn, bro. Your Ladybug fetish is something else," Nino laughs awkwardly. I make myself laugh in response. This is a terrible cover. Alya chuckles too, for effect.

"Hey, I've always wanted a fist-bump. I'm glad to be on the winning side of this for once, though. Thanks, guys," I hold out a hand to help Alya up off the floor, then Nino. Maybe we can ignore the fact that I mistook Marinette for Ladybug. Maybe. Marinette cheerfully suggests that we give up and just eat breakfast and everyone immediately agrees. They don't want to get beat up by her more. I can't blame them. It's a real reality check after having been a superhero for so long.

 

"Adrien can't go with me to Chat Noir's gallery opening tonight, do you guys want to?" Marinette asks casually.

"His what?" Nino's eyes squint at me behind his glasses. Did I not tell him? Maybe I didn't? I didn't. I think maybe I assume too much that the world keeps up with whatever shenanigans Chat gets up to. People have their own lives, it's not all about me. I have to get some perspective.

"Uh, you bet, girl!" Alya nods supportively

"You know Chat Noir?" Nino turns his gaze on Marinette. She does. She technically knows him _very well_.

"I've met him a few times. He's saved me a lot, too. I think we'd be friends if I knew him, so I want to go support him." Marinette is the best. I can't even look away from her to gauge Nino's reaction to this.

"Who'da thought that feral boy would turn out to be an _artist_?" Alya makes eyes at me. I choke back my laughter.

"What time are we meeting, Mari?" Nino pulls out his phone. I have good friends.

 

Hopefully, I have prepped Plagg for this extra-long day and he won't be too passive aggressive later. He had about seven wheels of camembert for lunch. I had half a wheel myself, with crackers and fig preserves. I wonder if Plagg ever gets tired of camembert, but he knows what he likes, I guess. I don't doubt for a second he would have any qualms about demanding anything else that he wanted. He knows I could give him anything. I pack a whole wheel into my pocket, wooden box and all, for later or in case of an emergency. But emergencies don't happen anymore. Maybe they never will again. We transform and propel to the gallery. I help with some finishing touches and decisions and I'm glad to be put to work on menial labor and attaching labels to walls. A critic shows up to interview me. I knew about this already but I think I am woefully unprepared. I don't even know how to prepare in the first place. It goes pretty well, though. We walk around and talk a little about superhero life and the pictures and social media. A lot about social media, actually.

"What are you trying to say with these?" was the question. Man. I have no idea. I never really thought about it.

"I wasn't trying to say anything, I just wanted to share how beautiful Paris is, I think," I stumble awkwardly. I have zero experience with this art stuff.

"Share it with everyone or do you wish you were sharing it with _someone_?" Oh. Ladybug. I never really realized. I glance around the room, glimpsing the familiar scenes. It feels comforting to me, somehow. Maybe Ladybug will come and see the pictures. I hope that she does. I really want her to see them.

 

"There are no people in your photographs, monsieur Noir," is the note given. I didn't really realize that before, either. Man, I was just doing all of this without thinking about it? How little self-awareness do I have?

"It's loneliness," I mumble. No point in lying. I can see it clear as day in the images now, no way that everyone else won't too.

"It's a lot of things. You could be saying a lot with what you've got, here. You seem to just be doing it on instinct and talent, but if you decided what you're saying and if you did it consciously- it would be something exceptional even if you were not Chat Noir. You should nurture your talent. The more educated and conceptualized you become, the greater things you'll be able to create." That is a huge compliment. It's maybe the best one that I have ever gotten in my life. I'm talented and I have potential and I've made something interesting and good.  

"Oh, there is someone in one of these photos though, Adrien Agreste!" it's said with a laugh but I tense at my name. Oh no. A certain amount of dread fills me inside. How? I relax when I realize it's just the photo that includes one of my older billboard advertisements. It was ragged and frayed and faded and dirty, but still lit up against the glittering of Paris in the background. Armed with my new self-awareness, I know what it is. I know what this one says.

 

"Hey princess," I find Marinette alone in the crowd, standing in front of the billboard photo. She flashes me the best smile I've ever seen in my whole life.

"This is wonderful, Chat! I'm proud of you," her voice is like honey.

"Thanks! You like the one with your boyfriend, huh?" I waggle my eyebrows at her and she giggles.

"Stop it, Chat. That's not why I like it." She's so cute. The cutest. I'm so glad she came to see the pictures.

"I know you're not that shallow," I nod at her.

"I'm not shallow at all!" Marinette puts her hand on her hips indignantly, "I like your pictures because... you can tell how much you love it here."

"Of course I love Paris! I'll protect it," I promise, "Thank you for coming, Marinette."

"I will always come," she gives me another one of those smiles that twists up my insides. I am drug away from her by someone to talk to someone important or something. Nobody's more important than Marinette, though. I lose sight of her quickly in the masses of people.

 

This is all really hard. It's worse than being a regular celebrity like Adrien Agreste. I've had my photo taken only seven million times tonight and I keep having the same conversation with strangers over and over again. But it does still feel great. I feel like maybe I've really done something worthwhile. I'm proud of it, and people _appreciate_ it. The crowd has thinned since it is almost time to close up shop for the night. So I see Nathalie when she comes in. She's alone. Maybe showing up to an amateur photo exhibition put on by the city's favorite vigilante _is_  a little below the great Gabriel Agreste. I can't blame him, really. It would be too much of a story if he did show up. But some of me still wishes that he had. It takes me a long while before I approach Nathalie. I've still been avoiding her because I don't trust myself a whole lot not to ask the million dollar question. I slide up next to her when she's at the billboard photograph.

"It's a self-portrait," I whisper at her mischievously. Her eyes dart along me, taking in Chat Noir.

"This is all very impressive work, Chat Noir," she says my hero name in the same way that she says my real name. It's kind of funny, but still weird.

"You like art?" I ask her, scratching behind my own fake ear.

"Yes. I have training. That's how I ended up where I am with Agreste, I suppose," she looks back at the photograph, "They are lonely, aren't they?"

"Yeah," I admit freely because our lines of communication are supposed to be open or some other junk Ed has said, "I miss Ladybug." Nathalie blinks at me in confusion.

"But isn't Ladybug your girlfriend?"

"Nah, I wasn't dating Ladybug. She wasn't interested."

"But you are dating her now."

 

My world tilts. Floor. I'm on the floor. Okay. People rush around me, but Nathalie is helping me up. Words. People are talking. Nathalie is talking. I need to think. My girlfriend. Marinette? _Marinette_? My girlfriend, Marinette, Ladybug. I have to go. I have to get out of here. There's no way. No way. Not possible. Marinette? This is crazy. I've got to go.

"I've um... been transformed for too long," I shake off all of the bodies. I'm running. Jumping over gaps between buildings. Nathalie knows who Ladybug is. She is the only one that does. And now me? Because it's _MARINETTE_? Marinette. There's no way that it _isn't_  her. How dumb could I be? Why am I this much of an idiot? I've been _sleeping_  with Ladybug this whole time and I didn't even realize! How can I be so blind? My girlfriend! My own girlfriend! Oh my god, Marinette is Ladybug. I fall into a patio chaise in someone's rooftop garden. I can't breathe anymore. I can't anything. I can't believe this. I de-transform and- _Plagg's FACE_.

"I've been trying to tell you but you don't listen!" Plagg says. I am going to be sick. I am really going to be sick. I am so dizzy right now. No way. This is insane.

 

And she knows that I'm Chat Noir. I told her. To her face. She knew even before that. Has she maybe... always known? This really makes sense, why Marinette completes me so perfectly. She's my soulmate and always has been. Why didn't I recognize her? Why didn't I realize that it was her voice? I was so sure I could recognize her voice! And... she knew. She knew that I was looking for her. She knew that I was hurting. Ladybug knew just how much I missed her. Hold on. Am I angry? How could I be angry at _Ladybug_? She knows what she's doing, doesn't she? But she's just Marinette. Maybe she doesn't know. Ladybug wouldn't just let me suffer, would she? But Marinette doesn't really know how upset I am because of Ladybug. I forget about Ladybug when I'm with Marinette because of how happy she makes me. Marinette probably just thinks I'm fine without Ladybug. What do I do now? What am I supposed to do? Do I just tell her? We aren't supposed to know! Marinette obviously doesn't want me to know. Why wouldn't she tell me? Or at least tell me that she knew I was Chat Noir? Should I tell her as Marinette that I am Chat Noir? I have a good relationship with her as Chat. Is even that because she's known that it was me? Did she say that stuff about us finding each other originally because she knew it was me?

"You're spiraling again, Adrien," Plagg says loudly. What. "I know it's a shock but you have to stay calm!"

"Plagg..." oh man I _do_ sound upset. No wonder he thinks I'm going to commit suicide again, "How can one person be so much to me? What do I do, Plagg?"

"Just don't do anything stupid," is his advice. I reward him with the slab of camembert from my blazer. Nothing stupid, huh? I don't have to act immediately, do I? I should probably hold off on talking to her until I know that I can handle it. Because the only thing I am sure of right now is that I can't handle it. I stare up at the full moon, my thoughts and questions whirling around on repeat inside of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO WASSUP WHAT TIME IT IS?


	23. Day 64- Burning

Maybe there's nothing I regret more in my life than this weekend alarm, but I think I was in the middle of a nightmare so I can't be too upset about it. I guess. That and I'm on a roof somewhere? Right. The whole Ladybug is my Marinette thing. I groan, sitting up and rubbing my face. My body is so stiff. This was a mistake. The sunrise has painted the sky orange and pink, a warm glow shimmering across the rooftops. I take a second to get my bearings, since I have no idea where I am. Belleville, maybe? I guess I really do not handle surprises well. It wouldn't hurt me to at least pay a little bit of attention to where I am when I am running my emotions out, would it? I pull out my phone and it somehow has some battery left. I text Marinette to cancel breakfast- I feel like I do that a lot. I send a message to Nino too, to make sure we are still meeting later. I point the phone camera out at this sunrise. It's gotten a little amazing. I post the picture up everywhere as a Chat with a little note thanking for people coming to the show. Hashtag Paris. I switch over to my personal accounts. There are a lot of comments about the makeover Chloe gave me the other day. I laugh at it, the photos definitely got around to the gossip sites too. Speculation, as always, that we are dating or engaged or we are bearding for each other or whatever kind of crazy theories they always have.  For the first time, gossip about Adrien is a refreshing change of pace compared to my hero persona. At least no one expects anything out of Adrien and nobody is blaming Adrien for being an irresponsible influence on the city I love. I pull up one of the cloud files with my Ladybug suspect list and search it for Marinette's name.

 

She's not on it. I mean, I would have noticed if she had been. Would I have even added her to this or just automatically eliminated her? Would I have ever even considered her as a possibility? My beautiful girlfriend with a voice like wine and creativity and her fighting skills. My petite minette... Snap out of it, Adrien. Get it together. I scoop Plagg up from where he was curled between my feet and hold him close to my chest. He shifts but doesn't wake up. Spoiled cat. I don't usually go transforming before the sun is fully up so I can't really blame him. 

"Come on, buddy. It's time to go home. We at least have to get down to the ground," I rub my finger behind his ear apologetically.

"Cheese," he yawns.

"There's cheese at home," I feel guilty for falling asleep here. Plagg floats begrudgingly out of my grasp and all I do is look at him for a while. Am I really Chat Noir? Me?

"What? Are we going?" he gets impatient.

"Plagg, claws out." I mumble in a stupor. I'm now a Chat Noir that knows too much. It wasn't possible to love either Ladybug or Marinette more but now my love for them individually is folded together. I am probably more dangerous than ever before. And I do feel powerful and complete standing in someone's roof terrace at six in the morning in leather and all the strength in the world. I can do anything. There should be nothing holding me back from anything that I want, but I have everything already. I never considered the possibility that my life could end up good. Or that I could be happy. It's surprising to be able to feel this way.

 

After I feed Plagg and take a shower, I go in search of my father. I come across Nathalie first. I forgot she moved in. Nathalie stands from the stool on which she was perched with concern.

"I apologize, Adrien. I assumed that you were just claiming not to know," she says quietly, "to protect her."

"It's okay, Nathalie." Is it okay? I literally would have never known had she not said anything. Maybe I didn't need this particular can or worms in my life at the moment. Maybe that's why Marinette has continued to keep it from me. Was she keeping it from me, though? There are hints, now that I think back. And she wasn't hiding anything in our fights, either. Maybe Marinette wanted me to figure it out myself. To prove something. But I lost.

"Adrien?" Nathalie is frowning. Had she been talking to me? 

"I've only been keeping my distance because I was afraid that I'd ask. I didn't mean to make you think that I'm angry at you or anything. Um... I also wanted to say thank you for coming to the thing last night. It kind of means a lot, so... um... thanks," I mumble, squeezing my neck. Nathalie smiles. Smiles? An honest to god smile? Huh. Well then. I leave her to whatever she had been doing on her tablet and I find my father outside. Which is strange too, somehow. I sometimes just think of him as only existing in his office.

 

"What are you doing out here?" I can't help it. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. My father frowns like he is thinking the same rhyme. He probably is, actually.

"I was considering having some landscaping done." Boring.

"Oh. I um... wanted to ask you something," I look around, not wanting to make eye contact. I guess our yard is a little bare. I never thought about it before. Why is he thinking about it?

"What is it?"

"You could have done anything. Literally anything. The Miraculouses are really powerful," I say. His frown deepens, creasing his forehead.

"I wanted to bring back your mother."

"I know!" I stop him, "I just... did you ever consider anything else? Like if that hadn't been your goal, what would you have done with the power?"

"Are you directionless?" his expression remains the same. There's a part inside of me that is inexplicably terrified, but I push it way down to the bottom.

"I think... that I may be strong enough to ruin the world if I wanted to and I think that you were just as strong."

"I was only willing to sacrifice for my goal." Is the vague reply. That's not what I am asking!

"If your goal hadn't been to bring Mom back, what would you have done with your power?"

"I would not have had a Miraculous at all in that case," he shakes his head.

"Dad. This is a theoretical question," I'm so annoyed, "Like you could do anything. What would you do?"

"I'm not sure."

"If there is something I could do for you, what would it be?" I ask next, maybe changing the situation will help. He does not look amused and that terror I pushed down deep acts like it's going to come back up my throat.

"I only want you to be safe," he sighs, "And happy." Very much not what I was asking.

"No, I just want to know what you think I should be doing." This is infuriating. He shifts his body weight.

"Is protecting people not enough?"

 

My work for the commercial today is really light and goes pretty quickly. No filming today, just wardrobe and blocking and a quick rehearsal. It's a watch advertisement, so a lot of my arms and chest and I'm going to get to walk through flames or something. I think I'm pretty good at acting, but what do I know? Something like this is just modeling but in motion. Nino lets me and my bag of boozy groceries into his apartment, eyeing me as I set out the wines and snacks. Plagg flies over to the windowsill to bask in the sun.

"Alya's out today."

"So?" I ask. There's no answer. He is being judgy about the wine! "I haven't eaten yet."

"Why not?"

"I forgot, really. Someone told me who Ladybug is so I've been really distracted," I tell him passively. I'm impressed with how together I've kept myself today, considering. Maybe that's part of the millions of pills Ed gives me too.

"You know who Ladybug is?" he's surprised. 

"I don't know if I can tell you. I need to talk to her about it first," I grin, "But I want to celebrate."

"So it's someone good? You look pretty happy," Nino obliges me by retrieving wine glasses and the corkscrew. I hum affirmatively at him. "You're not going to leave Marinette for her or something, are you?"

"No way!"

"I had to ask," he laughs as I pop the cork.

"I told you I picked Marinette and I meant it," I fill the glasses and Nino watches me silently, "Here. Make a toast or something."

"To CN's _art career_ ," Nino tilts his glass at mine and they clang out merrily. 

"Thanks for coming," I grin. Nino's great.

 

"I kinda thought you were into music, to be honest," he says. I glance over at the camera I had deposited at the other end of the kitchen island with the grocery bag.

"I am, but it's not really anything I had a choice about. The pictures feel like it's just me. This was a thing that just happened. I don't know what I'd do in music, anyway. You're way better! Plus, it's just Chat Noir's stuff. He can do whatever, even if it sucks."

"But Chat Noir is you," Nino shakes his head, taking a sip of wine. I shrug at it.

"I don't know what to do as Chat without Ladybug. Now that I found her, I still don't know what to do," I confess, "My whole life has just been following other people's instructions and I am so lost when no one will tell me what I should be doing."

"Doing about what?" Nino makes a face.

"I don't know. Chat. Adrien. Everything," I shrug, opening the package of baby carrots and twirling one between my fingers.

"I don't like you talking about yourself like you're someone else."

"I've never really had to be myself before all of this. Music is my parents. Business is my dad. All the lessons, the training, work, school, schedules. All Dad. Even the way I look. And now he just wants me to do whatever I want? And Ladybug is just..."

"She what?"

"She's worried about me," I mumble. Because she is, and I hate it. I don't want Marinette to feel sorry for me or like she has an obligation to be my support. Nino is quiet for a while, we sip our wine and chew on the assortment of snacks I brought. I wonder what he's thinking.

"Are you afraid to make decisions because you think you'll be punished?" Whoa. Nino. Dude. What  _are_  you thinking up over there by yourself?

"I just want to make people happy," I shake my head.

"We are all happy if you are happy. You don't have to be afraid to do the things you want to do, man. Like, I want to do music and nobody is mad at me for that, right? Chat Noir takes pictures and everyone is glad he has a creative outlet. You have more freedom than you think and you should be brave and do what matters to you, you're not a kid anymore and your dad can't control you. You're not going to disappoint anyone by being happy," Nino. I love you. You're the greatest. I don't even know what to say. What do I say to that?

 

"Do you regret telling us to let you dad be?" Nino follows it up, "You told us to let him go both as Chat and Adrien that night. But he's like... really fucked you up."

"Unfortunately, being a bad parent isn't a crime. Maybe all the stuff he did as Hawk Moth was, but he's still my father," I shrug.

"Wouldn't it be easier on you if he was gone, though?"

"I don't know. I did just learn my Mom's dead, maybe losing both at once might have been too much," I point out. Nino winces.

"Sorry man, I forgot."

"Don't apologize, Nino. You're the best." It's fine because it's Nino and I love him and he will let me be anything.

"Duh," he shakes his head. Maybe I am putting a lot of emotional burden on him. He doesn't deserve it.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Besides promo-ing me as CN?" he laughs.

"I can do it as Adrien, too! That's a bunch of followers," I grin.

"That's suspicious."

"No it's not, you're my best friend. I wanna help people know how talented you are." I watch his bashful expression spread a little. Nino is a treasure. I'd die for him. Literally die.

"You wanna listen to my new song?" he offers after a few moments. I nod my head enthusiastically because I am chewing on some more of these carrots. He runs off and comes back with his laptop and headphones. He drops the headphones onto me and his face is so close... Nino turns away to click around on the computer and the waves of sound start to flow. I close my eyes so I don't get distracted looking at him. Because I will. I know it. I listen carefully, the melody rising and falling and all the separate elements. It's not a clubbing song, it's something different. Special. I let it wash over and consume me completely. I feel hollow when it's over. Burnt out.

 

"Dude," I pull the headphones down to my neck, "That's incredible."

"Really?" he lights up.

"I don't even know what to say, that's so good," I nod my head. His smile is amazing. I listen to the sound of sirens leaking in from the outside world. The sun. Nino. I feel alive, like all of my senses are on fire.

"I've been working on it for a long time. I think that's the direction maybe I want to explore for an album or something," Nino explains.

"It's perfect," I take a sip of wine, watching him, "It feels like you."

"You think so?" he seems both embarrassed and pleased. Police sirens again. This time we both notice it. He looks at the window and then back at me.

"Go. Go now," Nino demands. I blink. I stand up slowly, taking the headphones off. Another siren. Something big is happening. "Chat! Go!"

"I'll come back," I promise, "Plagg, come on. Claws out!"

"Be safe," I see Nino going for his phone before I let myself out his window. I follow the ambulance that was passing on the street below until I see where they're going. Smoke. A fire? A bomb? There are a lot of emergency vehicles at the scene. I land next to a firefighter.

"Are there still people inside?" I ask loudly. She squints at me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

 

"If you're going in, you need an oxygen mask," she drags me over to the engine and passes me a firefighter coat and puts a helmet on my head right on top of my cat ears and holds out the oxygen mask and tank.

"Start at the top floor and work your way down, we are working our way up. Don't do anything that you can't do, don't touch any door knobs. If you think you're in danger, you get out. Understand?" she says it all very sternly, very seriously as I pull the mask over my face. I'm a firefighter today! Three year old Adrien's dream come true. No time to think about that.

"Understand," I extend my baton to get to the top floor, smashing through a window. Smoke. So much smoke. If I find anyone up here, they are going to be unconscious. I can barely see. It's hot. How can it be this hot? I kick through doors, checking each room. Each apartment. The first man I find is definitely unconscious. His cat is curled up in his arms. I scoop up the both of them. It is hard with the jacket and the oxygen and everything and it's even harder to get them back down to the ground. But I pass the bodies off to the paramedics and go right back in. Maybe just one at a time from here on. I find two kids. Well. I wish I had help, but I get both of them outside together somehow anyway. I have no idea if they are alive.

 

There are flames on this floor. I am literally running through fire. Unlike earlier today, this is way less cool. It's not cool at all. It's hot as hell and I don't like it. Aren't these places retrofitted with sprinklers? Why isn't that happening? People could be dying right now. I won't let anyone die. It's so hard to see with all of the smoke. All of the flames. I'm not going to be able to keep going for much longer. There's a large older woman and my rescue of her is quite dramatic even though there is nobody to see it. Burning floorboards, small explosions. Everything. I slump down to the pavement after passing her off. Someone is telling me it's too dangerous to go back in. Someone else is asking if it's okay to check me medically. Not listening, concentrating. There were supposed to be around sixteen people inside. I've gotten eight, and I'm not sure about the firefighters. I stand up and go back in. I have to check. I do. There's only fire. I can't see anything. I shout out, but even my own screams sound muffled. But I find someone. They wouldn't have heard me anyway. I drag them up onto my shoulder and break out through a window. I don't know if this person is alive but the firefighter woman who originally outfitted me stops me from going back inside again. It's only been minutes but it feels like days.

 

"Chat," Alya is there to catch me. I let go of the transformation, leaning into her hair. It's good to have someone to comfort you after a hard day. I didn't know the value of something like this before. I didn't know what I had been missing all of these years, always going home to my empty house. I regret that I had so much loneliness. 

"I'm so tired," I breathe. The news is on, and I hear my name on it.

"You smell like a bonfire," Nino pats my head. Alya shushes him. 

"I saved every single one," I mumble, leaning into her. Even the last guy wasn't stable but he had been alive. It's not enough. There may have been more people. Even just one.

"Good boy," Alya rubs my back. I am too exhausted to move away. I am so exhausted. So tired. The news drones on in the background.

"Cheese for Plagg," I mumble. There's some with the groceries I brought in earlier. Nino gets up to get it and I think Plagg follows him. 

"None of those people would be here without you." Alya whispers to me. I nod. It feels surreal. Like someone else did it. But there could have been more. It's not how many people I did save, it's how many I didn't and I won't ever know. I take a deep breath and pull away. I've never missed Ladybug's Miracle Cure so much. Alya wipes my hair out of my face and holds on to my cheeks with her palms. She stares at me and I stare back. It's grounding.

"You were amazing, Adrien."

"Okay," it comes out of my mouth somehow. She nods her head.

"Do you want to sleep? You can take a nap in our bed," Alya is a hero. A beautiful goddess hero. Like Athena or something. I'm so glad that Nino has somebody like this.

"Nino," I don't know why I say his name.

"Yeah, Nino can stay with you," she nods her head quickly and keeps nodding. She takes my arm over her shoulder and supports my weight as we go to the bed.

 

I check my watch when I wake up. It's only been an hour. Nino is beside me, scrolling on his phone. He hasn't realized I'm awake so I just look at him. He's great. He makes a move like he was going to take a photo of me sleeping and our eyes meet.

"You're up," he grins. Ugh. My heart.

"That wiped me out," I groan, sitting up. I'm still in all my clothes, though I don't know why I wouldn't be or why I expected not to be.

"You've never done that before. People are really into it," he turns his phone towards me and there's pictures of Chat in the firefighter gear. "Very heroic."

"Did anyone die?" I mumble. 

"They won't know for a few days," Nino makes a face, "Listen, you did so much. There wasn't anything more you could have done."

"It was so hot, Nino," I mumble.

"Were you scared?"

"I couldn't think about it. I've spent years doing stuff just as dangerous, maybe I just don't think about danger anymore."

"Because Lady could bring you back before. Or if you got hurt, it was fixed. If someone else got hurt, it was fixed," Nino rests a hand on my shoulder, "You need to be careful. You could have died, too. You're not a firefighter."

"I didn't think about it. Once I was there I just did it."

"That's what makes you a hero," Nino sighs.

"Maybe I need some water," I get out of the bed. I can't lay there with Nino. I really can't. Especially if he is going to say stuff like that to me. Like I'm worth something more than I am.

 

Marinette is on her roof balcony, looking up at the moon. Good. I won't have to knock.

"Mari," I greet her before I'm even there. Her eyes find mine immediately. How did I ever not know that she was my partner? Am I just stupid? Is it just the magic that made me not see it?

"Chat Noir!" she's pretty shocked to see me. She's always shocked to see Chat. What am I going to do? What did I even come here for?

"How are you tonight, little lady?" I ask her, drawing as close as I dare to. She smiles comfortingly. Damn I love her.

"Just taking a break from studying. My finals are this week. I saw that you had a pretty big day yourself."

"It's been a purr-tty busy weekend," I lean against the railing, "Thanks for coming to my exhibit."

"Maybe you can come to my runway shows in the future," she winks. Winks! So cute! I don't want to keep my hands off of her for any longer, I really don't. I don't think I can.

"I thought... there is something I want to confess to you," I venture. The smile falls from her face.

"You can tell me anything, Chat," she's serious.

"I love you."

"Chat..." she breathes. I can see the conflict behind her eyes now. I eye our surroundings just to make sure there isn't anyone who could accidentally see.

"Claws in," I say quietly, my gaze not leaving Marinette. The night feels cooler without the suit. "It's me. I'm sorry."

"Wh-why are you apologizing?" she swallows. 

"Because I've lied a lot to you," I reach out and brush my hand against her cheek. Marinette smiles.

 

"That's not your fault, Adrien," she says so quietly.

"I don't want to hide anything from you," I kiss her forehead. She pulls me down and kisses me on the lips. I slip into it so easily. I want her so much.

"You're really miraculous," she smiles against me. That's a good one! I laugh lightly. Here is where she tells me that she's my lady.

"I don't want this to change anything with us. I really am in love with you, Marinette."

"I love you too. I've always loved you," she's wonderful. I kiss her cheek. I wait for her to decide to tell me.

"Did you know already?" I whisper. She boops my nose with her index finger. A smile. It feels like something Ladybug would do to me. She is absolutely Ladybug.

"Do you not like Ladybug anymore?" she looks at me with those eyes. Those eyes that are Ladybug's too. How did I never see it? It's impossible that I am that much of an idiot, isn't it? How do I even answer this question? It feels like a trick.

"Maybe the love I have for her is different than for you," I whisper. I hope that's good enough, because it mostly sounds like I'm an asshole. I have told Marinette that I'm in love with Ladybug before. I've told Ladybug I'm in love with Ladybug, but I have told Ladybug that I'm in love with Marinette. I've told Marinette that I'm in love with Nino, too. So. Yeah. I really need to get myself under control. I really can't keep falling in love with anybody that gives me the time of day. Because it seems like that's what my deal is.

"Thank you for trusting in me." Isn't she going to say anything else? If I revealed myself, why wouldn't she? Is it because she's not Ladybug anymore? Is it because I said something wrong? Was she testing me earlier?

"I will always miss my Lady, but I-" Marinette cuts me off with a kiss. I hold her tightly. Please tell me now. Please don't let this happen to me again. I can't go through another misdirection like this. I can't handle it.

 

"I don't want to kick you out or anything, but I do really have a lot of work I need to get done. We can spend all the time we need together after school is done, minou," she smiles. It's so kind, but...

"What..." it's not what I want. It's not what I want at all. She needs to tell me too. That's only fair! Can I really not be trusted? Why would she still need to hide? It's me. I'm not only her partner but her boyfriend.

"Did you need to talk about it?" Marinette offers, "Did you need to talk about today?"

"I... I don't know. Maybe. But I... I wanted to tell you. I'm Chat Noir."

"That doesn't change who you are to me," she kisses my cheek. I guess if she wasn't who I know her to be, that is something that I would have liked to hear. But she's Ladybug and that somehow makes me want more from her. So much more.

"I'm Chat Noir and my dad is Hawk Moth," I start and I can't stop myself, "my new mom is peacock and my best friends are all the other heroes and my girlfriend is Marinette."

"What do you mean?" I don't like the way she looks at me.

"It feels like everything that's been happening for the last six years ago revolves around me and I... I didn't even know it." It is all me. Everyone is connected to me. I'm the link. The puzzle piece. "Everyone who means something to me has been in danger and you are now too."

"Adrien, I'm sure that it's a coincidence," Marinette takes my hand and squeezes it.

"If there are so many coincidences, why do I have to lose only Ladybug?" Please tell me. "Maybe everything would have been better if I weren't Chat. Maybe Ladybug would have trusted someone else."

"How could Ladybug not trust you? Your heart is so genuine. Chat Noir has always been so brave and so willing to sacrifice. There's no way she wouldn't trust that." Then why isn't she trusting me now? It's the only thing I've ever asked of her. All I've ever wanted from LB is for her to tell me who she is.

 

"I'm going to go," my chest hurts. I feel sick. Marinette grasps my wrist. So strong.

"Adrien... If you're upset, you can stay. I'll be with you. I don't want you to hurt yourself," she offers, I hear her heart in her voice and she's so honest.

"I'm just tired. If you stay up late, don't worry too much about breakfast," I mumble at her. How can I still manage this everyday stuff in my head when all I'm focused on is Ladybug?

"I love you," Marinette lifts on her toes to kiss my cheek again, "Have sweet dreams, kitty."

"You too, princess," I manage a smile. I ask for Plagg as I'm already jumping off the side of the building and I don't care if that's reckless or if it scared Ladybug or not. I find all her chastising texts on my phone when I get home, but it feels empty. Maybe she is just not ready to reveal herself. This secret has been our top priority for the greater part of a decade besides defeating my dad. But why wouldn't she be ready? Aren't we in love? Why does she want to hide? I'm going to wait. I'll let her decide when to tell me. I've been pushing her forever and it has never worked, why should it work now? At least I know that when she tells me, she's truly in love with me. 

 

I take a very long shower to rid myself of the smell of smoke that has somehow worked itself deep into me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He should just say that he knows but dumb is a really hard habit to break I guess


	24. Day 65- Batman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where we try not to spend so much time in Adrien's thought whirlpool about the reveal.

I watch the flames eat me. My flesh sears off and all I can hear is screaming and crying that is not my own. 

 

That's a bad dream. I really don't like that I remember it. Is it because it's not akuma related? Just how much was magic stuff protecting me from? Now I'm going to get PTSD from just normal shit or something? I should probably ask Ed. I reach for my phone, I still have two hours before my alarm goes off but I don't think I want to go back to sleep anytime soon. I message Ed and then check everything else on the Adrien side of the phone. Gossip about the watch commercial, gossip about the Chloe makeover. Someone has posted an article called 'Adrien Agreste's top 4 Hairstyles'. Gossip about whether or not Marinette is real or a paid actress. I remember why I really don't like Adrien. And to think that I thought this was cute yesterday. A text comes in from Alya. It's weird for her to be up this early. Or maybe she hasn't gone to bed yet. She's probably got finals this week at school too.

 

<you told mari?!?!?>

                                        <Marinette is the only one who didn't know so it only felt fair. I've even told Chloe.>

<damn what would 🐞 say>

                                        <She isn't the boss of me. She's not here to tell me what to do.>

<oh spicy!!!>

<u ok today?>

<one of the fire vics died dunno if it was one of yours or not yet>

                                        <I was trying not to look at news about it.>

<sorry>

<here if u need us>

                                        <Thx.>

                                        <Girl it's 4am go to bed!>

<ur the one likin posts rn i see u>

<im changing lblog over to stan cn instead>

                                        <Finally! I'm so flattered!>

<syke>

<🐞 4lyfe!!>

<cn doesnt need any more attention his ego baton already full exxxtended>

 

Right. I did tell Marinette about being Chat. Because she's Ladybug. Oh my god. Ladybug. Ladybug who I love so much is the same woman I've been bedding for the past two months. _That's Ladybug_. Ladybug whose skin tastes like salted honey caramel, Ladybug whose kisses blind me. Ladybug who rides my hand with my fingers in her, Ladybug who pushes me over and sits on my dick... Ladybug whose voice sends me into uncontrollable climaxes. _Marinette_. Marinette who makes me lose my mind. Maybe even my body knew that she was Ladybug. My body knew how much I wanted her. My body _that is really riled up_  from reviewing this information. I shouldn't have thought of it, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm fucking hard. All of my Ladybug fantasies -years of them- I can live out now. For the rest of my life. With Marinette. Or just right now, as the aching in my crotch wants me to know. No reason not to, right? My arms are really sore from all the people carrying I did yesterday... Who cares? I sit up further and pull my basketball shorts and boxers to my knees. I let out my own grateful groan as I wrap my fingers around my erection. 

 

I think about Ladybug doing it to me, like usual. Only now one that is Marinette. Marinette's voice. Her eyes. Eyes only for me. I pump slowly, but she wouldn't do it slowly to me. She would do it slowly to me to tease me. Ladybug's gaze stays on me, mischievously grinning as she teases. My breathing is heavy. I press my thumb against my tip. It won't be enough. I cup my balls with my other hand, rolling my fingers against them in waves. Yes. Ladynette climbs on me and takes control, pushing her body down on me. I think of her scent, her voice, how warm it is inside of her. The heat rolls through my body and I pump my hand harder. More. I need more. Her fingers slide down my chest to my nipples and she pinches them roughly. I shudder a little as I mimic it to myself. The pain clouds me. Her thighs bounce against my cock and I double over on myself with a tension that takes a long time to fade. I wipe the cum from my hands, trying to stop visualizing Marinette. Nothing ever seems like it's enough for me.

 

"What's wrong?" Plagg asks after I rack the weights back up. He stopped accompanying me on my workouts years ago but he's here today. I must be more of a mess than I thought. I just wanted to keep going on my arms like maybe if I worked them hard enough the soreness from yesterday will go away. I miss my lady's cure so much today.

"She won't tell me," I look at him. No sense in lying to my companion. No sense for anyone to lie about anything to anyone anymore.

"I noticed," Plagg laughs in that way that he does when he's making fun of me a little bit.

"Is there something I'm not getting?"

"I don't think so. I just think it's funny, you pretending like you don't want to be teased like this."

"Plagg." 

"Just saying. So that's really got you bothered, doesn't it?"

"Do you think she doesn't trust me?"

"She trusts you," it sounds so simple. So sure.

"Then why won't she say?"

"She doesn't have to."

"I'm her boyfriend."

"She's not Ladybug anymore," Plagg says and I stop breathing. He's right and I know he's right and I don't want him to be right. I am alone now if that's true. I sit on the weight bench, stunned.

"Adrien?"

"What should I do, Plagg? With our powers? There must be something you want to do. Some sort of goal."

"I don't really care what you do. I just want to stay together," is what he says. I blink at him. Here I thought I was just being a selfish asswipe keeping him with me, but our feelings about it actually line up? "Plus, you're an idiot. Someone has to keep your head on you."

"Am I always this stupid?" I wince. Plagg rolls his eyes dramatically.

 

What if Marinette really does want to leave it all behind? What if she's even more messed up than I am from all of that akuma stuff? She always bore the weight like it was her sole responsibility. She took everything much more personally than I ever had, that's for sure. I hadn't even died a whole dozen times but I know that Ladybug keeps every single one of those moments right there on her heart. It might be a relief to her to be able to let go of her double life. She's got a real life outside of Ladybug, too. One that she loves and puts all of herself into. Nobody knows how busy she is as Marinette better than I do- I mean I even have to follow her to her university classes to see her. Having to be a superhero on top of all of that? A huge sacrifice. And I've done the opposite of that. I'm turning Adrien into Chat instead. Does that even matter anymore, though? I keep thinking about what I want to do with my life and the answer really just might be 'be Chat Noir'. Then the question is what Chat Noir _is_. Who he is and what he should be without Ladybug. I'm not satisfied with the way that it is now, just being in the right place at the right time or random acts of kindness. Chat Noir should have a great purpose. Just like Adrien's great purpose is to be Chat Noir. I open up Twitter on Chat's side of my phone. <<What does Chat Noir mean to you??>> I scroll through all of the mentions and DMs that have piled up since I stopped looking for Ladybug. I'm not going to tell people that the search is off, so there are still a lot of messages of that nature. Invites to weird events or propositions for sex. Mentions with people's opinions about what I've been doing around town or my photographs. A lot about the fire. My managing agent calls and I blink at the sudden screen change on my phone. Time to go to work. Adrien Agreste still _exists_ , after all. My sabbatical from Adrien's life is almost over. Adrien can't claim victory over some bad guy and disappear off the face of the planet like Ladybug. Or like Chat Noir could have.

 

Given my horrific nightmare, was actually pretty nervous about the whole walking through flames thing I had to do for this commercial. I hesitated but otherwise had no problems. It went completely according to plan. Am I even scared of stuff anymore, or just of my father? A I really even still scared of him? I bombard Ed with all of that and my repository of other questions I've come up with for him the past few days. At least all the ones that aren't specifically about Marinette or Ladybug.

"so I can't figure out what Chat Noir should _do_  besides the whole Spider-Man thing."

"Spider-man?"

"He's my blueprint right now, I guess?" I shrug. Ed looks incredulous.

"Not Batman?"

"What?" I squint at him.

"Are you like... rich and wear black and have gadgets? Though I get the spidey thing with the pictures but I feel like he fits Ladybug bett-"

"Ed." I stop him. I have to stop him. I can't believe someone with a face like that is comparing _me_  to Batman right now. That's too much. Batman is way too cool. I will never be like Batman. "This is not what I'm trying to ask!"

"Well. Those are all comics and this is... real life, possibly.  You can't really expect another magical super villain to show up like that. Maybe some non-magic ones, depending on your definition of villain. You are a superhero because you have a compulsion to help others. That's all you need."  
"Can I be trusted to do that? You know how fucked up I am. What if something goes wrong and I turn into Hawk Moth? My power is destruction. I've never tested how destructive I can be, but I think it could be bad. Like, really bad. Millions of people might die, bad."

"You need to have more confidence is your own moral compass than that. You seem like you know the value of a life. And the value of a million lives. You don't let your emotions cloud your judgements when it's about other people," Ed says. I'm staring. Maybe if I had been talking to an Ed for the past decade I'd be fine. I hope Hawk Moth is paying Ed his weight in gold. Or something worth more than gold or a million lives. I wonder if Batman had a therapist. Did Spider-Man have one? Can I look that up? I'm going to look it up later.

 

I want to distract myself from obsessing too much about Ladybug/Marinette (current stage is: maybe it was just too spontaneous yesterday so she wasn't prepared to disclose her double life especially when she's so focused on finals and I shouldn't distract her more than I already do and I shouldn't have even told her in the first place) so I stalk Nino. As Chat. I know this is bad and like super rude. But I know he's going clubbing and I want to surprise him. I feel like I should probably do something for him since it feels like he's just one-sidedly been taking care of me for the past six years or however long but but I have no idea what to do for him. So I'm stalking him. Good one, Adrien. To dance together. Great plan. Sure he'll like it. I pay my way into the club like he does but I find myself a good hiding place in the dark. Because it's dark. It turns out I don't really need a hiding place given the number of people and the darkness, and the fact that I am definitely not the only Chat Noir here. I appreciate some of the variations on the Chat Noir theme, I really do. Since this is the situation, I do go ahead and get my superhero butt an alcoholic drink because I am not saving anyone but Nino tonight and there sure won't be any akumas surprising me or anyone recognizing me. I keep an eye on where Nino is in the crowd, I can pick him out easily even in the dark after years of looking at that hat. Doesn't hurt that he's fairly tall or overly enthusiastic in his dancing. Really doesn't hurt that I have better than average sight in the dark. I turn back around and order three shots of Fireball in addition to my cocktail because why not? If I'm already doing this I might as well do it right.

 

I get lost in the dancing. In the bodies around me and the noise that pulses through me. It's good. Songs slip by and I haven't made my way to Nino. Do I even remember that I'm here for Nino? I'm here for Nino. I lock onto him and wait for a lull between honestly some great bangers before scooting over to him. I catch his elbow between my thumb and forefinger to get his attention even though what I really want is to wrap my hands around his waist. I see him mouth my hero name as he looks at me with surprise. I grin.

"Dance with me, Nino," I lean close to his ear and yell it at him.

"You the real one?" he yells back. I can barely hear him over the bass.

"Yes, Daddy," I shout. He laughs. Or looks like he's laughing, at least. He starts dancing again and I do too. I forget everything except for movement and and noise. Like we're addicted to the sensation. I get why he does this. It all starts to blur together for me, I am certainly drunk. I place my hands on his hips and he dances against me immediately and I love the contact and the fact that it is Nino and that my whole body is pounding with all of these beats. Throbbing. I find his face close to mine and all I'd have to do to kiss him would be to close this 9cm gap. Nino closes it for me. His lips taste like spices and his whole mouth is wet and soft and I can't get deep enough into him. My heart is going to jump out of my fucking chest. Maybe I'm in heaven? I pull away and he takes my wrist, moving his mouth. There is no way I could distinguish the words probably if we had been in a quiet, soundproofed room. I shake my head in a daze. He pulls me through the darkness, between the masses of electrified dancers and couples and right out into the sidewalk. The humid night air revitalizes my senses a little, but not much.

 

"I kissed a super hero! I've got a two out of four record," Nino laughs breathlessly. He is lovely and sweaty and his eyes are happy and satisfied in a way that only EDM does to him.

"I think I've technically got four out of six." I have seniority, too. That has to count for something. Like I don't know if I came first or if LB came first but we have tons of time on everyone else regardless.

"Nope, out of suit doesn't count. Alya's rules, not mine."

"That knocks my score to zero unless you start counting _accidents_ ," I complain, "But hey, sorry for crashing your clubbing time bro."

"Dude, crash it whenever you want!"

"It was fun," I side-step to catch my balance again.

"Are you drunk?"

"Well... yeah..." I run my hand through the hair at the base of my neck, "I don't usually drink in costume but I figure there aren't any akumas or anything..."

"Okay, dude. Let's get you home," Nino chuckles lightly. At least he's not judging. Or at least I think he's not.

"Get on my back!" I kneel down.

"What?"

"Seriously! Get on," I laugh, "We can take the rooftops, it's fast! Can you stay over at my place or should I take you back to Cesaire?"

 

"Hey, don't de-transform," Nino pets my Noir ears as I get a stable footing in my room. He slides off my back. 

"I can't feel those, unless you pull then I feel where it's attached to my hair. One time an akuma ripped one ear off and I had a bald- what?" I forget what I was talking about immediately because Nino has dug his hand into my hair and I feel the pull.

"Maybe we can... with the suit..."

"Plagg won't. And I can't take it off. I can't feel a lot of pain with it on, either," I move my head so that my hair tugs tighter. I _can_  feel that.

"That's fine," Nino shakes his head and pulls my head over for a kiss. Despite how roughly we got here, it's soft and sweet. 

"I have claws," I warn in a moment of lip separation.

"Yeah." He doesn't even care. Nino! I press into him and remove his hat from his head so I can run my palms at the sides of his head and the sensation is both dulled and oddly heightened because of the suit. He takes a step forward and I take one back and our lips don't separate and a few more steps later I am against the rock wall. Some of the protrusions dig into my back and my shoulder blade but I don't care. I touch as much of his torso as I can once I am willing to let go of his head, careful not to scratch or rip anything with my nails. How am I even thinking this clearly right now? Nino grabs my butt and I whimper into him and I suddenly feel really cold.

"Nuh-uh. No. No way, not doing it," Plagg. Damnit. I sigh in frustration.

"Oh, um... sorry dude," Nino apologizes. I untangle myself from Nino's rock wall kabedon to get Plagg some camembert so that he doesn't hate me for the next two weeks.

"Sorry? It's already more than enough that I gotta use my powers to _encase_ all of that human stuff and then-"

"Plagg. We're sorry. I'm drunk, I forgot." It's worth a shot, especially since I am pulling the wax paper from the wheel as I speak.

"You did not forget! You just said I wouldn't like it and you did it anyway! The dancing is okay and the kissing is okay but if you're going to get all hormonal-"

"I get it. Peace offering."

 

"Sorry," I bite my lip and look at Nino, who is still standing where I left him.

"Dude he looks just like you."

"Yeah I'm not very creative, I know," I chuckle nervously.

"Why mess with perfection?" Plagg preens, mouth full. I smile. I _coulda_ been Batman, Plagg could pass as a bat I think.

"But you can like... take the suit off without undoing the transformation, can't you? As long as you keep the Miraculous on?" Nino is motioning around with his hands. I frown.

"No, all I can take off is the belt. And the cell phone holder because that was a later addition," I add on. Maybe I need more to drink. That will help. What were we doing a minute ago? Making out? Can we just go back to that?

"You ever like... try?" why is he so concerned about this? Oh. Ohhh.

"You and Rena did it transformed?"

"Heck yeah, man."

" _What the fuck_ ," I breathe. I don't even know what to do with this. Wait. Was Nino trying to sleep with Chat Noir? Is that what just happened?

"Never. Happening," Plagg is reading my mind now. Has he always been able to read my mind?

"It's cool. But you really can't get out? How do you pee?"

"I go back to civvies for that?"

"What, you're just carrying extra food around so that... oh," Nino seems to regain control of his body and he goes and lays down on my bed, stiffly. I am really jealous of him, somehow. But none of this is what I wanted to talk about or to do tonight. I wanted to do something for him. I mumble something and go take a shower. If he's so curious about my hero outfit he can grill Plagg about it I guess. Ladybug wouldn't care.

 

Oh fuck, Ladybug. I did manage not to think about her for... almost five hours! That is probably an all-time world record gold medal for me because I literally never stop thinking about her. Only Nino can do that to me. Or alcohol plus very loud dubstep, apparently. My hair is still pretty wet when I sit down on the end of my bed.

"I told civilian Ladybug who I am and she didn't tell me that she was Ladybug back," I swallow.

"Wow harsh!"

"So I think that's why I acted like this today."

"Bugs really gets to you, doesn't she?" Nino smiles.

"I thought that she was my everything but I'm so angry she wouldn't say. Like I don't deserve it, and I think that she is probably right and maybe I don't deserve to know and that she really doesn't want me and she doesn't trust me. Nobody wants me."

"That's not true. Everyone loves you, man. And I want you. Marinette definitely wants you," Nino's trying to be supportive but I feel my shoulders tense at the mention of Marinette.

"For all of the time that I've known her, I don't think that I understand Marinette at all. Maybe the same for LB," I say. Exactly the same for Ladybug, actually.

"Come lay down," Nino pats the bed. I follow the instructions, staring up at the ceiling. "Listen man, I know you're frustrated but you just gotta trust Ladybug, too. It's a two-way street. You guys are a great team because you understand each other. You and Mari, too. Whatever kind of lustful understanding that is. But you click, right? It'll work out."

"Thanks," I sigh.

"Maybe next time we will do a catwalk," Nino says decisively. I peek at him from the corner of my eye.

"I want you to do anything that you want, that Plagg will let you do. I feel like I owe you so much, bro."

"Nobody owes anybody anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the next chapter "Day 66" before I wrote this one and this was originally going to be a catwalk session but hey whatever


	25. Day 66- The Right Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guess what Adrien is not the only asshole here whose been studyin Chinese for like a decade 
> 
> it's me I'm the other asshole

I sit upright with a gasp. Nightmare. I check my watch, only ten minutes until the alarm is going to go off anyway.  Man. I am sore. I'm afraid to check on the bruises. Nino stirs, rolling over.

"Bad dream?" he sounds groggy.

"I think so. I can't remember any of them. I've never been able to, but yesterday I dreamed about the fire. I remember it," I tell him.

"So that's weird, then?"

"Does Alya remember her nightmares?" I ask. Nino frowns, rubbing his eyes. I wonder where his glasses got to.

"She says that she doesn't."

"I think that was Ladybug protecting us. Whether she knew it or not." Because Marinette would absolutely wipe away all of our traumas for us if she could. And she could, so I think that she mostly did.

"Should I ask Fu about it?" Nino offers after considering my theory for a while.

"No, it's not really that important." Master Fu. I am more than overdue to go visit him. I can ask him myself. "Do you have nightmares?"

"I... I don't know, now that you've said that," he looks really bothered by it, "I always just... thought I don't dream. At all."

"Sorry. I've just been thinking about Miracle Cure a lot lately." I turn on the TV, it's already on mute and the news. Perfect.

"Because of the fire? You know the cure wouldn't have worked on something like that."

"We don't know a lot about how or why it works. I'm just... it's harder on my body without it and that scares me. What's it going to be like when I'm 30? 50? Imagine me a 90 year old Chat Noir!" I start to laugh a little. I'd be exactly like Mermaid Man or something.

"Well first- 30 isn't old. Second, glad to see you planning to live that long. Third, you would _absolutely_ still be Monsieur the great Noir at 90," Nino smirks. At least he doesn't see me ever giving it up, too.

"Maybe I'd pass it down to my children instead," I shrug. Nino has found his glasses.

"No. Only the guardian or I get to choose," Plagg interrupts, "Or I won't work. No dynasties after what happened in Egypt."

"Egypt?" Nino looks curious but I know that's already more information than Plagg would usually divulge. Though I feel like he's been a little more cooperative lately. I feel like I remember something about Egypt but honestly I've fought thousands of akumas so of course probably at least three of them have had something to do with Egypt.

 

Nino and I meet Marinette (Ladybug!) at my house gate and I pass her a paper cup of milky coffee and she trades us our muffin orders. Bless you Monsieur Dupain, you are single-handedly keeping me alive with your carbs. I lean down and kiss Marinette and then press my lips to her cheek and then to her jawbone. I catch sight of her ears. She still has her earrings. The same earrings she has always worn. The very same ones that I gently attached to her in the crypt the day we unmasked my father. She still has her Miraculous. Even though Ladybug is supposed to be gone. 

"Adrien?" I think I know why she still has it. There can't be only one person out there with superpowers. Exactly like what I've been worried about. It's one thing for me not to trust myself, but wouldn't Ladybug trust me? I'm Chat Noir. We know each other better than anyone. Nino claps me on the back.

"Dude. Let's go," he gently shakes me out of my deep contemplation. File it for later. With everything else. Where am I going to get the time to go through all these files and figure everything out-

"Are you okay?" Marinette takes my hand. I give it a light squeeze. I love her! I don't care if she doesn't trust me. My whole life loves this woman. I love her so much. Marinette is the best! She's Ladybug!

"Never better! Let's find somewhere to take a _break... fast_." Breakfast. I'm proud of it. Hard to come up with good puns without crazy weirdos attacking you for inspiration.

"Really dude? The second we both know about CN you're gonna open the pun floodgates?" Nino complains over the sound of Marinette's groan. The groan of exasperated patience that I am all too familiar with out of a certain heroine. I grin at them in silent confirmation.

 

"老师好," I say quietly as the old man opens his door to me. I feel the shame dripping off of me.

“好久不见, 小黑猫," Master Fu greets me back fondly.

"好久不见. 我很对不起你. 我没过来因为我害怕-" he holds his hand out in front of my face to stop my stupid apology for not coming sooner. I shut my stupid mouth immediately.

"情景," Fu老师 invites me inside. I sit down slowly at his table.

"How are you, Adrien? I was worried about you when they said that 蛾子 was your father," he is gentle about it.

"This kid tried to Cataclysm himself," Plagg wastes no time in outing me.

"I'm better now," I sigh.

"我明白," a nod of acceptance. I never expected anything less from Master Fu.

"I have a lot that I need to talk to you about, but first... Plagg and I don't want to be separated," I say. No use asking all the other questions if I'm not even Chat Noir at the end of the day. I'm really not interested in knowledge beyond selfish reasons, I realize.

"We must not let the Miraculous get into the wrong hands, and you are not the wrong hands. I chose you for your selflessness, you will sacrifice yourself before any others." Dude what a thing to say after Plagg's just told you I'm suicidal.

"Then why does 花大姐 still have hers too?" I shoot back pretty rudely, which is unfair and I feel another well of shame rising in my gut for treating  Fu老师 the same as I would Dad. He pours us some tiny cups of tea. I take it sheepishly with both hands and manage three little sips. Waiting for my answer.

 

"Ladybug always drinks hers in one gulp, she is always in a rush,"  Fu老师 chuckles to himself. I find a smile at my lips too, it's very easy to imagine that being the case when it comes to Marinette. Always at her own nervous pace. Hurried for unknown reasons. Well, maybe known now. Unlike Marinette, I have nothing but time. I take another sip and refill his cup for him too.

"It is a failsafe for if something happens to one of you. If your Miraculous is compromised by your father or someone else. It is I who convinced her," his eyes twinkle at me, "You've learned her identity, then?"

"Not on purpose. I told her who I was when she was Ladybug, before I knew about her. 你还知道? ...but when I revealed the same to her civilian side, she didn't reciprocate. 为什么?" I plead for his explanation using my best kitten begging face. I know it's a good face. I've practiced it.

"She is better at following the rules than you are," he chuckles. That is not an explanation. Or an answer. That doesn't help me _at all._

"她是我的奴朋友. It's dangerous for her now regardless of what we know or don't know about each other."

"Your girlfriend?"  Fu老师 looks _extremely_  impressed. Or maybe surprised? I pull up our Facebook pictures from the selfie photoshoot at the Love Wall and hold my phone out for him to see. He coos about what a cute couple we are and how he is happy for us. Basically exactly what Marinette's Nonna did only with more Mandarin in it. The irony of using Mandarin for the mundane things and French for the top secret stuff is not lost on me, we definitely have it all backwards today. I pour tea refills. Master Fu's tea is always the best.

 

"My next ten questions are about Miracle Cure," I better get this whole conversation back on track now that I'm done showing off my super hot girlfriend like Fu老师 doesn't know her already or something. 

"In that case, I am not sure how many I will be able to answer for you." Great. That really inspires a lot of confidence in this whole magic business. Why doesn't anything make sense? Nothing has made sense to me since we added costume changes, to be honest. To be even more honest, none of it has ever made any sense and I am just really good at rolling with things.

"Like stuff is just there if we need it for something, it all _just happens_. And I think that if I keep going... I'm going to need a miracle cure. I can't keep messing up the face of the seventh hottest man in the country."

"只有第七 hmm?"

"Actors," I explain simply, "But I think... there should be a way that I can do something like the cure. Like... LB wasn't actually creating anything, right? She was just fixing things that got messed up? Why can't I do that? If I have to do it by taking things away because Destruction power... couldn't I _erase time_?"

**Silence.**

Silence for a long time. I don't refill the tiny teacups. I don't move. Plagg doesn't meet my gaze but I stare hard at the top of his head, watching his whiskers float around ambiently.

"哎呀..." Master Fu finally sighs. I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I don't like it.

"I think intention has more to do with all of it than anything. Like what does the Butterfly Miraculous usually do? Probably doesn't possess people, right? And Ladybug has three powers- Lucky Charm, Purification, and Miraculous Ladybug for the cure. I've only ever had Cataclysm. Specifically only one power. So I might have some... more... that just never revealed themselves because we never needed them for fighting Hawk Moth because Ladybug's were better suited. Or because the other powers of destruction are too dangerous for a fourteen year old," I'm talking a lot, "But I am probably the strongest that I will ever be right now, and I think that I am going to need more powers than a one-shot crumble-grope if I'm saving the city alone."

"I see," Fu老师 stands up and retrieves an ipad. I don't think the internet is going to help, because if it did I would have already found the answer with all of my superhero Googling. Man. If people look at Google searches it is probably super easy to figure out my identity like how they do for terrorists and stuff. I should probably do something about that.

 

" _Nothing happened_ ," I complain to Plagg immediately. I beat up a  _whole_ street gang just to make up a very clever name (Shadow _Fur_ -get) only to have it not work. Literally any words (Miraculous Chat, Miraculous Noir, Miraculous Ladybug, etc, etc, etc) did not work. Now I've got another black eye and my ankle is super fucked up and I have nothing to show for it. Negative anything to show for it. I'm up on the glass roof of the Grand Palais. It's between trade shows right now so the place is essentially empty. I'm pretty confident nobody's going to spot Adrien Agreste up on this rooftop anytime soon.

"It's not something anyone has done in a long time." Is Plagg being _supportive_?

"What should I say? You told me the word for Cataclysm."

"It's been sealed. Like how I couldn't tell you who Ladybug was."

"Plagg. Plagg, buddy. You _are_  a genie," I shake my head.

"We should keep trying, but maybe without bad guys this time?"

"We have like 78 more years until I'm 90, don't we?" I fall back and stretch out, resting my head on my arm. It's getting later in the day. I wonder what Marinette is doing right now. It would usually be her studio time but she has finished her collection for the semester already. Maybe she's studying for more tests tomorrow again? I don't really know how fashion design school works. I've only been following her to classes I should have paid attention to the curriculum schedule but nah I was just there for personal interests apparently. Boy I am real selfish.

"Can I ask Ladybug?" I realize that I've been pretting Plagg for maybe the last five minutes or so but I don't stop. He probably wouldn't like it if I stopped even though he would never admit something like that.

"Do whatever you want as long as I get some cheese."

"Sure, buddy."

 

"Mari," I was careful to change back to Adrien before bursting into the fashion design studio. She hadn't been at home so this was the second choice, and here she is. Totally alone, standing in front of an empty dress form with a pincushion on her wrist. The smile that she gives me is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life and makes literally everything worth it. Everything.

"I had portfolio review today, it couldn't have gone better."

"Of course! You're amazing," I pull her into a deep kiss.

"What happened to your face?" It doesn't take her long to notice my new injury once our lips are separated.

"A very long story but I was trying to see if I could use Miraculous Ladybug. So I had to let someone hit me and cause some property damage to test it all out," I whisper. I feel her body tense under my hands.

"You can do Miracle Cure?"

"Obviously not," I laugh. I curl my fingers into her cute shirt. I just want to be with her and hear her voice and some other not so innocent stuff. I need her to tell me she's Ladybug. I know that she trusts me. She has to. I just want her to tell me so that we can... we can what? Share all of us with each other in the mutual knowledge that there is no other person we know better and that we would die for one another? Something like that? Maybe?

"I don't like you getting hurt," she says quietly, running her thumb lightly across the skin below my eye. I lean into her touch.

"That's why I'm trying to get my own Miracle Cure," I smile, "I can't do anything you won't like."

"You're going to keep being Chat Noir, aren't you?" her eyes search mine and I might get lost in her.

"The only good thing about Adrien Agreste is you," I kiss her. This probably won't help her tell me about being a superhero at all but I'm not going to lie to her. I can't lie to Marinette, and definitely not to Ladybug.

 

"You keep saying stuff like that but I love you, Adrien," she whispers to me. You still don't love Chat now that you know he's me? 

"Marinette," I am totally seduced anyway, it's bad. I kiss her again. I can't even be mad right now.

"Adrien is kind and works hard and cares about others and you've always said the things that I needed to hear. I've always been looking at you, Adrien."

"I... thank you," I sigh into her neck. I want her so bad.

"You have to know how amazing you are. You're special and there are so many good things about Adrien Agreste, okay? Not just Chat Noir."

"Can I..."

"What about the door?"

"I can get the door, or I can take you up to the Eiffel Tower or something romantic," I grin, kissing her ear.

"No, just the door. Don't start abusing your superpowers just to romance me, kitty," her laugh is soft and light and glimmers in my heart. With great sacrifice, I remove myself from her arms to go lock the door and cover the window. We're alone.

"You don't have work to do?"

"Maybe I need a break," she blushes. It's so cute. I am connected with her again before I even know it.

"I'll help you de-stress any time, boo," I cradle her face in my palm. She rests her fingers on mine, a smile on her pink lips. My heart swells with how much I love her. I pick her up by the waist and set her on one of the sewing stations, this makes her closer to eye-level with me than before. I press my forehead against hers, staring into her.

 

"I've always been looking at you, too. Even if I didn't realize it," I whisper. She gives me a quick kiss, not breaking eye contact.

"I know you have."

"Did you know I was Chat before? You didn't seem very surprised..." I smile, searching her. If I can plead with a look, I am sure that I am doing it. It's not my begging kitten face from earlier, but something more desperate. Realer.

"I had suspicions, but I knew for sure when I um accidentally uh borrowed your phone and um saw what you were doing to find Ladybug."

"I'm sorry," I apologize quietly. I don't know what more I can say about it. I don't want to tell Marinette something like I'm not super in love with Ladybug, because _I am_ and also Ladybug is _her_. And her legs are around my thighs and her eyes are right here staring directly down into my soul and I want nothing but her.

"Do you love her?"

"From the second she challenged Hawk Moth that first day we had powers... it moved me and I was devoted to her ever since. Now she's gone," I breathe. I think I can feel my own pulse. Please, Marinette. Please.

"You love a lot of other people, Chaton," Marinette pouts. Most of me wants to laugh but the part that doesn't want to laugh _really_  doesn't want to laugh. You're really going to call me that when you won't tell me who you are?

"I don't know about that," I mumble, giving her another little kiss, "I really don't know about that."

"Know about what?" she asks. I squeeze her sides.

"If there is anyone else that I love," I can't stop myself anymore and a shaky hand starts on her blouse buttons. She closes her eyes and kisses me with a ferocity I've only ever imagined. I grip her waist with one hand and finish the shirt buttons and clutch at her breast with another. 

 

Marinette whimpers hungrily and my brain kicks into some horrible overdrive. My lips drag across her skin and she arches into me. Dieu, Marinette. What are you trying to do to me? Her hands slide from my hair down my back and it's like a current pulses through me from it. I can't help the undulation from my throat and in response Marinette pulls me closer to her. If that is even possible. I run my hand down her leg and push her skirt up her thigh, my lips not leaving her neck. A hand presses against my crotch. _Marinette!_

"Mari-"

"It's okay. It's safe. Just do it, Adrien. I want it," she pants at me. Oh no. I can't. That's too much. Oh no. While I was busy being shocked, Marinette has undone my pants for me. And I pick exactly right now to remember that this is LADYBUG. Oh my god. Oh no.

"I can't I can't," I shudder a little, pressing my face against her boobs and pulling my hips back away from her hand. I'm dizzy. This is like some sort of sensory overload. Her hands go back up to my hair and I take a deep breath. I have to get myself together but I just want her so much I can't stand it.

"We can wait until you're ready," Marinette whispers, shimmying out of her panties. You are not waiting at all right now, Mari! Definitely not waiting! This isn't giving me any time at all! Get it together, Adrien. This is Ladybug!

"Okay. I'm here, it's good," I chuckle lightly. I am definitely not good. And also glad we are not doing this on the Eiffel Tower or something. Marinette kisses me and it feels amazing and my heart rate skyrockets right back up. Her fingers find my erection again and holy shit. Ladybug really _is_  forward when she wants to be. I was not wrong on that one.

 

I grip her hips tightly, pressing what I can against her. The table's height is making the angle more awkward than usual but Marinette uses her fingers to guide my dick to the right spot. Her voice rings out in a nice, steady moan as I push into her and it makes me feel like my whole body is a part of hers. My heart won't calm down and I can feel it physically beating at me in my chest like I just ran a 10k or something. I wrap my arms around her and attach my lips to hers. She clings to my shirt. I feel wave after wave of crushing desire echo through me with every push into her, and her muffled moans of pleasure cloud all of my other available senses. I feel like my body is buzzing. I can't let this ever stop. I love this specific woman with every single atom that is mine. I lay her back across the table so I can lean over her a little bit but it's too high up to be more effective than the position before. This does give me easier access to her breasts and I bend over to lay my tongue on a nipple. So the only advantage that comes from not actively engaging Marinette's mouth is that her voice is free.

" _J'taime_ ," it slips through some of her gasps. I feel like I see stars. I blubber out her name somehow, tugging on her waist. This angle is too hard. She slides off the table and my stomach twists in a real bad way when my dick isn't inside of her anymore. Marinette turns and leans over the table, tugging her skirt further up her torso. I realize that I've still got all my clothing on, not that it matters. I carefully push back into her and perform some exploratory thrusts that send waves of heat crashing against my face from inside of my head. I fall into a good pace where I can maybe focus on what I'm doing and I reach around to her chest, pressing myself against her back.

"Yes, Adrien," she whimpers. I speed up and her cries are louder and less regulated. I have to have more of her. I have to get as deep as I possibly can. Her knees buckle a little bit and I feel her thighs tremble, but I hear her small scream and that's what pushes me over. I press in as hard as I can and I feel like I am even dizzier than before.

 

I slide out in a daze and Marinette spins around to face me. I kiss her, sliding my arm around her back. I hold her for a while. I have no idea how long.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too," Marinette kisses my cheek. Things are starting to come back into focus so I take a half step back but let my hands stay on her. This is Ladybug, with her blouse open and her breasts pushed out of her bra and her skirt hiked up around her hips and the pincushion still attached to her wrist. And she loves me. Adrien, me! Somehow. Even though I deserve none of that love from her. She pushes herself back into her bra so I start to fasten her buttons back together for her since it was me that undid them in the first place.

"That was amazing," she whispers shyly.

_"Now_  you're going to be shy?" it was something I meant to think and not say, but I can imagine exactly what my expression is as I said it because I watch a hell of a lot of footage of Ladybug and Chat Noir. A cocky smirk with a lot of sincere tenderness on it. If nothing else, that's how I feel. Marinette blushes. Not one of her deep embarrassed blushes, but a nice cute pink one that suits her. I realize that we've just fucked at her school and in her studio and this is kinda like... in public a little bit and also not super romantic. But it was hot.

"Um... can you get me... some of that scrap fabric? The blue," she mumbles, her blush deepening. _Oh_. Oh no. I _came inside her_.

"Oh shit Marinette, I'm sor-"

"It's fine, Adrien. Just... the cloth, please," she bites her lip. So cute. I stuff myself back in my pants as I retrieve the swatch of blue and she kisses my nose when she takes it from me.

 

"I don't want to kick you out or anything, but I do have this project I need to finish," she smiles at me, all of her clothes back in order. She reaches up to pat at her top bun, a lot of hair has come loose.

"Here, I'll help with your hair," I sit up on the sewing station this time, it makes me even more taller than her. She turns and leans back into me and I pull the bobby pins out of her bun, letting it all fall down. I hold them between my teeth for safe keeping.

"I feel like I spent all day missing you but I just saw you this morning," she tells me. I chuckle. Same. I can't answer because of the bobby pins. I run my fingers gently through her hair. Maybe I should braid it. Does Marinette even know that I can do hair? I just spent a lot of time with Chloe and in the fashion industry, it's not like I learned anything on purpose, really. I probably won't even have to explain to her. Marinette just always accepts everything about me.

"I keep feeling like we're moving too fast and then I see you and I can't help it." Are you in my head, Marinette? You know what, I bet this is another one of those stupid Miraculous magic things. Either the fact that we feel the same, or the fact that we have gone into this lustful overdrive about each other. Maybe we are just in the honeymoon phase? Maybe it's just years of pent up desire and we are catching up on it. Something about it isn't normal. I've slept with other people, I know that I have never felt this way with someone. Not even when Nino touched me. I've braided a band that swoops over from behind her ear up to where the bun will be now. I relinquish one of the bobby pins into it.

"I've just been in love with you for so long that when you're not with me I feel like the whole thing was some sort of daydream. Then I start thinking about what if Chat Noir gets himself into something he can't handle alone or if your dad hurts you or if you..." she takes a shaky breath, "I never thought things would be like this."

"Don't worry about Chat Noir," I try to say with my teeth clenched around the bobby pins. I twirl her locks into a loose bun and work on pinning it together. Maybe I should have done a french twist instead, it would have been easier for her to work in.

"I've always worried about Chat Noir. Everything about him makes so much more sense now that I know he's you," I finish braiding the one last strand and I work it into the bun and pin it, freeing my mouth.

"I was beginning to think that you really didn't like Chat at all," I say, "All done."

"Thank you," she tips her head back and I give her a quick upside-down kiss. She laughs. "I just didn't understand him. He's hard to take seriously when he's such a goof."

"Thanks," I rub the back of my neck. Having Marinette between my legs again is really not doing me any real favors, I realize.

"You're just being funny to hide your pain, and I should have known that."

"Marinette is the only person that I ever showed Chat's pain to," I promise her. Oh. I came here in the first place for a reason, actually. Almost forgot.

 

"Mari... you're pretty creative. If you were going to come up with a new superpower for 黑猫, what would you call it?"


	26. Day 77- Elastique

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Heads up, this chapter is from Nino's perspective instead of Adrien's.

Keep your cool. It's chill. This will be totally chill and normal. Yup, normal. What kind of dude doesn't tie up his best friend slash platonic soul bro on a regular basis? I for real think this is pretty normal now. Pretty sure Adrien's always thought that it was normal, though. He doesn't know better. All I gotta do is stay cool. Pretend like Alya's not there while remembering that she is. It's chill. I glance over at Alya again.

"You're nervous," of course she's gotta call me out like that.

"At least it's just you and not Mari too." Because the way to make this anything less than the normal it already is would be to add in the girlfriend of the best friend you're tying up. Adrien was very fast to shoot down Marinette's request to watch too. I think she's bent up about it but I'm relieved as hell. She thinks she'd be cool with it but she wouldn't be. Als will be super chill. I'm curious to see how Adrien reacts to her watching. It doesn't seem like he's into humiliation but it might trigger an extra response in him anyway. I hope so. He says he's fine with it, but Adrien is the kinda dude that just agrees first and regrets it later. 

"She says Andi's been really weird since he told her about Chat," Alya says. Yeah, well we've all been weird. Adrien's always weird. I don't even dignify this with a response. I'm not gonna defend it, that's not my place. Adrien and Marinette can work out their own stuff. 

 

"Nino! Alya!" there he is. Looking innocent and happy to see us. Alya hugs him, kissing cheeks. We bump fists lightly instead. Very bro. Much hetero.

"We aren't climbing up the side of your house today, are we?" I question dubiously. Adrien tilts his head back slightly and laughs, it's deep and sheepish. 

"Nah, my parents went out to do stuff for the wedding," is his explanation. What wedding? We move past the mansion gates. Is he fucking engaged and forgot to tell us?

"Who's getting married?" Alya has my back here. She would have probably heard something from Mari, right?

"Dad and Nathalie. It's like next week. It's going to be the rich people event of the year, probably. I think when I get married it will be the opposite of what they've planned," Adrien says, casually. Casually like he will run off to elope with Marinette tomorrow. I wouldn't put that past him. The only thing stopping him from already having done that is probably Mari herself. She wouldn't want to do it without her family. I should probably stop thinking about this now because it's making me feel weird. We are already excluding Mari today. I feel guilty. Doing shit to Adrien that she will never do, seeing a part of him she will never see. And she's the one he'd elope with.  Well or Ladybug, probably. He hasn't said anything about Ladybug since finding out who she was. Maybe it went wrong? Or maybe he just really likes Mari enough to give up on the Bug. That makes logical sense, but not when it comes to Adrien. Especially when it comes to Chat Noir.

 

Adrien's bought a chair. The rest of the chairs in this house are crazy fancy and too big. We either can't move them or it doesn't work for the whole bondage thing. There's Ikea packaging junk in the corner. Imagine Adrien Agreste building a fuckin chair. Dude. I wish I had been here. He's probably never built anything in his life. And he built it for this. Phew.

"So, how does this start?" Alya asks. I blink. Mindset. Be cool.

"Uh..." well I've forgotten to discuss with Alya exactly what our dynamic is supposed to be here. Am I in charge of her, too? That'd be a joke. She's mostly supposed to keep quiet and not do anything, we have discussed that much. Adrien shifts uncomfortably. This is weird. This is going to be so weird.

"It doesn't have to be weird, guys," what am I talking about, "We all want to do it, so it doesn't have to be weird. Just be chill. Where do you want to be, Als? We can move the chair wherever, is that okay?" I look at Adrien who nods with that faraway look in his eyes already. This is going to be a mess.

"Cool, I am going to set up here," Alya dives onto Adrien's bed, casually dumping our bookbag at the end.

"Nothing sexual, Als," I warn with a sigh. I am super up on that she's gonna get off on this but Adrien won't be comfortable with her doing that here and especially not in his bed. This isn't about sex for anybody but I don't think she totally understands that. Cool. What have I done? I knew better than to agree to all this.

"Yeah, I know," she's emptying the bookbag. Wine, an aluminum wine glass. This woman! Adrien is laughing. Okay, dude.

"Get the chair," I tell him. I turn away and empty my pockets onto his desk. Mindset. My chill is kept, this is going fine. Totally normal. "The rope, too. All of it."

 

"So uh... sit down, Adrien," I direct. His great height is effectively cut in two. I bend down and pull his shirt up over his head. His chest is stupid ripped. It's offensive. Always thought it was just that he worked out a lot and apparently he does but it's really just all that pole vaulting across the city all the time. I'm a superhero too but dang, bruh. Something else entirely. He should be in the Olympics for something. And I'm about to tie him up. Awesome. I find the collar and I fasten it around his neck. That's what makes it official. I glance over at Alya, who raises her glass silently. Nasty fox!

"Are you comfortable? You're going to be like that for a while," I warn Adrien.

"Yes, Daddy," he looks at me hopefully, anticipation all over his face. He's like a kid. Adrien wants everything immediately because he doesn't know anything else, and he's just glad that someone is paying attention to him. I'm going to make him wait so much today and he is going to hate every second of it. There won't be anything he can do about it. I kneel down and start winding rope around his ankle. I take my time. By the time I'm done with his legs, Adrien has started to get antsy. I pretend like I haven't noticed. I go even slower when I wrap the rope around his arms. I only go once around his torso because I need that real estate for later. I check and double check all of the ties and that I can slide my fingers under. I check a third time just because I can see how impatient he is. I want his time. All of it. It is his only resource that matters anything. And waiting drives him nuts. I've learned a couple of things that drive him nuts. Or does other stuff.

 

"Does it hurt, my prince?" I lean on his shoulder and say next his ear. I can feel Adrien swallow. It turns him on and he's embarrassed that it does... so, perfect for this kind of thing.

"Oh, he doesn't like that name," Alya comments. I ignore her, but I see the panic in Adrien's eyes. I don't need him to forget how long he's been waiting for me to hit him. I go stand in the line of sight between the two of them, holding my finger up to my lips.

"It doesn't matter if he likes it or not, but he likes it," I wink at Adrien. He bites his bottom lip. If I didn't know better... well, nevermind, "Tight anywhere?"

"It's good," he breathes with anticipation. I take a step closer to the seated blonde and lift his chin up with my finger. The tiniest hopeful flinch at his eye.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay with the blindfold?" we've been texting about it. His eyes dart all around, barely meeting mine at all. He is not chill with the blindfold. He's upset that I haven't started to hit him yet and he's trying to decide if he should say something to make me start. It's not going to be that way today, prince.

"You won't leave me," how the fuck is it that Adrien says stuff like that? How am I supposed to keep from falling harder for him if he says shit to me like that all the time? I take a sturdy gulp of air before going for the bookbag. I got a new blindfold. Mari helped with this, actually. It's just some sheer fabric and you can more or less see through it if you want to. It should be okay. Just fine. Totally cool. Alya takes a sip of wine, smiling at me like I just bought her a pony or something. I am definitely getting laid later.

"Tell me if it's bad. I won't leave you and I won't stop," I wrap the fabric around his head. He seems surprised. I can't see his eyes anymore to be sure, but he can't see Alya now, which is the point.

"This works, thank you," he smiles, it's devastatingly handsome. I hate that I think that about him.

"Stay."

"Yes, Daddy."

 

I brush his hair back with my fingers and that destroys him all on its own. Dude's sensitive as hell. He's like a cat that is dying to be petted but doesn't know that they are. Hey, all these cat metaphors work way better since he's Chat Noir. All that leather. I should have him buy some leather stuff. He'd apparently be comfortable in it. I am careful to lightly brush the tip of my finger around the edge of his ear and his whole body stiffens. He is going to hate this. One, 'cause he's already hard. The prince thing did it and everything else makes it worse. Two, 'cause he only wants pain and this is not pain. Third, he is really ticklish. I dance some fingers over his ear and the way Adrien whimpers is wild. It should be illegal. Just totally banned. I spare a look at Als who is shook as hell, I can tell. Time to double down. He laughs in a totally desperate way as I continue to tickle him. Adrien squirms and tries to press his ears against his shoulders, but I pull on his hair so that he can't. I stop so that he can breathe, it's surprisingly heavy and ragged.

"How are you, kitten?" I'm actually pretty worried, he is breathing unusually hard.

"Sucks."

"Good," I keep myself from laughing. I kiss his forehead as an apology. That shit really gets him, too. He whines. Bruh, don't do that. Alya is watching. I tickle him a little more and stop. I repeat it over and over again, giving him enough time to breathe in between but not enough time to relax or really recover. I work my way down his body with my fingers. I pause at his nipples, which gets us more of that illegal moaning but I get to his hips, where I give it up. Adrien pants at me, whimpering. I ask him again if he's okay and he just complains. 

 

He is trying to get me to hit him now, he might accept literally anything that's not tickling. I don't think I should start hitting yet, I want to make him wait more. Not a whole lot of time has passed. Adrien can't see, so I can't just leave him alone to wait either.

"What kind of bad stuff have you done lately?" I ask. We usually don't talk a lot because he isn't interested in demeaning stuff, but Alya's here to listen and this seems like a safe subject. One we've had before. A time-waster. Adrien is frowning. I grab the bookbag while he is distracted and dig around in it. All of the stuff in his supplies has an inherent consent attached, but it's all way too extreme. We need something a little less than the shit he would plan out if he were in charge here. One, I do way more research than him. Two, I am way more prepared. Alya seems mesmerized, her glass of wine is basically untouched. Adrien is quietly airing his petty perceived misbehaviors. I'm glad that he's comfortable enough with us to be able to say these things. There's some stuff I don't like it that I want to reassure him about but now isn't the time for that. I don't like that he didn't take his meds today but that's the only real thing to discuss later. I stretch the rubber band between my thumb and forefinger and press my fingers against his shoulder. I can see his confusion even though he's blindfolded, maybe he's confused because he's blindfolded.

"What if I punish you?" I offer gently.

"Please, Daddy," Adrien is so fast to ask. I pull back the rubber band a little and let it snap. He flinches with surprise, a little yelp.

"Is that what you wanted?" I press him. He nods his head wildly. I choose the rubber band spots carefully after that, working as slowly as possible. The crack of the elastic against him isn't enough to push him into the usual frenzy, but it's enough to satisfy his need for pain. I should be able to draw this out for a very long time. I won't, but I can. Maybe another time I will just rubber band him all day. That'd be fun, too. Chat Noir, completely defeated by the junk drawer.

 

Adrien's started to laugh a little bit after the small flicks instead of the little peeps of pain. Not cool. I guess I should stop beating around the bush. He's been sitting in that chair for a while, too. I should probably have him change position.

"I'm stepping away for just a second, okay minou?" and Adrien nods his head, "Tell me if you're uncomfortable."

"I'm okay," Adrien hangs his head a little. He's probably tired. Or I guess he would be if he were a normal person. But then again, stamina's never been Chat Noir's main talent and that is with the suit. I gotta stop thinking of him as being two different people but it's a hard habit to overcome. I never thought about Chat Noir more than in a practical way, but I thought about Adrien all the time.

"Als, which would you prefer?" I hold up the crop and the flogger for her to decide. Her eyes widen a little bit. She really had no idea. She just thought we were doing weird sex stuff? I kept telling her about the pain play but I guess she never stopped to consider what exactly was happening.

"That one," Alya picks the flogger. He'll like it. I almost ask her if she has any other requests but I don't. I have a pretty good handle on what she likes but it's not about her right now. I'm in charge and we're doing what Adrien likes.

"Hey chouchoute... I'm going to change your ties, okay?" Gotta be nice to him so he doesn't freak out. He hasn't really freaked out before, but I am super aware of the possibility of that. He's not like a mentally strong person or anything. If I am mean to him at all it would probably break him in a not-cool way. It's kind of a shame we have to exclude all the demeaning talk stuff that would usually happen in this kind of situation, but I don't think I could talk bad about him even if he did want me to.

"Okay," he mumbles at me. I put the handle for the flogger in his mouth and he kind of laughs around it a little. I untie his ankles and then his arms, working a million times faster than when I originally restrained him. 

"You can stretch a little, but sit in the chair backwards," I whisper at him. He rolls his shoulders and hums, not reaching for the flogger. "Good boy."

 

I tie him loosely this time, Adrien won't know the difference. His hands together and his shins to the chair legs. The arch of his back is something else in this pose. Alya's probably looking at his butt but I am definitely not going to think about that. I take the flogger from his teeth.

"Everything okay, mon petit?" I let the leather strips fall against him gently. He's sufficiently teased.

"Please hit me," he pleads, his voice high-pitched and funny. That's not what I was asking, but okay.

"Patience."

"Daddy, please!" he groans with frustration. I bring back the flogger and swipe it at him, it hits across his shoulders with a sputtering smack. Adrien hisses in pain. I look over my own shoulder at Alya, just to check. Her mouth is hanging open. Man. She really had no idea. Good. This is going to be a really good show. I check in with Adrien but he is fine and more than excited that we've finally gotten to the hitting part of this. I need to be relatively gentle and slow because Adrien should be really sensitive by now after all of that buildup. I want to hit him as hard as I can, honestly. It's like a little not cool. This is Adrien and everything he represents and what he is to me and here I am torturing him. Honestly it feels good to have so much power over him. I've always felt kinda secondary in everything, or I guess like a little inadequate or something. My best bro is this famous blonde white dude and I'm just like a backup superhero while he's the real deal. And it's Adrien and I love him, like I do, but I can't help how I feel about it sometimes. Like, am I good enough? Doing this somehow fixes all of that. I've got a confidence now that I hadn't in a long time. All of that deep shit plus the fact that apparently I am into him. I raise my arm and hit him again and he moans. The way he vocalizes his pain is hot. It's crazy sexual and he doesn't even know he's doing it. It's really weird that I like this- him, this much. He thinks this way about me too. Wild.

 

It's weird as hell to do something cruel as an expression of love, man. Weird that it's love at all but I like really care about him. So I can't really deny it. I did make him suck me off too which I should def not think about right now. Als is totally looking at me. I hit Adrien a few more times, spacing them out based on his body language. I really don't want him to break yet still. I want this to go on as long as possible. I press the back of my hand against the light pink marks that are appearing across his shoulder blades. 

"How is it?" I lean in close. I should have gotten ice, I forget every time. I can feel his heavy breathing and racing pulse. Like a scared rabbit. 

"More," the amount of desperation in it makes my heart skip a beat or two but whose keeping beat anyway?

"More what?" I snake some fingers into his golden locks and his head falls forward under the small amount of extra weight.

"More, Daddy. Hit me," he is having a hard time saying it. I have an erection now too but I do my best to ignore it. I keep Adrien's head pushed down as I swipe the flogger against his back four times in quick succession. Adrien's body arches with the pain and I see him shiver. He is so close to his ege. I don't want him to fall but that's all he wants. I don't know if its cruel or kind to let him break at this point or if he even wants me to be either cruel or kind to him here. Would he like it more or less if I keep dragging it out? I squat behind the chair so that we are face to face and I take the blindfold off of him. Adrien blinks at me a few times in a hazed confusion. His green eyes are watery and distant, his face red.

"More," Adrien begs. I kiss him instead. I love the way Adrien kisses. Like you're literally keeping him alive. His mouth is soaked and fleshy and I let this kiss go on for as long as he can hold out. I wonder if his kisses with Marinette have as much there as ours. Probably. I stand back up slowly, my legs a little stiff. I rub my hands into his head. Alya's got her arms folded tightly around herself. She's really into it.

 

I flog Adrien carefully now, watching his reactions as I go. His moans of desperate pain tip me off that he's breaking. I change targets for a second to strike his butt through his jeans and that instantly induces his tears. Alya is probably worries that he's crying and I used to be too, but I know that Adrien will figuratively die if I stopped now. I don't hit him as hard but he reacts like it's even more painful, his uneasy sobs filling up the room. I can pick out words in it occasionally, like 'Daddy' or 'more' or 'don't stop' which is all normal. He won't hear me if I respond, though. I think he completely disassociates when he gets to this level, but I also think that is exactly what he needs. That's what Adrien is looking for. I didn't warn Alya about any of this and I will have to explain it later. I just didn't want to scare her out of coming. I mostly don't want her to tell me to stop doing this with Adrien. That's what I'm most nervous about. I hit him one or two more times once his crying has dissolved into an uncontrollable weeping. I untie his hands and hold them in mine. I press my forehead against Adrien's and wait for him to come back. His face glistens with tears and snot and drool and I like him this way because I am responsible for it.

 

"Nino," he finally chokes out my name and pulls as hand out of my grasp to wipe at his face. It feels like a small loss.

"I'm here," I assure him, letting go of his other hand to pull apart my loose knots at his legs, "Do you need help to stand up?"

"Maybe," his breathing is shaky. He steadies himself on the back of the chair to stand and I keep my hands on him just in case. We stumble the three steps to his bed and he drops there unceremoniously. Alya is on him in a second.

"Oh Andi, are you okay?" she's whispering. He's fine. We scared her, I know that we really did. I see the shock and fear in Adrien's face for a second. He forgot about her. Totally. Completely forgot she even existed. He's still not completely mentally back yet, either. But he relaxes into her hands after a few seconds. I sit too, petting his head. He will probably fall asleep. I can tell today was hard on him. 

"I love you guys," his voice is soft. I slip a hand in to unfasten the little collar. I don't really want him sleeping in it again. 

"We love you too," Alya tells him. At least I don't have to say it out loud. Adrien sniffles.

 

"He won't sleep for long," I whisper at Alya, retrieving the salve from the bookbag. Another thing he's never gotten for himself, but I'm happy to provide it. Even though we've never explicitly discussed it, he's a model and we can't damage his skin. I don't think he really wants to be a model, though.

"Holy shit, Nino."

"It's way different than what you thought, isn't it? You can take your time to process if you want," I mumble back quietly, checking Adrien's arms. I haven't left any rope marks but there are indents from the chair. I should have him buy a different chair.

"Nah I think I get it," she whispers, pulling away from our blonde friend and sliding off of the bed. I can see the look on her face.

"I can't leave him right now, but if you need to whatever..." if my girlfriend is even half as aroused as I am right now I'm sure Adrien won't care if she takes a shower or something. If she goes home I'll meet her there later, anyway.

"I want to do it here. He's sleeping. He won't know."

"Not here," I pout at her, "Remember, you agreed. No sexual stuff."

"O-kay..." she sighs dramatically and pushes her glasses up her nose. Alya makes her way to Adrien's bathroom. I really want to go with her.

"It's bad but I almost kind of would have been okay with that," Adrien mumbles. Okay with _what_ , exactly, bro? Als on a solo mission or with us banging here? He had just been pretending to be asleep. The nerve.

"You need to keep _some_  of your boundaries, dude. Roll onto your stomach," I instruct so that I can put some of this lotion on his welts, "Body feel okay?"

"Achy," he answers, complying.

"Head feel okay?"

"The best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took so long to post this because I hated this chapter. No matter what I did it just wasn't working like I wanted it to and I couldn't post it that way... but it also cannot be skipped. No idea where the idea to switch the POV came from but it functions much better after rewriting it as Nino. I don't think I hit the voice consistently since I'm so deep in the Adrien, but who cares- this saved me. Merci Nino, you're the goat. 
> 
> The good news is that the rest of this story is basically done, I just need to fill in some bits and edit. Thumbs up emoji. Hashtag.


	27. Day 85- Best Man

Plagg is not enjoying any of this. He has to be cooped up in my pocket all day and it's for _Hawk Moth_. I have custody of the wedding rings and he's making his displeasure perfectly clear by pushing the packet out of my pockets at every opportunity. Usually Plagg likes shiny shit but I guess this is where he draws the line. I put up with it, though. He's allowed to be as moody as he wants. I don't really expect any of this to be any fun, either. I've already been through a stylist and makeup artist today. Almost worse than an actual fashion show. I've been very patient through all of it. Very small price to pay for Nathalie to be my mom- it's practically free. My hair got coiffed back at some point, which kind of makes me look a little bit more like Dad than usual and I am super not sure how I feel about that. I'm used to getting told that I resemble my mother, but I don't think anyone will be mentioning her today. I swear if anyone says that I look like my father I am going to go jump off Tour Montparnasse. Yikes. That's maybe something to unpack with Ed on Sunday. I keep the hairstyle out of courtesy. Dad probably wants everything to look perfect. I think that I would too. Maybe I get that from him. I am just having way too much in common with Dad lately and it's making me really uncomfortable. I guess he was a little bit successful at his attempt to groom me into a carbon copy of him. Or maybe people really do all become their parents eventually. That's scary. There's a whole new girl fulfilling what's traditionally Nathalie's role today. I don't know if this is the wedding planner or if she's Dad's new assistant or even what her name is, but she has us both standing out on the front steps just as the limo pulls up. Impressive timing. I catch the rings as Plagg drops them out of my pocket again. 

 

I'm going to be the opposite of Plagg and try to focus on the positives today. I get a new family member officially and the food is going to be great, and I am really excited to see what Marinette decides to wear. She's been working on it since summer break started and won't show me or tell me anything about it. I bet she's going to look amazing. I'm not going to be prepared for it. I accidentally make eye contact with my father.

"Are you nervous?" why am I striking up conversation? I would have been perfectly fine imagining about Marinette for this whole car ride. Dad gives me a wry smile.

"Perhaps," Dad says. That's vague.

"I bet Nathalie's nervous," I shrug.

"What for?" I have his immediate attention. It's a little bit cute if he weren't my father.

"Because shes marrying Gabriel Agreste. That's a lot of pressure."

"Pressure? I'm the one that has to marry Nathalie Sancoeur," he shakes his head. I laugh a little.

"She's gonna be so tough on us," I agree. Dad nods his head and looks back out the window. Nathalie will save us, she's always been saving us.

"I hope that I can protect her better than your mother," Dad says. What? I stare at him in shock for a second.

"Things are going to be fine. Besides, you've got me."

"Thank you, son."

 

The wedding and reception are at Le Pavillon Dauphine Saint Clair. It's super luxurious. The fanciest place that you could possibly get, holds a thousand people or something. Everything is gorgeous. The interior is belle epoque and stuff, very Parisian, but the decorations are amazing. My dad really is a designer. Sometimes I forget that. The ceremony is just as beautiful. Fast and nonreligious, Dad and Nathalie both wrote all their own vows. I didn't realize they could be so... _romantic_. And I'm a little grossed out by it, but I'm also really, really happy for them. I see the smile on my father's face. I never though I'd see anything like that again after mom left- disappeared. Died? Died. Anyway, he's happy now. They're in love and I'm so happy about it. There are so many Important People of Paris here, it's truly incredible. The event of the year, for sure. Just the way Dad and Nathalie wanted it, I'm sure.

"Adrien!" Marinette. I turn away from watching Dad and Nathalie to her beautiful smile. 

"My minette! Look at how beautiful you are," I grin. Her dress is positively ethereal, it looks like the fabric is glowing in the soft purple event lighting. 

"You are handsome today too!" she kisses me. I wrap my hands delicately around her waist, careful not to mess up her outfit. I don't know if I could, though. It just looks delicate. Handle with care. Just like Marinette, before you know she's Ladybug.

"I could never match how beautiful you are," I whisper. She blushes at it. I pull her face to me and kiss her again, but deeply this time. This is the woman I love and I will never be with anyone else. Someday I'll marry her too. Probably not here, though.

 

"Can I call you mom now?" I take the seat next to Nathalie and Marinette stands beside me, hand on my shoulder but looking out at the dance floor.

"Oh gods no," Nathalie shakes her head. I laugh.

"I'm glad this finally happened. I'm happy for you," I lean close to tell her so that she can hear me. Nathalie practically beams back at me. I've _never_  seen any sort of smile like that from her before. Wow. I feel a small rumble of my childhood crush on her rear its head but I squash that back down deep. She's my mother now! Sitting here in a fucking Gabriel exclusive wedding dress.

"That means a lot, Adrien. You have really been on my side lately, and I appreciate it."

"That's just what I think is right. I know you can help him if he listens to you," I grin. Nathalie pulls me into a hug and I wrap my arms around her too. I'm so glad.

"I am really glad that you're finally related to me," I tell her.

"I am as well."

"I love you, Nathalie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post all of the remaining chapters at once next week because otherwise it is too much cliffhangers. Also this is the end of fluff time. Sorry. 
> 
> I really want to warn you for the next one but I don't know how. Just remember how to breathe?


	28. Day 103- Nino

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Death & Grief. This chapter can be completely skipped over if you need to. The next chapter reviews this one sufficiently without having to experience the angst.

My watch goes off and I mentally chide myself about the alarm yet again. I sit up and grope for the button that makes this terrible alarm retreat. It's not an alarm. Someone is calling me at 4 in the morning. Ugh. Why are people like this? I am going to answer this call just to give them a piece of my mind. Alya? It's Alya. At four in the morning. What the fuck, girl? Are you drunk?

"Adrien."

"What?" I snap at her.

"It's Nino..." I almost don't even hear the rest of it. I think I don't remember hearing the rest of it. **_Nino's been shot._**  My heart stops. My brain stops. Everything _stops._

"I'm coming," I say. Probably say. I think I get dressed. I think Marinette talks or something. I don't remember if I responded to her or not. I don't know what I've said or not said to my girlfriend. It doesn't matter. He's at Necker, I don't really remember Alya even telling me that, but I have filed it in my brain as an important fact so she must have said it. I'm Chat Noir and then I'm Adrien again, I don't notice the time in-between. I run into the emergency wing and immediately spot the group that I belong in. The air is thick with anxiety and Alya immediately attaches herself to my arms.

 

"What happened?" I demand. Maybe it's insensitive but I don't care. I need to know.

"They shot him," Alya cries at me. What? Shot? Who did? Who would? How could anyone come across the most wonderful man on the planet and decide to shoot him? I stare at the top of Alya's head, she is buried in my chest and I can already feel the wetness of her tears through my shirt. There is an officer, a detective, that clears his throat.

"We believe Nino Lahiffe was the victim of a racially motivated crime." What. What the fuck?

"He was at a rave," Alya wails at me.

"On the street, those fuckers just _shot him_  with a gun. He was alone!" Nino's brother says to me. I look around at the small group. Nino's mother is crying into his father much like how Alya is crying into me. There are three of Nino's clubbing friends standing anxiously together but that is all. The whole audience for Nino's time of desperation.

"How is he?" I don't know how I am even asking. It's obvious he's not okay. I don't know what I'll do if he's not okay.

"We don't know yet," the brother is saying again. What's his name? I pull Alya down into one of the seats with me. I can't stand anymore. She's in my lap and wraps her arms around me tightly. I am really glad that she is holding on to me because I definitely need someone to hold on to, too.

 

My chest wells up with anxiety. I am so worried for Nino. He is my whole world. He has to make it through this. He has to. Nobody knows where on his body he was shot or what his chances are or how bad it will be if he does make it through. This is completely infuriating. I've never felt so helpless. Never. Every single minute that ticks by feels like an eternity. Alya's grip on me burns with the same dread that I feel in every part of my gut. The anticipation of the fact that things won't be okay is so much worse than if someone had just told us to begin with. Every single brain cell that I have is analyzing all of the possible outcomes. Even the worst ones. I don't know what I will do. I don't know how I will react. He just has to be okay. He has to. The minutes tick by. It feels like days. I'm so tired. I feel like all the life has left my body and I am only a shell. I can't cry like Alya because that is giving up. Nino won't give up. He's Carapace. He's the best of us. I don't know how much time has passed, time doesn't seem like a thing that matters much anymore. Even though I want it to move both faster and slower, I don't know which yet. I have zero concept of how long it has been when someone in scrubs approaches our group with an air of duty.

"He didn't make it."

His mother _yells_. Alya lets out a long, devastated wail. I feel my mouth work, too. Other cries of grief. It's a symphony of agony that permanently etches itself uninvited onto the most important part of my soul.

 

"Who did it?" I grab the detective. Alya's pulling at my clothing in protest.

"Please calm down! They have been apprehended. Justice will be served." Not my kind of justice. Not the kind of justice where Chat Noir Cataclysms them all out of existence. No. No, no no no no.

"No! No!" It's all Nino's mom can say, yell, cry. Over and over, just like how it's playing in my head. I can't stand it. Nino's _gone_. The weight of everything that never will be comes crashing down and I feel the tears at my cheeks. He's not even gone by accident. Someone murdered him _on purpose_.

"Take me home," I don't even know how Alya is saying anything right now. I just stare down at her. "Now, Agreste!"

"Y-yeah," I swallow at her demand. We cling to each other's arms as we make out way out of the hospital.

"We can't do anything, you understand me?" Alya's voice cracks. I open my mouth to answer but nothing comes out. There's nothing to say. There is nothing that I can say. Words really don't matter at all. I transform behind a Morris column and Alya reaches out to me. I take her back to the apartment and we both stand there, afraid to move. Like maybe if we take one more step it will erase more of Nino away. Alya crumples to the floor. My transformation runs out or Plagg drops it, I don't know. I slowly kneel. I can't believe it. There's no way that Nino is dead. My _best friend_ and I wasn't even there to protect him. I put a hand on Alya's back and she lets out a scream. I want to do the same but I can't get my body to react to my brain. I just listen to her scream on her own.

 

" _I don't want to lose my best friend. I am more scared of that than anything,_ " an echo of him from my memories rattles through my consciousness. I don't know where his voice has come from or why it is playing in my head now. It hurts too much right now.

 

Everything feels bad. I don't know how long it's been. Alya has stopped crying and started to cry again several times, I have too. She's gotten up to pour some water but she is covering her face with the bottle of Perrier and sobbing. I should help her. I need to help her. This is my fault. Chat Noir should have protected Nino. I have a headache to match the ache in the rest of my body. My chest feels like it has caved in on itself and I... I'm lost. 

"What am I supposed to do?" she sobs heavily. I walk over and take the bottle of water. I unscrew the cap and pour it out for her. I find a straw someplace because we are both shaking. Does it even matter if we spill Perrier everywhere, though? Maybe we should drink wine. Alya sips at the water and I open a bottle of wine instead. I get more glasses from the cabinets. I pour us each a splash.

"Adrien... it's seven am," she says weakly, a small laugh followed by more crying.

"Fuck it," I shake my head.

"He'd still be asleep," she leans down over the counter. My stomach drops out of me completely and I finally completely break.

 

" _Hey bro, we are worried about you,_ " Carapace's concerned face flashes through my head.

 

Le Chien Kim comes over. It's the weirdest person to see. It's weird that he is the first. Kim's brought us two dozen croissants and juice bottles. None of the three of us say anything and he leaves on his own. It's like he hadn't even been here except for the food. We don't eat it. We don't answer the door after that. We don't answer our phones. It passes unsaid between us that there is no one else that understands, all we will need is each other. Nothing and nobody else. Except for Nino. Nino.

 

"Maybe I'm dreaming."

"Yeah," I agree.

"I have to be, right?"

"Yes."

"Adrien."

"Yes?"

"You love him?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Good?"

"We were going to get married after we graduated."

"Congratulations."

"He thinks you're going to elope with Marinette."

"That's a good idea."

"What about with Nino?"

"It's different."

"How?" she asks. I don't have a response. Because it isn't different. It's only different because Marinette.

 

" _You are ticklish. I was wondering, my prince._ " 

 

There is an hour or two somewhere where we live like normal human beings. We take showers and watch television and discuss practicalities of the whole thing. What we should do, how we are going to find clothes to wear to the funeral. I text Nathalie to ask her to arrange clothes for us. We decide that I'll move into the apartment with Alya or we will get someplace else if it's too hard to be here. Neither of us foresees wanting to be alone in the near future. We don't know what to do with his electronics, his music. We have to keep all of it. We call people and text people about what happened. She is the one that sends a text to our group chat about it to tell Marinette since neither of us think we can handle having to talk to her. I stare at that group chat for a while, Nino's name on the group list. Alya has texted Nino that Nino has been killed. I ask her where she thinks his phone is. We don't know. He probably had it with him. His hat? I think it's in my room. Should we tell Master Fu? We decide not to tell him yet. All of the practical things. Everything that needs to be done. We don't eat, but we look like humans. Alya tells me that she's tired and we stand together in the doorway to the bedroom. We mutually decide the bed is too sacred. So we build some sort of futon on the floor in front of the couch so that we both fit. I pour us more wine. Three minutes into an infomercial and we are both a tearful mess again, desperately clinging to one another.

 

" _Chat Noir, bro, she is taken_ ," Nino says.

 

"Chat should have done something," is what I say at some point when my brain is going through a phase where it seems like it is working.

"Like what?" Alya sniffles. She is tucked completely somehow under my arm. I don't know the answer.

"Anything."

"Where were you?" it's not accusing.

"Sleeping."

"Me too."

"If I had been there... If I had been with him instead of with Marinette..."

"Then maybe you would have been shot, too," she chokes. 

"I'm bulletproof."

"He was, too," I've got Alya crying again and I feel guilty about that. I let her calm down a little bit before I say anything else.

"I have to do something."

"There isn't anything we can do."

"We are magical superheroes. There has to be something."

"Stop it, Andi. He's _dead_ ," Alya says. I feel the word hit me physically. It tears through my chest completely. I roll into Alya with a wail. Nino is dead. He's my whole existence and he is just gone now. He'll never do anything he would have done. There isn't any future for any of us. I hate it. I hate it so completely and it hurts so much.

 

The regret comes.

The pain of absence comes.

 

The fear of forgetting like you have to preserve every single memory that you do have because you won't get any more and you can't afford to lose any that you have. The memories are now the most precious items you own. I want to go back in time and give him everything so that I would have more memories to keep of him. So that I can keep more of him. Why is there so little of Nino? Everything that is Nino that still exists now feels so parse. All of him is intangible now. It's not fair. The world should be more full of him. He was my world. I have nothing. Alya has nothing. I want to die, too.

 

" _Tell me if everything is too much. Please. You don't have to wait for morning to call me. You don't have to wait until I'm out of class. I will be here for you, you're my best friend. I couldn't stand to lose you._ "

 

I'd die for Nino. There is a way that I probably can. I spend hours trying to talk myself out of it but I am very clear about what my feelings about Nino are. I have to save him and I have to do everything that I can. I spend the next hours grappling with what I am comfortable sacrificing- and the answer to that is everything. I've made a decision, am I prepared? Can I make it the whole way without changing my mind? I have to fully commit to Nino. I am dying for him. It's a much better cause than just dying for myself.


	29. Day 104- Ladybug

I had been so scared of becoming my father. Nino was supposed to save me from that, but there isn't much that he can do about that now that he's dead. Or he's dead _for now_. Dad was trying to bring Mom back. That was his whole thing. The whole goal. There is a way to do it. To make it happen. It's too late for Mom but Nino's only been gone for twenty-eight hours and twenty-two minutes. And I have felt all of that time deep inside of me like a black hole. A black hole like Cataclysm. I only want Nino. I don't care what else happens or what I have to give up. I have to bring Nino back. I have to become Hawk Moth. I don't even care. I don't. I really don't care. Alya stirs in my arms.

"Alya... do you want breakfast?" I murmur.

"No," is the quick response. I can hear the pain in her voice even from just the one small short word. I don't respond because she doesn't want me to. I don't move because there's no reason to. I delve mentally into the Hawk Moth Strategy. I have to get the Miraculous from Ladybug. I can do that. Anything to bring Nino back. Then what am I supposed to do with it? It's a while before Alya says anything again, snapping me out of my terrible brainstorm.

"I think I need to be alone for a while, Andi," she croaks at me. I obediently untangle myself from her. I go out the window. Because who cares? Nothing fucking matters anymore.

 

My father is working in his office just like Nathalie said that he would be. I just look at him for a while, trying to stir up my courage. He looks more perturbed than usual, but I'm much more volatile than usual, too. He sees me before I'm ready.

"I'm sorry about your friend, Adrien. I know that Nino was very important to you," his condolences hit me like a bag of fucking bricks. I can't. I clear my throat the best that I can.

"You said you were going to bring back Mom. How do you do it once you have both Miraculous?" I channel all of Chat Noir that I can for the strength. Everything heroic that I've ever been- needed in order to say a simple sentence without breaking down.

"I know you want to save your friend, but Ladybug has been gone for months."

"She hasn't. Not really. I can get them," I say shakily. My dad pulls his fist up to his chin, thinking.

"And you're sure? Both that you can get the Miraculous and that you want to do this?"

"Positive," I swallow. I can do it. I can fix this. Nothing is going to stop me. Nothing. I'm Chat Noir, and that's what it means.

"I understand what it is like to lose someone-"

"And you tried for six years! I know! It's not fair to deny me the chance now!"

"I wasn't saying that," Dad retrieves an old tome from the bookshelf. I recognize it immediately. He holds it out to me. He's really handing the Miraculous book over? To me? I snatch it. For Nino. I flip to the back where I'm guessing the knowledge about welding multiple powers at once is, and I'm not wrong. It's all in the same code, same photographs as Master Fu's images. The pictures are of _this book_.

 

"You wear and activate both the Miraculouses simultaneously... and you will be granted unlimited power," Dad tells me. Wait. He _understands_  this ancient chicken scratch? I slam the book shut in my palm.

"What are the activation words?" I sound cold, distant. It won't be _transforme-moi_. This is too powerful for that.

"What is it that a coccinelle and a chat noir have in common?"

"Don't test me! I don't have time!" I yell. It's so loud that I hear it echo in the house somewhere.

"You have plenty of time. This is the power of divinity," he frowns at me. I take a deep breath. There is no way that I can think right now. But if this is a test I have to pass for Nino, I will pass it. Divinity, huh? More powerful than a god. Exactly how powerful I need to be.

"They are both harbingers of a change in fate," I hand the book back over to him, "I'm not waiting. What are the words?" I demand. He wraps his fingers tightly around the spine.

"If you get more than one wish..."

"I can only sacrifice one life," I shake my head, "And it would be too cruel to bring Mom back now. This is why I have to hurry. Before we are all drug down further into this pit of despair!"

"Miracle Omen."

 

"Chat Noir." I know that voice. I whip around.

"Clo-B?" she is somehow Queen Bee right now? Did everyone just lie about giving up their powers? She takes a soft hold on my arm.

"I heard about Nino," her grip draws me into a hug.

"I'm going to fix it," I pull away from her embrace with what I hope is a hardened determination. Because I am doing this. I am.

"I'll help you," she pledges without hesitation. Her loyalty means everything to me right now. It's something to ground myself with.

"Good. Because we might have to fight Ladybug," I watch the hesitation flicker in the expression on Chloe's masked face. I can't blame her. I wouldn't pick siding with Chat Noir over Ladybug, either. And I know how deep her admiration for the savior of Paris is.

"I'm going to Marinette's," I tell her slowly. Chloe tightens her hands into resolute fists, kind of like she does when she's angry and about to tell you off. Is she going to tell me off? "I'm going to talk to her so please just wait to see if I need help before coming in. I know you guys aren't really-"

"I get it. Let's go," Chloe rolls her eyes at me. I steel myself with a deep breath. I'm not doing this alone. I have my friend here to support me. I try and suppress the invasive feeling of gloom down into where I can't think about it. All the physical parts of me can feel that Nino is gone and I hope that it doesn't slow me down more.

 

I break into her room with absolutely no ceremony. Marinette is on her bed, obviously in the middle of grieving. She sits up and holds her arms open wide for me and I can't help myself but to rush into them. Marinette sobs into my shoulder and everything inside of me coils into a deep terribleness. I can't hold back my sorrow anymore, either. Not here in Marinette's arms. I grip her to me tightly. Permanently. Our bodies convulse with our shared sobs of anguish. I can't let this happen. I can't let it be real. I'm here to stop this. Get yourself together! I breathe methodically, trying to calm myself while Marinette continues to wail. It's going to be okay. Everything is fine. I am going to fix this. I loosen my hold on her and tilt her chin so that she can look at me.

"We can bring him back and I need you to help me," I hear how my voice wavers. I can hear how I am one second away from disintegrating completely.

"What? How?" she blubbers out between sobs. She sniffles heavily, uncontrollably. I can't regret this.

"I have to borrow your Miraculous, sweet lady," I whisper, voice breaking. I can't regret this. It's for Nino. Marinette is immediately frozen and she stares at me in horror, with giant blue and red and very wet eyes. It only take a second but she recoils from me. A fresh pang of a different and new sort of pain cripples my heart.

"No... No!" the pain in her hoarseness feels like it could break me if I wasn't already broken.

"Please, Marinette!" I beg her. She wipes her face with her arm, backing away to the other side of the room defensively. I was right. My heart tightens. She won't let me do it. Of course she wouldn't.

 

"You know you have to trade one life for another! The balance!" she is doing her best to compose herself, to pull out her Ladybug persona and push aside her grief and betrayal.

"Not if what I'm changing isn't the fact that he's dead," I argue. It's my cover story. I would try it, but there would be no guarantee. And I need a guarantee. Maybe she knows that it's a lie.

"We can't risk it!" she shakes her head. I swallow, standing up to my full height. I have to crush down my feelings. I have to do this. I have to bring back Nino. I'm fixing it. No matter what. Nobody will stand in my way. It will just get worse if we keep arguing about it. I don't want this to ruin us more than it already will and continuing to talk will do even more damage. I don't want to leave her with too many terrible memories.

"I have to do this. I'm so sorry," I pull out my baton and rub the tears from my face. The expression of horror on Marinette burns into me. I'll never forget it.

"You're going to let it be you?" her voice is weak and shaky. I extend the baton out to a staff. Plenty for such a small space.

"Please let me borrow your earrings. Please trust me," I shake my head, "Just this once. Please."

"No, Chaton. Tikki... spots on," her words are venomous. I should have taken the earrings off of her when we were embracing but I had to try to ask or nobody would ever forgive me for this. There is no time, now. I rush at her and we collide the second her transformation is over. She slams into the wall with a definite crack. I don't want to hurt her. I really don't want to hurt her. Ladybug slides her arm under mine and throws me to the floor. She threw me. Fuck. How could I forget how much better she is at fighting than I am? Why am I so bad at strategy?

 

"Chlo!" I shout as loud as I can for Bee, dodging the flying yoyo with a roll. I see a blur of yellow.

"Chloe?!" Ladybug gasps in surprise.

"Marinette?!" Chloe mimics mockingly. If this wasn't a serious situation, I'd laugh. Instead I push myself off the floor in a flip. Ladybug has kicked Queen Bee aside and turn in time to grab my staff. We tug-o-war on it for a second before I use the inertia to swing my body at her. The sound of my baton skittering away across the floor, but at least I've pinned Marinette down. I reach for her head but Ladybug has other plans. And it hurts. I hold my face where her yoyo collided with me. The sounds of Ladybug and Bee struggling with each other is all I can make out, I'm seeing stars. Marinette is so much stronger, I have to help Chloe. I have to get the Miraculous. Hawk Moth tried for years. Years. The only thing that even gives me a glimmer of hope that my chances are better than his is that I need it. And I already have one of the pair.

"Please let us try!" I scowl with pain as I join Chloe, swinging punches and trying to grab Ladybug.

"No! It's wrong!" Ladybug shouts back and I find my arm tied to Chloe's with yoyo wire. Damn, what a useful weapon. Way better than a stick.

"Chat!" another voice calls me. The three of us glance over at it and I catch my baton out of the air. No yoyo, but second best for sure.

"No," Marinette's heart-wrenching desperate whisper.

 

"Give Adrien the earrings," Rena Rouge demands, her face flushed and swollen from tears. I take the opening to knock down Ladybug with my staff and free myself from being tied up to Bee. Ladybug kicks back up effortlessly and blocks all my subsequent stick attacks with her arms or yoyo. Chloe slips through the blows to restrain Ladybug by the waist. I know Marinette will take Queenie down and I know exactly how she will do it. I time my kick at her knee for when she puts her weight on that leg and they both go down to the floor. Rena pile drives down on top of them and grabs Ladybug's wrists.

"If you do this, Adrien will die!" Ladybug shrieks at her desperately. Rena hesitates. _Merde_. I glance at Chloe, too. She's unreadable. Ladybug pushes Rena Rouge away and starts to spin her yoyo slowly. Nobody makes a move against her.

"Is this true, Adrien?" Chloe sneers at me. The tables have maybe turned, I can feel it in the air. I break my staff into two, eyes trained on the spinning red disc. If I have to fight all three of them, I will. Rena lets out a wail of misery. I see Ladybug's eye flinch at it. Queen Bee calls out her stinger and stands next to Ladybug. I should have seen this coming. I should have known this would happen the second they realized what the price would be to bring Nino back.

 

But I have to bring Nino back. This is a fight I can't afford to lose. It's Nino. Nino, who my whole everything belongs to. Nino. His life is at stake, here.

"Stop it, Adrien. There has to be another way!" Ladybug frowns at me, the speed of her yoyo spins picking up. I hurl the staff parts at her and Queen Bee, they both fly straight and true. I dive for Ladybug's ankles and despite getting kicked, I have her on the floor and her yoyo is twisted up with the baton. I scramble for her ears. How guilty will I feel if I just rip them out? I hadn't thought that through. I'll _have to_. Ladybug gets an arm around me somehow and wrestles her way into a better position to fight me off and suddenly we are tied up together. I scream with frustration I am! so! close! I feel the hot tears covering my face, I don't know if they are mine or Marinette's. Rena reaches over to Ladybug's face and pauses, unsure.

"Can you really do that, Alya?" Ladybug whimpers pathetically. Chloe grabs Rena's wrist, but Rena is quick to deck her. Bee slumps to the ground, completely out. I'd usually be impressed. Rena looks between us and starts to cry again. She won't be able to do it. I know she won't. I can't lose this fight. I can't. I won't let Nino die. I close my eyes and breathe, trying to focus. I ball up my fists, trying to gather up power from the ether.

" _Backscratch_ ," I scream.

 

"Chloe?!" My face doesn't hurt anymore.

"Marinette?!" What? Did that work? It worked. It worked! Holy shit! I _time traveled_. Time travel for Nino. I stand slowly this time, trying to calculate. Alya's going to come in soon, too. I have to make sure Marinette doesn't turn them against me this time. I also cannot let myself get tied up. First, get yoyo. Second, make sure Ladybug doesn't say anything. I don't know how that's possible but maybe I can control the conversation. If there's anything I'm good at, it's running my stupid mouth. I insert myself into their two person battle, careful to keep from getting close enough to Queen Bee to be tied to her.

"I know all your moves now, Ladybug!" I force myself to grin, ducking as the yoyo flies over my head.

"Stop this, Chaton!" she huffs, blocking a kick from Chloe. She throws the disc at the wall and it ricochets off towards me. Ladybug is trying to trade places with us to get more space in the small room. She's running out of it. I catch the yoyo and spin the wire around my arm as many times as instinct tells me to. Tug-o-war this way is going to hurt a hell of a lot more. I jab the staff out at Ladybug and she grabs the end, getting pushed back into the desk behind her with it. I retract it a little and extend again at her. She dodges, but I've stepped a rotation around Chloe in the meantime. Marinette tries to retract the yoyo string and we've restrained Queen Bee. I knock Chloe down with my staff and rush at Ladybug, aware of the short amount of wire anchoring me to Chloe. I did kind of still get tied up to her, didn't I?

 

"Looks like it's just you and me," I'm one-handed due to the yoyo but so is Ladybug. Suddenly, there are more of me. The room fills with Chats. _Rena._  

"Help me get her earrings!" I yell out. Ladybug hits me in the groin, my scream apparently giving away which one of me was real. Goddamnit, Marinette! The groin? Chloe is complaining at the other Chats. Rena grabs Ladybug from behind and I run around them, trying to pull the wire as I go. I don't have a lot of it and Chloe kind of gets caught up too. The three heroes are tied up like some Scooby Doo monster, much to their disdain.

"Don't do this, Adrien! There has to be another way!" Isn't that what Ladybug said last time too?

"NO! Nino was going to be the one that stopped me when something happened to you! You're not him and I won't let you stop me!"

"This makes you no better than Hawk Moth!" she pleads. I lean over for her earrings.

"Lucky Charm!" The yoyo spins me to the ground of its own volition. A glittering flash later, Ladybug has... a collar and leash. My stomach lurches. No. Don't do that to me, magic shit. Don't. That's too cruel. Ladybug has both Rena Rouge and Queen Bee to deal with still this time so I break my staff in two again and jump in to melee. Three versus one is good. Very good. Ladybug's yoyo isn't as effective at such close range and she is relying a lot on her self defense (is it judo? Why have I never asked her?) throws and holds, which aren't as suited to group fights. Usually in the close combat situations I'd be helping her here to compensate but that's not how things are today. I can barely even compensate for myself and what Ladybug's Lucky Charm just did to me. Alya hooks Ladybug's leg and the four of us fall across the chaise lounge together.

 

"Adrien will die too if you let him do this!" Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Forgot to keep her talking about other stuff. I manage to rip an earring from her with my claws and she shrieks in pain. The sound of it sends chills through me and that's just enough that Chloe takes my wrist. The blood drips from my fingers. Without the half, Marinette's transformation is weakened and starts to dissipate. I try to struggle away from Queen Bee.

"Please, Alya!" Ladybug begs, voice heavy with pain.

"I'll give anything for Nino!" I counter loudly. Maybe I can win Rena Rouge back to my side. I try and whack Chloe in the face like Rena had the last time, and the Miraculous slips through my bloody fingers. Fuck, that was a chunk of ear. Chloe dives for it as Rena lets go of Ladybug. Ladybug's wire wraps around me tightly before I can complete any action. Why can't I beat her? I have to do this! There is no backing down. None. Maybe I can go further back in time. Maybe I can go back to before Nino even died.

"Back Scratch!" my shout rips at my vocal chords.

 

"Chloe?!" _Damnit._

"Marinette?!" Maybe I can just try again. It can't be the same moment every single time. I have to get to before this. I stay on the ground, closing my eyes and trying to center myself.

"Backscratch!" I summon up everything that I think that I can. This is the limit of this move, whatever happens.

"Chloe?!" _No_. No! NO!!

"Backscratch!"

"Chloe?!"

"Marinette?!" I groan at it. Stupid magic bullshit. I try to do the thing where I catch the yoyo again but it collides with my face instead and the pain is incredible. I'm too upset now to focus. Ladybug has me completely beaten in a matter of seconds. I start to cry. What is the point of being a fucking time traveler if you can't even do anything with it? Is Ladybug really going to defeat me every single time? My father did this _thousands of times_. I don't know if I can beat her even if I am by myself. My tears fall uncontrollably and Ladybug's arms are around me. She's saying beautiful things to make me feel better, I'm sure. Nino doesn't deserve this. He always believed that I was a hero and that I was cool and now I can't even do anything now that he needs me. I guess I have to keep trying. Focus. Stop crying. I have to save him. Protecting my friends is the only purpose in life that I have. And I love Nino. I can't let him be dead. He's so much more than I am. 

"Come on, Adrien. There has to be another way," Ladybug is pawing at my hand for my ring and I panic.

"Backscratch!" Good to know I can still think of cat puns when I am this level of distressed.

 

"Chloe?!" AGAIN?!

"Marinette?!" Chloe teases. This is so annoying. Okay. Get yourself together. You have _time_ if you stay down, Adrien. Breathe. I wonder how many _times_ I can go back in _time_. I've already done it four? Five _times_? I can tell it uses way less energy than Cataclysm does, which is good. But also in a way terrifying? Breathe. Maybe I'll just waste this jump too and prepare for the next one. I'm still not thinking straight. I'm still crying. Rena steps in through the ceiling hatch. Alya. Ladybug is standing over me, but Rena tackles her and they wrestle on the floor. Maybe I should think more like Ladybug and less like me. Maybe that's the problem. There has to be another way.

"GUYS! Stop," my voice breaks as I yell at them. They do separate but defensively, "Let's... figure out a way to do it where you'll agree to let me try."

"I can't let you try," Ladybug shakes her head.

"Why don't you trust me?" I bellow. Another sob falls out after it. Ladybug's expression softens but she doesn't let her guard down.

"Why won't you let him bring Nino back?" Alya chokes.

"Because you have to trade a life!"

"It isn't necessarily that way, especially if my wish isn't specifically 'hey wish my best friend was alive again' or something," I mutter back. Alya moves to my side and helps me stand. I sniff. I'm okay now, I think. Not crying anymore. Done crying.

 

"If I let you do this, you  _will_  wish that! You'll trade your life for his because you won't want to risk it not working! You'll trade your life no matter what!" Ladybug is crying now, but she keeps her ground. Man, she _really_  doesn't trust me. I knew that, though.

"Then maybe we sacrifice someone else," Rena Rouge says. I'm shocked a little, but not as shocked as Marinette is. Rena is unpredictable. She keeps picking different sides in all my skips. I'm not sure what side she's even on right now. Chloe is at least consistent in her loyalty and ethics. Marinette, though. Looks so betrayed. Again. Both the people closest to her have gone against everything we stood for. I can't make her feel better. I have to push. I have to save Nino.

"Why don't you trust me, Marinette? I told you everything and you won't trust me with you! I don't want anything else but this! Just this one thing. Please give it to me!"

"I trust you with my life but I know you too well, kitty."

"Why won't you tell me that you're Ladybug?" I accuse, unable to keep it in anymore.

"I didn't know that you knew!"

"That doesn't change anything!" I hiss at her. Rena tackles her. The yoyo ties me up again. That wasn't at all what I was trying to accomplish. I can't be selfish right now. I have to focus on saving Nino. I take a deep breath. Don't argue with Ladybug. 

 

"Backscratch."

"Chloe?!" surprised Marinette again. I jump up before Queen Bee can tease her back.

"Okay, stop!" I yell, "Let's not fight."

"What?" Chloe.

"Let's just... come up with some other plan," I offer shakily, "Rena will be here in a minute and we can all figure something out BUT I am not letting this end without bringing Nino back!"

"Rena?" Ladybug blinks.

"I called her when Chat Noir said that we were going to have to fight you," Chloe says, ashamed. Okay. Good to know. I was kind of wondering about that. I turn my gaze over to the ceiling hatch and it's not long before Rena Rouge comes in. She looks confused. I'm going to lay it all out for them in this timeline and figure out what works and what doesn't for the next one. I will live through as many 'Chloe!'-'Marinette!'s as I have to even if it takes me years. I can do this.

 

"Listen to me. First- I can manipulate time from fixed points in the past. I think. So, I've done this fight like three times and it hurts too much," I confess to the trio of women.

"If you-"

"I can't go back that far," I interrupt Alya sadly, "I still need the Ladybug Miraculous to bring him back."

"Give it to him," Rena commands immediately.

"If I let him do that, Adrien will die instead!" Ladybug informs her, "It's an even trade, there has to be a balance."

"Can't you just wish for something else that results in Nino not getting shot?" Chloe says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Because it is. I said that like two or three times already.

"Ladybug won't let me because she... she knows I'll use the most foolproof option," I can't let pride get in the way of saving Nino and I'm probably going to Backscratch this go around anyway. There is quiet for a while.

"You would really die for Nino?" Alya asks, her voice small.

"He won't hesitate," it's Chloe that says it, "Adrien loves him."

"I'm not going to let you die," Ladybug shakes her head, "Because I love you."

"So we just leave Nino dead?" Alya snaps.

"There has to be a way to bring him back. We have the power here in this room to do so. If we can't figure it out, I will fight you for it. I am not going to a funeral tomorrow. Not when I can save him," my throat kind of hurts from all of this screaming I've been doing. It's kind of a wonder that the cops aren't here or something.

 

"If you don't want to let Adrien do it, why don't you do the magic thinggy instead?" Chloe shrugs at Ladybug. My heart jumps. _Chloe._ Ladybug looks at me.

"Do you trust me?" she says softly. Yeah, I do. More than you trust me, LB. What if I _shouldn't_  trust her? What if I give her my ring and she doesn't give it back and doesn't bring back Nino and leaves me alone forever? I'm not sure how much of our relationship can be salvaged now that I've just yelled at her for not trusting me. Whether or not she trusts me isn't important. What's important is Nino and this is probably my only hope. I feel like I've got the method right on this reset. I know it, actually. Deep inside, something _knows_.

"Claws in," I exchange a wordless glance with Plagg before pulling off my ring and holding it out to Ladybug. I can't go back now. I believe in Ladybug, though. I really do, with all of my heart. I know better than anyone that Ladybug can save the day. She can save Nino. It feels weird, not wearing the Miraculous. It's been on my hand every moment of every day. I feel a little naked without it.

"Chat..." Ladybug's voice is soft and full of pain. She knows how hard this is for me. She takes the ring and I feel a piece of my soul leave with it.

 

"So now we just have to decide what the wish will be," Chloe crosses her arms across her chest. She isn't reading the mood in the room at all but that's just how she is. Rena takes my arm and I stand up and fold her into my chest. She is trying not to cry. I watch Ladybug, though. She is calculating. She's used to this kind of magic due to the Cure. Oh, the Cure.

"Ladybug! Your cure locks out our um... trauma, sometimes. Don't... don't do that for me with this," I swallow, "I don't want to forget about this, either."

"I don't know. If I make it like it didn't happen I don't know if you'll remember or not."

"You shouldn't have to carry it by yourself," Rena Rouge lifts her head, "I want to remember, too."

"Are you sure, Alya?" Ladybug blinks with surprise.

" _Alya?_ " Chloe sputters.

"Nino... Nino is... was? He's Carapace," Alya finishes the sentence buried in my arms but I know Chloe's heard her. Chloe drops her transformation and plops herself down on Marinette's chaise. She pointedly crosses one leg over the other, stewing. I rub Rena Rouge's back gently. It's the only comfort I can give. I again wish I could give her more. Hopefully Ladybug can do that for us. I have to believe in her. Ladybug _can_ do it for us. She can save Nino. Chloe interrupts everyone's thinking to announce that she wants to remember all of this, too.

 

"You know how to do it already, don't you?" Rena is saying. What?

"I can create a duplicate Nino," Ladybug whispers, "And have them switched. The copy will die."

"That's... still a life, Ladybug," my voice is hoarse now without my catsuit to give me the extra HP.

"It's not like a... person. Just a momentary copy. It won't even know it existed."

"What about his family? Us? If there's still a body..." I stop. Creation and destruction. The balance. Ladybug will erase the dead copy. Everything that was supposed to happen would happen. "It'll work. The magic always gives us what we need and your half is luck so it will work for you."

"That's what I think too, kitty," she nods her head and then looks over at Chloe, "What do you think?"

"Do whatever you want, Dupain-Cheng."

"Clo," I sigh in a plea for her to take it seriously.

"Why are you asking me? Ladybug has the best chance out of all of us," she rolls her eyes dramatically, "She's the main event, just let her do it."

"Alya?" Ladybug looks back over to us.

"Bring him back to me," Rena's voice sounds detached, but still decided.

"Put on the ring. The words are 'Miracle Omen' and then... you're a god. According to my dad, at least."

"Like the kwami," Ladybug nods.

"Two kwamis," I correct. Ours.

 

"Spots off," she whispers and it's Marinette. My Marinette. The ring only fits on her thumb. In another situation, I would think it was super adorable. Maybe I think it's adorable now. Her blue eyes meet mine, unwavering. I feel her unspoken promise to me. _Everything is going to be fine._ I love her.

"Tikki... Plagg... Miraculous Omen!" she calls out just like for her Cure. That's not... whatever. I'm blinded. It's both too bright and completely dark.

"Lucky Charm!" What? Lucky Charm? I can't see anything. What is she doing? Why would she need Lucky Charm?

"Cataclysm!" Cataclysm? Is she destroying her lucky... oh. I get it. There's a booming crack like thunder and then silence. I blink. It's all green and purple like when you look into the sun for too long.

"Marinette?" I ask quietly, almost afraid to disturb the silence.

"So... where is he?" Chloe clicks her tongue. I rub my eyes and look around again. Rena Rouge is doing the same.

"It worked," Marinette promises breathlessly. Something inside me clenches. We could have done the same for Hawk Moth. For my mother. Then the feeling I have is relief. I'm back in a world that has Nino in it.

"Where is he?" Alya sounds desperate.

"Where would he usually be?" Chloe suggests.

"What day is it?" a desperate clamor from Rena for her phone. She has to drop her transformation to retrieve it. I hold my breath as the phone rings. She's had the decency to put it on speaker for us. Marinette looks slightly dazed. 

"Hey Als, listen. I'm so sorry," his voice. I feel the tears immediately return to my eyes and Alya is crying too.

"Nino! Nino, baby! Where are you?" she sobs.

"Whoa, it's okay Alya," so carefree. So oblivious to what we all just went through.

"Where are you?" Alya huffs angrily.

 

The stupidity of wasting time by going back to the apartment as civilians is not wasted on any of us as we all clamor up to Marinette's rooftop patio.

"Mari, my..." I can't ask for my Miraculous back, I realize. Not after I've abused the power for my own gain. Not after I've fought her. Marinette hesitates, obviously thinking the same sort of thing. Alya and Chloe are already transforming. 

"You can carry me," I offer softly. I see her heart break on her face. Marinette is an open book. She looks down at my ring hanging on her thumb, deciding.

"No, Chaton. You saved all of us today," Marinette plucks the ring off and holds it out.

"Are you sure?" I breathe. She locks her eyes to mine. It feels weird.

"I trust you with my life. With all of our lives." I feel like I am going to cry again. I take the ring and return it to its home. Marinette and I transform together and take off behind Rena Rouge and Queen Bee. I missed this. I missed it so much. And seeing Ladybug again. Having Nino back. I will never feel as happy and as thankful as I do right now in this moment. Rena is already on Nino when I get to the apartment, gripping his head and showering his face with kisses and crying with joy. I wrap my arms around the both of them and Rena moves aside a little and I kiss Nino so hard it makes me dizzy. I release him when Ladybug joins our group hug. 

"You come over here too, Clo-B! Anyone gonna tell me what's going on?" Nino chuckles gladly and I feel Chloe's hand added at my back.

 

"Nino, the other night you were killed coming home from a rave and we used the Miraculous power to bring you back," Ladybug explains. Rena Rouge and I are too emotional to say anything, really. I intertwine my fingers with his, watching Alya continue to kiss all over his face.

"Dude," he blinks, "Is that what happened? I thought it was weird when you showed up, LB."

"So it's like it never happened to everyone but us," Queen Bee adds. Nino squeezes my hand.

"So uh... you guys don't remember yesterday?" he offers up.

"Why? What happened yesterday?" Alya asks. She doesn't sound nervous but I know that she is.

"Um... Chat Noir, you kinda... had a fight with your girlfriend about us. Cause I went and saw you after my near-death experience. Dude, she's gonna remember," he winces.

"Nino," Ladybug sighs, "Spots off... I don't remember it."

"What? Are you serious? _Marinette?_ Holy shit! This whole time?" Nino is shocked. This seems to remind Alya too.

"Right! How could you, girl?" Rena's fists go to her hips. Nino's face has left shock behind and now it's... angry?

"How could you not tell even _Adrien?_ " Nino is saying next. Marinette's eyes dart to mine and then back to Nino. Something feels off about it but I don't know what.

"I thought it was for the best," Marinette defends and then pointedly looks at me again, "And it was for the best. I didn't know that anyone knew my identity."

"Nathalie," my throat hurts so my voice is weak. It's the first thing I've said since we got here and I regret it a little.

"Okay. This is _really_ exciting and all but- Buzz Off- I have things I need to be doing," Chloe takes her Miraculous and presses it into Marinette's hand, "Here you go, Ladybug. Sorry for hitting you."

"Chloe..."

"Stay alive this time, Lahiffe. Toodles."

 

"Maybe we should go too, kitty. Return these Miraculous to Master Fu," Marinette smiles at me as Alya passes her necklace to her too, "I'm sure Nino and Alya need some alone time."

"He probably needs to stay," Nino says quickly, a small amount of curtness in his voice. The air in my lungs gets heavier for a second. He's being _protective_ of me somehow. Or possessive? What happened in his timeline? He isn't wrong that I need to be here with him but he didn't have to be so cold to Marinette.

"Um... yeah. I'd like to stay for a little if that's okay," I venture, looking at Alya. My voice _hurts_. Alya nods. She gets it. We put our grief in each other and now we have to convince our hearts of this new, better reality.

"Oh... well... text me later, okay?" Marinette swallows, "We have a lot we need to talk about."

"Sure," I whisper because that's what is comfortable. Marinette steps over to Nino and hugs him tightly. He softens and returns the hug.

"I'm so glad we brought you back," I overhear her whisper.

"Yeah," he kisses her cheek. This will never be real to him. He's not going to know the depth of what happened. What we went through. That's probably for the best. I realize as I watch Marinette leave that again, we did not fist-bump.

 

" _Never_  do that again," Alya embraces Nino again. He releases my hand to pat her back and rub her arms. She leans into him with a small wail.

"Shh... I'm here now. It's okay. Everything is fine. I'm fine," Nino coos softly and even though it's not specifically for me it washes into my heart and leaves it slightly more healed than before. I'm so relieved. After a few moments of comforting silence Nino pulls away and looks at us.

"There's no way you've eaten anything since it happened. Order some delivery," Nino directs me. I go for my phone in my pocket and realize that I am still Chat Noir. My phone's not in the holster so it's gone with my civilian stuff, I hadn't been thinking clearly enough to set it aside first. And I am not sure I can be Adrien right now. I just had to give up my ring for the first time. There's also something in me that knows I am not strong if I am not Chat Noir and I need to have that strength for right now.

"Can I borrow a phone?" I ask quietly. It comes out as a hoarse croak. Yikes.

"Did you not sleep either?" Nino frowns. He hands me his phone.

"We did a little," Alya tells him, obviously not wanting to hear my sorry excuse for speaking again. He looks between us. I look down at the phone and try to focus on ordering food. I have all my financial numbers memorized so I don't need to be Adrien to pay, either.

"Good," Nino is saying, "Is it too much to ask you to tell me about it?"

"Maybe after we eat. I'm... still really torn up and Andi's a mess," Alya says softly. A drop of water drips onto the phone screen. Am I crying?

"He's a mess in my... um,  _timeline_  too?"

"Maybe you can tell us about your timeline first," Alya says to him. She links her arm with mine, "Come on, kitten. Let's sit down, okay?"

 

Nino keeps standing and I don't know why. I curl into Alya's arms and I know she needs him just as much or maybe more than I do but there's no way that he understands this. I can't even tell if I'm still crying or not. I haven't had my meds in two or three days now, maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm so emotionally drained that my body is just doing stuff on auto-pilot. But Nino is here now. Standing in front of me. And Alya's arms are around me and mine around her and I'm so glad for it. I'm safe. It's all over. I protected us just like I am meant to do.

"Claws in," I whisper. Plagg nestles into my neck at the crook of my shoulder and says nothing. He doesn't even ask for cheese.

"Hello Adrien," Alya whispers into my ear. 

"I love you," I mumble at her. Maybe at all three of them. I hear her breathy laugh.

"This is too weird," Nino sits on the coffee table and covers his face with his hands.

"Nothing is as weird as you not being here," Alya says. I feel like I am just a spectator here but I don't feel like using my voice unless I have to. I'm sure that Alya can mostly speak for me because our experience was the same. Probably.

"Okay... just... don't get too mad again, okay?" Nino chuckles.

"I think you could say anything and we won't give a shit because you're fucking _alive_  and we don't care."

"So I was on my way home and these guys corner me, but there's like this... alien invasion? Something? Nobody knows _what_  it was. Just a bunch of like... really bright darkness. The internet is going crazy over it, you recorded a video too Als. You could see it all over the city! I saw Ladybug and I heard the gun and the lights thing again and the dudes ran off. It was weird as fuck. I was really shaken up and I knew it. I knew I almost died. I was _supposed_  to die? So I just needed to feel real, right?" he's nervous.

 

"You slept with Adrien," Alya supplies on her own, with no hints and no warning. Nino's eyes meet mine for a nanosecond. We _did_? I know that we did. Because I would let him have anything that he needed and if he was upset I would have no defense.

"Yeah," Nino hangs his head. 

"I'm not mad," Alya mumbles, "You know the rules. Tell me about it."

"You were mad at me on behalf of Marinette. We were gonna be okay, probably," Nino mumbles. I hear what he's left out. That he couldn't necessarily say the same about Marinette and I.

"Nope. The sex, Nino. Story time."

"That's... a little embarrassing," he bites his lip and raises his hand for where his hat would be, "He's right here."

"I'm sure Adrien wants to know exactly what your first time was like, too. Don't you, Andi?"

"Ye... yeah," I manage. I'm starting to figure it out somehow with my limited brainpower. Marinette was at my house that night. If Nino just showed up like that and we did... that... with her there? That's why he was so awkward with her earlier. My stomach sinks. There had probably been a fight. Maybe Marinette and I broke up. Maybe Nino and I broke up. Maybe Nino and Alya broke up. This is bad.

"It was so good. So good, dude. You're just like... incredible, okay?" Nino says. _What?_  Me? Incredible? With Nino? _With Nino?_

"Those are not details, baby," Alya complains, "Mari's already told me that much, it's old news."

"He needs to know that, though! He's fucking forgot how perfect and easy and meaningful it was. Like it was _destiny_ , okay? We had a connection! And he needed so much reassurance that that was real and it was good and he can't forget how good-"

"He didn't forget, it never happened to him. There's a difference," Alya sighs. I'm holding my breath. I can't think? Alya's arms leave my body and she stands up. "We need to drink for all this, I think."

 

The bourbon jolts my brain a little. I hadn't realized how much of a haze I had been in, replaying all of Nino's words in my head. _Incredible. Destiny._

"Okay baby. Details," Alya pulls Nino over onto the couch with her and I curl up over on the other side, removed from them with my glass of bourbon and Plagg petting my chin. Am I going to be able to listen to this? Nino describing sex with me? Sex that had actually happened to another version of myself? I wish I could trade places with this timeline's Adrien Agreste and that I'm not the Adrien that remembers Nino's death. I think I regret asking Marinette to leave my memories _so much_. Nino takes another sip out of his glass and hisses. 

"I climbed up to your room like we were doing when we were sneaking around your parents after the Hawk Moth thing, right? You were awake and just like... not wearing anything."

"Stop. Don't tell him. Tell me. Tell me like you're just telling me and he's not here," Alya directs softly. Thank you, Alya. That might help. Because this is already _a lot_. I can't look at them. I just stare down into the quarter-inch of dark amber liquid in my hands. I hear Nino's sharp intake of air. Nino is alive. He is here with us. There is nothing else in the world that I want. And here he is talking about us being a thing. A real thing. A _thing_  thing. I belatedly realize that he's been speaking. About the thing thing. I try my best to reconnect to my ears. I have to listen or I'll never know.

"lifts me out of the window and the moonlight is like shining on him, you know? Like with the muscles and his green eyes, whole package. So I kiss him and touch him and you know those sounds that Adrien makes?"

"Stop-" I clutch at my chest. I did that? I just let that happen? In my room? "Marinette was there."

"Yeah," Nino confesses quietly, hesitantly. Alya's eyes grow big. "She saw all of it. I had no idea she was there, dude. I swear."

"Oh shit," Alya whistles. I hear the clink of her glass against her teeth. There's silence for a while.

 

"I'm a really bad person," I choke. Alya is on me instantly, taking the bourbon and running her hands through my hair.

"Shh, Andi. That wasn't you," she comforts gently.

"But it _was_  and I know I _would_ ," I am breathing so fast. I fucking cheated on Marinette right in front of her face and according to Nino it was the best sex of both of our lives. I'm _horrible_. "Holy shit I'm the worst."

"No, Adrien. We all know how you lose yourself, and I was really pushy and it's not your fault. We were both really emotional and it was like 4am and I... of course you forgot. It's my fault."

"We can't tell her," Alya says. I lean into her hair.

"That it could happen at all," I shake my head. Deep down I am a cheating asshole and it's a _fact_ now. The Adrien from two days ago was the kind of guy that would fuck his best friend while his girlfriend _watched_. I was that kind of guy. I'm still that kind of guy now! It wasn't even a catwalk! It was a whole legitimate romantic moment.

"Yeah. We should keep this between the three of us," Nino mumbles, "It was really bad."

"I'm so sorry Alya," I whimper.

"It's okay Andi. I knew it was gonna happen eventually," she rubs her hands over my head. That doesn't help, Alya. Even she was prepared for me to be a bad guy. 

"I just like... went through all this already," Nino sighs.

"Shut up. It's still not as bad at the timeline where you're fucking dead and in the ground tomorrow morning," she snaps at him. I cover my ears.

 

"You gotta eat, dude," it's the first thing any of us has said in what feels like forever. Nino pulls my hands from my face and squeezes them tightly, searching my eyes. "Listen. Nobody remembers but me. I'm good with that. I know that this is a lot and you need time to process but we have to talk about what happened now before anyone gets hurt. And you've got to eat something."

"Nino," I love him so much. He leans forward and kisses me and I shouldn't let him do it, especially now, but I feel nothing but weak and vulnerable and I almost just _lost him forever_. I can't let go of him again no matter what.

"That doesn't look like eating to me," Alya smirks, mouth half full of chow mein. I jerk away but Nino's still got my hands.

"It's okay kitty, she's okay with it. This is fine. You're okay. Mari is supposed to be okay with us kissing, too. You-You has done nothing wrong. Alright, bro?" I nod at him because it makes sense and he's Nino and I trust him. If he says it's okay, it's okay. And it's okay because he's here and alive and not dead and I won't be alone forever even if Marinette does hate me. He releases my hands to give me a plate. I didn't realize how hungry I was until the first bite hits my stomach. I shovel the rest of the noodles into my face as quickly as I can manage.

"So uh... my fam really did the whole body wash thing then?" Nino asks Alya.

"Andi and I aren't your family, so I don't really know. We were just here and messed up while all of that other stuff was happening," Alya shrugs. Nino makes a noise of acknowledgement and that's the end of that. I set aside my empty plate and stand to go through the delivered items. It's not Camembert but I rip open the rangoons and pull Plagg out of my hair. He had gotten tangled up and I didn't notice until now. He hadn't said anything or phased out of it, though. Maybe he's tired. I'm tired. I watch him scoop the cream cheese out of the fried wontons without complaining.

"Thank you, buddy," it's even quieter than I meant to say it.

"It's what I do," he shrugs his little creature shoulders.

 

"I still want the rest of the sex story," Alya says. I look down at my phone. It's not even 20:00 yet. In my call history I see that Alternate Asshole Adrien tried to call Marinette three times this morning. No texts alluding to the breakup, though. I hope I hadn't left her voicemails but I suspect that I did.

"Is that okay, Adrien?" Nino asks. I don't really know what the questions was. I curl up in the chair, I can't go back to the couch with them. Alya tips more bourbon into the forgotten glasses and passes them out again.

"I want to know," I swallow a good mouthful of it.

"Please just forget that Mari was there. Because other than that-"

"We get it, Lahiffe. It was great," Alya grumbles and cuddles up against him, "Tell me with _descriptions_. You were at the part where he was making those sounds he makes."

"I was stroking him and he was so vulnerable and needy. My dick was super hard. I bit his neck and he says 'Nino,' in that way so I had to have him and to give him what he wanted," Nino is just rattling this all off like it's _nothing_ , "Our kisses are deep and I pushed him onto that couch. Adrien is gorgeous and he was panting a little like in my sessions with him and I can tell his head is just overloaded. I didn't even think about it, Als. I just take everything off. Because I almost just died and just like, I'll be damned if I die without doing this. I start by touching him and he touches mine too. I bite him and I pinch him like he likes and he makes all of his noises. Like he's so grateful for it. I tell him that he's my prince and it does _something_. Adrien starts to say all this stuff about how much he loves me and wants me and I say a lot of it back to him, too. It was beautiful, Als."

"Yeah, I'm sure it was. Just tell me about the nasty bits."

"Hey, Adrien is listening too," he sighs. Maybe he is telling me all of that for my benefit? I don't know how, when I am mostly horrified that Marinette had listened to my love confession to Nino.

"You can be a romantic later."

 

Nino describes to her how he ran his fingers over my body and traced my tattoo. How I gripped back at him desperately and called his name when he licked my cock. I can kind of imagine it. The two of us in the moonlight on my couch. His mouth around me and me so blinded by years of yearning for him that I've completely forgotten about my girlfriend in the bed not even ten feet away. I wouldn't have been quiet. Nino spread my legs, scratching me with his nails. He licks my ass while pumping my cock and I think I would have lost my mind. I might be losing it now. The uncomfortable stiffness in my slacks is proof that I have lost it. Absolutely. Nino says that I begged him for it. That I couldn't stand it so much I was nearly in tears. I don't doubt that. I'm good at begging him. I feel like I know exactly how the rest of this tryst went, and Nino starts confirming it. Like it's out of one of my fantasies about him. I clung to him as he thrusted into me, my face we with tears. He kissed me and he bit me and I moaned for him. Nino says I purred at him when he came.

 

"I don't purr," my protest sounds harsh due to my lack of voice. I don't even know why I said anything at all. I pull my head up out of my knees for the first time since he started telling this story and I realize just how on top of him Alya is and how Nino doesn't have a shirt on anymore. This is a thing for them? A _thing_  thing. Alya cranes her neck back to look over at me.

"You purred," Nino states simply.

"I can um... go, if that's-"

"Stay," Alya directs. Oh. She's... this is part of it for her, too? Me sitting here listening to this? Potentially watching them? I don't think that I mind even though I'm sure that I should mind a lot. Alya is kinky as hell. Dang.

"So he's purring and pulls me down into this kiss, right? I'm just so blown away, babe. Not thinking right because I just fucked _Adrien Agreste._ He leans so hard into this kiss right and I'm so spent he ends up on top of me."

"Stop," I whisper. No. No way. This isn't real, there is no way this happened. This is my deepest darkest fantasy about him and I don't even want to admit that fact to myself most of the time. There's no way I actually topped Nino. Absolutely no way. Alya is sucking on his ear right now. I can't believe _this_  is happening, either.

"Dude uses my own spunk against me," Nino breathes into Alya's ear. I can't take it. Gross.  _I did not_. No way. "Adrien just goes for it without any more prep, but he's slow and careful and keeps kissing me. It hurts but it also feels really good. We're so in tune, it's like we're one person. He's so sweet to me and his fucks are intense and deliberate. It feels amazing but he doesn't last long. We just laid there like that. Adrien lets out all of his worries and insecurities and we were talking through all of it until Mari."

"Shit," I breathe.

"Yeah so like... it was kinda some big stuff," Nino says, Alya is still grinding against him and I have no idea how he's got enough brainpower to still be speaking. I don't have enough brainpower. I can't. I get up and escape to their bathroom. Alya says something but I don't care.

 

"Did you get off okay?" Alya grins at me when I return. I couldn't hide in there forever. I shouldn't feel as ashamed as I do about jerking off, but here we are.

"I don't know, did _you_?" I manage to get the words out with the appropriate amount of sarcasm. She tilts her head back and laughs. The sound warms me. I missed Alya's laugh. I could have never heard it again, after all. I sit purposefully down next to her and link my fingers with hers. I know they've just slept together and it was what they needed. I don't care. I sip some of the neglected bourbon with my free hand.

"I let that happen because I will always pick you over Marinette."

"She's _Ladybug_  though, man!" Nino looks across Alya at me.

"You just mean a lot to me," the scratch in my voice is really annoying in addition to how painful it is.

"That's what you said yesterday," Nino tells me. 

"I guess it's our turn to tell you about our side," Alya yawns.

"Well, I already know I died," Nino chuckles.

"Not funny," Alya and I both say simultaneously. 

"Sorry, sorry."

"No, Nino. It's really not funny. You were really dead. We were at the hospital with your parents. And we remember that. Nothing ever hurt so much. You can't joke about it."

"I'm sorry, Als."

 

"Alright. So we spent all of yesterday being really fucking sad. That's it. I thought I had to be alone so I kicked Andi out this morning. Then I thought I could... I guess like avenge you? So I went to Fu and got the Miraculous. Queen Bee calls me and says that she and Chat are going to fight Ladybug for you and I needed to be backup. I thought we were meeting at Marinette's house because that's where Adrien probably went after leaving here."

"Dad," I manage. Alya nods.

"So he had actually gone to his Dad and figured out how to use the Chat and Ladybug Miraculous to bring you back,and went to Marinette's to get the Ladybug one from her? She still had it? I thought she was gone."

"If something happened to me," I explain in the least amount of words possible.

"So she still had it in case you became a bad guy. But I go in and they're just waiting for me. Chat explains that he's got this time travel thing and that he keeps failing. He wanted to trade his life for yours so Ladybug won't let him use the Miraculous."

"Adrien." Nino sounds really mad.

"I know, okay?" I grumble. I don't want to hear it.

"There might be another way other than Adrien dying but Chat won't risk it not working. Chloe suggested that we let Ladybug bring you back instead of him. He gave her his Miraculous and she did it. It was a lot like that alien invasion thing you were describing, so that's what that was. Now you're here."

"So... what happened to the guys that shot me in your timeline?" Nino asks. I stand up. Oh no. They were in jail, but they're just out free in this reality.

"I'll come back," I breathe an explanation to them as I open the window, "Claws out."

 

I was not in time but time is literally nothing to me now, I guess. I Backscratch in a dull growl and Cataclysm the gun before anything can happen and I restrain the potential murderers with my belt. I call the cops on my baton and later I very quietly explain what happened to a detective. Eloise is there and I wave at her before escaping. I slink back into Nino's apartment and Alya is asleep in his lap. It's been a few hours, probably.

"Carry her to bed with your super strength, Black Panther," Nino grins at me. I have even less in common with Black Panther than I do with Batman. Why are people so opposed to the Spider-Man thing? What about Catwoman? She's cool too, nobody's said that. I make an exasperated expression but I do what he asks.

"We need to talk."

"It hurts," I shake my head. I'm not saying anything else today. Nino nods, obviously a little disappointed.

"Then you get in bed, too. I'm sure you didn't really sleep last night either."

"Claws in," I whisper. Plagg sets down on top of my head.

"I really need to talk to you tomorrow," Nino gives me a small smile.

"Don't leave him," Plagg warns, seeing that Nino was going to go work on music or something impossibly normal for someone who died, "Or her."

"Oh... uh, okay. I won't."

 

I text Marinette that I'm staying over with Nino. Then I look up all the 'alien invasion' footage. There's even a video on the Ladyblog. Because magic? Alternate Alya was not wrong at all. It's interesting to think about this alternate universe Alya, recording out the window at strange phenomenon. Jumping at the opportunity. Completely unaware it was all because of Nino. I check through all of Adrien's socials and thankfully nothing indicates that something bad had happened with me and Marinette. Not that something still won't. Because she's Ladybug and I used her just like Hawk Moth. I guess that I did turn into him after all. Protecting something for as long as we did just to become the bad guy myself... Nino silently takes my phone and plugs it in. I keep my eyes on him until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a gigantic chapter, thank you for sticking through it. It would have been split up into smaller chunks but the day-a-chapter format is important to this story I guess. This was the culmination of a lot of things I've been laying the groundwork for, I hope you are as satisfied with it as I am.


	30. Day 105- Melodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most dialog heavy chapter of all, but at least Adrien and Marinette actually talk to each other finally.

I wake up with a really bad feeling. Nino. I turn and there he is beside me and I feel every single muscle in my body relax. He's still here. We saved him. It's fine. I hit the button on my watch to stop the insistent vibrating.

"Good morning sleepy cat."

"Good _meowning_ ," I yawn. Where did Alya go?

"Shower," Nino supplies the answer.

"You have to stop reading my mind."

"Too late for that, I had a mind meld with the one of you from my timeline."

"Alternate Adrien. The asshole."

"It was a really good asshole if you ask me."

"Bruh. Don't," I sit up with a groan. I probably would have thought the joke was hilarious if I was Alternate Adrien.

"I don't regret it. And Mari had every right to be hurt but she was really bad to you and you were real messed up over it."

"I'm not going to hurt her in this timeline, okay?"

"There is only two days difference. All those things you guys were yelling about are still issues that you have right now. You're bent up about the Ladybug thing, aren't you? I didn't get that part until last night. You've known about her for a while, dude. And she kept it from you after you told her about Chat!"

"When we aren't together and I can think clearly I am upset that she doesn't trust me but... I did attack her because I knew. Because I needed her Miraculous to bring you back. She was right not to tell me. It's lucky that I knew, but I can't be trusted. Even now, what happens the next time something happens to one of us? What if I make a mistake and lots of people get hurt? What's to stop us from trying to fix it that way again? What's stopping me?"

"You were going to die for me, bro. How many people are you willing to do that for?"

"I mean... I don't really value myself, so..."

"Right," Nino frowns. We sit in silence for a few seconds.

"Nino, I know you want to talk about our... relationship but I really have to see if I can work things out with Marinette. I really love her. I've loved Ladybug for a long time and they're the same person and I might die if I lose her again," I mumble, "You aren't necessarily free to be with me, either."

"I know you love Mari," is all Nino says. There's something in it that makes me really concerned.

"Is there something you didn't tell me? Did I hurt you because of her?" I ask. I need to know. Nino looks at me, like he's trying to decide how to answer.

"You tried to kill yourself again. You were supposed to be at the hospital yesterday and instead, Chat Noir rushed in through my window and kissed me."

"I was going to commit suicide if you stayed dead, too. I couldn't stand it," I confess quietly. Nino pulls me to him in a tight hug.

 

I had been planning to bring her here on a date but the teahouse will work for a serious discussion, too. I bought out the other tables in the garden and sat at the one near a running fountain so that we would be alone. So we could say things without being overheard. Marinette is lead over by the host and she looks nothing short of stunning in a strapless yellow maxi dress and a giant floppy hat and purple sunglasses. It's the perfect outfit for the location and I should have expected nothing less.

"Hello, m'lady," I greet her softly. I want to kiss her. She watches the retreating host.

"Chaton."

"When I told you about me, it was because I had just learned about you," I pour her a cup of tea. She puts some sugar and cream in it, stirring slowly with a spoon. This is different from what Fu老师 said about her drinking tea in a hurry, but the situation is different from what his would be. She sets some sugar down on the table and opens her purple clutch.

"Hi Adrien! Plagg," Tikki greets us, going to lick delicately at the square of sugar.

"Hello Tikki," I say weakly. Plagg doesn't leave his hiding spot. He is probably bitter that there is no Camembert here.

"I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I started to suspect that you probably knew, but I wanted it to keep going unspoken. I thought it would change things between us. You treat Lady like she's... Not the same way that you treat me," Marinette looks over at the fountain. I wish she would take her sunglasses off but at the same time I wish that I had sunglasses on too.

"I was really upset for a while that you wouldn't tell me."

"I've never told anyone. Not a soul."

"I thought that you didn't trust me. How could you not trust Chat Noir after all these years? But I think you were right. In some of those time slips I did... I really hurt you. I didn't mean to turn into Hawk Moth but... Like, when we found out who he was I knew that I would someday. I knew. The closer to you I got the more scared I became of having my powers. I just didn't think it would be Nino that left me. I thought it would be you."

"You did what was right in the end."

"I betrayed you. I saw your face. That was before my reset point, so I know it still happened. I'm sorry."

 

"I understand, Chaton," she sighs, "I just... the way you felt about Nino when he died... we would have all felt that about you if you had traded with him, you know that right?"

"I know, but it would be better for Nino to be here than for me."

"No, Adrien. It's the same. You are not worth less than anyone else, and in my heart you are so important. Please remember that," Marinette sounds upset. 

"There's something that Nino said about this timeline that we have to talk about,"

"You know what's always _bugged_ me about Chat?" Marinette interrupts. Was that a pun? Did she say that on purpose?

"What?" I stammer somehow, flabbergasted. _Bugged_. Jesus Christ, Marinette. _A pun_.

"You get to the fights before me. I mean, not every time. But once I started keeping track, you mostly did. I don't know why that bothers me but it always feels like I'm late."

"You've been late to everything for as long as I've known you," I laugh. This feels like a really dumb thing for her to be upset about.

"Yeah, as Marinette! But you kept making me late even as Ladybug because you're so early," she pouts. It's so cute. 

"Let me see your sunglasses," I grin, leaning across the table a little and holding my hand out. Marinette's composition changes. She takes the glasses off so slowly. I smirk and snatch them, sliding the frames onto my face. I take the teacup by the rim with my fingertips and slosh it around drunkenly.

"Have you _seen_  how late Ladybug shows up for work? She is only two minutes early instead of five! I just _can't believe_ it! It's so hard to find good superhero help these days! Utterly ridiculous," I do a _very good_  Chloe impression, hitching my still-tender voice into her octave and swiping my hand over my shoulder like I'm brushing hair back. Marinette doubles over in laughter. I take the glasses off to pass them back, "See? Nobody would do that to Ladybug. Not even Chloe."

"Thank you," she's smiling and it's beautiful. But something's off and now I've had thoughts like that too many times. What is it?

 

"Your eyes," I freeze. She looks away quickly. That's what it is.

"I knew it was obvious, Tikki!" Marinette laments.

"Look at me," I ask quietly. She does. The blue is different. Like it's not exactly the same color as before. Only slightly different. Is this because we are in a different reality?

"I was going to go ask Master Fu later today, but it's not hurting anything. It's just weird," she puts her sunglasses back on.

"I'll ask my dad. I think he knows how to read the book."

"You asked him how to bring people back?" Marinette breathes, "And he told you?"

"I feel a little guilty... like... if we had all known in the beginning... maybe we _could_  have brought my mom back for him and then we wouldn't have had to go on for so long. There wouldn't have been any more akumas. If just... I had been honest with him or him with me and... us. Things would have been better."

"Honesty is the best policy!" the red kwami sings happily. Damn, I am a little glad I was not stuck with _that_  for three quarters of a decade. Too much cheerful. But I believe what she's said. I don't want to lie to anyone about anything anymore.

"I know Tikki. And you're both right. I'm sorry that I made us keep all those secrets. I really thought it would be safe that way. It was selfish. I knew that I could trust you with my alter-ego but I was stubborn about it. And I kept being stubborn about it even when you needed to know."

 

"I forgave you weeks ago for keeping Ladybug from me. I couldn't bring myself to be mad at you," I take a sip of tea. The garden is beautiful and this would be a wonderful date, "Minette... are we okay? As Adrien and Marinette? I know I hurt you."

"Yeah," she breathes shakily, "You did." 

"I just... Nino was the only person I had before we started dating. I didn't have a mom anymore and Dad is... well, Hawk Moth, but Dad. So our little friend group was the end all for me. Nino's more than my best friend, I feel like he's my whole life. I made a really conscious decision yesterday that I would do anything for him, including sacrificing our relationship and my life. There isn't anything I wouldn't have done. If you don't want me anymore, I get it. I know how much I hurt you, and how much I hurt you in all my other timelines," I stare down into my teacup. A waitress brings us a tiered tray of finger foods and sweets. Marinette is still quiet a long time after the waitress is gone.

"Do you love me more than Nino, minou?" I catch her off-blue eyes looking at me over the rim of her glasses.

"It's not a competition and I never want to come between Nino and Alya. You asked me to pick between Ladybug and Marinette too, right? That wasn't me saying that I loved Marinette more. I just wanted to date Marinette and Ladybug had broken my heart when she abandoned me. If you want me to pick if I want to date you or Nino, it's you. If you want me to pick who I can't live my life without, it's Nino. So in the end I might always choose him but I do really love you. I want it to be you that I'm with romantically."

"I'm sorry," Marinette drops her head and I'm just looking at the top of her floppy hat, "I didn't mean to make you do that."

"Nino told me not to tell you, but in this Nino's-Alive-Timeline, I cheated on you with him and we broke up, so it's not really a theoretical thing. I would do it."

"That's a different timeline from ours."

"It's two days," I shake my head, "I am not a different person from that one."

"Do I have to forgive Nino's-Alive-Timeline Adrien?" Marinette asks.

"No. You don't have to forgive Prime-Timeline Adrien for Alternate Adrien's actions, either." God this sounds confusing, "But Adrien Prime hurt you on his own, too."

"Did you just call yourself Adrien Prime?" Marinette laughs carefully.

 

"Adrien Prime... well, Chat Prime had a timeline where he literally ripped your ear off of your head, you should know that too."

"Really?"

"Chat Prime can't beat you in a fight no matter how many ears you have," I try and turn it into a funny because I am stupid and a bad person.

"Well, let's hope Marinette Prime never has to actually find that out," she cringes. I grin at her. She sighs, "How may resets did you do?"

"Six. Then I used one last night when I had the guys that shot Nino arrested, but that was a different fixed point."

"Your fixed points might be the same as with my Miraculous Ladybug and the Akumas. It still worked without Akumas on stuff I really wanted, but it was a little arbitrary on those. Like with the Akumas it was always whatever was caused by us or Akumas got fixed."

"I think it's just the magic shit deciding it knows what's best," I chuckle. She nods her head solemnly.

"That's what I mean. Only exactly what needs to be done. What you need. Like the Lucky Charm."

"At least I get some semblance of _choice_  with Cataclysm," I smile. Marinette finally eats something off of our fancy food platter.

"I thought we would be weirder with us knowing our alter-egos," she says, "But it feels the same. It's comfortable even now, after what happened yesterday."

"It doesn't feel the same to me. I feel guilty and nervous," I beam at her with a model smile but I don't know why, "It is good to finally get to talk to you about superhero stuff, though."

"We never really had a whole lot of time, did we?"

"I think that's more you than me," I chuckle, "You're a busy girl."

"You're always saying that," her cheeks are rosy.

 

"Marinette..."

"What... what should I do? I'm not really sure how to feel about you with Nino. I mean... Adrien Prime didn't do it, but... you're saying that you would?" she won't look at me and I can barely see her face at all with the hat and sunglasses. I have no idea what she's feeling if I can't see her face.

"I won't... I won't do that as me. It was something that shouldn't have happened," I've already decided this, "I won't repeat a mistake like that."

"What about your bondage sessions?" she nibbles on a triangle sandwich.

"I always imagined Ladybug could do it but I don't think that I want to replace Nino now. I can just stop them if you want," my fingers tighten around the teacup handle. I don't want to give it up, but I can for her.

"I don't get it," is what she says. I look over at the fountain.

"I don't really, either. It's not that I like to be treated badly- and Nino doesn't- but I crave the pain and the power dynamic. Where I'm totally powerless. Like a physical manifestation of how I feel inside. It's like all of the bad stuff has been taken out of me when it's over. Like confession at church," I find myself chuckling at it. It's way too dirty to be comparing to church.

"Why do you hurt inside?" Marinette asked quietly, "What are you cleansing?"

"Guilt. Fear. I'm not good and I don't deserve anything that I have. I blame myself for things that I shouldn't. I just need to be punished for all this stuff that's only in my head."

"I wish I knew. There must have been so many times that I inadvertently hurt Chat's self-worth," Marinette sighs.

"Good thing he doesn't have any to begin with," I smirk.

"Adrien..."

"Yes, my lady?" I am so glad I can say it to her now.

"I don't want you to sacrifice yourself anymore," she says. I pause. I know what she means by it and I don't like it.

 

"You want me to stop being Chat Noir."

"I just don't want you to hurt yourself in order to-"

"I don't have anything else to give but myself.  If I can help someone then there is a reason to exist. Other people can cling to stuff that's important to them and find meaning but I can't," I've only ever said this to Ed, "Being Chat gives me purpose that I won't have any other way. No matter how much I love anyone or what work I do."

"There are other ways to help people," she's quiet.

"I know that."

"Maybe you can try-"

"I know being a superhero is dangerous. I know that even more intimately than you do. I know that you are worried and I can't promise that nothing will ever happen to me but I have to save people since I have the ability to be able to."

"Then what about what we did for Nino? Do we do that for everyone? How do you know where the line is? If we have the ability to keep one person from death, why should we let anyone die at all?"

"Marienkafer..." I like the German word. It kind of sounds like Marinette's name the same way my Minette nickname does. I won't be able to use it around people.

"That's what you're saying, isn't it? Just because you can, you have to? And you don't have to think about what it means or whether or not you should?"

"You think that I shouldn't?"

"There is no enemy for you to fight."

"There is plenty of evil out there," I chuckle lightly to mask how upset I am. Ladybug doesn't think I'm needed.

"It's not your responsibility. You just can't judge by yourself if someone is good or bad. That's not right."

"That's not what I'm doing and you know that! I'm not going to put the cat down, it would kill me. It's all that's kept me alive for all these years."

 

"What about me? Can't you just live for me? Or Nino?" Marinette pleads. I take a deep breath.

"Wouldn't Marinette be better off without me? I shouldn't be such a burden on her. It's really selfish. It's unbelievable that she likes me, anyway. I should let her be free to live her life so she can have someone better than me. She'll be happier. I feel bad for keeping her all to myself. I feel so guilty that Marinette has to come over and make me feel better every day. I'm so selfish, wanting her this much. I don't deserve her... I can keep going if you want," I wiggle my eyebrows because I have no tact and I desperately want this to be less serious than it is.

"That's what you think?" I hear the tears in her throat.

"I know a lot of it isn't true and it's irrational... but I'm Chat Noir. Ladybug needs me. Paris needs me. There's no replacement for Chat. Chat is good and funny and he helps people and he makes up for everything Adrien isn't. I never self-harmed after becoming Chat Noir. At least until we beat Hawk Moth. That's how much it means to me. I wouldn't be here. I don't want to hurt you, Marinette. I'll be as careful as I can but I won't promise that I won't do what I need to do. I'm not reckless anymore, I know there's no Miracle Cure to fix things. I've gotten used to it. I know you're worried and that you care about me and I'm not trying to discredit that. I just... this is who I am."

"I never really wanted to be Ladybug," Marinette confesses quietly, "There was never really a choice and I was kind of forced into it that first day. I got comfortable with it and I do think I love it now... but there were so many times where I was so uncomfortable. I was just pretending to be something that I wasn't."

"Ladybug is the most amazing person I ever met in my life. Even if she was just faking it or doing her best. You have a determination that I don't and you can't make that up. You can't fake how strong you were. That's real, even if you don't believe in it yourself."

"I can say the same about Adrien," her smile is beautiful.

 

"I don't exactly have a lot of _pawsitive_ memories about this thing," I put my hands on my hips, looking up at the statue.

"I still think it's weird, too."

"We were so little."

"You were so little. I only went out instead of up. The statues are still taller than us now, though," Marinette laughs, hand up on her hat as she looks up at us.

"Someone's left you flowers," I pick up the tiny, crude bunch of flowering weeds that had most likely been left here by a child. I offer them to her.

"How sweet," Marinette takes a little yellow flower and tucks it by the sunglasses at her ear. I return the rest of the bunch to where it had been laying.

"Let's take a selfie," I laugh at myself, holding my arm out in front of us. Marinette slides in close beside me and smiles at the phone. It's cute. Us with our secret identities.

"Can I post this or would it be too risky?"

"Don't post it as Chat," she looks over her sunglasses to roll her eyes at me.

"I'm stupid but not a total idiot. I did manage to keep it secret this long, didn't I?" I post the photo up and I tag Chat Noir in it because everyone does that here. It would be suspicious if I didn't!

"We should transform and take another," I joke, showing her the post.

"Okay," Marinette looks around, calculating a good place to transform.

"Really?" Can I marry her? Is that allowed? I don't even know if we are even still technically _dating_ right now.

"Just this once. Because you want a photo, don't you?"

"I do." I'm really upset that I haven't brought the real camera today and all I have is my phone. Maybe she will let me do this again sometime, but I feel like the only reason it's happening now is because it is the last chance.

 

So Ladybug kindly yields to all of my stupid requests and she even lets us goof off. It's so much fun and I am so happy. I can even ignore the growing sense of loss that is building in the pit of my stomach as I get Ladybug to blow me kisses for a TikTok video. There are just no words that do Ladybug justice. She is just everything good. Being free to joke around with her as heroes is everything I ever dreamed about. I understand she is just giving me what I need but she does look happy too. At the very least we are both having fun. I'm glad. Ladybug lets herself laugh at my stupid jokes and I feel so _vindicated_. Turns out she _does_  think Chat is funny. I just have bad timing! I'll take it. I knew that Marinette thought Adrien was funny, but this is rewarding in its own way. We take so many dumb photos together, but some nice ones too. A really great one together in the late afternoon light, with my arm over her shoulders, smiling down at her. Ladybug. We end up on a random roof nearby to watch the sunset. We are alone in the world except for each other. Just us and the Parisian skyline. I snap some good shots of that too, and it is the sunset that I end up posting as Chat instead of all the selfies. I bury the really great photo of us together in with the sunset collection in my post. I know it'll be everywhere tomorrow but I can't keep all of them to myself. <<Beautiful day, Paris. #sunset #happy>>

 

"Not a bad last day, huh?" I smile as I'm typing in my hashtags.

"I never just hung out in the suit," Ladybug giggles.

"It's my specialty. I spend all day as Chat all the time," I wink.

"Because you like being Chat Noir!"

"You don't like Ladybug?" I want to lean on her and hold her hand but I don't know if that's okay.

"Not like you. It was a lot of pressure and not a lot of good things happened. I wouldn't take it back, but I'm glad to just be normal. Marinette could never be as amazing as Ladybug, and it makes me feel a little down sometimes." This sounds a lot like what she told me at lunch, but I know that she's saying it for a different reason, now.

"I love you both," I mumble, scrolling through Chat's feed to avoid looking at her, "Marinette's the most amazing normal person I ever met. You've got a little more style than Ladybug does and you always were there for Adrien in ways I really needed to be cared for. I'm glad that you're Ladybug so that I don't have to feel guilty towards one of you forever. I'll probably feel guilty anyway. I do feel guilty."

"You looked so hard for Ladybug when I gave it up. It was hard to see Chat that way. I should have explained it better to you back then."

"I wouldn't have accepted anything other than you telling me your civilian name, no matter how much you talked to me," I shake my head, "I just wanted to be with you."

"I missed you too. I really did," Marinette sighs. I slide my phone into my makeshift holster. The sun sinks behind the rolls of buildings.

"We beat Hawk Moth and never pounded it," I hold out my fist. Ladybug looks at it and raises hers, pressing her knuckles against mine.

" _Bien joue, mon minou. J'taime._ "

 

I haven't been in a recording studio since I stopped getting voiceover work a few years ago. What happened with that, anyway? Wait, focus, Adrien.

"I didn't realize you needed a recording studio for the kind of stuff you do. Isn't all that digital?" I voice my confusion.

"You can't sample _everything_ , man," Nino tells me. I sit behind the drumset and mime some beats. Nino laughs.

"Drums are the last thing I need. You know that song I played for you the day Chat was in that fire?"

"Absolutely," I nod enthusiastically. Best thing I ever heard.

"Help a bro out and keyboard it in for me. I typed it out for you," Nino sets the pages up on the keyboard.

"You're lucky I love you," I grumble. I'd do anything for him and he knows it now. I plop myself down on the stool at the keyboard and mime playing the drums again. Nino gives my head a light whack.

"Since you do love me, there are two songs I need you to do."

"This isn't why I came over here," I huff. This is abuse!

"Yeah, but it's why I invited you."

"No it's not."

"I can tell you worked shit out with Mari, so just play the piano first," he gives me a thumbs up.

"Knowing how to play piano is different from being good at it."

"Yeah, but you're cheap," he exits. He's lucky that I am good at piano. I adjust the stool. Nino is mad at me, maybe. This feels like a punishment but I definitely deserve it. I almost wish I could be with him, too. Then I could have all of the love all of the time. I know it's not fair to this Nino to have taken his experiences from him and to pretend like it wasn't real.

 

I have to play both songs maybe a half dozen times, but I find that I like it. His music is wonderful and on piano it's weird and skippy and soulful. I know it's missing the layers like in the finished song, but I can feel what it is anyway. Nino's got a lot in him. I go hit at the cymbal on the drumset a lot with my hand when I am done.

"STOP," Nino complains. I give it a few more taps. Nino struts over and kisses me probably in an effort to make me stop. I should have asked Marinette if this was still okay to do. If permission has been revoked. I melt under his mouth anyway. We are both breathing heavily by the time we part.

"I'm... sorry that I don't remember," I whisper, searching his face. I don't know what I'm looking for. He rests his forehead against mine. It's been a while since I saw him in his hat, did something happen to it? Is it missing in this reality?

"It's not the sex, it was everything that we talked about," he says, "Then to learn that you were going to die for me, too. How can you love me so much and then not want anything from me?"

"I get plenty from you. Even more than I ever imagined that I would, thanks to the catwalks," I assure.

"What did Mari say today? You told her even though we said not to, didn't you?"

"She didn't like it, but I guess it's easier to accept when you don't watch the whole thing happen in front of your face."

"It was awful, dude," Nino pulls away from me, "She broke you and I fought with her, too."

"She wants me to give up being Chat," I nod, looking down at the drumset, "We spent all day talking through everything."

"You'll be Chat until it kills you," Nino chuckles.

"Yeah. She turned hers in so that we aren't tempted to do what we did for you again."

"You'll be alone," Nino mumbles.

"I thought I was alone to begin with. I'll still need Carapace to stop me if I go rogue. So you should keep it with you. That's what Ladybug and I think," Plagg passes me the jade pendant from my pocket and I offer it up to Nino.

"Chat Noir is stronger than me," Nino wraps the leather around his wrist anyway, tapping on the jade like Wayzz is just going to show up.

"You're the only person that I will listen to. You have power over me, you know? I'd surrender. And I trust you not to... take advantage of that, too."


	31. Day 155- Chat Noir

Marinette's minuscule difference in eye color was not the only disruption in reality. There are ripples of consequences from having brought Nino back. Even seemingly unrelated things I can start to trace back to it. We really made a mess, but it gives Chat Noir something very clear to focus on fixing. I know it's going to culminate in something really big happening, but I'll take care of it. I did some math and I have at least five years, maybe ten, before it all catches up to us. I will be ready. It's a purpose. I still have to handle all of my impostors, too. I've also started taking acts of violence a lot more seriously. The police like me a little more now that I have. I treat everything genuinely now when someone reaches out to Chat Noir on socials instead of ignoring it like I had been. I'm not worried about walking into traps, I'm Chat Noir. Nobody can touch me. If I can help, I'll help. And sometimes it is people just trying to meet me and get a picture and a good story and that's fine. It doesn't hurt anyone and I am glad to do it. I'm building up sort of a reputation. A lot of the skepticism and gossip and ethical debate about Chat is gone. Paris loves me maybe more than they ever did. The internet detectives continue to run analysis on Chat too, so I was very careful to infiltrate their online groups as Adrien to keep up with it. Of course this prompted a few people to look into Adrien. Marinette and I orchestrated a whole performance to prove Adrien's innocence. The tabloids also really are in love with Marinette. She's so sweet and cute and they can't get enough of her. Marinette doesn't really like the attention but she goes along with all of it for my sake. There are photos of all our silly escapades around Paris in the summer. I've taken her on every kind of date I can think of. The public loves how much in love we are. It's weird. 

 

I keep making my own pictures, too. I've started stitching photographs together like when I made the picture of Adrien with Chat Noir, only instead of people it's the aerial views and way more complicated. I bought a drone so that I can get images from even higher. Like I created a landscape using only pictures I've taken of Tour Montparnasse at different angles. The police really did not appreciate someone flying the drone all around the building like that but eventually relented once Chat Noir waved the controller at them. I learned to give them a heads-up about what I'm doing. I usually tell Eloise. She's become some kind of official Chat Noir contact person and earned her some promotions. I'm glad that all of that with her wasn't for nothing, because I still feel incredibly guilty about it. 

 

Adrien's walking-through-fire fancy watch commercial paired with Adrien's sudden philanthropic investments in Good Causes™ have basically restored all of his reputation with the police and with the public too. The assault charges were even dropped from that street fight I started. If only everyone knew how much Adrien was actually fighting people. I keep trying to figure out if I am ready to return to school for fall semester. I don't want to, I want to keep focusing on Chat Noir and all the things I am as him and the way that my life is now. But I need to get my degree for the future, don't I? Do I really need to? If I have to, could I fast-track it somehow? So I can return to _this_.

 

"You on catnip or something?" the heavy hand on my head jerks me out of my contemplation. I look up at Carapace. 

"Hey Shell Shock," I smile at him. All that's really insured by him replacing Marinette as my keeper is that we won't be able to do the whole god-power thing at will again.

"That was the evil version," Carapace wrinkles his nose behind his goggles at the name. I keep calling him that and he keeps hating it.

"It's way better than Carapace, dude. Nobody even knows what that is."

"It's another word for shell!" he laments. I laugh. "What are you doing out here? Someone's tweeting about you sitting up here. It's been like four hours. Chat Noir Watch 20XX. Hashtag. What's up?"

"Thinking about my life," I shrug. He frowns and sits down next to me.

"Are you okay? Are you thinking of hurting yourself?"

"No. Not like that," I want to cuddle closer to him but I'm not going to do that if I'm being livetweeted about. I pull out my phone and immediately find it. <<Can't a guy take a 🐱 nap?>> I subtweet. I look over at the building where the pictures had originated but there are a lot of people at the windows now. Better to just leave it be.

"You can talk to me about it." Carapace. You are the best. If anyone deserves to be brought back to life, it is you.

 

"Well... I've always kind of assumed I'd take over my Dad's company and I can't really come up with any reasons that I shouldn't. It'd probably only benefit buginette if I did. But I just... I'd be bad at it, right? Like maybe I can get away with just being the eccentric figurehead that doesn't really do anything, but then what would I _do_?"

"You'd be great at it. You've got that detail oriented stuff and you are really smart. You've been around that fashion crap your whole life, you get it. Like you really do understand it somehow... Do you want to take over, though?"

"I think that I do," I cringe, "I feel like I should do my own thing and prove myself or whatever but I can't come up with anything else. I've always just thought I'd be CEO. I'm a spoiled rich kid, right?"

"I wouldn't use the word spoiled necessarily, but yeah. Privileged, for sure."

"That makes it sound like a positive and I'm not sure it is," I chuckle, "It's just dumb luck."

"I thought black cats were bad luck."

"Turtles are longevity but I think you have some technicalities to overcome there, too."

"I thought we weren't making dead jokes."

"Yeah," I sigh. I still feel the echos of how painful it was. Like scar tissue that makes it hard to move.

 

"You seem really down for a dumb luck white rich kid that's gonna inherit your dad's multi-million dollar company," Nino pushes at my arm. I laugh. We'd touch more but we are being _watched_.

"It just bothers me that I'm not interested in anything. Like, damn, I am really worthless if I wasn't Chat. No hopes or dreams of my own."

"The stuff you want just isn't career stuff. You want a family, right? You want to take care of people, right? You've got that charity stuff. It's all just not career stuff and that's okay. It doesn't make it meaningless or anything. You have things that you want and that you are interested in. You don't have to have an existential crisis or anything."

"Okay. Then I just won't," I smile, "Thanks."

"Anytime, bro," Carapace smiles back and it's like the most beautiful smile I've seen since the last time Nino has smiled at me. I fucking love him.

"Wanna go fight crime?" I suggest.

"Nah, man. I'm tired. We can just sit here. Unless some crime happens right here, I don't care."

"Hashtag Chat Noir Watch 20XX is now Hashtag Cara-Noir Watch 20XX," I smirk.

"Crap Noir."

"Gross. Shell Noir. Chat Shock. Chatapace."

"Please, no." He begs in laughter.

 

It was weird after we brought him back. He's a Nino that doesn't understand our experience and we don't understand his, either. I cried so much, too. Some days it was hard to believe that he was really there. That he wasn't really dead. That I just wasn't tricking myself in order to keep living. I thought my grief for him would go away once he was alive, but there are still moments when it overcomes me for a second until I remember. Nino is here and we saved him. But for the first two weeks, once the relief wore off, it felt like he was still dead unless he was with me. Even now I am a little afraid that I am just living in a fantasy but that feeling has started to fade. I know that Nino is real and alive. I knew that in the first catwalk after he came back. The bruises he had left soothed out my doubts when we were apart, and maybe that's why he did it. The grief has faded, the thankfulness probably never will. I remember how much it hurt. I can still feel it if I let myself. I never want to feel that again for anyone, but I don't want to stop loving. I will have to bear it as the price to pay. And that is something to really live in fear of. I don't think seriously about harming myself anymore. I'm sure it's all Ed's doing, but I know that I don't want anyone to hurt like that for me. I don't want to hurt Marinette like that on purpose. Occasionally it takes a lot of strength to remind myself of that, but I have the three of them to lean on.

 

When Carapace and I get bored of waiting for Crime to rear its ugly head in the alley below us we call it a night. He's got some party he wants to go to and I've got some woman I want to go to. I slide into her room, as clandestine as I can be.

"Chat Noir," Marinette is the most beautiful creature to ever exist on this planet and everybody can fight me. She's knitting. A project for her mom if I remember right. I am still bad at paying attention. She sets the supplies aside in a silent consent. I don't use my superhero persona to go and see her very often, there's not really a need for it, but I'm already Chat and I'm feeling too comfortable in it today.

"Pretty Lady," I greet softly, my heart warming at her small blush.

"Don't let my boyfriend hear you say something like that," she teases me. I close the distance between us in a rush. Her body against mine and her lips parting for me. Marinette.

"Thinking about chimney stacks again today, kitten?" She asks about my social media claim to fame of the day.

"I was thinking," I whisper, rubbing my face against her hair. Sliding my gloved hands up her sides. I am taking all of her in, letting Marinette completely fill my senses.

"What were you thinking?" she prompts. I can feel how she's melted into me. I can feel the heat of her breath.

"About the future. With you," I continue to nuzzle against her, kissing her neck and her ears a little. Marinette's body comes alive from it. I feel her hands tighten against the back of my suit.

"And what were you thinking about the future?" her voice is soft and rings through my core. I buck my hips against her. How can Plagg stand to leave me transformed right now?

 

"What it will be like. How happy we will be," I continue to rut against her. Marinette lets out a tiny, shaky moan. I grunt in response, pressing my lips behind her ear.

"We are happy now," she manages. I grind harder, falling into an uncontrollable rhythm. Marinette pulls on my tail and I catch her lips in a needy, lustful desperation. She whimpers underneath it as I rub against her. My breathing becomes hot and heavy and hers is too. She pulls my hair, breaking out of our passionate kiss. I groan at the soft pain in my scalp. The pleasure hits me and I am overwhelmed. I'm so close from almost nothing. Just having Marinette here and pressed against me is more than enough. I never thought I'd get to do this as my hero self.

"Chaton," like she can hear my thoughts, "Can you come for me?"

"Lady," I whimper back at her. I can feel the shiver her body responds with. Marinette tightens her grip on my hair, keeping me just far enough away that I can't reach her with my mouth and keeping me in just enough pain that I can feel it in my groin. She keeps steady eye contact with me, her face flushed pink. I could sink completely into her off-blue eyes if she let me.

"Mari," I growl in frustration and I watch a satisfied smile flicker across her face. That undoes me. My orgasm throbs painfully against my suit and her thigh, I press down as hard as I can. My body goes completely rigid and I can't breathe. I can't think. I see stars in time with the the contracting pulses of euphoria. It's incredible.

 

"Adrien," Marinette cups my face and I kiss her deeply, my brain slowly coming back. Am I still Chat? I don't even care to check before pawing at her clothing, my face busy with kissing her. I want my lips to touch every part. I love Marinette. I love her so much. I pull her pants off and drop to the floor. She stutters something that doesn't make sense and also doesn't matter. Her hands pull at my hair. She is soaked and her skin is so warm against my face. Her quick gasp and sweet moans defrost my brain. I need it to work so I can calculate what is best for her. Which right now seems to be anything. I slide my tongue between her folds and flatten it against the soft cleft there and draw the tip up to her nub. Marinette moans beautifully. Her parents are downstairs, I'm pretty sure. But it would be a crime to stop her from making this sound. I repeat the action again, faster. And again.

 

Marinette tastes tangy and sweet and I've never known anything else to be as amazing. She is so wet and I'm not sure how much is her or how much is my saliva anymore but it doesn't matter. I want to slide my fingers into her and force her over the edge, but I see the blur of black on me and I stop myself. I push the pad of my thumb tight against her clit, delighting in the way that her body rolls back against my finger.

"No claws, minou," she warns, her voice weak. And it makes me weak too. 

"Yes, m'lady," I breathe against her inner thigh. Her hips press into my face and I press my mouth again her hungrily, suckling. Marinette's moans and whimpers start to sound a lot like 'Chat' and it ignites a flame in my stomach that warms through my chest and fills my head with smoke. I slide the tip of my tongue in to her entrance and her body writhes slightly in an effort to drive me deeper. Marinette's fingers curl in my hair and rub against my costume ears. I wiggle my tongue inside of her, I know I am not very deep but she whimpers my hero name anyway. I suck on the nub of her clit, pulling it back against my teeth and enclosing my lips around her peak. Marinette practically bucks against me. She holds me in place as she pushes her pussy against my face. I release her and skim my tongue back down towards her entrance, applying pressure against the hard ridge there. She grinds at my mouth now that I've found something solid, pulling on my head with an urgent need. I don't know what I can do except to run my tongue into her, but it is enough and Marinette's thighs clench around my neck and I am pulled so close into her that I can't breathe. Her body relaxes, chest still rising and falling urgently.

"Chat Noir," her pleased hum. I want to Backscratch and repeat the whole thing.

"Ladybug."

 

Marinette runs her fingers gently through my hair and I hold her gaze in the dark. We are lying together on her bed, I am afraid to release the transformation and face Plagg now that I've completely disrespected him. I haven't said this to Marinette yet but I feel like she knows it. I also know how deeply she misses Tikki and Tikki's company. I can't imagine what it would be like without Plagg's companionship. But I definitely don't want to see him right now and she probably doesn't either- to be reminded of Tikki.

"Let's move in together," I whisper before thinking more about it. Her eyes widen a little and I delight in it.

"I don't know how my boyfriend would feel about that," she whispers back with a playful smile. I consider changing into Adrien to ask again but I still don't feel like it. I am Chat Noir today. I _am_ Chat Noir.

"He'd pay for it, probably," I settle for smirking. Marinette rubs her thumb against my mask and down my cheek to my bottom lip.

"What is the future that my Chaton wants to make for me?" she questions fondly. My chest leaps a little. I had forgotten the words we exchanged before being completely consumed by lust.

"I want to make you the most famous fashion icon Paris has ever known. I want to be with you every day. I want to create a big family where we all stay together and are never lonely. I want to get married and travel the world with you. I want... I want... I just want this. Me and you, like this. I really love you," I don't know why I feel like I want to cry. It isn't anything I haven't said to her before. I want to be happy, but even more than that I want to make Marinette happy.

"Shh, I know minou. I love you, too."

"I hope that I can make you happy," I really am crying now and she smiles at me reassuringly, cupping my face with her hands to comfort me.

"We will be the happiest, no matter what happens. We deserve it, Adrien." She definitely deserves it. Her eyes are glistening now too. I give her a gentle kiss.

"Where do you want to live?" I prompt in a shaky whisper. Marinette giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ey some Marichat there at the end for ya!
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. This was a huge passion project for me, I didn't expect it to turn into this monstrosity at the onset. I'm glad to see that so many people have read this weirdness and I really appreciate that you've stuck around until now. Especially with how weird and insane Adrien was int he early chapters. If you just came for the bondage or smut that's cool too and totally valid, I support. I hope there was enough of whatever you wanted from this. Thank you all again and please have a good life from here on out. Peace.


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